MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 22, 2005 Posted July 22, 2005 A male coworker/friend was dumped last night. He and I have always been close in that we talk about everything under the sun. I never thought this girl was right for him but never said a word, just acted happy for him that he found someone. It really sounds like she has some problems. She beetched at him all day yesterday as she has done before. She didn't want to see anyone, eat anything, do anything until she "loses ten pounds". Okay, this woman is 5'9" and maybe 115 lbs! She has an eating disorder, goes days at a time. She has two young toddlers and is 28 yrs old. My friend is 43. Honestly I think he is just happy to be with "someone". He does so many nice things for her, and loves her very much. She just doesn't seem convinced unless he marries her - he said that's all she wants. He is definitely NOT ready for marriage again at this point in his life but has reassured her that the day will come. I just feel so bad for him. He has been through a couple of bad breakups in the past few yrs. I can't say what I think about the whole thing (had to suppress a smile). So I lend an ear, a shoulder, but what else can I do for him? Alot of times we are brutally honest with each other. He has said things to me that would really pee me off if anyone else said them, about my relationship issues, but I know he means well. I just dont know the right things to say this time. We have a work social function this afternoon with a dinner and I'm afraid he will ditch me half way through (it's golf, and we're partners). How can I convince him to come and have a good time. I'm probly the only person who will put up with his sourpuss attitude.
immizunderstood Posted July 22, 2005 Posted July 22, 2005 Do you like this guy for yourself? As far as what's going on in his relationship I would just tell him the truth.
quankanne Posted July 22, 2005 Posted July 22, 2005 tell him you're concerned about him post-breakup, and that you want to spend this time with him, just you two friends kicking back and golfing. That this will help give him an emotional "rest" from his problems. oh, and that you'll kick his butt if he turns you down! sometimes blunt conversation works best
SummerRae Posted July 23, 2005 Posted July 23, 2005 What I have learned being through this whole heartbreak thing is that the best thing you can do for him is empathize, understand his feelings, AND also be honest about what you really think. What helped me? (Let me put these things in terms that relate to him) For me, I needed logic that I could understand, so that even in the midst of feeling confused and heartbroken that at least I could logically KNOW in my mind that regardless of how I was feeling, things would get better........ * Being told that there are other (insert name here) out there and that he will fall in love again even though it's hard to see when you love someone and it is THAT person that you want (if he did have such strong feelings). * That at least he is able to Love again. (And if he's loved before and gotten through it, it's proof that he can love again). He's back in the saddle baby!! * That Love is a beautiful thing. And just because this one didn't work out doesn't mean another one won't. * Life and love is about growing and finding what we truly want. There can and will be something wayyyy better for him out there. That sometimes we hang on to relationships even when it is for our best, our Higher Purposes to let go and move on. * Someone leaving us just means that something better is out there for us. (I repeat this because this really helped me to believe this, even if it doesn't necessarily happen again, at least to give us hope). * That she clearly has issues that have nothing to do with him. Weight?? Seriously, that is something I've never heard before. Clearly nothing to do with him or "what he did wrong...." * We can choose where to put our energy. Is SHE really worth the expenditure of his energy? Is SHE sitting at home pining over him? Chances are that NO, she isn't, so why should he?? * There are relationships that last for a reason, a season, and a lifetime. Think about how many things must match up for it to last a lifetime! Lots. Maybe she was just a reason. I would tell him all the things you've learned about heartbreak and even if he doesn't take them all in at least he has the possibility of thinking about them when he needs to. I know this wisdom that friends gave me helped me. Sometimes we need to see light at the end of the tunnel! Then I would say, "now let's PLAY GOLF!!!!!"
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 23, 2005 Author Posted July 23, 2005 thank you. As it turns out she called him and agreed to come to the dinner. So there we sat and he turned to me once and said "it's very chilly over here". OH we had a great time golfing cuz I did tell him he'd better not be a sourpuss! I hadn't seen her in a while, and man, she sure looks anorexic. They left the dinner barely after it was finished and didn't even stay for the announcements/prizes. I should call him today to see how things went and will try to work some of your suggestions into the conversation. You see, he says he loves her but he also admits to me that he will never love anyone the way he loved his previous gf....the one he left his wife for.....the one who left her husband for him.....it was a LDR and after 3 yrs she went back to her husband and left him in the cold after spending a romantic week with him, and giving no indication she would ever go back. He was soooo very happy. And it took him a lonnnng time to move on. He believes he will never love that way again. I think he has the mentality of "love the one your with". Oh yeah, we talk alot about sex, and flirt jokingly (I don't want to have sex with him lol) and this gf won't go down on him, won't go on top, won't do 69, and they've had sex twice in the last 2 months. This is not good. He just hangs on cuz he doesn't want to feel like he failed yet again. So now, if they're "back together" how do I tell him to dump the beyotch haha...no really I wont do that, I'll have the same talk sorta.?
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