Is there a kind way to end a relationship?

[Mystyry]

I have always been bad at leaving when I should. I have been in a ten-year relationship since high school until 3 years ago, and in a way am only now figuring out how to date. My pattern in the last two relationships has been staying long after the curtain, and then not doing so well on the break up conversations. I get emotional, and even though I carefully prepare what to say, I end up going off script.

 

I've been seeing a man for the past several months and I have felt all along that something was missing. We are just too different, but there was strong attraction that kept me in initially, despite these reservations, and I really wanted to give it a chance, as he was unlike anyone I have ever been with. These differences and arguments, though, have now grown into giant mountains and I have known for some time that I must end it. These differences are so big that even the attraction that I felt for him disappeared, even though I still respect and care for him deeply.

 

I am procrastinating though, as I don't know what to say. I known I will break his heart, as he is invested in it much more than I am. I know also that I must break it, as it is a much kinder option than letting his feelings grow. How do you say that you must end it to someone, who does not see these differences as dealbreaking? How do you hurt someone you care about? And is there a way to soften the blow or do I just rip the bandaid?

[joseb]

I have always been bad at leaving when I should. I have been in a ten-year relationship since high school until 3 years ago, and in a way am only now figuring out how to date. My pattern in the last two relationships has been staying long after the curtain, and then not doing so well on the break up conversations. I get emotional, and even though I carefully prepare what to say, I end up going off script.

 

I've been seeing a man for the past several months and I have felt all along that something was missing. We are just too different, but there was strong attraction that kept me in initially, despite these reservations, and I really wanted to give it a chance, as he was unlike anyone I have ever been with. These differences and arguments, though, have now grown into giant mountains and I have known for some time that I must end it. These differences are so big that even the attraction that I felt for him disappeared, even though I still respect and care for him deeply.

 

I am procrastinating though, as I don't know what to say. I known I will break his heart, as he is invested in it much more than I am. I know also that I must break it, as it is a much kinder option than letting his feelings grow. How do you say that you must end it to someone, who does not see these differences as dealbreaking? How do you hurt someone you care about? And is there a way to soften the blow or do I just rip the bandaid?

 

Just do it sooner rather than later.

 

He probably knows deep down its not working too.

 

Try to keep emotion out if it as much as possible, and don't make it about blaming him. Also don't phrase it in a way that leaves doubts or suggests that he can "change".

[SevenCity]

Any attempt to soften the blow will likely hurt him much more in the long run.

 

The kindest way is to be firm and direct. No "maybe we'll get back together", "It's not going to work right now ", "I'm not sure where I can be at this point in my life", "we should be best friends", "I still love you" etc.

 

Just say you no longer want to be in the relationship and you are ending it

 

It may sound cruel but take it from a guy who's been waiting for his ex to call for 5 months after she said "I love you. Maybe we'll get back together one day" 15 times on the day she moved out.

 

False hope is soul crushing and has prevented me from moving on. I would have much rather she had been direct. It would have been far less painful.

[basil67]

Rip off the bandaid.

 

Be honest but not too brutal.

[KBob]

Yes, be honest and end it. Nobody can fault you for not having feelings for someone, but they can fault you for not being honest. And he will eventually figure it out if you weren't honest.

 

I've been the guy in this scenario and her "letting me down easy" from a commited relationship led to us leaving on bad terms. You dont want that.

[Mystyry]

The kindest way is to be firm and direct. No "maybe we'll get back together", "It's not going to work right now ", "I'm not sure where I can be at this point in my life", "we should be best friends", "I still love you" etc.

 

Also don't phrase it in a way that leaves doubts or suggests that he can "change".

 

Thank you both, you are both right. I know it must be done, but this is the part where I have struggled in the past. I start with "I don't want to be in this relationship and I know how I feel will not change", but as more questions get asked, I say the exact platitudes that I know to avoid. I never say that we might get back together and remain clear on that, but I cover almost every other one.

 

And it's tough, because a lot of them are true. I do care for him, I do want to stay friends, it saddens me so much to think that this person will disappear from my life, and in part that's a source of my procrastination. I realize that it is selfish to prolong it for those reasons alone. I also know in my head that in a break up the person initiating it needs to be the bad guy, it's a kinder thing to do.

 

But this is also the worst time of the year to initiate a break up with Valentine's coming up. It helps to hear you tell me to rip the band aid, because otherwise I am afraid I will keep postponing and will make it so much worse when it happens...

[Mystyry]

Nobody can fault you for not having feelings for someone, but they can fault you for not being honest. And he will eventually figure it out if you weren't honest.

Thank you, this hits a nerve as it is exactly what I've been thinking in my head for the past week. While he thinks everything is going well, I know it isn't, and I wouldn't want to be in a reversed situation, so I owe it to both of us to be honest.

[joseb]

Thank you both, you are both right. I know it must be done, but this is the part where I have struggled in the past. I start with "I don't want to be in this relationship and I know how I feel will not change", but as more questions get asked, I say the exact platitudes that I know to avoid. I never say that we might get back together and remain clear on that, but I cover almost every other one.

 

And it's tough, because a lot of them are true. I do care for him, I do want to stay friends, it saddens me so much to think that this person will disappear from my life, and in part that's a source of my procrastination. I realize that it is selfish to prolong it for those reasons alone. I also know in my head that in a break up the person initiating it needs to be the bad guy, it's a kinder thing to do.

 

But this is also the worst time of the year to initiate a break up with Valentine's coming up. It helps to hear you tell me to rip the band aid, because otherwise I am afraid I will keep postponing and will make it so much worse when it happens...

 

Yeah it's human nature, but really keep a lid on any nice platitudes.

You don't have to be the "bad guy" but be a bit cold of you have to.

 

Most people that dump someone still care for them, and *think* that staying friends, etc is possible and a good idea. It almost never is. So don't suggest it. If it happens later, then great, but that's a seperate thing.

 

As for it being a bad time, well I'd much rather be dumped before valentines day than after it. So just do it.

Waiting till after might make it look like you wanted to milk him for one more gift.

[amaysngrace]

How would you want to be broken up with?

 

Do that.