is this a compliment or an insult?

[chumly]

I would love others input on this...

 

someone is interested in taking me out on dates and one of the reasons that he said he is interested in me is because he has no money for dates with women and he knows that I am a good enough person to look past that aspect about him and be willing to go dutch or just do things that are not very expensive.

 

Now, this is very true about me. I am like this ..and I dont expect men to pay for me on dates and things like that so in some ways this is kind of like a compliment..as if to say I am a good person and not superficial however, at the same time I cant help but wonder if it is a bit of an insult too..as if to say the only reason that he has an interest in me is due to his lack of money (so no other women want him) so he is going to settle for me since I will accept this??and maybe if he had money he would spend it on these other women and not me and would not even have an interest in me?? It feels as if there is something very insulting about this but not sure if I am overanalyzing like I tend to do.

 

would like to know others thoughts on this..is this an insult or a compliment towards me?? I am not sure how to take this??

 

any thoughts on this would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

[smackie9]

Insult or not, this guy is a tool.

 

This guy is bitter, and has a negative perspective about women in general. The reason he said that was to make a point of that he will not be taken for granted, and will never pay for dates so you can take it or leave it.

 

Don't date this guy.....it's not about money, it's about attitude.

[preraph]

Don't go out on a date with a guy who says he has no money for dates. I mean, he is going to expect you to foot the bill. If you were looking for a relationship, you don't want to have it with someone who can't even take care of himself!!!! Don't go. Tell him it's about him not being able to support himself. Tell him you can and want someone equal or better.

 

The chances are this guy is tired of spending money on OLD without getting laid, pure and simple. So like it's said above, it's about attitude.

[d0nnivain]

Don't date this guy. If for no other reason, he has no clue. Even if his financial situation is what it is, had he been interested in you, as opposed to just a women who was willing to look past his cheapskate tendencies he could have romanced you inexpensively and this disclosed his financial position to you after establishing your connection. Instead he says what he said to you. How crass. If he cared about you he'd have enough desire to impress you that he wouldn't so easily disclose his situation.

[chumly]

Interesting! thanks everyone for the input on it! I did not even think of those aspects of it either.

 

Yes, this man does not seem to be very good with talking to women at all. There probably could have been better ways for him to convey that to me. I mean, he did say it sort of nicely but like you said, there is something weird about it that displays a bad attitude.

 

Thanks so much for the thoughts on this. I am glad I asked.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I had to quickly confirm whether the first responses were all from women and yes, they were. All saying ditch this guy.

 

I'm the first male.....yes, ditch this guy.

 

His 'compliment' was a pre-emptive approach to let you know w/o admitting to it that he was a cheapskate. The compliment was there to hopefully play to your more vain, self-affirming side of you in the hopes that he will not have to be held responsible for more than he was willing to put into it. And it sounds like not much.

[E3ZY219]

Seems like he is trying to compliment you by implying that you appear to be nicer than other women that he has dealt with. However, by conveying his inability to fund dates, seems like he is pushing the responsibility on you or trying to do as minimal as possible. I agree with the others, and think you should perhaps think twice about a date.

[elaine567]

someone is interested in taking me out on dates and one of the reasons that he said he is interested in me is because he has no money for dates with women and he knows that I am a good enough person to look past that aspect about him and be willing to go dutch or just do things that are not very expensive.

 

 

Its an insult.

[Taramere]

I would love others input on this...

 

someone is interested in taking me out on dates and one of the reasons that he said he is interested in me is because he has no money for dates with women and he knows that I am a good enough person to look past that aspect about him and be willing to go dutch or just do things that are not very expensive.

 

 

Let's say he did have money, but was attracted to you in part because he admired your non materialistic approach. In that situation, he wouldn't need you to be non materialistic, so you could have reasonable confidence that his admiration of that quality in you would be more genuine.

 

But in this situation, you haven't much way of knowing whether his expressed admiration of it is genuine, or whether he just needs you to be that way on account of his lack of funds. I wouldn't be taking it as a compliment, though I wouldn't necessarily view it too harshly either. I'd probably just perceive it as him being honest about his lack of funds. Honesty is an admirable quality, and if I liked him I would be willing to hang out with him regardless...but I'd be finding ways to test out whether that expressed admiration of my non materialistic outlook was a genuine thing.

 

Because what you don't want is to invest your time and emotion in a broke guy who doesn't really value your non-grabby attitude as much as he says, and who is likely to ditch you for somebody with a more entitled attitude the moment he gets his hands on a bit of cash. People are often that bit nicer, more spiritual, less materialistic etc when they're encountering a cash flow issue than they are when things are going well. A bit more testing of this guy would be in order, I think, before you reach any firm conclusions about him.

Edited February 5, 2017 by Taramere

[chumly]

thanks everyone for all the responses..they are all so helpful and insightful!

 

 

Taramere...you are so so so so spot on with what you said here! That is so true! My xboyfriend said it was the one thing that he liked so much about me ..when we went on our first date I asked what my half of the bill was. I was the only woman he had gone out with that did not automatically expect him to pay for their meal. He really liked that about me and like you said, I know it was true because he had the money to pay for me and he did but he loved my attitude about things..but like you said, with this man..how can I know?? I am almost tempted to just come out and ask him but I dont know how that would go over or sound..plus he will never admit to it either.

 

So I am not really sure how to know for sure about that?? and how to test his sincerity?? Does he secrety want the glamorous women that he cant afford? and once he comes into money will he go after them and dump me, like you said??? I am not really sure how I can find that out without investing too much time on him either in case he really is that big of a loser.

 

Like others said, the attitude behind it is not very attractive. Although I am probably not wording it the best..he used better words when conveying this to me but either way..the point was still the same as to what he was saying.

 

Anyway, thanks so much Taramere for being so good at wording and understanding my dilemma here. You actually did a much better job at putting into words exactly what I was feeling..thanks so much for that!!:):bunny:

 

 

 

Ok thanks everyone..this has given me quite a bit to think about. I really appreciate it.

[Dis]

I agree with the others

 

But I do want to point something out

 

Theres no point in over-analyzing your 'relationships' with these men when you're not going to meet them

 

Its like saving up for a car when you dont have a liscense

 

You can create thread after thread about the same thing but it doesnt change this self-destructive place you're at in life...only you can change that

 

Its sad to read your threads. Its like you're stuck in this place but I know that deep down you want to move forward so badly. It seems like you create these threads to try to convince yourself that you've changed and moved forward and this time its 'different'

 

At some point I really hope you do

[Gr8fuln2020]

I would love others input on this...

 

someone is interested in taking me out on dates and one of the reasons that he said he is interested in me is because he has no money for dates with women and he knows that I am a good enough person to look past that aspect about him and be willing to go dutch or just do things that are not very expensive.

 

Had you known him in the past? He, you? So, his 'compliment' came out of the blue?

[Taramere]

but like you said, with this man..how can I know?? I am almost tempted to just come out and ask him but I dont know how that would go over or sound..plus he will never admit to it either.

 

So I am not really sure how to know for sure about that?? and how to test his sincerity??

 

It's actually not that difficult. People will tell you almost anything about themselves so long as you convey a non judgemental attitude while you're listening.

 

Tempting as it would be to ask "is my non materialistic outlook on life more attractive to you because you're broke, or do you think you'd value it regardless of your own financial circumstances?"...you're absolutely right. The only answer you'd get would be the one he would feel placed him in the best (most "genuine person") light. So you have to play it more canny than that.

 

For example, convey that you were flattered by his compliment about you being non materialistic...and then just let him react to that. If he drops in some comment about women who are gold diggers, encourage him to talk a bit more about that. Men often vent the hardest and angriest about the women they secretly find the most desirable, so pay attention to any of that sort of venting - and heed the warning it should give you.

 

But if his emphasis isn't on gold diggers/women who make him angry, but is more on conveying a general appreciation of women who are spiritual, enjoy nature, have an imaginative/creative approach to dates, are more focused on having fun and good conversation than they are on being wined and dined in expensive surroundings...in that situation you're more likely to be on to a winner.

 

Quizzing him a bit on his hobbies is also a good idea. Open ended (and again, non judgementally worded) questions along the lines of "if money were no object, what would your perfect day look like?" Just generally get him onto that subject of talking about what his life would be like if he were wealthier. Immerse him in the fantasy of suddenly feeling like a rich, powerful man, and learn about who he is by how he expresses himself while he's in that mode. You don't find out much about people when they're at their weakest and neediest. It's when they're feeling powerful that you see what they're really about.

 

Does he secrety want the glamorous women that he cant afford? and once he comes into money will he go after them and dump me, like you said??? I am not really sure how I can find that out without investing too much time on him either in case he really is that big of a loser.

 

Just don't commit emotionally while you're in investigative mode. Treat it primarily as an exercise in training yourself in the art of sh*t testing, and it won't be time wasted.

 

Like others said, the attitude behind it is not very attractive. Although I am probably not wording it the best..he used better words when conveying this to me but either way..the point was still the same as to what he was saying.

 

It sounds as though you have an instinct about him being somebody who you shouldn't be wasting too much time on. If that's a very strong instinct, then you might be just as well not investing any more time on him. However, if you're not entirely sure and want to test him out a bit more then I would say use the time to hone those testing techniques.

 

I know that sounds a bit manipulative, but that's mainly because I'm analysing in writing something that in practice comes fairly automatically You're presenting as a nice, genuine sort of woman who is willing to give guys a go even if they're not doing all that well in life...and that opens you up to potentially negative experiences from users. So to protect yourself against some of the pitfalls of being nice, you need to develop good people-reading/testing skills.

 

Anyway, thanks so much Taramere for being so good at wording and understanding my dilemma here. You actually did a much better job at putting into words exactly what I was feeling..thanks so much for that!!:):bunny:

 

Yay me!

 

Good luck, chumly. I hope that if this guy fails the test, a better one comes along without too much delay.

[dispatch3d]

I'm a guy, I'd prefer a girl who likes to go dutch. Otherwise I feel like I'm paying to hang out with the girl.

 

I don't see why this is a good deal breaker. Also that's not an insult, insults sound much different......

[Simple Logic]

I would love others input on this...

 

someone is interested in taking me out on dates and one of the reasons that he said he is interested in me is because he has no money for dates with women and he knows that I am a good enough person to look past that aspect about him and be willing to go dutch or just do things that are not very expensive.

 

Now, this is very true about me. I am like this ..and I dont expect men to pay for me on dates and things like that so in some ways this is kind of like a compliment..as if to say I am a good person and not superficial however, at the same time I cant help but wonder if it is a bit of an insult too..as if to say the only reason that he has an interest in me is due to his lack of money (so no other women want him) so he is going to settle for me since I will accept this??and maybe if he had money he would spend it on these other women and not me and would not even have an interest in me?? It feels as if there is something very insulting about this but not sure if I am overanalyzing like I tend to do.

 

would like to know others thoughts on this..is this an insult or a compliment towards me?? I am not sure how to take this??

 

any thoughts on this would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

 

I do not believe it was an insult. Is the guy broke for a reason or just a bum? Does he have funds and just not want to spend money on dates? If he has little money for a valid reason, date him if you want to. If he is a bum or just doesn't want to spend money on dates, forget him.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

I think going dutch is fine, but the way he worded it seemed bitter.

[Els]

Yikes. No, no, no. That's like a woman telling a guy that the reason she's interested in him is that he's socially awkward so she won't have to deal with other women being interested in him! I mean, yes, some guys like girls who go dutch, and some girls like shy guys. But to state that as "the reason I like you"... that's not a great basis for a relationship, not to mention completely crass!

[chumly]

thanks everyone for the added thoughts and insights! It is interesting to get opinions from men too on this.

 

 

Disillusionment373...thanks I realize you are just trying to help but this is not about the same thing but I gave your post a like anyway because I realize that your intentions are to help...however, this is in reference to a person I "did" meet from a dating site a while ago and we remained friends and now he has an interest in dating me.

 

And just for the record..I would hardly call me taking a long time to meet people I am on the fence about from dating sites "self destructive"...self destructive would be doing things like taking drugs, abusing alcohol, cutting myself, starving myself and things like that. ..thankfully I dont do any of those things.

 

It might be different if I was referring to men that seemed really nice but was holding back on meeting them but can you honestly say that I have described anybody on here so far that seemed overly nice so far that you felt it was ashame that i never met them??? I assure you that the really nice people I have been in contact with I met so far!! and I will always be more willing to meet the nicer ones first..I am just not going to run out to meet people i am unsure about ...I would define that as "self destructive"..a woman can never be too careful about who they meet online or anywhere...In fact, I have a few friends and relatives that actually applaud me for being so careful about who I meet from online. They say it is better to be safe then sorry. Do you realize how many people have met people from online that resulted in violent crimes against them? so I am sorry but I DO NOT agree with your description of me here..in fact, I think it is rather insulting since you really dont know me at all..but I wont take offense since you are only going by posts I make online and dont really know me personally and I realize I am kind of putting myself out to be attacked like that by posting as I do so like I said, I am going to take your post from where it is coming from..a place of ignorance as to who I really am. However, I would like to suggest that if my posts make you sad that maybe you just dont read them anymore then..but thanks all the same..

 

simpleNfit...Thanks so much..yes, I have known him for a little while. we met from online dating and remained friends. He knows that I have this attitude about dating and have no stereotypical issues at all when it comes to who pays and who does not.

 

Taramere..Thanks so much..I LOVE these suggestions! I love the idea of asking him what he would do if he had money etc etc..Great, great advice and I will let you know how he responds ..if he does..lol;) Thanks so much:)

 

 

dispatch3d...Thanks so much!! it is so interesting to read advise from men on this! Thanks for the input.

 

 

Simple Logic...thanks so much for your input as well! actually it seems like he has been struggling financially for as long as I have known him...for about a year but a while back I think he was doing better financially. Thanks for the input ..so interesting to read a different response.

 

barcode88...Thanks so much for this. Yes, I have no problem with going dutch either.

 

Elswyth..Thanks and yes, I agree that to have that be the reason to like me is a bit strange. I guess I would feel better if I knew there were other things he liked about me other then that...but I am unsure if there is..I think that is part of the problem here... thanks

 

 

Thanks everyone:)

Edited February 6, 2017 by chumly

[Gr8fuln2020]

thanks everyone for the added thoughts and insights! It is interesting to get opinions from men too on this.

 

 

Disillusionment373...thanks I realize you are just trying to help but this is not about the same thing but I gave your post a like anyway because I realize that your intentions are to help...however, this is in reference to a person I "did" meet from a dating site a while ago and we remained friends and now he has an interest in dating me.

 

And just for the record..I would hardly call me taking a long time to meet people I am on the fence about from dating sites "self destructive"...self destructive would be doing things like taking drugs, abusing alcohol, cutting myself, starving myself and things like that. ..thankfully I dont do any of those things.

 

It might be different if I was referring to men that seemed really nice but was holding back on meeting them but can you honestly say that I have described anybody on here so far that seemed overly nice so far that you felt it was ashame that i never met them??? I assure you that the really nice people I have been in contact with I met so far!! and I will always be more willing to meet the nicer ones first..I am just not going to run out to meet people i am unsure about ...I would define that as "self destructive"..a woman can never be too careful about who they meet online or anywhere...In fact, I have a few friends and relatives that actually applaud me for being so careful about who I meet from online. They say it is better to be safe then sorry. Do you realize how many people have met people from online that resulted in violent crimes against them? so I am sorry but I DO NOT agree with your description of me here..in fact, I think it is rather insulting since you really dont know me at all..but I wont take offense since you are only going by posts I make online and dont really know me personally and I realize I am kind of putting myself out to be attacked like that by posting as I do so like I said, I am going to take your post from where it is coming from..a place of ignorance as to who I really am. However, I would like to suggest that if my posts make you sad that maybe you just dont read them anymore then..but thanks all the same..

 

simpleNfit...Thanks so much..yes, I have known him for a little while. we met from online dating and remained friends. He knows that I have this attitude about dating and have no stereotypical issues at all when it comes to who pays and who does not.

 

Taramere..Thanks so much..I LOVE these suggestions! I love the idea of asking him what he would do if he had money etc etc..Great, great advice and I will let you know how he responds ..if he does..lol;) Thanks so much:)

 

 

dispatch3d...Thanks so much!! it is so interesting to read advise from men on this! Thanks for the input.

 

 

Simple Logic...thanks so much for your input as well! actually it seems like he has been struggling financially for as long as I have known him...for about a year but a while back I think he was doing better financially. Thanks for the input ..so interesting to read a different response.

 

barcode88...Thanks so much for this. Yes, I have no problem with going dutch either.

 

Elswyth..Thanks and yes, I agree that to have that be the reason to like me is a bit strange. I guess I would feel better if I knew there were other things he liked about me other then that...but I am unsure if there is..I think that is part of the problem here... thanks

 

 

Thanks everyone:)

 

Well, that changes my feelings on this a bit. I would say that his compliment may very well have been in earnest, but you seem to have doubts about what other reasons he may have to be interested. So, you dated in the past, but it didn't work out. Did he move on or did you decide it wasn't right at the time?

[chumly]

Well, that changes my feelings on this a bit. I would say that his compliment may very well have been in earnest, but you seem to have doubts about what other reasons he may have to be interested. So, you dated in the past, but it didn't work out. Did he move on or did you decide it wasn't right at the time?

 

Hi Simplenfit...we both met and it just went in a friendly direction..but he now seems to be interested in more with me.

Thanks so much Simplefit:)

[Dis]

 

 

Disillusionment373...thanks I realize you are just trying to help but this is not about the same thing but I gave your post a like anyway because I realize that your intentions are to help...however, this is in reference to a person I "did" meet from a dating site a while ago and we remained friends and now he has an interest in dating me.

 

And just for the record..I would hardly call me taking a long time to meet people I am on the fence about from dating sites "self destructive"...self destructive would be doing things like taking drugs, abusing alcohol, cutting myself, starving myself and things like that. ..thankfully I dont do any of those things.

 

It might be different if I was referring to men that seemed really nice but was holding back on meeting them but can you honestly say that I have described anybody on here so far that seemed overly nice so far that you felt it was ashame that i never met them??? I assure you that the really nice people I have been in contact with I met so far!! and I will always be more willing to meet the nicer ones first..I am just not going to run out to meet people i am unsure about ...I would define that as "self destructive"..a woman can never be too careful about who they meet online or anywhere...In fact, I have a few friends and relatives that actually applaud me for being so careful about who I meet from online. They say it is better to be safe then sorry. Do you realize how many people have met people from online that resulted in violent crimes against them? so I am sorry but I DO NOT agree with your description of me here..in fact, I think it is rather insulting since you really dont know me at all..but I wont take offense since you are only going by posts I make online and dont really know me personally and I realize I am kind of putting myself out to be attacked like that by posting as I do so like I said, I am going to take your post from where it is coming from..a place of ignorance as to who I really am. However, I would like to suggest that if my posts make you sad that maybe you just dont read them anymore then..but thanks all the same..

 

 

I'm sorry my post offended you chumly. I know I've been offended by some posters on my threads before...most of the time because they were speaking truths that I didnt want to hear. I dont know you, but I'm familiar with your threads (which are reflections you inner thoughts, dating patterns etc)

 

I dont think the reason why you chose not to meet a lot of these men was out of a place of selectiveness....I think it was out of a place of fear and anxiety. If you were being selective I dont know why you'd chose to date a person thats in a bad place financially

 

Please dont feel like I'm attacking you. I'm just trying to wake you up a little...but I guess only you can do that for yourself

 

Also, I do hope at some point you wont be living with your ex anymore....I think thats contributing to some of your issues with dating

[mightycpa]

It is both a compliment and a warning. Now you're put on notice that your entire future with this guy will be low-cost, no-cost dates for which you'll pay at least half.

 

I can see you in the trailer now, sweating profusely, with a baby on your hip, stirring a huge vat of potter's stew, with the other shirtless little kids running around like animals, screaming and pulling each others' hair, and throwing their toys at each other in that chaotic environment. You know, while your husband is at that dead-end, low-paying job.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Hi Simplenfit...we both met and it just went in a friendly direction..but he now seems to be interested in more with me.

Thanks so much Simplefit:)

 

chumly. You BOTH thought it best to go in a 'friendly direction?' I don't know you, of course, but I must say that the original direction taken is most likely how he instinctly felt about you. How many dates did you go on? I wonder if, after having failed with other ladies, he is coming back to the one person he sees ANY chance of having a romantic relationship with. Ugh, I know, hard to swallow. You did say that you were uncertain as to what other qualities of yourself that he may have a genuine interest in.

 

I personally don't find this guy promising.

[No_Go]

In a certain point my ex told me he's with me because it is cheaper for him to live with me , and I told him I'm with him because I hate dating new men :lmao: I wonder why we failed as a couple

 

Yikes. No, no, no. That's like a woman telling a guy that the reason she's interested in him is that he's socially awkward so she won't have to deal with other women being interested in him! I mean, yes, some guys like girls who go dutch, and some girls like shy guys. But to state that as "the reason I like you"... that's not a great basis for a relationship, not to mention completely crass!