Dumped twice.. stood up twice... Am I cursed?

[moonchild94]

Back story.

 

I'm completely new to dating. I NEVER thought people were this dirty in real life. I don't go out a lot hence making it hard to meet people. I result to online dating. I use the app Tinder and Okcupid.

 

Met a few people on Okcupid.

 

First guy from Okcupid was nice and very eager. I actually drove to him from a different city 4 hours. He ended up being a drug dealer... He ended up stop talking to me because he went 3-4 days without talking to me.. or weeks. Even though he said he REALLY liked me. I didn't have a lot but I still drove to him.

 

Next, I got my first bf from Tinder. Absolute mess. Alcoholic, smoker, gambler with anger issues. Always put me down.. dumped me twice and almost cheated on me. Again I didnt have a lot of money but I took care of him.

 

Took a break for 3 months and went back on to online dating. Recently met this engineer from Tinder. He graduated from a nice college. Doesn't party or drink. I thought oh wow, he's different. I usually attract party boys so maybe he's decent. We were supposed to hangout but he stood me up not once but twice. I felt humiliated and cried on my way home. I didn't have a lot of money and I sacrificed that as well.

 

 

I feel like nothing. I tolerated their lifestyles because I didn't want to be picky but they all end up leaving me. Everyone I meet dumps me, rejects me or stands me up. The attraction isn't bad hence we match off our pictures. I dont know what I'm doing wrong. Like I said it's so hard for me to meet people so I result to online dating. I also seem to put the most effort into everything and always drive to the guys but they never do so for me. I look around and girls I know who have multiple bfs or messing with different guys end up in relationships. I'm being genuine and they all just leave me hanging or don't bother messing with me at all. It sucks... Why is it that when I'm at my lowest points guys come around but when I'm not they are no where to be found..

What.. do .. I ... do?

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

Do you have low self esteem? It sounds like you easily settle for any guy that comes along.

 

If you're only judging people by looks, this is the result of your vanity.

 

Not trying to be mean, just how I see it.

[moonchild94]

Do you have low self esteem? It sounds like you easily settle for any guy that comes along.

 

If you're only judging people by looks, this is the result of your vanity.

 

Not trying to be mean, just how I see it.

 

Not at all. My first bf I didnt like him for his looks.

I thought wow... he's not my type at all but I will give it a go.

He seemed a bit geeky and fun so I stayed with him but he had all those issues.

 

Another guy I didnt like for his looks but I saw he went to a good college and that had a nice job and we were the same age.

 

Both ended up being complete jerks.

[moonchild94]

Do you have low self esteem? It sounds like you easily settle for any guy that comes along.

 

If you're only judging people by looks, this is the result of your vanity.

 

Not trying to be mean, just how I see it.

 

I do have low self esteem though...

[central]

Only twice for each? Wow, I wish I'd had it so good! But hang in there - not everyone is a jerk or a flake. There are some very good people, and there will be one (or more) who will be a really great match. Patience. And persistence!

 

Besides, these bad experiences help you learn what to look for, and avoid a lot of the poor choices. There is a learning curve to online dating - or any kind of dating.

[basil67]

You're doing a heap of things wrong. But it's good that you're asking because these are all things which can be changed.

 

First up, you've got history with an abusive guy. Have you done counselling to get to the bottom of your experience with him? It's just that what you're seeing now is history repeating itself....and it's not going to stop unless you change your approach.

 

The sort of things you need to figure out is why you accepting guys who have unacceptable lifestyles? Yes, I get that you don't want to be too picky, and this is admirable. But you're going overboard and making really bad choices. Not being picky is about giving a guy a chance if he's not so handsome. Or shorter than you. Or if he works stacking shelves while looking for a better job. It's not about accepting the unacceptable. Of course, we can meet someone and later discover their lifestyle. When you find it out, the only reasonable course of action is to get out of there.

 

Stop making all the effort. At the very least, let him come to you the first and alternate times. Put in 50% of the effort. No more.

 

Don't take care of guys. They are grown men who should be taking care of themselves. You are not their mother.

 

Don't spend your money on them. Pay your own way, or take turns paying. But don't let the money get unequal.

 

What is it about your lifestyle which makes it difficult for you to meet people in real life?

[basil67]

Another guy I didnt like for his looks but I saw he went to a good college and that had a nice job and we were the same age.

 

A good college and a nice job do not reflect what a person's attitude to life will be. Don't try and judge a person's worthiness on such criteria.

[moonchild94]

You're doing a heap of things wrong. But it's good that you're asking because these are all things which can be changed.

 

First up, you've got history with an abusive guy. Have you done counselling to get to the bottom of your experience with him? It's just that what you're seeing now is history repeating itself....and it's not going to stop unless you change your approach.

 

The sort of things you need to figure out is why you accepting guys who have unacceptable lifestyles? Yes, I get that you don't want to be too picky, and this is admirable. But you're going overboard and making really bad choices. Not being picky is about giving a guy a chance if he's not so handsome. Or shorter than you. Or if he works stacking shelves while looking for a better job. It's not about accepting the unacceptable. Of course, we can meet someone and later discover their lifestyle. When you find it out, the only reasonable course of action is to get out of there.

 

Stop making all the effort. At the very least, let him come to you the first and alternate times. Put in 50% of the effort. No more.

 

Don't take care of guys. They are grown men who should be taking care of themselves. You are not their mother.

 

Don't spend your money on them. Pay your own way, or take turns paying. But don't let the money get unequal.

 

What is it about your lifestyle which makes it difficult for you to meet people in real life?

 

Yeah, I know for sure I act like the mom. My first bf had so many issues and I was more of like his mom rather than his gf. I thought that if you put in all the work and show assertiveness that they like that? Like when they offer to pick me up, I always decline and say I can get there myself. Or I offer to pay for the meal. I've always been independent too so I'm not used to them doing things for me. If I don't show interest.....won't they get bored? I don't know how to date and it sucks.

 

My lifestyle is hard right now because I've just recently moved. I have no job and I'm stuck at home at the moment. No car either so I can't go anywhere. I used to have all of that but with my recent move I don't anymore.

[moonchild94]

A good college and a nice job do not reflect what a person's attitude to life will be. Don't try and judge a person's worthiness on such criteria.

 

Yeah I didn't know. I was so used to dating guys that didn't go to a good college or have a nice job so it was different.

[OnlyHonesty]

I do have low self esteem though...

 

 

Then that should be your priority, not dating. If you have low self esteem, then you will either attract people who also have it, or attract people that will take advantage of it.

 

You have your priorities all wrong but it provides you with a perfect distraction because venting about bad dates is much easier than investigating, understanding, working on and improving self esteem.

[moonchild94]

Then that should be your priority, not dating. If you have low self esteem, then you will either attract people who also have it, or attract people that will take advantage of it.

 

You have your priorities all wrong but it provides you with a perfect distraction because venting about bad dates is much easier than investigating, understanding, working on and improving self esteem.

 

That's the thing. I don't know HOW to.

I go to counseling to try and improve myself.

I try to treat myself out for things to tell my self I deserve things.

But it's hard. I eat healthy.. I work out as well but not to where I am happy with myself in how I look. It's such a hard process and easier said than done.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

If you don't respect yourself, no one else will.

[coolheadal]

OkCupid isn't that bad but you need to know how to take control of it. Still never pay for anyone to come to see you. Unless you have been talking to them for 6 months or more But then again you just don't know who you are really talking too. Tinder isn't that good more of pickup, hookup, flirting/teasing more than finding true love on. Just have to pull yourself together and the right guy would appear.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

There's more quality on Match for OLD

[basil67]

Yeah, I know for sure I act like the mom. My first bf had so many issues and I was more of like his mom rather than his gf. I thought that if you put in all the work and show assertiveness that they like that? Like when they offer to pick me up, I always decline and say I can get there myself. Or I offer to pay for the meal. I've always been independent too so I'm not used to them doing things for me. If I don't show interest.....won't they get bored? I don't know how to date and it sucks.

 

My lifestyle is hard right now because I've just recently moved. I have no job and I'm stuck at home at the moment. No car either so I can't go anywhere. I used to have all of that but with my recent move I don't anymore.

 

Ok, let's break this down.

 

First off, don't act like a mom. Act like a girlfriend. If his behaviour is dysfunctional enough to need a mom, then hand him back to his mom and go find a grown up.

 

I don't know of any man who wants a woman to do all the work. I've always gone along the idea of give and take. Besides, if you do all the work, how can they show their appreciation?

 

I think you're confusing assertiveness with leading. Being assertive is about getting your own needs met while not crushing those around you. Neither partner should have overwhelming stakes in saying what will happen in the relationship. It's a partnership...more give and take.

 

Let him pick you up. If someone wants to do something nice for us, accept it graciously. It feels nice for you to receive and it feels nice for them to give.

 

Of course you must show interest. But don't do it by bulldozing your way through. Show interest by taking turns in organising things. Show interest by telling him how much you're enjoying his company. Show interest by buying the pre dinner drinks if he's shouting you dinner.

 

Now that we've got through the question of dealing with the average man, let's talk about you. What would you describe as being a great relationship? How would you like to be treated? You need to learn to behave in a way which will leave you being treated as you want.

[basil67]

That's the thing. I don't know HOW to.

I go to counseling to try and improve myself.

I try to treat myself out for things to tell my self I deserve things.

But it's hard. I eat healthy.. I work out as well but not to where I am happy with myself in how I look. It's such a hard process and easier said than done.

 

Why do you connect how you look with what you want in life?

[moonchild94]

Ok, let's break this down.

 

First off, don't act like a mom. Act like a girlfriend. If his behaviour is dysfunctional enough to need a mom, then hand him back to his mom and go find a grown up.

 

I don't know of any man who wants a woman to do all the work. I've always gone along the idea of give and take. Besides, if you do all the work, how can they show their appreciation?

 

I think you're confusing assertiveness with leading. Being assertive is about getting your own needs met while not crushing those around you. Neither partner should have overwhelming stakes in saying what will happen in the relationship. It's a partnership...more give and take.

 

Let him pick you up. If someone wants to do something nice for us, accept it graciously. It feels nice for you to receive and it feels nice for them to give.

 

Of course you must show interest. But don't do it by bulldozing your way through. Show interest by taking turns in organising things. Show interest by telling him how much you're enjoying his company. Show interest by buying the pre dinner drinks if he's shouting you dinner.

 

Now that we've got through the question of dealing with the average man, let's talk about you. What would you describe as being a great relationship? How would you like to be treated? You need to learn to behave in a way which will leave you being treated as you want.

 

 

Well thats the thing I did those too?

Like my ex...he brought me a gift from his work... it was a plastic cup.

I wasnt thrilled receiving it but I told him thank you so much and I was excited and took a picture with it. When he cooked food I ate it and told him it was good. I always complimented him on his haircuts or his appearance.

I'm making it equal.. I try not to do it all but idk what I'm doing wrong and it's aggravating. I feel like crap. Also my ex never organized things except to go eat at a place that he liked to eat.

 

Just now I recently talked to a guy and he asked for my picture as a contact one. I sent him one and he replied calling me a nerd and then stopped texting me as a whole even though we made plans to meet. Now I feel like he's going to ignore me to give me a hint that that's cancelled now.

 

I feel like appearance is the only thing important now. That's all they look for.

I feel like I tried everything and it's never enough. All in one day I keep getting rejected.. I feel like I'm just being rejected my whole life.

 

I feel like a good relationship is finding someone that wants similar goals, a good friend and enjoys each other's company and to grow with each other?

[basil67]

Well thats the thing I did those too?

Like my ex...he brought me a gift from his work... it was a plastic cup.

I wasnt thrilled receiving it but I told him thank you so much and I was excited and took a picture with it. When he cooked food I ate it and told him it was good. I always complimented him on his haircuts or his appearance.

I'm making it equal.. I try not to do it all but idk what I'm doing wrong and it's aggravating. I feel like crap. Also my ex never organized things except to go eat at a place that he liked to eat.

 

Just now I recently talked to a guy and he asked for my picture as a contact one. I sent him one and he replied calling me a nerd and then stopped texting me as a whole even though we made plans to meet. Now I feel like he's going to ignore me to give me a hint that that's cancelled now.

 

I feel like appearance is the only thing important now. That's all they look for.

I feel like I tried everything and it's never enough. All in one day I keep getting rejected.. I feel like I'm just being rejected my whole life.

 

I feel like a good relationship is finding someone that wants similar goals, a good friend and enjoys each other's company and to grow with each other?

 

It's not about doing girlfriendy things too. It's about stopping behaving like a mom. ONLY do girlfriend things.

 

Speaking of mom things, getting excited over a free plastic cup is what mothers do when their children bring them ugly gifts. You're trying too hard. A simple, calm "thanks for that" is more than adequate for something which has little thought go into it. To be honest, if I brought my partner a freebie I got from work, I'd think there was something wrong with him if he got excited over it.

 

The other stuff you do.... eating what he cooks and thanking him for it is just common courtesy. I am also hoping that your thank-yous weren't over the top for this. If it's a simple meal, you give simple thanks. If the meal was something special, then tell him that it was really tasty but don't ruin it by overdoing the gratefulness.

 

I see many posts where women get dumped and they are like "I cooked and cleaned and was so nice to him but he still dumped me". Thing is, you can do everything in the world for a partner. You can be eternally grateful for each thing they do. But if your personalities don't mesh, then it's still not going to work.

 

Now, it may be true that both of these guys broke up with you. But from what I see, they were both losers who did you a favour. Why are you upset that you aren't still with the drug dealer and then the alcoholic?

 

The guy who stood you up? Yeah, it happens to everyone. As tough as it is, don't take it personally.

 

The guy who called you a nerd? He was a rude troll. I'm curious as to your reaction though. Why are you thinking about what he's going to do next? You're not actually considering speaking to him again are you? An immediate blocking without explanation is how a woman who has self esteem would act in this situation.

 

If you think that guys only care about looks, I will challenge you and suggest that you've never truly known a guy. If what you say is true, you'd never see average looking women in relationships. Please challenge such cynicism with logic.

 

You say that in a relationship, you want "someone that wants similar goals, a good friend and enjoys each other's company and to grow with each other". This is a good goal. Now, did the drug dealer and the alcoholic fit nicely into your life plan?

Edited February 6, 2017 by basil67

[moonchild94]

It's not about doing girlfriendy things too. It's about stopping behaving like a mom. ONLY do girlfriend things.

 

Speaking of mom things, getting excited over a free plastic cup is what mothers do when their children bring them ugly gifts. You're trying too hard. A simple, calm "thanks for that" is more than adequate for something which has little thought go into it. To be honest, if I brought my partner a freebie I got from work, I'd think there was something wrong with him if he got excited over it.

 

The other stuff you do.... eating what he cooks and thanking him for it is just common courtesy. I am also hoping that your thank-yous weren't over the top for this. If it's a simple meal, you give simple thanks. If the meal was something special, then tell him that it was really tasty but don't ruin it by overdoing the gratefulness.

 

I see many posts where women get dumped and they are like "I cooked and cleaned and was so nice to him but he still dumped me". Thing is, you can do everything in the world for a partner. You can be eternally grateful for each thing they do. But if your personalities don't mesh, then it's still not going to work.

 

Now, it may be true that both of these guys broke up with you. But from what I see, they were both losers who did you a favour. Why are you upset that you aren't still with the drug dealer and then the alcoholic?

 

The guy who stood you up? Yeah, it happens to everyone. As tough as it is, don't take it personally.

 

The guy who called you a nerd? He was a rude troll. I'm curious as to your reaction though. Why are you thinking about what he's going to do next? You're not actually considering speaking to him again are you? An immediate blocking without explanation is how a woman who has self esteem would act in this situation.

 

If you think that guys only care about looks, I will challenge you and suggest that you've never truly known a guy. If what you say is true, you'd never see average looking women in relationships. Please challenge such cynicism with logic.

 

You say that in a relationship, you want "someone that wants similar goals, a good friend and enjoys each other's company and to grow with each other". This is a good goal. Now, did the drug dealer and the alcoholic fit nicely into your life plan?

 

Wow, when you put it that way I didn't realize those were all motherly things I was doing. I thought I had to be appreciative about the plastic cup. When I told my friends they thought he was crazy for even giving me that and said I should've questioned or threw it away. I only accepted it and acted excited because he said he didn't have a lot of money and wasn't good at giving gifts. So I thought oh this is thoughtful. The simple meals I thanked him and didn't get overly excited about. I think I pitied him more rather than being a proper gf is the thing. I wanted to help him because he was a mess.

 

I think I'm upset they broke up with me because I'm angry at myself that I didn't leave! I pitied them and it sucks that I did that....

[moonchild94]

It's not about doing girlfriendy things too. It's about stopping behaving like a mom. ONLY do girlfriend things.

 

Speaking of mom things, getting excited over a free plastic cup is what mothers do when their children bring them ugly gifts. You're trying too hard. A simple, calm "thanks for that" is more than adequate for something which has little thought go into it. To be honest, if I brought my partner a freebie I got from work, I'd think there was something wrong with him if he got excited over it.

 

The other stuff you do.... eating what he cooks and thanking him for it is just common courtesy. I am also hoping that your thank-yous weren't over the top for this. If it's a simple meal, you give simple thanks. If the meal was something special, then tell him that it was really tasty but don't ruin it by overdoing the gratefulness.

 

I see many posts where women get dumped and they are like "I cooked and cleaned and was so nice to him but he still dumped me". Thing is, you can do everything in the world for a partner. You can be eternally grateful for each thing they do. But if your personalities don't mesh, then it's still not going to work.

 

Now, it may be true that both of these guys broke up with you. But from what I see, they were both losers who did you a favour. Why are you upset that you aren't still with the drug dealer and then the alcoholic?

 

The guy who stood you up? Yeah, it happens to everyone. As tough as it is, don't take it personally.

 

The guy who called you a nerd? He was a rude troll. I'm curious as to your reaction though. Why are you thinking about what he's going to do next? You're not actually considering speaking to him again are you? An immediate blocking without explanation is how a woman who has self esteem would act in this situation.

 

If you think that guys only care about looks, I will challenge you and suggest that you've never truly known a guy. If what you say is true, you'd never see average looking women in relationships. Please challenge such cynicism with logic.

 

You say that in a relationship, you want "someone that wants similar goals, a good friend and enjoys each other's company and to grow with each other". This is a good goal. Now, did the drug dealer and the alcoholic fit nicely into your life plan?

 

 

Quick question.

What are girlfriendly things then?

[moonchild94]

Every single guy I meet turns out bad from online dating.

I have low self esteem but I try to work with it.

 

1st guy dumped me. Smoked too much/ drinked.

 

2nd guy dumped me twice. Had issues with alcohol, semi cheated on me, talked to too many girls, smoked too much.

 

I took a 4 month break.

 

3rd guy stood me up twice. Worked at a nice company liked similar things I liked.

 

4th guy dumped me because he said he doesn't like girls that like glasses. Also works at a very nice company as well.

 

I'm very open minded and I'm not picky on looks.

Any guy that messages me and starts a conversation I talk to.

They end up talking to me for a bit but then they leave or they don't message back. I'm not understanding what I'm doing wrong.

I try talking to different guys... I text flirty like.

Is it because I settle to early? I try to have them take the lead as well but it just doesn't work. I didn't choose these guys based on their qualities... they show up later the more we talk. They hide them before I even say no to those kind of things.

[ashy555]

First of all, some people are just lucky in love. Others not so much. Please remember that.

Second of all... that is not that many dumpings.. Sorry to tell you that.

I know you're feeling down and negative but what you need to realize is that you are worth MORE than the way these men treat you. Why did you let a guy stand you up TWICE? You should of ran after the first time as he completely lacks respect for you. You should have left as soon as someone treated you like crap and dumped you the first time. You should have left as soon as you found out someone is an alcoholic drug dealer. You need to have values and HONOUR those values. Don't act desperate. Putting up with that behaviour out of desperation does not get you what you want. Be patient and cut them off at the sign of any red flags. You will eventually meet someone nice.

 

Take some time off dating and work on yourself and your own self worth. You teach people how to treat you. If you don't, you will just keep meeting more and more of the wrong men.

Take these men as learning curves.

[moonchild94]

First of all, some people are just lucky in love. Others not so much. Please remember that.

Second of all... that is not that many dumpings.. Sorry to tell you that.

I know you're feeling down and negative but what you need to realize is that you are worth MORE than the way these men treat you. Why did you let a guy stand you up TWICE? You should of ran after the first time as he completely lacks respect for you. You should have left as soon as someone treated you like crap and dumped you the first time. You should have left as soon as you found out someone is an alcoholic drug dealer. You need to have values and HONOUR those values. Don't act desperate. Putting up with that behaviour out of desperation does not get you what you want. Be patient and cut them off at the sign of any red flags. You will eventually meet someone nice.

 

Take some time off dating and work on yourself and your own self worth. You teach people how to treat you. If you don't, you will just keep meeting more and more of the wrong men.

Take these men as learning curves.

 

 

Guy number 4 seemed promising. He just dumped me today actually.

He wanted me to send pictures of myself. So I did but he didn't send any of himself. I didn't even meet him yet but we were supposed to meet Saturday. He's an hour away and I was going to go to him. I kept having second thoughts. I didn't want my dates to go like this. So I told him I'm canceling. He said why? I told him I don't want anything sexual... he said what makes you think I want that? I told him because he always wants sexual pics and talks dirty. He told me we don't have to go to his home. Last days he always texted me good morning. So I talk to him during the day... but he always ask for pictures. I asked him to send me some of him.. because he never does. He didn't send any. I start getting suspicious. He says I'm overthinking it and we are just going to get coffee and chat. I told him I'm not used to dating but I want to date properly and I don't think it'll work. He said it will dong overthink.. so we text today. I'm talking normally.. asking his day. He's bland.. we got into the convo for glasses. He says he doesn't like girls that wear them. J told him well I wear them? He says do you wear them all the time? I said no but I need to see with them. He says I just don't like girls with glasses. I said well I do wear them and guess we won't work out then and it was nice talking to him these past days. He just ends it with ok..... now I feel like crap. He would also playfully call me a loser....

[moonchild94]

First of all, some people are just lucky in love. Others not so much. Please remember that.

Second of all... that is not that many dumpings.. Sorry to tell you that.

I know you're feeling down and negative but what you need to realize is that you are worth MORE than the way these men treat you. Why did you let a guy stand you up TWICE? You should of ran after the first time as he completely lacks respect for you. You should have left as soon as someone treated you like crap and dumped you the first time. You should have left as soon as you found out someone is an alcoholic drug dealer. You need to have values and HONOUR those values. Don't act desperate. Putting up with that behaviour out of desperation does not get you what you want. Be patient and cut them off at the sign of any red flags. You will eventually meet someone nice.

 

Take some time off dating and work on yourself and your own self worth. You teach people how to treat you. If you don't, you will just keep meeting more and more of the wrong men.

Take these men as learning curves.

 

The guy said I was attractive and wanted to keep it flirty.... but always wanted pics but never reciprocated. He said he didn't want s hookup but kept saying why won't I have sex and go raw with him? Was he playing games or something? Idk how to date and I'm nervous any guy will get over me because of it.

[moonchild94]

First of all, some people are just lucky in love. Others not so much. Please remember that.

Second of all... that is not that many dumpings.. Sorry to tell you that.

I know you're feeling down and negative but what you need to realize is that you are worth MORE than the way these men treat you. Why did you let a guy stand you up TWICE? You should of ran after the first time as he completely lacks respect for you. You should have left as soon as someone treated you like crap and dumped you the first time. You should have left as soon as you found out someone is an alcoholic drug dealer. You need to have values and HONOUR those values. Don't act desperate. Putting up with that behaviour out of desperation does not get you what you want. Be patient and cut them off at the sign of any red flags. You will eventually meet someone nice.

 

Take some time off dating and work on yourself and your own self worth. You teach people how to treat you. If you don't, you will just keep meeting more and more of the wrong men.

Take these men as learning curves.

 

Yeah, I'm just going to stop dating...

it's not worth all the stress.