JP_7164 Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 My girlfriend of almost two years broke it off with me about 3 weeks ago. Prior to this we had discussed getting married and moving in together and we're making plans for all of these things. We had our ups and downs just like most couples, but never anything that was detrimental to our relationship. She took a trip for a friends wedding where she danced on another man inappropriately. I have some serious insecurities which caused me to get jealous and become resentful and treat her unfairly. I believe this is what led to her breaking up with me as she said she still loves me and really wanted this to be it and for this to work, but she couldn't see herself living with me anymore after how I'd been. Since the breakup I have worked on myself to help with the insecurities and try to better myself overall. I put together a very heartfelt letter where I basically owned up to all of my wrong doings and sent it to her. She says she wants to sit down and talk with me about everything but she needs to time think about what I sent her and wants to make sure that when we talk she is fully prepared and can give me the same kind of thoughtfulness in return. I would do anything for this woman and would do everything in my power to make it work. How do I know whether she wants to get back together or whether she is just done with me. Does she wanting time to process what I wrote mean there is still a chance? Or is she just being nice and trying to be gentle in letting me down? I gave her the time she wanted to think of how to respond to what I wrote, but I'm curious if this means there may be a chance.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 My girlfriend of almost two years broke it off with me about 3 weeks ago. Prior to this we had discussed getting married and moving in together and we're making plans for all of these things. We had our ups and downs just like most couples, but never anything that was detrimental to our relationship. She took a trip for a friends wedding where she danced on another man inappropriately. I have some serious insecurities which caused me to get jealous and become resentful and treat her unfairly. I believe this is what led to her breaking up with me as she said she still loves me and really wanted this to be it and for this to work, but she couldn't see herself living with me anymore after how I'd been. Since the breakup I have worked on myself to help with the insecurities and try to better myself overall. I put together a very heartfelt letter where I basically owned up to all of my wrong doings and sent it to her. She says she wants to sit down and talk with me about everything but she needs to time think about what I sent her and wants to make sure that when we talk she is fully prepared and can give me the same kind of thoughtfulness in return. I would do anything for this woman and would do everything in my power to make it work. How do I know whether she wants to get back together or whether she is just done with me. Does she wanting time to process what I wrote mean there is still a chance? Or is she just being nice and trying to be gentle in letting me down? I gave her the time she wanted to think of how to respond to what I wrote, but I'm curious if this means there may be a chance. Can you clarify these two points? What do you mean by inappropriate dancing? If you over-reacted to a simple dance, then I can see why she'd be upset. But perhaps your disappointment in her wasn't unfounded. Was she behaving inappropriately? How did you come to find this out? Also, when you say you treated her unfairly - what do you mean, exactly? How did you react? I ask because it's possible she'd already been checking out and was looking for an exit.
Author JP_7164 Posted February 7, 2017 Author Posted February 7, 2017 (edited) Basically it was grinding and dancing on someone in a way that I view you shouldn't if you are with someone else. I knew I had a right to be upset, but I took it too far. She is the one who told me about it when she got back. She told me she understood why I was upset and she would never do it again. Over the next few weeks I never truly let it go and I would make mean jabby comments about it, and became bitter and angry very easily. I was easily agitated by small things and always reverted back to using that as my excuse. Instead of really working to get past it I let it build up inside of me and cause resentment when it wasn't something that deserved that. Every time I'd get angry and throw it at her she would try to calm me down and say she understood and ask me what I wanted her to do, but I wouldn't let it go. Edited February 7, 2017 by JP_7164
PegNosePete Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 How do I know whether she wants to get back together or whether she is just done with me. Ask her. I gave her the time she wanted to think of how to respond to what I wrote, but I'm curious if this means there may be a chance. It could go either way really. How much time have you given her? It's fair enough to let her think about things but don't let her leave you in limbo forever. If I were you I'd give it a week of NC from when she asked for time, and then ask her for her decision. If she's still unable to give one then assume it's a "no" and gracefully withdraw yourself from her life.
Chi townD Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 I agree with Pete. You need to ask her if you're going to work on the relationship or not. If she doesn't, then you need to start NC and move on. It's not fair to keep you in limbo. But, I'm going to be the devil's advocate here. I think something more happened at this wedding. I have a feeling that she's got this other guys number and they're talking. I don't know.....my spidey senses are going off. You might be getting trickle truth as well. She's telling you that she ONLY danced inappropriately with some other dude. But, she may have needed to say something because someone else may have witnessed something totally different. So, you may have a lot of things to think about. And besides, you two sound really young. You were each others firsts. First loves normally never last for the long haul. Sorry this is happening to you. Personally, I think it's time to move on.
Rouik Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 It depends on how much time she is taking, let her think it through and have some time but you cant be drug along forever. Make sure you are ready to talk it all out as well, if she does sit down with you and you guys work it out that's great. Be prepared though incase she doesn't. Best of luck, I hope everything works out for you guys.
Ronni_W Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 (edited) Over the next few weeks I never truly let it go and I would make mean jabby comments about it, and became bitter and angry very easily. I was easily agitated by small things Is this the only time, in the relationship, that you displayed a lack of control over your own emotions and/or behaviour, and inability to forgive and let something go after you received the appropriate apology/remorse? And, outside of the relationship - over big or small events or situations, over recent things or long-past things - at work, with friends and family, while driving, etc., etc. - - did she infrequently or frequently see this type of behaviour coming from you? If so, then her decision is based on the history and pattern; and this instance of it was just the proverbial 'last straw' for her. If so, there's not likely much that can be done to get her to change her view of you and her mind about you. If not -- which is what we're hoping, of course - then it's about getting some professional guidance and assistance to help you overcome the pattern and its root cause(s) -- and then, about three months into IC, considering reaching out to her to let her know your progress. Bottom line is that this is unacceptable behaviour -- for her, and, more importantly, for how to run a happy, positive, successful life -- so, to help her decide to get back together with you, you'll need to be able to give her real, concrete evidence that you not only understand the problem but are also 100% committed to permanently overcoming it. Best of luck. Edited February 8, 2017 by Ronni_W formatting
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