On Again OFF Again

[behindthesmoke]

ill try to go into as much detail without dragging out the story, any insight/opinions/comments would be appreciated <3

 

we met when 15 years old; i was in a serious 2 year relationship (that ex was my first and 2 years older, proposed to me but i said no bc realized i didnt love him/didnt see a future in the long run). says he liked me from the moment he met me and turns out we knew eachother since 5 years old from the same church community, but i dont remember him (he says he remembers me)

took him months and 4/5 months for me to say yes to being his girlfriend; was scared i would break his heart like ex-bf... but something felt different. within 3 months of dating we both said 'i love you' and meant it. first year was amazing but he lied about something very stupid and dragged it; its hard for me to trust anyone bc of destructive childhood/upbringing so was very crushed and broke up

 

got back together within a week bc we still loved eachother. another great year and pressure of university/college/get a career without degree meddles in out way and break up again

i tried moving on but two months later he reaches out and we get back. good couple of months and i get into university; kind of rocky relationship and arguing a lot; grades start to drop. start getting very sick and weak, find out i was pregnant and had a miscarriage. i become depressed and he becomes dependent on drugs, we break up. this time around i leave the country to go back home. clear my mind and date another guy after no contact for 5/6 months. this guy tries to propose and i say no bc not planning to stay forever and he wants me to (was 18 years old) come back home and live with cousins, begin a different job and start school. its been a year and he emails me to return my things (very personal items) so i call him a week later and tell him where to meet me. we see each other and heart starts racing again; hes nervously smiling and calling me beautiful. cousins hate him but love me and want to see me happy so tell me to go with my gut; we get back a month after.

 

he cant get into any school and gets angry/drug problems again, we break up. we get back 3 months later after he sees me in a magazine i modeled for, were fine. he gets into a college but has to leave the city to a very small town, gets depressed and we break up. i fight for him for the first time and i become depressed in the process; we're together after me fighting for 4 months and were fine but now have anxiety and depression while taking meds to calm issues. i break up with him 6 months later bc problems getting worse and notice hes treating me badly. turns out he was talking to girls behind my back bc wasnt happy.

 

find out im trying to move on bc im close with his sisters and they told him (was drunk at a bar with them and told him); we get back. fine again but starts being hot and cold. had enough and went to speak to him about everything, he hits me for the first and only time. cut all contact with him and goes to my cousins to look for me but i moved. cousins tell me i should talk with him bc he shows up every day, looking for me. i meet up and once again, we get back. he gets kicked out of school and we break up; back together. i graduate and we go on a break but we get back for much longer again. last big break up was last year; he says he didnt know if he loved me anymore and so i cried but told him were done for good. normally when we break up im home crying but instead went partying that night and he was where i showed up; super drunk dancing on a guy & friends too he sees and grabs me to kiss me but i was mad and pushed him off, telling him he doesnt love me anymore so let me go. i block him on everythig and he reaches out to best friend (his godbrother), family, close friends where i am but i begin to travel and get into a serious relationship. this guy also tries to propose but i leave him bc i cant love him the way he deserves. he moves on and i concentrate on myself and work.

 

ex reaches out 10 months later with an email about how hes been wrong and he cant move on bc he cant let go of us and im his first love; i dont contact him for a few weeks to think about everything; call him and tell him he has to move on bc i hate him and all the lies hes done. how hes damaged an unconditional relationship and i cant love him anymore bc he broke me. he begs for one last chance to proved hes changed and after two weeks we meet up.

 

both get butterflies and we get back a week after. things are fine and within 5 months looking at condos together to move into. start to notice he wants a break whenever things progress/get more serious/out of honeymoon stage and we go on break; i go to a party and get sexually assaulted (date-rape pill in drink, friend rescued me - long story) and we get back bc i call crying. were together for christmas and newyears and then i see a girl is texting him, flirting. i get upset and tells me its a client so i tell him to cuther off and does. still hurt bc he spoke to 11 other girls in the past and start to argue; roommate gives him drugs and i hear him zeeking out, making fun of insecurity. we dont talk for a day and then he shows up with roses, saying he loves me and is sorry.

 

one week later we break up; says he hasnt been feeling 100% about us for a month. doesnt know if he entirely loves me and needs to concentrate on work. were on the phone for 3 hours, breaking up. no closure just talking and back/forth. i remind him that he wrote me and email and begged for me back, only with the same problems i warned him about not to come back, did. this is a week before his birthday; i go completely no contact this time; dont wish him a happy birthday but instead leave on vacation. come back and meet up with his sisters for drinks when they noticed im tan. i tell them i left and they tell him; next day he goes to visit out friends in the states. more confused bc my last ex was in same resort as me and i know i dont want that ex back but made me miss him more; his family keeps asking me if i had called him andi say no; find out he loves me but wants to also figure out why he keeps breaking up.

 

as bad as this sounds, i love him. i know sometimes love isnt enough but im looking for something i can do to help out our relationship bc neither of us can entirely move on; i date other guys and then that bubbly/comforting love feeling doesnt happen. hes admitted hes tried dating but compares them to me and they dont match. hes admitted he cant let me go and wants us to have a future but this toxic back and forth behaviour is not just tiring but disrespectful. ive never gone nc like this before, itll be 30 days on tuesday. he has a lot of great qualitities or i wouldnt bother to go back. as well, current situation: ex who i ran into on vacation keeps trying to take me out as a date and i change it as friends going for a drink. using him as a crutch so i dont call ex i love drunk or when lonely (i know its bad).

 

what im asking for is what do i do? we keep getting back together and now i feel like im tired of fighting for it but i just want to know why my heart still aches/loves him. he does love me bc his mother called me on friday, crying bc she asked about me to him and he said to her he loves me, only to be told by one of his sisters privately we broke up. friends dont see a point in talkin about it bc we "always get back" and hes "the one, the others dont matter to you two anymore"

 

please, if anyone reads this... i just need someone to read this and tell me whats going on

 

TL; DR on and off relationship for 8/9 years. off again and looking for advise/clarity how to make it stick for the long run

Edited February 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[Downtown]

BTS, welcome to the LoveShack forum. You're describing a man who exhibits immaturity, emotional instability, and a lack of impulse control. I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exBF's issues. Although you are able to spot strong BPD behaviors, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation, e.g., taking your exBF back or running into the arms of another man just like him. Take care, BTS.

[Sweetfish]

[]

 

You do realize you are suffer from narcissistic abuse and dating a NPD/BPD

 

He has manipulated you, gas-lighted situations where you cannot confirm whats real or not real. The fact he got you pregnant just heightens his power over you. He uses you to supply his self-esteem. In reality he doesn't love you or may have never loved you. You are just another supply.

 

Run

Edited February 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted long quote of original post ~6