Mars40Rog Posted July 22, 2005 Posted July 22, 2005 OK....I am in a relationship with a married man. I have never been involved with a married man before. I am at my wits end and need some good solid advise. Here it goes. I allowed myself to get involved with a guy at work. We have known each other for over 6 years and he has been married for 18 years. We have been thru so much together and have been best friends for the most part over the last 6 years. He has never been happy in his marriage and has voiced this over the years to anyone who would listen. I never in a million years thought I would get involved with him and fall so hard in love with him. About a year ago, our relationship changed from friendship to the next level. It was not planned by either one of us. When it happened, we both just clicked romantically. It was as if we has always been together. I am 42 years old and never in my life have I used the word "soul-mate" until I got involved with him. I never pushed him into anything. He was always the one making me realize we were made for each other and our future was to be together. For 8 months we were stuck together like glue. It was not all about sex. (even though he was the best I ever had). He was constantly talking about our future together and he was leaving his wife. He did tell me it would be a difficult thing for him because he has been married since he was 17 years old and has never been alone. This was the only thing that concerned me. I told him I did not want him to leave his wife because of me. He had to do it for the right reasons. I knew his wife well, this was also difficult for me because she considered me her friend even though we had nothing in common. I have never felt this way in my life. He was always so attentive to my wants and needs. He constantantly told me he loved me and I had his heart. After mine and his friends found out about us they all told us "it's about time". Everyone but us knew we had that "chemistry". and even thought we had been involved for many years but weren't. Well, about 4 months ago, we were both fired from our jobs that we had been at for many many years. We knew the reasons were because the company found out about us but they never mentioned "us" as the reason for firing. You see, I was a regional manager and he was a lead tech. I was his boss. Anyway, we had discussed prior to us getting fired that if this happened, we were going to still be together. I was in the middle of having a house built and he had no place to go if he left his wife other than to another state. Our plans were to move into my house when it was built and live "happily ever after". We knew the transition would be difficult because of the dominating wife that he had. (for some reason, he actually seemed scared of his wife and she was only 5 foot tall and very petite, he is 6' 2" and a pretty tough guy. She has some hold over him.) We were fired 3 months before my house was complete. This really screwed up our plans. No problem. The wife found out about us about two months before we were fired and they agreed that a divorce would happen but she asked him to stay until their son graduated from high school. OK...no problem. Well, to make this long story short. I have not heard from him since the day we were fired. This has hurt me so much. I know he felt the same way about me as I did him. He called me constantly on the phone for 8 months straight. He woke me up in the morning and kissed me good nite every day. If we weren't talking on the phone, he was with me at work. We were as one for over 8 months. I never chased him. He was the one who always called me and found me. He always made the arrangements for us to be together. I just don't understand why or how he could do this to us. I am finally in my new house for a few weeks now and he knows this. I have still not heard from him. some friends of mine have seen and talked to him a few times and he has not mentioned my name but my friends say he looks awful and depressed. He doesn't look like the same person. He has let himself go really bad. Why can't he call me? I know he misses me and thinks about me. I can feel it in my heart and soul. We had such a love for each other that just got stronger by the day when we were together. Everyone tells me to forget him and move on. I can't. There was never any closure with us. He always told me he would never end it with us. He was in love with me. I believed him. He showed me everyday that he was in love with me. I know you will tell me to forget him and move on but something deep in my heart and guts tell me to never forget. It has now been almost 4 months since we have had any contact. He knows I will not call him. Why is he doing this to us? Was this just a simple case of me being used? It can't be. I know what that feels like. I never felt used for one day while we were together. Please help me make some kind of since out of this situation.
SilentLucidity Posted July 22, 2005 Posted July 22, 2005 I have a few ideas of why he has done this. One he has lost his job over the affair, and although it is not solely your fault it is both of your faults for lacking discretion, however he probably is upset about that. Secondly he is losing his marriage that he has had for 18 years. Think about that. There are kids involved, a marriage in which he invested 18 years of his life in, and he has lost his job. Third he has probably, as bad as I hate to say it, had a change of heart. This happens and it takes big things in a person's life to make this happen. Losing his job, his wife asking for a divorce, and you losing your job. He is more than likely feeling like total crap at having all these things happen at once. My suggestion to you would be to call him and get your closure. If you can't do that then you're stuck with never knowing why. So it's up to you to make the first move, but don't hound the guy. If he doesn't answer you then you are indeed going to have to move on. It has been four months already and normally for a relationship such as this to get out of your system when you're so involved like this takes about six months or longer. Not what you want to hear, but still it's advice. I say if he doesn't call you back then you need to start grieving and let it go. You have to know in your heart that you will find someone else. Start taking up new things to do, and you know you can't force someone to love you back. Goodluck to you.
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 22, 2005 Posted July 22, 2005 I just don't understand why or how he could do this to us. Because he had a hard choice to make, and when it came right down to it: he chose the status quo over what you had together regardless of how 'in love' he was with you. So many factors come into play in a decision like this, and he likely saw that he stood to lose more by leaving his marriage than he did by leaving you. His appearance, etc can be chalked up to a variety of things: reconciliation with his W, the hell that the BS and WS go through after an affair, and yes - he is likely missing you and what you had together. No matter how much he misses you though, he made his choice: and it was not to be with you. Your only closure will be the closure you give yourself now. If you decide to call him, you will be setting yourself up for nothing but more pain and disappointment. It might come in the form of a renewed dead-end affair where he stays married, or it might come in the form of him asking you to please let him be so that he can live out his choice. You have little choice, but to adapt to whatever terms he offers (or doesn't) - or leave and move on.
quankanne Posted July 22, 2005 Posted July 22, 2005 Why can't he call me? according to my sister, the word "can't" -- when used in contest of human capability -- is misused. The proper word is "won't," she says, and I think she's got a very good point. Unless your former lover is physically incapable of dialing your phone number, driving over to see you or writing you a letter, he is chosing to not to make that moved to contact you for whatever reasons. My guess is that y'all getting fired was his wake-up call, because until then, he could have this relationship with you without repercussion, because it was an escape fantasy. now that the circumstances have changed and cold, hard reality has set in, he most likely has rethought his responsibility to his family and decided that the escape fantasy (your relationship) just isn't what is needed right now, no matter how much the two of you care about each other. as much as you want closure, you're going to open yourself up to a huge world of hurt if you go to him demanding answers. However, that might be what you need to start the healing and moving past your relationship with him, because it sounds like it's deader than a squirrel on a busy roadway.
SoleMate Posted July 23, 2005 Posted July 23, 2005 Mars, it's the same old strory...even down to all the details..."it wasn't planned"..."we're soulmates"..."we will be together forever"..."there is no love in my marriage"... Maybe all that stuff is true, but the reality is that MM almost NEVER leave their marriages, no matter how empty, lonely, or pain-filled they may be. Why? Don't ask me, I'm female, I do not understand it. The one thing I do see clearly is that not only is this r/s "squirrel" dead on the highway, it has already been flattened paper-thin and it's nothing more than a red, greasy smear on the asphalt. Despite the obviously intense pain that the MM is going through, he STILL is not leaving. HE HAS CHOSEN TO STAY IN THAT PAINFUL MARRIAGE. I can't understand that anymore than I can understand drinking Budweiser, watching televised golf, smoking cigarettes, or whacking off to Internet porn in front of one's PC. BUT THAT IS THE WAY THAT (MANY) MEN BEHAVE. Just accept that reality, despite the fact that it makes no sense to you. Oh and BTW...if you have not yet decided on NC...it's time for it right now. Final point - and this is for ALL the boys and girls watching - NO LOVE AFFAIRS AT WORK because when they fall apart, you can lose your lover and your livelihood at once. And if you must break this rule, at least let it not be a direct boss/employee r/s. Sheesh. I'm not surprised you got fired. Everyone should know that you do NOT SCHTUPP THE HIRED HELP. Mars, your next man should have the following two characteristics: * Single * Not employed at your place of employment Good luck.
kkat Posted July 23, 2005 Posted July 23, 2005 Mars, You must be an incredibly strong woman to survive this hurt and go for four months without any contact with him. Am I understanding that correctly? Have you attempted to call or email him or anything? What was the last contact you had with him - the very last time you spoke to him? I am curious as to the details. I have/am experiencing a version of your situation, and learned firsthand that love is often not the catalyst that drives decisions for many men. The fact that he lost his job over your relationship was likely a huge factor for him; the fact that he has a child and wife to support, a life with them, etc. is another. This is, as you outlined, the only life he has known since being a teenager. Good or bad, this is his life, and he obviously intends to stay in it. That's so hard for most of us to understand, but that's what's happening. I would think carefully through your options and weigh the "worst case scenerios" of each. If you contact him, he might (A) talk with you openly and tell you he no longer loves you (B) tell you he loves you but will not leave his family for you © tell you he loves you and ask you to wait for him, for the son to graduate, for him to get another job, for him to ....(Fill in the blanks, there will be alot of waiting for nothing if this is the option) (D) not respond to your effort to contact him, avoid you, etc. Decide if contacting him is worth the emotional risk. If you play through the options, you may decide that avoiding contact with him is the healthiest route for you. I am a closure addict in everything in my life - I feel I have to resolve everything - to a fault. I know I would force a confrontation and want answers. I also know that in my situation, I never got an answer from him that took away the hurt. Good luck.
sweetserendipity Posted July 23, 2005 Posted July 23, 2005 This is what happens when you get involved with someone's husband, sorry to say it - you open yourself up wide for a world of hurt because they almost never ever leave their wives and family (read through the many posts in this forum, the common cry for help is "why won't he leave his wife?") and for most MM, the affair is a thrill and an ego boost and a nice exciting diversion from the real world (the real world being their wife, their home, their family, their responsibilities to their wife/home/family). I should hope to he!! that him losing his job was a huge wakeup call - that's serious stuff and incredibly irresponsible of him to have taken such a risk because his loss of a job directly affects his ability to support his wife and family), not to mention selfish. He knows how to reach you if he wanted to, he knows where you live, he knows your number - but he's likely been snapped back into reality about how foolish and selfish this affair was and he's not interested in going down that road again. Leave him be, out of respect to his marriage and family.
TineeTam Posted July 23, 2005 Posted July 23, 2005 Maybe he's trying to save his marriage and his wife told him to stop all contact with you. If I was the wife that would be the first demand I would make if my husband cheated by still wanted to save the marriage. I wouldn't care if my cheating spouse or the person he cheated with got any 'closure' from their affair. Sorry, but its the chance one takes when they enter into an affair. You might be hurting a lot now but I'll bet the guy's wife is going to hurt deeper and for longer because she was the one who was betrayed and had no say-so in the decision. If they decide to divorce then she'll go through a similar grieving period that you are going through, but if they stay together its going to be very painful for both of them for a long time after you have moved on.
cybink Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 I know how you're feeling because I've just gone trhough a similar situation. I've just been involved with mm and we both worked together. Things started to go haywire so I quit 2 weeks ago. I wish he would contact me, but then again I know it would be the wrong thing to stay involved with him. It bloody hurts so much. You have done SO WELL to not contact him for 4 months. Well done! I just hope I can be half as strong and brave as you are.
XDOR Posted August 5, 2005 Posted August 5, 2005 Mars, Just a suggestion. You said he looks devastated (your friends told you), right? You never mentioned if you actually called him. It is quite possible that he is thinking "well, if she was really interested in me she would call me". You are still in love, right? Why don't YOU call him? The very worst thing that can happen is NOTHING, that he really didn't want to talk to you and you continue w/o him. Worse than that is impossible. Try it, don't stay waiting all the time, be proactive... Call him.
newbby Posted August 5, 2005 Posted August 5, 2005 well, he must realise that if someone doesnt call him, it is because he is STILL MARRIED! dont call him, dont call him!!!
9Lives Posted August 8, 2005 Posted August 8, 2005 Originally posted by Mars40Rog OK....I am in a relationship with a married man. I have never been involved with a married man before. I am at my wits end and need some good solid advise. Here it goes. I allowed myself to get involved with a guy at work. We have known each other for over 6 years and he has been married for 18 years. We have been thru so much together and have been best friends for the most part over the last 6 years. He has never been happy in his marriage and has voiced this over the years to anyone who would listen. I never in a million years thought I would get involved with him and fall so hard in love with him. About a year ago, our relationship changed from friendship to the next level. It was not planned by either one of us. When it happened, we both just clicked romantically. It was as if we has always been together. I am 42 years old and never in my life have I used the word "soul-mate" until I got involved with him. I never pushed him into anything. He was always the one making me realize we were made for each other and our future was to be together. For 8 months we were stuck together like glue. It was not all about sex. (even though he was the best I ever had). He was constantly talking about our future together and he was leaving his wife. He did tell me it would be a difficult thing for him because he has been married since he was 17 years old and has never been alone. This was the only thing that concerned me. I told him I did not want him to leave his wife because of me. He had to do it for the right reasons. I knew his wife well, this was also difficult for me because she considered me her friend even though we had nothing in common. I have never felt this way in my life. He was always so attentive to my wants and needs. He constantantly told me he loved me and I had his heart. After mine and his friends found out about us they all told us "it's about time". Everyone but us knew we had that "chemistry". and even thought we had been involved for many years but weren't. Well, about 4 months ago, we were both fired from our jobs that we had been at for many many years. We knew the reasons were because the company found out about us but they never mentioned "us" as the reason for firing. You see, I was a regional manager and he was a lead tech. I was his boss. Anyway, we had discussed prior to us getting fired that if this happened, we were going to still be together. I was in the middle of having a house built and he had no place to go if he left his wife other than to another state. Our plans were to move into my house when it was built and live "happily ever after". We knew the transition would be difficult because of the dominating wife that he had. (for some reason, he actually seemed scared of his wife and she was only 5 foot tall and very petite, he is 6' 2" and a pretty tough guy. She has some hold over him.) We were fired 3 months before my house was complete. This really screwed up our plans. No problem. The wife found out about us about two months before we were fired and they agreed that a divorce would happen but she asked him to stay until their son graduated from high school. OK...no problem. Well, to make this long story short. I have not heard from him since the day we were fired. This has hurt me so much. I know he felt the same way about me as I did him. He called me constantly on the phone for 8 months straight. He woke me up in the morning and kissed me good nite every day. If we weren't talking on the phone, he was with me at work. We were as one for over 8 months. I never chased him. He was the one who always called me and found me. He always made the arrangements for us to be together. I just don't understand why or how he could do this to us. I am finally in my new house for a few weeks now and he knows this. I have still not heard from him. some friends of mine have seen and talked to him a few times and he has not mentioned my name but my friends say he looks awful and depressed. He doesn't look like the same person. He has let himself go really bad. Why can't he call me? I know he misses me and thinks about me. I can feel it in my heart and soul. We had such a love for each other that just got stronger by the day when we were together. Everyone tells me to forget him and move on. I can't. There was never any closure with us. He always told me he would never end it with us. He was in love with me. I believed him. He showed me everyday that he was in love with me. I know you will tell me to forget him and move on but something deep in my heart and guts tell me to never forget. It has now been almost 4 months since we have had any contact. He knows I will not call him. Why is he doing this to us? Was this just a simple case of me being used? It can't be. I know what that feels like. I never felt used for one day while we were together. Please help me make some kind of since out of this situation. Your story BLEW MY MIND. I cant believe what he did. I just cant see past this mess. No I dont think he was using you. I think he began to lose too much and did not want to ruin his whole life. Not that being with you was ruining his life but losing your job, your wife, your children...this is a lot going on at one time. What I don't understand is why he did not want to AT LEAST be man enough to say Goodbye! From what you have said, it seem like you were approachable to that point. All I can say is learn from this and pamper, love, be as sweet as you can to yourself for a long while. You have been thru alot and my heart aches for you. If you need someone to talk you please pm me...i am here for you.
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