Would you stay with a guy who is amazing but extremely poor college student?

February 7, 2017

Hi everyone,

Here's my story:

I've been dating my SO for around 1.5 years and he's amazing. He's turning 30 this year and i'm in my mid 20s.

He was a "drifter" before he met me and now he went back to school to get his college diploma in Computer Science. He has around 1 year+ more to go before graduating. And because of this, he is very poor (couldn't really afford to bring me out to dates). He moved back to his Dad's place to save cost on rent which i think is really smart but he still needs to pay for his car etc..

I can't really complain much about him & he treats me with respect. He made alot of positive changes in the past year and we have a pretty good relationship. He's the type of boyfriend that every girl would dream to have.

The problem is that i've been paying for most of our dates/stuffs since i'm already working (i don't earn much but i still live at home) and i am starting to resent it especially when i see all my friends' BF paying for them most of the time. He does work part time at a min-wage job whenever he have free time while also studying full time with huge workload.

His financial situation wouldn't change much for at least another year or so

and i know i can't expect more from him since he have been trying so hard.

But it scares me to think that it might never improve and always stay this way.

My family is upper middle class & i have never struggled financially so it is hard for me to understand how it's like to be that poor.

He have been hinting at proposing & we have plans to move together after he graduate so i think i'm having cold feet now.

Does anyone have similar experience and could share if things improve? Thanks for the advice in advance! This forum have been a great help to me in the past and hoping that i would get some help here!

February 7, 2017

I was in the exact same position as your boyfriend in my last relationship. School and employment wasn't working out for me and I was having money problems when me and my ex were together. I did my best to support her (emotionally and logistically), but when push came to shove, it became obvious that I had to return to school for more training.

We argued about me going back for about a year. The day that I got accepted into the program I wanted to study, she left. To say that I was absolutely shattered was an understatement.

I graduated with distinction last May and I am poised to get a high paying job this year.

I have no real advice to give except to say that I did what I did to save the relationship. Obviously it didn't work.

February 7, 2017

Meh, he can pay for some dates. He has no bills living at home

February 7, 2017

Meh, he can pay for some dates. He has no bills living at home

This and he works part time so its not like he has NO money. I think he is actually taking advantage of your generosity by expecting you to pay for all the dates, personally for me that would be such a big turn off.

Even when he does graduate and get a job, he may still be a big cheapskate. I would have a frank discussion about this so your not wasting your time and money for another year.

February 7, 2017

Hi everyone,

Here's my story:
I've been dating my SO for around 1.5 years and he's amazing. He's turning 30 this year and i'm in my mid 20s.

He was a "drifter" before he met me and now he went back to school to get his college diploma in Computer Science. He has around 1 year+ more to go before graduating. And because of this, he is very poor (couldn't really afford to bring me out to dates). He moved back to his Dad's place to save cost on rent which i think is really smart but he still needs to pay for his car etc..

I can't really complain much about him & he treats me with respect. He made alot of positive changes in the past year and we have a pretty good relationship. He's the type of boyfriend that every girl would dream to have.

The problem is that i've been paying for most of our dates/stuffs since i'm already working (i don't earn much but i still live at home) and i am starting to resent it especially when i see all my friends' BF paying for them most of the time. He does work part time at a min-wage job whenever he have free time while also studying full time with huge workload.

His financial situation wouldn't change much for at least another year or so
and i know i can't expect more from him since he have been trying so hard.
But it scares me to think that it might never improve and always stay this way.
My family is upper middle class & i have never struggled financially so it is hard for me to understand how it's like to be that poor.

He have been hinting at proposing & we have plans to move together after he graduate so i think i'm having cold feet now.

Does anyone have similar experience and could share if things improve? Thanks for the advice in advance! This forum have been a great help to me in the past and hoping that i would get some help here!

I did not go to college until I was in my 30's because I was incarcerated 2 different times for the better part of 10 years.

However, when I did get out and go to school I worked 3 part time jobs for a long time and was a full time student. I did this actually through both undergraduate and Graduate school as well. I've done pretty well for myself considering a less than stellar past.

I had a couple of short term relationships during those years both lasting between 6 and 8 months, but they did fizzle out because I could not devote the time that the women I was dating really needed in order to take it to the next level. So although they both left me I really could not blame them because i let it be known getting an education was going to take priority over everything else. So although both women were initially ok with it, over time they both resented me because I couldn't put as much into the relationships as the would have liked.

The point was though that just like in your situation there was a vast difference between what initially they were accepting of and what in the end the reality of dating me was,.

I certainly understand where you are coming from. I just want to be honest with you that you would probably be doing both of yourselves a favor by walking away. Yourself so you can find someone who can devote the time you really think you need to you. And him because like myself, if he came from the wrong side of the tracks and has a shot to better himself as I did, the relationship will ALWAYS take a back seat to the education. He probably feels it's his one shot at it and that he has to devote himself to it, especially as he is older like I was when I went back to school.

Neither of you have done anything wrong, but like I say the difference between accepting the arrangement at the beginning and the reality of the arrangement are probably going to be too vast for your relationship to survive at any rate. So it is best if you cut the cord so you can find someone you are more compatible with and will be able to give you the attention you deserve. And he needs to devote his time to his studies so he can have some sort of future.

I'm sorry, I know it probably isn't what you wanted to hear, but it is probably best for both of you if you date someone else.

Good Luck.

February 7, 2017

H
My family is upper middle class & i have never struggled financially so it is hard for me to understand how it's like to be that poor.

Yeah that is probably something a lot of people who have never struggled cannot wrap their head around. People tend to pay it a lot of lipservice but that was exactly the reason I did get back into school and made it a priority.

Again, neither of you did anything wrong, but if he is trying to better himself and digging himself out of financial hardship by getting an education I think he must be allowed to do that. And it probably just isn't going to work out with you two.

February 7, 2017

I was in the exact same position as your boyfriend in my last relationship. School and employment wasn't working out for me and I was having money problems when me and my ex were together. I did my best to support her (emotionally and logistically), but when push came to shove, it became obvious that I had to return to school for more training.

We argued about me going back for about a year. The day that I got accepted into the program I wanted to study, she left. To say that I was absolutely shattered was an understatement.

I graduated with distinction last May and I am poised to get a high paying job this year.

I have no real advice to give except to say that I did what I did to save the relationship. Obviously it didn't work.

This gives me a different perspective on the situation and allows me to better understand how hard it was for him. Maybe i phrase it wrongly in my title but i don't have any intention to leave him now and i'm just starting to have resentment. I guess things would eventually get better and i should had been more understanding.

Meh, he can pay for some dates. He has no bills living at home

This and he works part time so its not like he has NO money. I think he is actually taking advantage of your generosity by expecting you to pay for all the dates, personally for me that would be such a big turn off.
Even when he does graduate and get a job, he may still be a big cheapskate. I would have a frank discussion about this so your not wasting your time and money for another year.

I understand where you girls are coming from but there might be a little misunderstanding here. He is in no way a cheapskate and he is willing to pay for dates BUT i feel bad whenever he pays for something because i know he is very tight on money.

He don't even go out with friends anymore because of time & money. He doesn't earn much in his part time job and everything goes to his car loans, insurance, bills etc... He doesn't expect me to pay but i always do (i might be too nice in this aspect...) Furthermore, he gives me access to his bank account & i know he doesn't have any money.

As for me, i don't expect guys to pay for me but i am starting to wonder if it's wrong for me to always be paying for things. I was feeling ok about it but my friends have been telling me that a guy should pay more than a girl which i don't really agree but it does affect me in a way..

I guess i'm trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel

I did not go to college until I was in my 30's because I was incarcerated 2 different times for the better part of 10 years.

However, when I did get out and go to school I worked 3 part time jobs for a long time and was a full time student. I did this actually through both undergraduate and Graduate school as well. I've done pretty well for myself considering a less than stellar past.

I had a couple of short term relationships during those years both lasting between 6 and 8 months, but they did fizzle out because I could not devote the time that the women I was dating really needed in order to take it to the next level. So although they both left me I really could not blame them because i let it be known getting an education was going to take priority over everything else. So although both women were initially ok with it, over time they both resented me because I couldn't put as much into the relationships as the would have liked.

The point was though that just like in your situation there was a vast difference between what initially they were accepting of and what in the end the reality of dating me was,.

I certainly understand where you are coming from. I just want to be honest with you that you would probably be doing both of yourselves a favor by walking away. Yourself so you can find someone who can devote the time you really think you need to you. And him because like myself, if he came from the wrong side of the tracks and has a shot to better himself as I did, the relationship will ALWAYS take a back seat to the education. He probably feels it's his one shot at it and that he has to devote himself to it, especially as he is older like I was when I went back to school.

Neither of you have done anything wrong, but like I say the difference between accepting the arrangement at the beginning and the reality of the arrangement are probably going to be too vast for your relationship to survive at any rate. So it is best if you cut the cord so you can find someone you are more compatible with and will be able to give you the attention you deserve. And he needs to devote his time to his studies so he can have some sort of future.

I'm sorry, I know it probably isn't what you wanted to hear, but it is probably best for both of you if you date someone else.

Good Luck.

Yeah that is probably something a lot of people who have never struggled cannot wrap their head around. People tend to pay it a lot of lipservice but that was exactly the reason I did get back into school and made it a priority.

Again, neither of you did anything wrong, but if he is trying to better himself and digging himself out of financial hardship by getting an education I think he must be allowed to do that. And it probably just isn't going to work out with you two.

Well i am not trying to stop him from his school and i am extremely proud of him for trying to better himself. I am an independent person & i can deal well having my alone time. Now that i think about it, i think i might be selfish to think only of myself while he's already trying so hard.

Despite being so busy, he have ALWAYS prioritize me over everything. I'm not concerned about the lack of attention because i know he is trying to fight hard for our future, i'm concerned about lack of financial stability. I think i'm used to dating guys who are more financially stable than me. I always tell him that it is never too late to start, better late than never.

I feel that i'm getting cold feet and frustrated because i am afraid to be poor if we got married in future. I've never struggled with money and i don't understand how he could live this way. And the reason he goes back to school is because he wants a better future. He's an amazing boyfriend and i think i need to start appreciating more and be more grateful for what he's doing for me.

All he's doing is trying to make me happy despite being in a financial **** hole yet i'm being ungrateful and complaining here.

Thank you everyone for giving me wonderful advices, it gives me a new perspective on the situation and i would learn to be more understanding.

February 7, 2017

Financial issues can be so tough in a relationship!

A glimmer of hope in your case though, he is trying. He's trying to get himself out of this hole he's got himself into and doesn't seem to be frivolously spending money. Money was an issue in mine and my ex's relationship. He never could afford to go out on dates with me. Every time I wanted to do something, he couldn't afford it. Granted, I didn't pay for him (although I did sometimes) because I knew I'd grow to resent it very quickly. But he had enough money to go drinking with his buddies. And gamble. And spend stupid amounts of money in other ways. Probably another reason I didn't pay for him very often. His priorities weren't right. He moan constantly about not having enough money for food and borrow and spend it on booze and cigarettes.

This is not your reality. At least I don't think it is! You never know what the future holds, you only know the present. This guy is trying to work out his finances and hopefully working towards a more financially stable future. The question is, can you hang in there until then? People go through hardships in relationships, it's a test of your long term compatibility. There's no point worrying about the future. Even if your bf was rich, he could loose it all tomorrow.

February 7, 2017

Yes...He's in school!!! Give him a chance and stay by his side while he builds his future. If he's a good man like you say he won't forget it.

February 7, 2017

sooner or later, he must pay his way

if you two have a future, he needs to know that your funding will not cover all the rent and bills

wait til he leaves college, then see if he gets work and an income

February 7, 2017

If she's already feeling resentful I think she should cut the cord and find someone more compatible. His situation isn't going to change overnight and it sounds like he's doing the best he can but with limited income it's not enough. Let him focus on his school and career and she can focus on someone she's compatible with financially and emotionally.

February 7, 2017

I am in a similar position. My boyfriend and I are the same ages, and we met during the college time. The problem is, I got my diploma five years ago and already have changed two jobs, I left my parents home and I am independent, while he is still studying, living at his parent's house and have never worked and earned any money so far.

Everything else in our relationship is almost perfect, but being 27 years old and at a stage where you have to decide about future, makes thing a lot more difficult.

My decision is to give him one more year to get together, and if thing stays the same, to move on. So, my advice is: Try to talk to him, tell him what worries you and give him some realistic period of time to fix that.

February 7, 2017

No problem for you to take up the slack in payments he doesn't have the funds. You have tolerate this all this time. Why the sudden change in attitude. You need to be very supportive in a relationship. Doesn't matter who pays for things that's so superficial! Because in the end what counts that you have help the one you love and in return by doing so you can gain the respect, trust and love in this relationship. As the saying goes "we're in for the long-haul together"

February 7, 2017

I understand where you girls are coming from but there might be a little misunderstanding here. He is in no way a cheapskate and he is willing to pay for dates BUT i feel bad whenever he pays for something because i know he is very tight on money.

So he's an "amazing" guy who is a "dream" boyfriend, but he's temporarily tight on money because he's going back to school so he can land a well-paying job. He only works part-time now, but he's willing to pay for dates even so... And all of this will be resolved within the year.

What is the problem exactly?

February 7, 2017

Sounds like you have a good man. Don't frivolously toss something good away. Do more dates that don't cost money. Your boyfriend won't always be poor.

February 7, 2017

If I were in your boyfriend shoes, I would get my $hit together before getting into a serious relationship with a woman.

February 7, 2017

Honestly, you're clearly having doubts about this relationship, financially or not otherwise you wouldn't be posting on here. I think you should discuss it with him, give him a chance to put his point across, if you don't like what you hear then you have a decision to make.

But you're in a relationship which is great, hard because of the financial side of things but he's working on himself, he's improving, if you really loved him would you be worried by this, especially if he will earn good money in the future.

Don't base potentially the rest of your life on 1 year of a slight struggle, talk to him, hear his side otherwise you're going to end something when he will just say he would have paid for a bit more.

February 7, 2017

Sounds like you have a good man. Don't frivolously toss something good away. Do more dates that don't cost money. Your boyfriend won't always be poor.

But the guy being "good" or not isn't the source of the problem -- it's his financial situation. If you end up marrying a guy who struggles to put a roof over your head and food on the table, does it really matter how "good" he is otherwise? Survival and financial stability are very, very, real pressures that can affect your life very negatively. It sounds like OP is well aware of this. Not to mention, there are plenty of men who are "good" and financially solvent.

To answer your question OP, he sounds like a great guy, but I wouldn't want to go to sleep at night worrying about bills and that sort of thing. But that's just me.

Your boyfriend won't always be poor.

You don't know that, and it's a big gamble to take.

Edited February 7, 2017 by normal person

February 8, 2017

But the guy being "good" or not isn't the source of the problem -- it's his financial situation. If you end up marrying a guy who struggles to put a roof over your head and food on the table, does it really matter how "good" he is otherwise? Survival and financial stability are very, very, real pressures that can affect your life very negatively. It sounds like OP is well aware of this. Not to mention, there are plenty of men who are "good" and financially solvent.

To answer your question OP, he sounds like a great guy, but I wouldn't want to go to sleep at night worrying about bills and that sort of thing. But that's just me.

You don't know that, and it's a big gamble to take.

Yeah my mistake, it's not good enough that the man has to be working his @$$ off with a "huge workload" and "be the boyfriend every girl dreams of" he has to be rich in the first place and pay for all the girls' expenses.

That is ludicrous. What you are proposing is equivalent to a man tossing away his perfect girlfriend for another who has a slightly bigger chest.

February 8, 2017

I've never tossed away a woman for being less financially stable than me. However, I won't financially entangle myself (marriage) with a woman like that. Thus, my advice to the OP is to keep dating him, but don't let the relationship progress to the point of financial entanglement until he is stable.

February 8, 2017

So we had a good talk about it last night. It went pretty well, i did told him that i was feeling some resentment about always paying and i felt so much better after letting it out. He told me that he does realize that and he understands why i felt so. He said he was lucky to have me because i could had left him easily and find someone better but i didn't. He was listening to me the whole time and apologized to me about his financial situation & he was insecure about that too. I told him it's not his fault and it's good that he is back in school so someday it will become better. He said he can't promise me that someday he would be rich but he will always try his best for me.

Now i start to see things more clearly, his situation may or may not improve after he graduate school but i can see that he's trying. He may not be doing well financially now but at least he treats me right. My mother always told me to marry someone who's hardworking because a rich person might not be rich forever. I honestly don't ask for much; all i need is a roof over my head, food on the table & not worry about bills. Although i'm afraid of what the future holds for me but i believe things will eventually be better.

I guess 1 year is not too long of a time to wait and here's hoping things will turn out for the better. For people telling me to find someone else, i appreciate the advice but i'm gonna skip on that for now because it's hard to find a guy who respects & treat you right. A guy can be rich but if he doesn't respect me or treats me well, it's a big turn off for me. I'm lucky to have him as my partner.

We came to an agreement that we will try to do more dates that doesn't cost much/free (movies night, cooking together etc..) I think it's pretty sweet, i'm not the type of girl who like much romance anyway. I'm just stupid to even doubt our relationship due to financial situation in the first place :/

The advice given on here is amazing and i definitely appreciate them!

February 8, 2017

Your boyfriend sounds like a man who knows how to respect a woman and treat her right, and is trying his best to improve himself for the sake of both of your futures.

If you cant support him at his worst, you don't deserve him at his best.

His situation is temporary and things will definitely improve once he graduates, however little it might be. You guys have been getting by financially all these while and still managed to be in love with each other, I think that in itself is something to be cherished.

I hope things work out and improve with more communication, compromise and understanding between the both of you so that the resentment will fade away and you guys will appreciate the efforts that you are putting in for each other and for the relationship. All the best.

February 8, 2017

He is in no way a cheapskate and he is willing to pay for dates BUT i feel bad whenever he pays for something because i know he is very tight on money.

kitkatleen,

Your 'resentment' was self-inflicted. You made a unilateral decision to 'feel bad whenever he pays for something', based on the fact that you are working and he is

short of disposable funds.

That is, you willingly and voluntarily took on the burden of responsibility of unequal financial contribution for your mutual dates, but, as far as I can tell,

WITHOUT any input from him. As far as I can tell, he didn't ask and he didn't even know. If this is the case, then, clearly, he cannot be resented for something over which

he had absolutely no say or control -- you basically decided for the both of you, yet you then ended up seeing him as the 'bad guy' to be resented.

Now; I am guilty of having had this same psychological pattern - where we make decisions and take actions and even 'make sacrifices' on other people's behalf but

without telling them what we're doing -- and then we end up feeling resentful and getting pissed off because, in our limiting perception, it ends up being 'not fair for us',

or we start to feel that they 'don't appreciate us' or they're 'taking advantage of us, or they're 'taking us for granted'.

February 8, 2017

I'm glad you guys talked it out.

I would just caution you to be very honest with yourself. Accepting a lifestyle where you have food and shelter but not much else could be very hard to take after a while. Especially if you come from a more comfortable background.

Of course you don't have to break up with him right now, but in terms of engagement or marriage you should wait until he is out in the workforce and you can make an informed decision about whether your joint finances will be satisfying to you.

You may be feeling bad about your feelings right now, but it would be a mistake to ignore them.

February 8, 2017

Yeah my mistake, it's not good enough that the man has to be working his @$$ off with a "huge workload" and "be the boyfriend every girl dreams of" he has to be rich in the first place and pay for all the girls' expenses.

You don't get it. Everyone's entitled to their own desires and has their own inclinations -- regardless of how right/wrong/socially acceptable they are in someone else's mind. It doesn't matter what the issue is -- if it's bothersome (which it seems to be by the fact that she made a whole thread about it asking for advice) to the OP, then her concerns are valid, regardless of how ridiculous they might to someone else. At the end of the day, everyone's issues and desires are relative. You can't really change what you like and what will make you feel comfortable. You might be able to get some perspective, but it's going to take a lot of time and understanding to deal with whatever's going on in your mind.

I was recently dating a girl who at first seemed like every man's dream, or at least mine at first -- she was incredibly smart, had a great job, was drop dead gorgeous, incredibly classy, nice, etc. Looking at it objectively, anyone would be stupid not to pursue things with her. But there was a problem, and it was that while I clicked with her physically, ethically, and morally, she was much too shy and reserved and amongst other things, our conversations always lacked a playful, carefree element that I was craving and I couldn't get over it or imagine life with her in 20 years. I had an itch that she just couldn't scratch. It's not that she "wasn't good enough," it's that we as humans have desires that range from rational to irrational.

That is ludicrous. What you are proposing is equivalent to a man tossing away his perfect girlfriend for another who has a slightly bigger chest.

Ludicrous is telling other people what they should be satisfied with in order to make themselves happy.

If he likes women with slightly bigger chests, the other girl wasn't "perfect," was she? It's not our place to judge what other people like or don't like even if it makes you feel like you've on some moral high ground. Building a relationship on shaky footing to be "fair" or "nice" isn't going to do you any favors in the long run. If you're bothered by something -- whatever it is -- enough that it causes your worry or dissatisfaction, you should consider alternatives, and leave other peoples' judgment out of it. If you like sketchy looking guys with tattoos and the middle management guy is just a little too boring for you, make the decision that you feel will bring you happiness, not the one that you think will bring other people happiness. Just my two cents.

Your argument is conflated. What you're really discussing is the ethics of leaving someone who's a good person for someone who's also a good person, but more desirable to you. That's a different discussion.

Edited February 8, 2017 by normal person

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Would you stay with a guy who is amazing but extremely poor college student?

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