She broke up with me, wants me back but insisting on her terms/timeline

[Uglyonenicy]

So my ex split up with me after us being together for 6 months. We both had differences which we constantly argued about (which I kept telling her need to be dealt with and not just buried or argued till we both tire out). Many of those differences were me feeling she was was omitting a lot of info or just plain bad behaviour which she just stood by and maintains till today.. (when she apologizes it's just to shut me up)

 

After one of these arguments, where I said we both needed to work harder to make things work and asked her what she wanted(despite the fact she was being rude and disrespectful), she said she needed to think of it over night because she felt she was not sure I'd dump her some day and she was uncomfortable with that feeling. The next morning she sent me the most condescending of break up, dear john like messages with a few nasty jabs here and there... so I said 'Thanks and I wish you the best' to avoid a long drawn out battle. An hour later, she calls me to apologize and say she wants me back, wants us to work and she was a little upset when she made the decision to dump me. I told her if it was in the heat of the moment, I'd be more understanding but the fact she had a night to think of it and could still end it with those words, it really made me wonder if she wanted to be with me.

 

She went NC for two days and then showed up at my house where she apologizes with a 'i'm sorry' and then heads into a 20 minute talk of what she did not like about me (all issues she listed were those she chose to see different from the way i actually explained to her). I cut her short and told her i think at this stage of our lives (we are both in our Thirties -in my late thirties, her in her early thirties) we can't be that fickle with issues of break ups and make up as it signifies a lot of immaturity.

 

For the next couple of days she would call/message me randomly, no affection or anything, just like normal friends would and I'd oblige her with response. Then today she sends me a message saying she was sorry she hurt me which i said 'thanks' to.. she then calls me a few hours after and asks if I am interested or not. I said that all depends on her as the onus is on her to prove she won't dump me after a week or something weird if I went back to her. She kept insisting that I should know what I wanted right now and that she just wants to know if to go NC or even bother making an effort. Said she does not like uncertainty and demands to know. For me this signified not very high genuine interest levels and her ego at play. I told her to do whatever she wanted as it couldn't get any worse than it is considering we are already broken up.

 

My issue is, why does she think she has the right or power to be the hurt one in this? she does not see the need to make any effort to convince me, instead she demands me to say what I want her to do (I think this could be detrimental as she could do things not cause she really wants to but feels it will work on me without putting in any thought or effort).

 

Am I wrong to feel this way? Sorry for any typos.

[marky00]

I told her to do whatever she wanted as it couldn't get any worse than it is considering we are already broken up.

 

lol, so true. You handled that well.

 

 

Look your ex is a narcissist just like mine, pure and simple.

 

 

And yeah, it's all about her ego. She will act so much like she cares, even shed many tears over a breakup but you will have this odd feeling occasionally that you can't put your finger on.

 

 

The feeling usually turns out to be that you believe she cares on some level but she isn't into you as much as she acts like she is.

[Chi townD]

The one thing I got from this is that you are BOTH stubborn as mules!

 

I think you guys are fighting WAY TOO much. I mean, if you want this relationship, you're going to have to communicate better and compromise!! Find a happy median that is agreeable to both parties.

 

Personally, if you were to try and work this out, I would STRONGLY recommend that you both attend couples counseling. And if you are apposed to that, then you're really not too serious about doing everything you can to salvage this relationship!

[fromheart]

This is who she is and what she's like to be with. Its not going to change no matter what you do, if she doesn't do your head in it'll be someone elses.

 

The bad behavior and disrespect towards you, that'll only get worse. You have to really clamp down on that sort of immaturity otherwise it'll just get worse.

 

She's in her 30's now and hasn't grown up yet. Unfortunately for her, the chances of her changing for the better, settling down and starting a family are getting slimmer. I've seen this more than a few times with women getting older; they refuse to change, take responsibility for their emotional state and get too old to have kids. It'll always be someone elses fault but never there own. At best, they get a doormat of a man whom they abuse.

 

I'd stay far away from this one and consider it a bullet dodged.

[mightycpa]

If after six months she can come up with a laundry list of things she doesn't like about you, well, all I can say is that over time, that list is not going to get any shorter.

 

I pity the foo who would get re-involved in something like that.

[Uglyonenicy]

lol, so true. You handled that well.

 

 

Look your ex is a narcissist just like mine, pure and simple.

 

 

And yeah, it's all about her ego. She will act so much like she cares, even shed many tears over a breakup but you will have this odd feeling occasionally that you can't put your finger on.

 

 

The feeling usually turns out to be that you believe she cares on some level but she isn't into you as much as she acts like she is.

 

Yeah I actually truly believe this. I didn't mention she had done something like this before we started dating, whilst we were getting close and she suddenly went NC one random day. And she tried to pin it on me for not being persistent enough (She was extremely rude during this period in so many ways). I have had to question her feelings due to this also. She always had this 'Break up with me if you want, I'll get over you' she used to say any time we argued and I had to calm her down.

 

I'm just going to sit back. Thanks a lot for the viewpoint.

[Uglyonenicy]

The one thing I got from this is that you are BOTH stubborn as mules!

 

I think you guys are fighting WAY TOO much. I mean, if you want this relationship, you're going to have to communicate better and compromise!! Find a happy median that is agreeable to both parties.

 

Personally, if you were to try and work this out, I would STRONGLY recommend that you both attend couples counseling. And if you are apposed to that, then you're really not too serious about doing everything you can to salvage this relationship!

 

lol this got me laughing. I agree with us being stubborn but thing is I actually do compromise a lot with her. She hardly does and then tells me I don't. She always screams at the most minor questions (always defensive) and talks to me in the most non caring of ways at such periods which I told her was not the best for us and we needed to communicate better but she'd just get mad and then smile after it like she hadn't bruised me.

 

I have tried but she refuses to accept some things and blames it on her experiences from previous relationships which she carries over into ours. I feel she always felt she was bigger than our relationship frankly.

[Uglyonenicy]

This is who she is and what she's like to be with. Its not going to change no matter what you do, if she doesn't do your head in it'll be someone elses.

 

The bad behavior and disrespect towards you, that'll only get worse. You have to really clamp down on that sort of immaturity otherwise it'll just get worse.

 

She's in her 30's now and hasn't grown up yet. Unfortunately for her, the chances of her changing for the better, settling down and starting a family are getting slimmer. I've seen this more than a few times with women getting older; they refuse to change, take responsibility for their emotional state and get too old to have kids. It'll always be someone elses fault but never there own. At best, they get a doormat of a man whom they abuse.

 

I'd stay far away from this one and consider it a bullet dodged.

 

I couldn't agree with you more on her personality at this point.. It worries me she doesn't see it even though others have brought it to her attention but she feels she knows best. I am not going to wait to be doormat. Thanks a lot for the advice. I'm taking it.

[Uglyonenicy]

If after six months she can come up with a laundry list of things she doesn't like about you, well, all I can say is that over time, that list is not going to get any shorter.

 

I pity the foo who would get re-involved in something like that.

 

Yes you have a point.. I was shocked about the reeling out of the points at such a crucial moment but then again when you care more for someone and they know it, they tend to take the piss.

 

Thanks.

[basil67]

Please tell me that you're not considering trying again with her.

[Uglyonenicy]

Please tell me that you're not considering trying again with her.

 

No I am not. I actually find that this break up was the eye opener I needed. Do I miss her? Absolutely but my head is thinking more than my heart right now.