BeStronger Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 We were in NC for 10 days after I told him how i felt about suddenly going from talking so often to LC. He broke NC, and we texted intermittently almost the whole of the day. Even though it was cordial, we texted quite a lot. He asked me quite a bit of questions about myself, which he usually doesn't. (i don't have the intention to get back together with him anymore, but honestly want to stay friends as we work together and bump into each other often) Today, I found out he deleted me off his instagram. He's a very private person, and doesn't have many friends as followers. During the 10 days, i checked instagram because i was almost sure he would have removed me. But he didn't. But after his whole day of texting, he deleted me as a follower, but still following me. Why does he do this? Is he playing mind games with me? I want to text him to ask him why, but I won't. I'm very affected by this.
basil67 Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 Perhaps his actions are about what he needs to do for himself. I wouldn't assume he's playing mind games.
Author BeStronger Posted February 7, 2017 Author Posted February 7, 2017 Mind games are something anyone and everyone does. For different reasons. I will give you an example. 1. They don't know they are playing mind games, they are flip flopping around feelings. 2. They don't know how to genuinely show you their feelings. Their feelings good not be good. 3. They are immature and making fun of you with their friends, this actually reflects bad on them so don't worry. 4. They want to flatter themselves. 5. They want to trick you into something. The thing about him is that he's been a really good manipulator over the past few months. So, I know for a fact he's good at mind games.
Author BeStronger Posted February 7, 2017 Author Posted February 7, 2017 Perhaps his actions are about what he needs to do for himself. I wouldn't assume he's playing mind games. But if he deletes me from his followers, what could it be for himself? I mean i get it if he stops following me - so he can't see my life. But now that I can't see him and his life, what does it mean? Does he want me to wonder? Or what?
jamili Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 (edited) Ive come to the conclusion that the "mind games" arent usually done consciously. They arent even aware. Its not like this devise some Machiavellian scheme to #$%* with the dumpee. Its just them impulsively acting selfishly on their own needs and conflicted feelings, without regards for how that might effect you. The validating seeking aspect is a subconsious insecurity - the ego's need to be soothed - not always intentional. Also there is the biological mate selection thing going on, also subconsciously, where you are being subtely tested for strength and value after a breakup, by a conflicted subconsious that is sniffing out your worth as a mate, or backup plan. There is also the selfish guilt, basically the ego again needing to be liked. There are probably those who have ill intentions of stringing someone along for their conscious pleasure and humor, but that's probably the least likely scenario. Basically if you are detecting "mind games" it usually just means you are dealing with an immature, insecure dumper with little self awareness. Edited February 7, 2017 by jamili
basil67 Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 But if he deletes me from his followers, what could it be for himself? I mean i get it if he stops following me - so he can't see my life. But now that I can't see him and his life, what does it mean? Does he want me to wonder? Or what? Perhaps it just seemed like a good idea at the time. Not all actions have meaning.
Author BeStronger Posted February 7, 2017 Author Posted February 7, 2017 Ive come to the conclusion that the "mind games" arent usually done consciously. They arent even aware. Its not like this devise some Machiavellian scheme to #$%* with the dumpee. Its just them impulsively acting selfishly on their own needs and conflicted feelings, without regards for how that might effect you. The validating seeking aspect is a subconsious insecurity - the ego's need to be soothed - not always intentional. Also there is the biological mate selection thing going on, also subconsciously, where you are being subtely tested for strength and value after a breakup, by a conflicted subconsious that is sniffing out your worth as a mate, or backup plan. There is also the selfish guilt, basically the ego again needing to be liked. There are probably those who have ill intentions of stringing someone along for their conscious pleasure and humor, but that's probably the least likely scenario. Basically if you are detecting "mind games" it usually just means you are dealing with an immature, insecure dumper with little self awareness. Thanks, for helping me see a little clearer. Maybe it was because he contacted me first, and his ego is bruised. So now, he deleted me just to feel good about something. I don't know. I initially felt super good that he broke NC. Now I'm like whats happening and why did you delete me. I need to take control of my own life. Shouldn't be letting someone affect me this way...
Author BeStronger Posted February 7, 2017 Author Posted February 7, 2017 Perhaps it just seemed like a good idea at the time. Not all actions have meaning. Thank you for your words. I just guess its because he only allows the close friends to be on his instagram to know his personal life, and suddenly i'm out of that circle (even more so, after he broke NC, and wanted to "catch up") So confused.
jamili Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 (edited) Thanks, for helping me see a little clearer. Maybe it was because he contacted me first, and his ego is bruised. So now, he deleted me just to feel good about something. I don't know. I initially felt super good that he broke NC. Now I'm like whats happening and why did you delete me. I need to take control of my own life. Shouldn't be letting someone affect me this way... Them breaking NC usually doesn't mean much. My dumper broke NC a bunch of times too. I think it's pretty common. The thing I've learned is that you just can't read into them. Analyzing any of it is worthless. Out of your control either way. Let them figure out their s*** on their own. Edited February 7, 2017 by jamili 1
Author BeStronger Posted February 7, 2017 Author Posted February 7, 2017 It's so sad isn't it? Them breaking contact doesn't mean much, but us receiving contact feels so good. Like a drug. How is it that someone that once spoke of love and sweet words could turn out to be this way... You're right. I shouldn't read in too much of it. I just wished he didn't break NC and then end up removing me from his "personal life". Actions are so contradictory.
marky00 Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 It's so sad isn't it? Them breaking contact doesn't mean much, but us receiving contact feels so good. Like a drug. . After 6 months hard NC, them contacting you won't feel good. Trust me.
Author BeStronger Posted February 7, 2017 Author Posted February 7, 2017 Marky, I'm not sure we could go hard NC as we kinda work together. Different departments and different floors thankfully. But there'll be events we are bound to meet... You sound like you're in a very good place! can't wait to be like you eventually where seeing his name on my phone, or realIzing we aren't on each other's social media accounts won't mean anything anymore to me.
PegNosePete Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 Look, BeStronger. You need to, as your name says, be stronger. NC is not something you have to do mutually. You say he broke NC and you started texting intermittently and then all this weird mind games and twisting your brain into knots trying to figure out the meaning behind his actions started. Don't you see that you are also to blame for your own predicament? If you hadn't started texting intermittently then you wouldn't be giving a rat's behind about why he did X or Y or Z. If you maintained NC then you would not be "very affected by this". The solution is simple. You just have to accept that: He is doing what he is doing for his own reasonsYou will most likely never know his true reasonsIt doesn't matter one iota what his reasons areWhatever he does or says now makes absolutely zero difference to your own life. When you understand that, you can simply let go and ignore whatever he does. And STOP REPLYING to him unless it is directly to do with work. Stop all personal interactions. 2
marky00 Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 Marky, I'm not sure we could go hard NC as we kinda work together. Different departments and different floors thankfully. But there'll be events we are bound to meet... You sound like you're in a very good place! can't wait to be like you eventually where seeing his name on my phone, or realIzing we aren't on each other's social media accounts won't mean anything anymore to me. I'm not in that a great place. Just saying that the breadcrumbs after enough NC tend to be awkward rather than anything that makes you feel good. They come when they don't help you (if that makes sense).
Bromeo Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 BeStronger, The thing is, read my thread, or Jamilis, or Markys' for examples of what crumbs do to people. In my case, mine played games for 3-4 months, I finally went NC, she started her games up again about a month later, and after two weeks I cut her off. And my mate still swears I'll get a crying phone call from her. We have a $125 bottle of wine bet going. lol I agree that ex's don't do it on purpose to screw with people (other than mine, may the fires of Gehenna consume her), and that they are conflicted with their emotions, or they are lonely, or they just suck. Basically, as your self worth improves, you'll be less concerned with the motives of your ex. You would never be this analytical from someone else. And as the emotions slowly drain out, you won't give them a second thought. Take the advice of the good people here. I didn't listen, and experienced more pain as a result. Simply put, if they are making a more substantial effort to make contact and work towards reconciling, than they are only causing more confusion and pain. You defeat this by communicating clearly, making a decision, and sticking to it. My .02c Dave
Author BeStronger Posted February 7, 2017 Author Posted February 7, 2017 Look, BeStronger. You need to, as your name says, be stronger. NC is not something you have to do mutually. You say he broke NC and you started texting intermittently and then all this weird mind games and twisting your brain into knots trying to figure out the meaning behind his actions started. Don't you see that you are also to blame for your own predicament? If you hadn't started texting intermittently then you wouldn't be giving a rat's behind about why he did X or Y or Z. If you maintained NC then you would not be "very affected by this". The solution is simple. You just have to accept that: He is doing what he is doing for his own reasonsYou will most likely never know his true reasonsIt doesn't matter one iota what his reasons areWhatever he does or says now makes absolutely zero difference to your own life. When you understand that, you can simply let go and ignore whatever he does. And STOP REPLYING to him unless it is directly to do with work. Stop all personal interactions. Thank you. I needed to hear this today. I always told myself i would not reply, but yet I'm honestly not able to do it because I think that's just not me. It would seem like I was rude and immature. So i try, I try to reply cordially. I know I need to bother less about what he thinks of me, but we work together - and I don't know if thats an excuse I have, or I just don't want things to be awkward if we see each other. But you're right - "Whatever he does or says now makes absolutely zero difference to your own life." ZERO.
Author BeStronger Posted February 7, 2017 Author Posted February 7, 2017 BeStronger, The thing is, read my thread, or Jamilis, or Markys' for examples of what crumbs do to people. In my case, mine played games for 3-4 months, I finally went NC, she started her games up again about a month later, and after two weeks I cut her off. And my mate still swears I'll get a crying phone call from her. We have a $125 bottle of wine bet going. lol I agree that ex's don't do it on purpose to screw with people (other than mine, may the fires of Gehenna consume her), and that they are conflicted with their emotions, or they are lonely, or they just suck. Basically, as your self worth improves, you'll be less concerned with the motives of your ex. You would never be this analytical from someone else. And as the emotions slowly drain out, you won't give them a second thought. Take the advice of the good people here. I didn't listen, and experienced more pain as a result. Simply put, if they are making a more substantial effort to make contact and work towards reconciling, than they are only causing more confusion and pain. You defeat this by communicating clearly, making a decision, and sticking to it. My .02c Dave I hope you get that bottle of wine Dave. I bet it'd be really good. I like to think my ex's in the same league as yours. Doing this on purpose, but hey, who knows right? He could "genuinely" not know he's blowing hot and cold on me. He has said that we will never get back together. He's not happy with me. I never made him really happy. But then for one whole month after we broke up, he would hold my hand, kiss me, hug me, call me all the time. But who knows, i don't think he's trying to manipulate me. Maybe just being "used to it". Then just as quickly as he dumped me, he dropped me as a friend. Why is it that when I type this - I feel like I'm totally worth more. But yet, there are still moments when I miss him so bad.
Chi townD Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 Well, my opinion? He still follows you, but you can't follow him? You can look at his stuff? Then, he's posting or is going to post things that he doesn't want you to see.
Bromeo Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 I hope you get that bottle of wine Dave. I bet it'd be really good. I like to think my ex's in the same league as yours. Doing this on purpose, but hey, who knows right? He could "genuinely" not know he's blowing hot and cold on me. He has said that we will never get back together. He's not happy with me. I never made him really happy. But then for one whole month after we broke up, he would hold my hand, kiss me, hug me, call me all the time. But who knows, i don't think he's trying to manipulate me. Maybe just being "used to it". Then just as quickly as he dumped me, he dropped me as a friend. Why is it that when I type this - I feel like I'm totally worth more. But yet, there are still moments when I miss him so bad. I understand this. I miss mine too. I miss cigars on the deck, having dinner and her snoring next to me. I don't miss being blamed for every single thing, her going nuclear over the smallest infraction, and leaving me cold three times, each time dating someone within a few days while I was trying to chase her back. And most of all, I do not miss the last 3-4 months of intense pain. In your case, clear communication would clear up some of the confusion. The same concise talk that I finally shoe horned mine into after chasing for months. I was satisfied, went NC. A month later, she tried playing games again. I refused, and again clearly stated where I was, back to NC we go. The wine is irrelevant. My being confident to walk away from a situation that was hurting me is more important. You doing the same shows self worth, and you valuing yourself as a person. Dave
Author BeStronger Posted February 8, 2017 Author Posted February 8, 2017 Well, my opinion? He still follows you, but you can't follow him? You can look at his stuff? Then, he's posting or is going to post things that he doesn't want you to see. Ok fair enough. What can I say or feel about that? It's his own social media account. As ****ty as it feels, I can only just slowly become indifferent.
Author BeStronger Posted February 8, 2017 Author Posted February 8, 2017 I understand this. I miss mine too. I miss cigars on the deck, having dinner and her snoring next to me. I don't miss being blamed for every single thing, her going nuclear over the smallest infraction, and leaving me cold three times, each time dating someone within a few days while I was trying to chase her back. And most of all, I do not miss the last 3-4 months of intense pain. In your case, clear communication would clear up some of the confusion. The same concise talk that I finally shoe horned mine into after chasing for months. I was satisfied, went NC. A month later, she tried playing games again. I refused, and again clearly stated where I was, back to NC we go. The wine is irrelevant. My being confident to walk away from a situation that was hurting me is more important. You doing the same shows self worth, and you valuing yourself as a person. Dave We already had communication. He said "we were never going to get back together". All the holding, kiss, calling - didn't mean much. I shouldn't read too much into it. I will start to value myself more. I'm a strong woman. Even he told me that. On the outside, he doesn't know I hurt. I'm playing it so well. But at nights when I'm alone, thats when the pain comes sometimes.
Bromeo Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 I gotcha. In the beginning, the pain was quite intense. I had several nightmares. Separations truly are like withdraws from narcotics. One thing I've found, is that the more I post here, trying to help prop other people up who are hurting, is that it helps keep my own situation in perspective. I see my own confidence and self-worth rising, am able to maintain NC easier, and have formulated a plan if my ex contacts me again. For example, my ex wife recently went nuclear over a miscommunication. Due to my growth I am better able to keep calm, apply NC when needed, not stress about it. For me, making a plan and sticking to it eases the confusion and analyzing. And, most of all, take care of yourself. Who cares what they do and think.
Redhead14 Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 We were in NC for 10 days after I told him how i felt about suddenly going from talking so often to LC. He broke NC, and we texted intermittently almost the whole of the day. Even though it was cordial, we texted quite a lot. He asked me quite a bit of questions about myself, which he usually doesn't. (i don't have the intention to get back together with him anymore, but honestly want to stay friends as we work together and bump into each other often) Today, I found out he deleted me off his instagram. He's a very private person, and doesn't have many friends as followers. During the 10 days, i checked instagram because i was almost sure he would have removed me. But he didn't. But after his whole day of texting, he deleted me as a follower, but still following me. Why does he do this? Is he playing mind games with me? I want to text him to ask him why, but I won't. I'm very affected by this. One of the "cliches" I tend to abide by is: "not everything is about YOU". His reasons are HIS reasons and nothing he does or doesn't do should make one bit of difference to you. Keep moving and focus on just YOU for a while. I'm very affected by this. -- There are so many other more significant things in this world that warrant/deserve our emotional "attention"/energy than whether or not someone is keeping us on instagram or following us. If you don't want the world to know what you are doing, don't broadcast it to the world and if you don't want him following you, delete him as a follower. Stop trying to get in HIS head and stay in yours. You deserve all of your attention. Don't waste it on wondering and mind-Fing yourself.
Chi townD Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 Ok fair enough. What can I say or feel about that? It's his own social media account. As ****ty as it feels, I can only just slowly become indifferent. BINGO! Work on you! Forget about what he's doing or not doing. Focus on you. Start making positive changes to your life and stay No Contact!
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