progorum Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 I'll try and keep it short... Met someone, stars aligned, this feels great...buuuut, I have a lot of relationship issues, experience what feels like PTSD when I date, don't know why, fearful-avoident I think, crazy anxiety and now crying spells. (seeing a therapist). 2 weeks in a said I couldn't really put myself out there(i wasn't clear) and so I thought we could still be friends, didn't hold her hand, cuddle or nothing, felt very comfortable. after 3 1/2 weeks We had a little mishap and I told her hey I can't really do this right now, I have a lot of commitment issues and I need to work on myself, I've never done it and the past 2 years were hell for me, it really is me not you. We met up a couple days later and she said you can work on yourself and be with someone, and I said hey I really don't think I can date anyone right now, I just need to be alone. I could barely say those words and have never been confronted like that. She kind of frwaked out and said she was already comfortable texting me and she hasn't even decided whether she wanted this or not. That was weird to me. But I saw her perspective and thought maybe it'll be ok, but probably not. I was concerened bc she has only been single for 4 months out of 14 years when I met her. And hated being alone, like physically. But my anxiety would always get the best of me and she would tell me to try but I couldn't help putting space, and told her it's like a broken leg and I can't walk on it right now. I would feel so anxious about losing someone but so damn terrified of trying sometimes. I felt trapped, but it wasn't her fault. Fast forward 4 months and it def ended (i was trying to end it every week, and she would be very persistent, I barely texted her first and never took her out on dates or "pursued her", was to wrapped up in my own head), but she wanted to be close friends and nothing to change, bc we barely dated and she had to put in all the work abd she gets nothing out of this bc there was no romance and she doesn't even get me as a friend. I said I don't think I could do that since we dated and I need space to let some things go. She hates space from people and it's never really happened. if I try for two weeks of space i turns in 2 actual days. I do care about her a great deal but it's been 6 months of being friends and it's the same problem of me not doing enough, and I probably don't. I am terrible at texting her first and am so conflicted about feelings, she wants to try again at some point. she has texted me every day, I don't text her a lot bc she texts me first, I said it wouldn't be the same bc we broke up. She said she would be devestaed if I wasn't her friend, and it's been almost a year and i always feel like I owe her something. I have def self-sababtoged and I always think "If I didn't try and do things to create all this space it would be ok". But if a say I'll work on my stufff and maybe later it'll happen she will hang on. It's very unhealthy, I know I am unhealthy and have told her that, but she thinks I just need to work on it and not be alone. I worry bc I manipulate things to make it look good for me but then I question whether i'm manipulating or telling teh truth and just trying to make her look crazy bc it feels real to me and I'm just scared. very lost
preraph Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 Look, you have your problems and you're working on them, so good for you. But she is a first class clinger. This is why she's never single. She won't let the poor guy get away. She says "just be friends" so she can lurk around and still be with you and make sure you don't meet anyone else. What I haven't heard here is you say you really really like her and have things in common and all that. To get away from her, you need to block her from your phone and all your social media and not answer the door. Because she won't take no for an answer, and we usually see that about stalkerish guys on here, but this one's a woman, and they're just as bad but a little less dangerous usually. 2
coolheadal Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 Complicated life you lead now with her and you. Can't be friends because you dated. Yes I know that feeling, but you have issues you need to sort out first before you can ever date anyone again. See what happens when you do. Get so close then you panic with the high anxiety which can be relax if you stay calm and do some deep breath with the word relax and try to think about you can do this always. If you really want to be with this girl you going to do whatever it takes to do. If you can't coup then you need to tell her the truth which you seem to be doing. If love her then you should try to work it out if you can. Only you can do this she can't because your mindset, makes you panic. Have you ever tried to mediate find a quiet place listen to Theta, 4 to 8 Hz beats and tones with music. Depends this is brainwave entrainment can be found on youtube. Just a couple of hours per night will help you. But that's another option. If you can't coup with relationships going to be very hard to deal with them. If she's welling to stand by you in this is a very good sign indeed. 1
Author progorum Posted February 7, 2017 Author Posted February 7, 2017 Thanks for the advice. She texts me every day and I said I need to be slone and need space. It's been almost a year. I thought I mightve loved her when I first me her and might be a love addict. What terrifies me is that if I do try and get quiet and "figure it out" then It'll proabbly be that I do have strong feelings and then I'll stay and I'm so so so terrified of relationships that I get stuck, but then wonder if I'm missing out. I understand what you're saying though. I'm probably co-dependent. or I have strong feelings. ugggh it's just terrible for her and me. And I wonder if like you said about her sticking by me and I'm just pushing her away bc I don't know how to handle my feelings. Like oh it's like i'm an alcoholic that';s drinking and she's being awesome and stuff so it's good. but I can't help but be negative about relationships so it really is me, or think that. See the cycle? But I don't know if I'm trying to convince myself. I just want her to end it bc I'm so ****ed up and can't think. and she has bc I was a jerk, but she can't let go and neither can I.
Author progorum Posted February 7, 2017 Author Posted February 7, 2017 I know. I just didn't see it. I guess I thought it would be accepted and appreciated, and I did sleep with her and felt strong feelings, But it's sooooo hard for me to admit that sometimes. bc then I HAVE to try. and trying is gives me such panic, and maybe I'm just scared and pushing her away. It's aterrible cycle I go through. That's why I tell her I need to be alone. I am terrified she will be with someone else but I know that's my ego. I don't know. Everything I say that's space from her she challenges me on. I was never her bf but I would've been a ****ty bf. I told her that to try and heal some stuff and she just said "well you can change that" meaning keep trying with her, at least how I interpreted it. it's always about her though, and she says it's always about me. Thing is I had just gotten out of a 3 month dating thing with someone a couple months before and it was a killer. and so I wasn't ready to try again, but she shoe'd that away easily
kendahke Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 There comes a time when you have to take charge of your life and what you need in your life. You've said to her over and over again that you can't be involved right now and she doesn't give a flying flip about what you need. That isn't a friend. I have a friend who is going through some tough stuff, and while I miss him terribly, I won't bombard him, trying to make myself a priority when he clearly needs time to sort himself out. If in the meantime he meets someone else, then that was meant to happen, not us, no matter how much I care about him. Not only is she stalker, but she's selfish, self-absorbed and self involved. You are going to have to be the tough guy here and do what preraph said--you need to block her--like right now!!! Get out your phone and put her on block. Sign off of this site and block her on your social media. You owe yourself way before you owe her. She is going to continue to treat you like a doormat until you find your spine and stand sentry to your boundaries. She's already shown you that she's not going to respect them of her own accord. Let her go be with someone else. How she is is not what you need in your life right now. You need to get your head on straight first. Once you're in a better place, you'll attract a better sort of character. She ain't that one. She could use some therapy herself for her clinginess and inability to leave someone alone who has told her to leave him alone. 1
coolheadal Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 She sounds like a keeper to me try to work it out with her. Woman like her do not come around that often. The attacks you get will have to be worked on and I know meds will do wonders but you wouldn't be yourself you would what the meds would do to you. The choice is hard and you don't want to be on your own no one does. Try has hard as you can to over come the fear. I know it's tough healing helps you can do it with mediation those beat tones. You would have to live with those tones and beats for the rest of your life until you can cope again.
Author progorum Posted February 7, 2017 Author Posted February 7, 2017 (edited) "Not only is she stalker, but she's selfish, self-absorbed and self involved." Wow. Strong words. I guess in her mind we were always just "hanging out" but I knew she wanted more, and it made me anxious, and bc I was so comfortbale and thought "this is it",when I know that wasn't the right thinking for me obv. She says that about me thought as not giving a flying flip about her needs bc I don't text her first, I just don't care sometimes, andI never try that much so I'm like maybe I should. But the weight of teh last one was to heavy, and this is worse. I've also never had a relationship longer then 3 months so I don't know if I'm just giving up or not trying hard enough. I think I do manipulate her to try and end things somehow. I've also gone through serious crying spells through this and a few times told her and said bc I can't do this and after a few days she would press me (If I remember correctly). When I said a few weeks ago I woulkdn't date her again she was screaming at me and saying after all that I've done for you and been there and held you while you cried and did everything. And she has a point, like she really does. So it kinda freaks me out I just feel so bad bc I would do things to hurt her like changing or cancelling (week in advance though, something would come up and I would do that instead) and stuff and it would piss her off so much, obv, bc she wasn't being a priority. So I would be like maybe we just shouldn't date, and I didn't/don't have a spine. and would go back bc she was persistent. Even when I said after 6 weeks like hey I don't want something serious (I was saying it to take an out bc I KNEW I couldn't deal with things even though so many feelings were there) she said you're just taking an out. It's like I know I self sabatoge SOOOO much and if I never really tried then I'll never really know. I just laid there like a lump the whole time. She didn't do many things wrong and deep down I do have feelings. Thank you for your words Edited February 7, 2017 by progorum
ExpatInItaly Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 OP, you have to start drawing boundaries and not being afraid of saying "no." "Hanging out" is not what she really wants, and you both know it. She's hoping you will eventually warm up to her and want more, and you're hoping that being friends will keep her from asking for more. You will need to stop responding to invitations to see her. You will need to stop trying to be friends. And yes, you will very much risk that she finds someone else. But if you are unable to give her what she truly wants, then the right thing to do is let her go and part ways. I realize you've told her you don't want a relationship with her now, but the way you keep hanging out with her is sending the exact opposite message of "I need space."
Author progorum Posted February 7, 2017 Author Posted February 7, 2017 OP, you have to start drawing boundaries and not being afraid of saying "no." "Hanging out" is not what she really wants, and you both know it. She's hoping you will eventually warm up to her and want more, and you're hoping that being friends will keep her from asking for more. ." I have said to her that I don't want to text as much and hang out and I'm not going to invite her places. I have said no to things and she gets very pissy and says she does all the work and we fight and yell and its terrible. I cross her boundaries bc I don't text her enough and I say I'll try. but 4 days go by and she texts me first about something and I do respond but never really interact and then she gets pissed. If I didn't text her for a day or 2 I don't know what would happen
d0nnivain Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 If I didn't text her for a day or 2 I don't know what would happen If you want space you need to definitively cut ties with this woman. Get her out of your life so you can heal & work on your issues. Talk it over with your counselor but the reality is anything she does if you don't talk to her for 1-2 days is solely on her. She may cry & be upset but again that is on her. She hasn't been listening to you. She has the choice to find somebody else to cling to. She has the choice to get into therapy. But she's not your responsibility. You have enough going on. You have to stop letting her drag you further under when you are really not strong enough to deal right now.
coolheadal Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 "Not only is she stalker, but she's selfish, self-absorbed and self involved." Wow. Strong words. I guess in her mind we were always just "hanging out" but I knew she wanted more, and it made me anxious, and bc I was so comfortbale and thought "this is it",when I know that wasn't the right thinking for me obv. She says that about me thought as not giving a flying flip about her needs bc I don't text her first, I just don't care sometimes, andI never try that much so I'm like maybe I should. But the weight of teh last one was to heavy, and this is worse. I've also never had a relationship longer then 3 months so I don't know if I'm just giving up or not trying hard enough. I think I do manipulate her to try and end things somehow. I've also gone through serious crying spells through this and a few times told her and said bc I can't do this and after a few days she would press me (If I remember correctly). When I said a few weeks ago I woulkdn't date her again she was screaming at me and saying after all that I've done for you and been there and held you while you cried and did everything. And she has a point, like she really does. So it kinda freaks me out I just feel so bad bc I would do things to hurt her like changing or cancelling (week in advance though, something would come up and I would do that instead) and stuff and it would piss her off so much, obv, bc she wasn't being a priority. So I would be like maybe we just shouldn't date, and I didn't/don't have a spine. and would go back bc she was persistent. Even when I said after 6 weeks like hey I don't want something serious (I was saying it to take an out bc I KNEW I couldn't deal with things even though so many feelings were there) she said you're just taking an out. It's like I know I self sabatoge SOOOO much and if I never really tried then I'll never really know. I just laid there like a lump the whole time. She didn't do many things wrong and deep down I do have feelings. Thank you for your words Oh my you don't want her then! Then you need to let her go and move on.. Oh she's persistent she'll never give up on you. You don't want her around you you need to push that fact. She doesn't listen you can get the law involved if she doesn't take the hint to move on. That's drawing fire from you to her if you move in that final direction.
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