Being a terrible man to her.

[Thm123]

I'm in a long distance relationship with a wonderful woman. We see each other every 3 months more or less. I really need some motivation and good advice on how I can better myself for her as I'm ashamed of what I've become. Lately we've been having arguments, sometimes over our ignorance, her stubborn attitude, but the real bad ones are probably my own issues.

 

I sometimes can't contain myself and let lose a barrage of hurtful statements to her, and I believe this could be the doing of my insecurities. She's a very beautiful woman and sometimes I'm having troubles trusting her. Always suspicious over her, I'd come up with stupid thoughts in my head that are probably not even true. (She is Thai, I'm half Asian and it really doesn't help when my western friends tell me about Thai's being cheaters and etc)

 

She's made effort to book flights and see me even and yet, I have these issues. There's no concrete proof of her doing anything I speculated, and yet I continue. What is wrong with me? Is she too beautiful for me to handle? I feel like a terrible man to her, yet she bears with me. I really need some good advice and better myself. I really want to be the best I can for her.

 

I think she's a great woman. Women here, please also give me your perspectives.

Edited February 6, 2017 by Thm123

[ExpatInItaly]

I have an ex-boyfriend who sounds quite similar to you, OP.

 

He constantly had these thoughts in head that I would cheat - and I never did, nor even wanted to. I gave him no reason to mistrust me. I tired very hard to be open, honest and transparent. It didn't do much good, as he would always manage to find a way to cast doubt and feed his own insecurities.

 

I too would be on the receiving end of nasty comments form him, very hurtful insults. I lost attraction to him pretty quickly. Even though he was physically a very good-looking man, his dark side started to repulse me. I stopped looking forward to seeing him, stopped wanting to spend time with him. He of course sensed I was pulling back (and yes, he knew why) and this resulted in even more mistreatment. I felt very devalued and unloved with him, and I just lost any desire to be with him.

 

I finally grew tired of it and walked away for good. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made, and I went on to find a much more secure and kind man. The difference between the two relationships is night and day, and I have not for one moment missed my ex.

 

Unless you want to end up the same and create what you fear most (ie. that she will leave you) you have to get a handle on your own insecurity and anger. Unleashing nasty insults is verbally and emotionally abusive, and it's unacceptable. You need to dig very deep and figure out why you dislike yourself so much that you are afraid a woman won't see your value. if you don't, I promise you she will get tired of it and you will be single again.

 

Furthermore, I would also advise you to think of the lasting damage verbal abuse has. Sure, you run your mouth in the heat of the moment and you probably feel some release from this, but I don't think you grasp the magnitude of what those hurtful tirades do to the receiving person. I have struggled to find my own self-worth again after my abusive ex and it has been very hard at times. Don't put your girlfriend through the same - the scars you are creating will run deep in her long after you pause to take a breath.

[smackie9]

It's because of the LDR. LDR's frustrate, and hard to keep trust. It's only going to get worse, and cost you both financially to try to maintain it. Once you get over the honeymoon stage and your head is out of the clouds, you will realize it's not worth it.

[Gaeta]

Because long distance relationships aren't real relationships. Being physically with someone once every 3 months is pure torture and would drive anyone crazy. You do what it takes to be together by moving OR you just end it.

[mightycpa]

You're totally insecure. Inside, you've decided that she can get any man she wants and you see no reason she'd have loyalty to you. You make it sound like it's you, but maybe it's what she tells you on the phone, maybe it's because you can't get her on the phone late at night, maybe you've had fights about the future going nowhere, maybe you've seen guys hit on her in your presence and she doesn't blow them off.

 

Who knows why you do this? How can someone tell you how to stop if we don't know why?

 

The good news is that won't last very long, whether your criticism is justified or not. Nobody wants to put up with those accusations, not even cheaters.

[kendahke]

I'm in a long distance relationship with a wonderful woman.

 

I think she's a great woman. Women here, please also give me your perspectives.

 

My perspective: You aren't cut out for LDR's.

 

You're still way too influenced by your friends and what they say to have enough confidence in your decisions. They have nothing to say about your dating life. You haven't learned how to shut them down and until you do, it doesn't matter who you get with--what they think of who you're with is going to mean more to you than what you think, when what you think should be where this road starts and ends.

 

Her being Thai and thus automatically a cheater is nothing but rot.

 

I will tell you one thing: the day is rapidly approaching where she's going to tell you where to go and quick how to get there. No one with a healthy sense of themselves is going to tolerate being accused of made up stuff because the person accusing is too immature to handle LDR's.

 

You don't need a girlfriend. You need a therapist to help you get at the root of why you sabotage your relationships, why you're still too bound to the opinions of your friends and why you make up things not based in reality to torture yourself.