enchanted771 Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 I am having a hard time dealing with the constant drama with my boyfriends kids mother. They broke up several years ago, and he tried to work things out with her 1.5 years before he met me, but it didn't work out. So ever since our relationship she refused to move on and has been hounding him. I know she has a lot of mental issues so I ignore her. She has even tried to contact me blaming me for things and I ignore her. She was denying him to see his kids, up until a month ago. He is a good dad so I try to supportive of him. His daughter birthday is coming up she wants him to come to the get together with her friends, and the ex and her aunt will also be there. I know he is going there for her, and will tell the ex to back off if she tries any crap, but being he doesn't want to go back to court to get his rightful custody schedule, right now he is going to have to make a trip to the city the mom lives in (1.5-2 hours away) to see them. I don't want to seem selfish, but I just don't want any issues with holidays. Before we met, he would spend the holiday with them even though they weren't together to make the kids happy. Now were in a relationship, and I don't really feel it’s fair for me to get blown off or left on the backburner because of his ex-refusing to move on. This is the reason I don't like being in a relationship where my bf isn't civil with the ex. How would you handle this situation?
d0nnivain Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 You have to reorganize your thinking. He has kids & they will always come first. It's disheartening that he isn't pressing to have his legal rights enforced but that can be expensive. For the kids' birthdays it may be a little confusing for them to have daddy at the party mommy is throwing just like they are one big happy family but there is absolutely nothing wrong with being civil for the kids' sake or refusing to use them as the rope or prize in a high stakes game of tug o war. If you really can't see that, perhaps the best solution for you will be to only date men who aren't parents. 5
mightycpa Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 You'd really rather go to a kid's birthday party and be the source of all the drama that ensues? You're always going to be at least one priority below those kids. You will never come first. That's why, if I were you, I'd go out on the town that weekend and see if I could meet a couple of new guys, either with no kids or gratefully divorced wives. 3
Space Ritual Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 It was issues like this that was the reason I stopped dating anyone with children. You will always take a back seat to the children, and rightfully so. The children deserve to have both parents in their lives. On that there is no argument. I learned that it was best for me to not date someone with children so I would never have to deal with this issue again. I never wanted to insert myself into such a position as you find yourself in now. This is a no win situation for you, so either accept that you will not be priority 1 in things like this or date somebody without kids. It's really just that simple. 1
smackie9 Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 It's not selfish to think that way, you have your expectations. I think it is selfish of him to have a relationship with anyone since he can't get a grip on the situation. I know you are trying to find a solution because you are in desperate times here. The only advice I have is to remove yourself from this relationship. You will never have a normal life with this guy. 2
coolheadal Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 Not much you can do in this situation where there is a kid involved. He's the dad he's going to do what he can to be there for his kid. You have to understand that. If you can't then you shouldn't be with a man who has kids from prior relationship because these are one of the setbacks where you can't go with him to his ex girlfriend place to be there for him. Ex would throw you out and your so call boyfriend might not be on your side. That would be a total shock if he didn't support you. But you see he can't give you what you want doing that time where he is needed and wanted by his child through another woman. This will keep on going for the rest of your relationship with him. You can't stop this no one can. It might not be fair to you but it's life. Either you stay and tolerate this or you kindly tell him it's over you can't deal with him leaving you on holidays to be with his kid and his ex girlfriend. You need more!
kendahke Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 Who initiated their divorce/break up? What were the circumstances? The way I'd handle it would be to either break up with him or demote him to FWB whenever you need to get your libido on--and not build anything like a romance with someone who isn't going to be putting you first on the priority list anytime soon. The dynamic between him and his ex is what it is for the sake of their children. She may not want him getting the idea that it's fine to bring her children around a girlfriend who may not last 6 months... and she's well within her rights on that front. He's accommodating that and unfortunately, that means you have to get used to being blown off for family events for the time being.
smackie9 Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 It would be different if you two were married and or have kids of your own together...then you would have every right to complain, but you are just his GF. Not much of a leg to stand on. 1
Tressugar Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 Op, read my story. It's a no win situation. I eventually bowed out respectfully. It's something I'll NEVER do AGAIN!
BlueRidgeMT Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 It was issues like this that was the reason I stopped dating anyone with children. You will always take a back seat to the children, and rightfully so. The children deserve to have both parents in their lives. On that there is no argument. I learned that it was best for me to not date someone with children so I would never have to deal with this issue again. I never wanted to insert myself into such a position as you find yourself in now. This is a no win situation for you, so either accept that you will not be priority 1 in things like this or date somebody without kids. It's really just that simple. Yup...kids and baby mama drama are a pain. No thanks.
Author enchanted771 Posted February 10, 2017 Author Posted February 10, 2017 Originally, I wanted to be with someone who has a child because they would be on the same level and he would be more understanding. However, me and my ex husband have a stable relationship. We have both moved on and neither of us uses my son as a weapon. His ex has been trying to get him back since day 1 and even before that. I respect a man who makes kids a priority, but I don't respect a man, who doesn't set boundaries.....there really is no party at the moms house. The daughter wants to go to a specific venue with her friends, and asked her dad to come. I have no issue with that, but if it's going to be an ongoing thing, her expecting her mom to always be there I'm going to calmly break things off. Unfortunately, I'm leaning more towards breaking it off because since the ex is this way I don't see how it can ever work out. It's one thing if you two aren't bitter and have moved on, but she refuses to move on and I know if his kids need him, he will jump. So if the mom happens to be around I have to be able to handle that which really I don't feel is fair or respectful to me at all.
Gaeta Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 Originally, I wanted to be with someone who has a child because they would be on the same level and he would be more understanding. However, me and my ex husband have a stable relationship. We have both moved on and neither of us uses my son as a weapon. His ex has been trying to get him back since day 1 and even before that. I respect a man who makes kids a priority, but I don't respect a man, who doesn't set boundaries.....there really is no party at the moms house. The daughter wants to go to a specific venue with her friends, and asked her dad to come. I have no issue with that, but if it's going to be an ongoing thing, her expecting her mom to always be there I'm going to calmly break things off. Unfortunately, I'm leaning more towards breaking it off because since the ex is this way I don't see how it can ever work out. It's one thing if you two aren't bitter and have moved on, but she refuses to move on and I know if his kids need him, he will jump. So if the mom happens to be around I have to be able to handle that which really I don't feel is fair or respectful to me at all. Of course it will be a recurring issue. They are parents together. They will continue attending birthday parties together, graduations, recitals, they will walk her down the aisle together and they will greet their grand children together. He cannot stop being part of his children's life just to avoid his ex. With time the ex will give up and stop pursuing him. The real question is what has your bf done so far to clearly communicate with her he does not wish to get back with her and it's over permanently? 2
Author enchanted771 Posted February 10, 2017 Author Posted February 10, 2017 Of course it will be a recurring issue. They are parents together. They will continue attending birthday parties together, graduations, recitals, they will walk her down the aisle together and they will greet their grand children together. He cannot stop being part of his children's life just to avoid his ex. With time the ex will give up and stop pursuing him. The real question is what has your bf done so far to clearly communicate with her he does not wish to get back with her and it's over permanently? He has told her he has moved on, and she needs to move on too. He has told her unless it has to do with his kids to stop calling/texting him for nonsense. She had made up lies that something wrong with kids to try to get him to call her. She has messaged me on social networking making up lies and blaming me for things. Then apologized 2 weeks later through my bf pretending to have a bf of her own, only to find out she was lying. All her trying different tactics to get a reaction from him because she refuses to be an adult
kendahke Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 He has told her he has moved on, and she needs to move on too. He has told her unless it has to do with his kids to stop calling/texting him for nonsense. She had made up lies that something wrong with kids to try to get him to call her. She has messaged me on social networking making up lies and blaming me for things. Then apologized 2 weeks later through my bf pretending to have a bf of her own, only to find out she was lying. All her trying different tactics to get a reaction from him because she refuses to be an adult I'm trying this again: Who initiated their divorce/break up? What were the circumstances?
Author enchanted771 Posted February 10, 2017 Author Posted February 10, 2017 I'm trying this again: Who initiated their divorce/break up? What were the circumstances?he initiated it. He left her because she she kept threatening to kick him out and call the cops. He tried going back once but she has a lot of emotional issues and he couldn't deal with it.
smackie9 Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 he initiated it. He left her because she she kept threatening to kick him out and call the cops. He tried going back once but she has a lot of emotional issues and he couldn't deal with it. So this is every reason not to pursue a relationship with him. This is UNRESOLVED. You can't win this one. 1
amaysngrace Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 I'd just show up anyway if it's a public place especially if it's a place your son would enjoy. Screw her.
Author enchanted771 Posted February 10, 2017 Author Posted February 10, 2017 How old are his children?They are 12 and 15
Author enchanted771 Posted February 10, 2017 Author Posted February 10, 2017 I'd just show up anyway if it's a public place especially if it's a place your son would enjoy. Screw her. Yeah I wouldn't do that, but that's just me. I'm not going to go where I am not invited so I made other plans 2
amaysngrace Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 Yeah I wouldn't do that, but that's just me. I'm not going to go where I am not invited so I made other plans Plan on more stress then.
Gaeta Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 They are 12 and 15 At that age communication should be minimal. There is no need to contact an ex daily for teens. If it's to arrange pick up and visits they can contact their dad themselves. For dentist appointments, teachers meetings, same thing kids can let their dad know. The ONLY reason she should contact him is concerning anything financial. I bet kids have their phones too? 1
kendahke Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 (edited) They are 12 and 15 Then he can put them on his own cell phone plan and leave her out of communications with them. He can also get them their own debit cards on put them on his account so that if they need money for something, they can get the cash out themselves and again, leave her out of it. I did this with my daughter's dad when she was in junior high school, not because we had a bad relationship--we didn't; we have a great co-parenting relationship, but because he lived in Missouri and she and I lived in California and it was easier for him and her. All I had to do was take her to the bank, not negotiate the logistics with him. There are way to limit interaction with a difficult ex/parent, but only if he can be arsed to do it. There comes a time when you have to face the fact that he gets something out of the drama--otherwise, he'd have squashed this a long time ago. If it was me, I'd maintain my dignity and stay away from her. That's just some unnecessary drama around a bunch of people who are not loyal to you or your safety. Edited February 10, 2017 by kendahke 1
d0nnivain Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 The kids are old enough to understand. I thought they were little. Because you have a child & managed to resolve your issues with your child's father without all this you know that his EX is the problem. Her lying & manipulating won't ever change. If he told her the right things & she's still doing this, you have to assume she will never stop. I dated a man with an EX wife who was the mother of their son. When she started contacting me & when she showed up at my house screaming, I put an immediate stop to it. I told her that the only thing I ever wanted to hear from her are Qs like "Is my son there? Can you please put him on the phone?" or "Can I drop him off / can you please pick him up?". If she was required to make small talk I expected it to be limited to the weather. If anything else, I would file harassment charges. (Her behavior qualified). I also called her divorce lawyer & told him my conditions. I knew the lawyer & he talked to her about her interactions with me. The met my conditions thereafter. I don't know how well that would work for you because her lies tend to be designed to get your EX to do things. I don't think you can count on this getting better any time soon. I do think that since the birthday is in a public place that your BF has the right to bring you if that is what he wants. Showing up & forcing the issue might be good for everyone. The little girl may also need to see what happens when she doesn't accept that daddy & mommy need to do things with her separately.
Author enchanted771 Posted February 11, 2017 Author Posted February 11, 2017 At that age communication should be minimal. There is no need to contact an ex daily for teens. If it's to arrange pick up and visits they can contact their dad themselves. For dentist appointments, teachers meetings, same thing kids can let their dad know. The ONLY reason she should contact him is concerning anything financial. I bet kids have their phones too? He does text his kids for that. The ex plays games thinking she will get a response.
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