Thoughts?

[Emerald_Love]

My ex and I dated for about a year. We met during our freshman yr of college currently (20) Him(to be 21 next week).We were each others firsts. We knew nothing about what we were getting ourselves into yet, we both felt that we scored on our first shot at love. The first few months were amazing. I was welcomed into his household and family.. invited to church and family functions, he traveled to my hometown to meet mine.

 

Our relationship hit some trying times during our sophomore yr. The university we attended was never for me. I had difficulty adjusting and had high levels of anxiety at all times. I truly felt uncomfortable but thought of it as a passing test. I began to smoke marijuana daily ( I was became a stoner) to cope with the confusion of who I was becoming. I became more lustful and got attention from other guys on campus. My ego fed into it. Nonetheless I was still into my man. In retrospect I was so unlike me, it was like watching a movie of myself down a spiraling hole.

 

I clung to my boyfriend during this time. I wasn't really hanging with most of my friends of freshman yr it was just he and I all the time. We were inseparable, we formed a bond of lovers , best friends, family. He was a good support system however some where some how we began to fall off.

 

He became insecure about other guys who I just followed on Instagram and a silly fling I had prior to meeting him. ( nothing beyond flirting and occasional kiss) our sex life since we were both each others firsts and were figuring it all out. I couldn't reach an orgasm... he didn't like my roommate who was a friend of mine (awkward position) He was on his phone a lot and he became possessive he was offended by everything I said. I felt a bit condemned went into "wife" mode imagine cooking and minding for a sig. other everynight in COLLEGE. That's how I thought to please him. I had to tip toe on words Our relationship soon became so carnal it wasn't even funny. Sex, a tad of romance, and dysfunction. As unhealthy as this sounds we were not our true selves during this time and we're both dealing individually.

 

He suggested a break to clear the air but We couldn't stay away from one another. We deduced to make it work. I was always very vocal and suggested how we could improve the relationship. Always very open about how I felt and what I observed. Our relationship became so routined I felt like I wasn't in one any more. I expressed to him that I still loved him but wasn't head over heals for him and was confused as to how we got to this point.

 

That conversation led into Christmas break where I went home. I went back to school early to spend a week of free time with him. My future at the university was up in the air was well. The tuition was beyond what I could afford and didn't want to run my pockets thousands deep. There's so much opportunity for me in NYC and I know that he knew that and prompted me to follow. Even when I was confused and wanted to desperately make ends meet. Our week spent was beyond memorable. I wanted to show him how I truly felt and wanted the relationship. All he could do was sulk and SULK some more lol

 

I moved back home to NY in Jan of 2016. I felt an ounce of stress lifted from my shoulders. From the experience of me being a student there. I wanted to carry my relationship into my new life at home. He expressed his concern of an LDR and not being able to truly grow with one another. His visits during the summer were much different from our time at school due to my parents ...understandably we were 18,19. Money as well.It was restricting. He wanted to hold onto to our love till the time was right again. Expressing how he loved me to death, and never felt this way. As "sweet" as it may sound I took it to offense as a "sweet break up" lol I gave a bit of sass but we stayed in contact.

 

In April,by this time the contact became every other day etc. I got fed up in feeling used like an option. He said "what if I met someone else" he went on to say how amazing she was and opposite of my flaws. I was beyond hurt genuinely crushed. I cried, woke up called him and cried some more. I became the ex with a loss of dignity. I attempted suicide and ended up in the hospital. Not solely because of him..adjusting to home was hard for me. Yet I'd come to see that it was only the beginning. He visited the city in May we went to lunch at our favorite restaurant. I tried to keep it together the music the restaurant played was like a soundtrack of the times we spent together. It was ironic. I cried and in communicating with him , holding his hand was suddenly said to be inappropriate. He couldn't look me in the eye

 

 

His reasoning for the break up was because I didn't "treat him right" I was brutally honest in all avenues not to make him feel badly but to help our relationship. He was sensitive.One fault I do admit to was communicating with a guy on two occasions of our difficult times. I am very sorry for that.

 

Last time we spoke was in July. I was at an all time low. Couldn't find a job, had trouble finding a substantial program for school, didn't have a support system. I called him for support, since I felt he knew me maybe better than myself. So I thought! (Mistake) tried to avoid speaking on us at all costs. It came up. He said he never loved me,that we weren't friends,nothing will evvveerr be the same, he wasn't in a relationship but was seriously involved with the girl .I asked him if he never wanted to hear from again. He said that things didn't have to go to that extent. I've since then deleted all my social media and did some soul searching.

 

It's been 7 months NC. My bday was 2 months intoNC. Haven't heard from him. This passed summer has truly been a storm. I clung onto God and he started working in my life. I am now a new person in Christ, character very unlike the girl I was in the relationship.externally I've been better, opportunities have come my way and I've reactivated my FB for networking. However, I can't seem to get my ex off my mind ever. It's frustrating that I love him as though time hasn't passed? Will he ever come back ?

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, Emerald_Love.

It may be difficult to hear, but, I would suggest to accept that he is not coming back.

You might find some Guidance, Support or Encouragement with one or more of these articles: Relationships, Love.