sweetjess1951 Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 Why does it feel like dating is just about overthinking, over analyzing, game playing and let downs?! One of my New Years resolutions was to put myself out there more with guys and being just a little more aggressive. I felt like I was always sitting back, waiting for guys to make the move and it actually made me seem more standoff-ish and unapproachable. This past weekend, I met a guy who just moved to my city back in August. We chatted a bit at one of our friend's house this past weekend, but we all eventually went out to see a band and that wasn't exactly the best atmosphere to talk. He ended up leaving with his friend to get food and I left with mine to go to another bar. The next day I added him on Facebook. Today, I sent him a message to let him know that a group of us was going to watch a basketball game on Thursday and he was welcome to join. He responded that he was going to be out of town for work Thursday and Friday in his home town and was extending the trip into the weekend to visit his family. From there, we chatted for another 2 hours, getting to know each other. Everything from what we did for work, where we are from, what we like to do, etc. Both of us were asking questions, so it wasn't like it was only me. The conversation stopped, so I decided to officially end it. I told him to enjoy his trip and if he wanted to grab a drink or shoot basketball or something, to let me know. He respond "Absolutely, appreciate it Jess!". That's. It. Maybe I'm being over dramatic, but we just talked for 2 hours. That's a long time. I feel like the girl in "He's Just Not That Into You". I feel like the girl that's being crazy, over analyzing like what do you mean absolutely? Does that mean yes? Is that just something you're saying to be nice? What's wrong with saying "thanks, but I'm just looking for friends right now"? Or "for sure! I'll reach out when I get back into town"? Like wtf?! How am I supposed to take his response?
angel.eyes Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 You made an offer. He declined. Let him make the next move. In the meanwhile, chat up others. Would you be this twisted up if you asked a woman to the movies, baseball game, or whatever and she declined but said, absolutely another time? Time and his actions following this will tell you what he meant by that comment. There's always some ambiguity inherent in getting to know others. If you can become a little less agenda-driven and results-focused, i.e. more relaxed and in the moment, you'll begin to enjoy just getting to know a wide range of people. Some will pan out as friends, dates, future work colleagues, etc.. Some won't. Such is life. But along the journey you'll meet some fascinating people. 5
Author sweetjess1951 Posted February 7, 2017 Author Posted February 7, 2017 You made an offer. He declined. Let him make the next move. In the meanwhile, chat up others. Would you be this twisted up if you asked a woman to the movies, baseball game, or whatever and she declined but said, absolutely another time? Time and his actions following this will tell you what he meant by that comment. There's always some ambiguity inherent in getting to know others. If you can become a little less agenda-driven and results-focused, i.e. more relaxed and in the moment, you'll begin to enjoy just getting to know a wide range of people. Some will pan out as friends, dates, future work colleagues, etc.. Some won't. Such is life. But along the journey you'll meet some fascinating people. You're right. If a friend of mine declined, I wouldn't get so worked up. It's because I feel rejected when a guy declines, rather than my friends. I also feel like my girlfriends are honest, when guys tend to give excuses when they aren't interested, rather just saying it. Him declining because he's out of town doesn't bother me or make me over-analyze. It's the fact that he invested 2 hours to chat and get to know me, and then give a vague, leave me hanging answer when I asked about hanging out. But I also know guys tend to give vague answers and women always want more.
Versacehottie Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 I am just going to be the voice of reason & say: huh? Wait you want him to tell you where the relationship is headed after a 2 hour (essentially first) Facebook conversation??? I don't think I know any guys who would do that & if they did they are probably certifiable. Just go with the flow. Chill a bit. Just enjoy the beginning. Actually it will help. 3
Mystyry Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 I am trying to think it over in my head and would agree that since he invested this time in chatting, he must have some interest. There really isn't a good clear-cut way to respond to "if you ever want to do XYZ, let me know". You have not made a specific suggestion of "Would you like to get a drink with me when you are back in town?", so he might not have been sure if you meant as friends, in a group setting, etc. So, I agree with the poster above. Time and your interaction with him will tell. You are doing the right thing putting more direct effort into your dating, but part of it is also to let some vague things and comments be vague. Else you'll drive yourself crazy.
Imajerk17 Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 (edited) What do you mean "dating"? As a guy, I didn't get any impression that this guy was ever romantically interested in you (sorry). When you hung out in at your friend's house and you all went out after, you both went your separate ways. He left w his friend and didn't even bother to get your contact info or phone number. That's just not a sign of high interest, sweet jess. The two-hour fb conversation (where *you* were the one who added him it reads) was nice but I multitask when I'm on FB too. If you get this worked up every time you cross paths w someone w a y-chromosome, you're gonna get high-blood pressure pretty quick. Edited February 7, 2017 by Imajerk17 7
Versacehottie Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 What do you mean "dating"? As a guy, I didn't get any impression that this guy was ever romantically interested in you (sorry). When you hung out in at your friend's house and you all went out after, you both went your separate ways. He left w his friend and didn't even bother to get your phone number. That's just not a sign of high interest, sweet jess. The two-hour fb conversation was nice but I multitask when I'm on FB too. If you get this worked up every time you cross paths w someone w a y-chromosome, you're gonna get high-blood pressure pretty quick. agreed. OP needs to let things develop too. I mean maybe he would eventually have feelings for you, maybe he wouldn't. But you gotta play the game. Flirt with him, create a build up. Wanting an immediate answer and getting hostile after not getting one & throwing in the towel is not sexy & not the way to get a guy to pay attention to you. 3
Larryville Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 Why does it feel like dating is just about overthinking, over analyzing, game playing and let downs?! Ok I’m gonna make a “dating/ kinda sociological comment…. With OLD or dating in general I have seen this kind of scenario on this site play out conversationally a countless number of times. Now this is not targeting the OP in any way I’m just trying to wrap my head around why this happens so often. Women who overact or overthink the actions of dudes who are either clearly not into them or are confused as to why they ghost. As ImAJ says: What do you mean "dating"? As a guy, I didn't get any impression that this guy was ever romantically interested in you (sorry). How could anyone process any “interest?” And why do women overinvest mentally so soon? The next day I added him on Facebook. Why do women keep doing this? Every thread I read where women do this all “overinvest” mentally when in most cases the dudes made NO clear indication of interest. Maybe I'm being over dramatic, but we just talked for 2 hours. That's a long time. I feel like the girl in "He's Just Not That Into You" I just wonder what percentage of women practice on a constant basis the self-defeating behavior of seeing “interest” when NO actual interest exists? Clearly I’m over-thinking today!
Larryville Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 Ok right after I posted, I stumbled upon this article... Yup I get it... Women Who Have Been Hurt Too Many Times Unknowingly Do These 12 Things Women Who Have Been Hurt Too Many Times Unknowingly Do These 12 Things ? Mystical Raven All that is interesting about our love life now is our crush on men we cannot get. They are mostly celebrities or athletes who we know are out of our league. We mostly crush on them because we know that we will never be with them and that is one good way to stay away from getting our hearts broken again.
Author sweetjess1951 Posted February 7, 2017 Author Posted February 7, 2017 What do you mean "dating"? As a guy, I didn't get any impression that this guy was ever romantically interested in you (sorry). When you hung out in at your friend's house and you all went out after, you both went your separate ways. He left w his friend and didn't even bother to get your contact info or phone number. That's just not a sign of high interest, sweet jess. The two-hour fb conversation (where *you* were the one who added him it reads) was nice but I multitask when I'm on FB too. If you get this worked up every time you cross paths w someone w a y-chromosome, you're gonna get high-blood pressure pretty quick. Woah woah woah, let's back up here. It's not like I'm over here crying or anything. When I said "dating", I wasn't suggesting him and I were dating. I was talking about dating in general. And part of dating is meeting people, being interested in them, getting to know them and so on. I think most everyone on this site can relate to how dating or trying to date has turned into game-playing, ghosting, over-analyzing and drama. My apologies for not giving a very detailed description of our interaction this past weekend, but I didn't necessarily give him an opportunity to be interested, get to know me or ask for my number. I had not seen one of my best friends in months and my acceptance of going to see the band was strictly to hang out with her and catch up. I had no idea this guy would be there. We chatted at our friend's house when we all met up before going out to watch the band, but is that short time of chatting going to lead to him asking for my number? I wouldn't expect it to. At the bar, I was with my friends. It's not like we were chatting it up the whole night and he still didn't ask for my number. In response to why women add people (guys) on Facebook - I didn't know that was a problem. I usually add everyone I've met, just because I'm a social and friendly person. In this case, yes, there was a little motivation behind it, but I had actually met this guy. It's not like I saw him on a dating site, reached out with no response, and then proceeded to find him on social media to add him. I guess I don't understand why it's seen as negative. What was I supposed to do? Sit back and hope that I ran into him again? Beg our mutual friend to set us up? He is new to town and I thought inviting him out to a group setting to watch a sports game wouldn't be a big deal. That's what I mean when I say I'm trying to be a little more outgoing with guys. For all I know, he could have wanted to chat more, but maybe felt intimidated because I was with a group of friends. Maybe he wasn't interested at all. But inviting him to do something would give me that answer, a lot quicker than just keeping my fingers crossed. When he told me that he would be out town, I said no worries. He was the one who continued the conversation that continued 2 hours later. Multitasking or not, I know I don't engage for 2 hours with a guy I'm not interested in. In fact, there are quite a few conversations on my Facebook chat that I won't open because I don't want to continue the conversation.
Larryville Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 Woah woah woah, let's back up here. It's not like I'm over here crying or anything. My apologies for not giving a very detailed description of our interaction this past weekend, but I didn't necessarily give him an opportunity to be interested SJ, thanks for clarifying. It happens on this site often. Someone starts a thread, gives us a portion of the details and the masses react to what we see and read. We can only respond to what is presented. While we don’t need a novel, we need the pertinent details. As Sgt Friday use to say (and I’m dating myself here) “Just the Facts maam...”
stillafool Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 You're right. If a friend of mine declined, I wouldn't get so worked up. It's because I feel rejected when a guy declines, rather than my friends. I also feel like my girlfriends are honest, when guys tend to give excuses when they aren't interested, rather just saying it. Him declining because he's out of town doesn't bother me or make me over-analyze. It's the fact that he invested 2 hours to chat and get to know me, and then give a vague, leave me hanging answer when I asked about hanging out. But I also know guys tend to give vague answers and women always want more. He's not going to come out and tell you "I enjoyed talking to you for 2 hours but in that time I found that I'm not really interested in you." It would hurt your feelings and make him feel awful. That is why they say it in a vague way hoping you get the message. Most women feel rejected when guys decline so I guess now we know how guys feel. 2
mightycpa Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 (edited) Why does it feel like dating is just about overthinking, over analyzing, game playing and let downs?! One of my New Years resolutions was to put myself out there more with guys and being just a little more aggressive. I felt like I was always sitting back, waiting for guys to make the move and it actually made me seem more standoff-ish and unapproachable. This past weekend, I met a guy who just moved to my city back in August. We chatted a bit at one of our friend's house this past weekend, but we all eventually went out to see a band and that wasn't exactly the best atmosphere to talk. He ended up leaving with his friend to get food and I left with mine to go to another bar. The next day I added him on Facebook. Today, I sent him a message to let him know that a group of us was going to watch a basketball game on Thursday and he was welcome to join. He responded that he was going to be out of town for work Thursday and Friday in his home town and was extending the trip into the weekend to visit his family. From there, we chatted for another 2 hours, getting to know each other. Everything from what we did for work, where we are from, what we like to do, etc. Both of us were asking questions, so it wasn't like it was only me.Personally, I think this is where you went wrong. TWO hours of texting? Nothing says "I don't have a life" like two hours of texting. Try two minutes next time. Be a little mysterious. Entertain a question, maybe two, and then cut it off. Invite him to contact you if he wants to do something. Leave yourself something to talk about and discover when you're face to face. Second point - Find a way to use men to meet other men. I did this with women all the time. My buddies would evaluate women on one criterion: Date or don't date? These guys didn't date much as a result. I added a third: Make friends, and it got me more girls than I knew what to do with, because I'd meet their friends and get invited to places and meet people I'd never know otherwise. Sure, there was a little dating confusion from time to time, but we worked through it and nobody got hurt. Find opportunity where other people would find disappointment. So what if some good looking guy isn't interested? He's got friends, and all of them are looking for girls, which I'm sure you know. Collectively, that's a match made in heaven. In response to why women add people (guys) on Facebook - I didn't know that was a problem. I usually add everyone I've met, just because I'm a social and friendly person. In this case, yes, there was a little motivation behind it, but I had actually met this guy. It's not like I saw him on a dating site, reached out with no response, and then proceeded to find him on social media to add him. I guess I don't understand why it's seen as negative. What was I supposed to do? Sit back and hope that I ran into him again? Beg our mutual friend to set us up? He is new to town and I thought inviting him out to a group setting to watch a sports game wouldn't be a big deal. That's what I mean when I say I'm trying to be a little more outgoing with guys. For all I know, he could have wanted to chat more, but maybe felt intimidated because I was with a group of friends. Maybe he wasn't interested at all. But inviting him to do something would give me that answer, a lot quicker than just keeping my fingers crossed. When he told me that he would be out town, I said no worries. He was the one who continued the conversation that continued 2 hours later. Multitasking or not, I know I don't engage for 2 hours with a guy I'm not interested in. In fact, there are quite a few conversations on my Facebook chat that I won't open because I don't want to continue the conversation.Other than the two hour thing, I think that's a positive move. Create one of those custom groups of Facebook friends like "Party Invitees" and run with it, even if he doesn't work out. Don't lose touch just because you don't date. Edited February 7, 2017 by mightycpa
smackie9 Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 IMO spend your "get to know one another" on dates. texting is not having a date nor should not be counted as dating. The proof is in the pudding. If a man is really interested he will want to take you out because he wants to be with you. Now, since this doesn't feel right, I suggest to shrug it off, and put your efforts into meeting other men. Never invest in someone that is lukewarm or has you wondering. NEXT! 1
Author sweetjess1951 Posted February 7, 2017 Author Posted February 7, 2017 Personally, I think this is where you went wrong. TWO hours of texting? Nothing says "I don't have a life" like two hours of texting. Try two minutes next time. Be a little mysterious. Entertain a question, maybe two, and then cut it off. Invite him to contact you if he wants to do something. Leave yourself something to talk about and discover when you're face to face. Second point - Find a way to use men to meet other men. I did this with women all the time. My buddies would evaluate women on one criterion: Date or don't date? These guys didn't date much as a result. I added a third: Make friends, and it got me more girls than I knew what to do with, because I'd meet their friends and get invited to places and meet people I'd never know otherwise. Sure, there was a little dating confusion from time to time, but we worked through it and nobody got hurt. Find opportunity where other people would find disappointment. So what if some good looking guy isn't interested? He's got friends, and all of them are looking for girls, which I'm sure you know. Collectively, that's a match made in heaven. Other than the two hour thing, I think that's a positive move. Create one of those custom groups of Facebook friends like "Party Invitees" and run with it, even if he doesn't work out. Don't lose touch just because you don't date. It may not change your opinion, but I was out of town for work, which I told him. Trust me, I have a life. I have too much of a life. But when I'm in another city where I don't know anyone, my night consists of me being in my hotel room. I think he understands that, since he travels for work too. But I get what you're saying.
Imajerk17 Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 (edited) Woah woah woah, let's back up here. It's not like I'm over here crying or anything. When I said "dating", I wasn't suggesting him and I were dating. I was talking about dating in general. And part of dating is meeting people, being interested in them, getting to know them and so on. I think most everyone on this site can relate to how dating or trying to date has turned into game-playing, ghosting, over-analyzing and drama. My apologies for not giving a very detailed description of our interaction this past weekend, but I didn't necessarily give him an opportunity to be interested, get to know me or ask for my number. I had not seen one of my best friends in months and my acceptance of going to see the band was strictly to hang out with her and catch up. I had no idea this guy would be there. We chatted at our friend's house when we all met up before going out to watch the band, but is that short time of chatting going to lead to him asking for my number? I wouldn't expect it to. At the bar, I was with my friends. It's not like we were chatting it up the whole night and he still didn't ask for my number. In response to why women add people (guys) on Facebook - I didn't know that was a problem. I usually add everyone I've met, just because I'm a social and friendly person. In this case, yes, there was a little motivation behind it, but I had actually met this guy. It's not like I saw him on a dating site, reached out with no response, and then proceeded to find him on social media to add him. I guess I don't understand why it's seen as negative. What was I supposed to do? Sit back and hope that I ran into him again? Beg our mutual friend to set us up? He is new to town and I thought inviting him out to a group setting to watch a sports game wouldn't be a big deal. That's what I mean when I say I'm trying to be a little more outgoing with guys. For all I know, he could have wanted to chat more, but maybe felt intimidated because I was with a group of friends. Maybe he wasn't interested at all. But inviting him to do something would give me that answer, a lot quicker than just keeping my fingers crossed. When he told me that he would be out town, I said no worries. He was the one who continued the conversation that continued 2 hours later. Multitasking or not, I know I don't engage for 2 hours with a guy I'm not interested in. In fact, there are quite a few conversations on my Facebook chat that I won't open because I don't want to continue the conversation. But you're the one who is over-analysing though. This guy sure isn't doing any game-playing. My point is this: This guy didn't do ANYTHING to indicate romantic interest (and now you're saying you didn't really either) and now here you are, bemoaning the fact* that he didn't respond to your invitation to "let's hang out sometime!" w anything more definite? It sounds to me that you are under the impression that your long chat on Facebook meant more than it really does. Given the interactions between the two of you so far though, his response to you back was just to be expected. It's perfectly in line w someone who is trying to be friendly back but isn't romantically interested--and probably has no reason to believe that you are romantically interested either, since you invited him to a group setting. Otherwise I have no idea what you are trying to get at in this thread. *Bemoaning the fact at least enough for you to write a thread about this incident, and title it "I hate dating".... Edited February 7, 2017 by Imajerk17 1
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