For those of you in longterm committed relationships... a question?

[Hopeful30]

I used to hear people say "on again, off again" partner, and I would always react negatively. In my mind, if people break up all the time, it's because the relationship is too turbulent, and one or both parties saw that they were better off without each other.

 

"On again" in my opinion always meant they couldn't find another partner, or got lonely, or bored. But now that I'm getting older, I'm hearing more and more longterm couples say that they've had rough patches in the road where they took breaks from each other as well.

 

Is this normal? Has my perception that real relationships don't have breakups just an illusion? I've never broken up with someone that I wasn't sure I wanted to break up with.

 

For those of you in committed longterm relationship or marriages, have you had any breakups with your partners? Were these separations beneficial for your relationship?

[surferchic]

I've wondered the same thing. I actually feel like people don't value relationships or sex as much anymore. The on again/off again imo translates as an easy way to see other people ....like constantly without the guilt ..."we weren't together then so...".

 

On the other hand some folks these days opt for open relationshipsource because they know how demanding relationships can be and feel that breaking up and or straying is inevitable. So why not just be realistic about, is it guess their mindset.

 

It may be a bit unrealistic though to think that in long term relationships that there will never be at least one break up , explicit or implied.

[Gaeta]

In my 15 year long marriage I left him 3 times for physical-emotional abuse. I came back not long after to 'work' on our marriage after he had made promises, etc. The 4th time I left I didn't come back.

 

No, I don't believe in those 'on and off again relationship'. When you come back all you do is push later down the road what you should be doing right now ,which is 'move on'.

 

If I were victim of abuse again I would break up and never come back. I know now if I have ground for breaking a relationship than it does not have what it takes to glue it back together.

 

Some may say people don't value relationships like in the past, I say it's not about valuing my relationships, it's about valuing myself. People don't want to break up, when they do it's after trying many times and failed many times. No one breaks up just for the fun of it.

[Els]

I suppose it depends on how long the "breakup" is. I think most very long-term Rs (5 years and above) would have had a couple of bad arguments that might have resulted in them not talking for a day or two. But to actively "break up" and date other people for a significant period of time, especially repeatedly... no I can't say it's normal. The SO and I have been together for many years and we've never done that. Nor have any of the long-tern couples that I know of, to the best of my knowledge.

[d0nnivain]

Rough patches are normal. Nobody lives in perfect harmony all the time.

 

 

Thinking back over my LTRs & my marriage, I can't say that I have ever "taken a break."

 

 

One relationship we broke up & got back together a few months later but that reconciliation only lasted about one month. We realized the relationship had been further broken to the point of being irreparable by the time apart.

 

 

The guy I lived with for 10 years . . . I'd have a lot of weekends away. Not smothering each other was good for us.

 

 

In my marriage, we had a HUGE fight early on. I was jealous & angry. He didn't understand why. He was away on a business trip; I had gone to visit & we fought. The next morning, I got up & left to drive 4 hours home. He called. I ignored him. The next day we talked. He apologized even though he still didn't understand. We talked about our fears. I did not go see him the next weekend. Trying to fix things over distance didn't help but some time physically apart allowed me to simmer down.

[dichotomy]

While never separating - there have been periods of checking out - emotionally, sexually, etc.. in my long marriage. Seen it in others as well.

 

Outside of marriages I have seen ex's occasionally hook up on and off for short periods of times over several years. Usually just a familiar safe haven for some sexual comfort between other relationships.

[RecentChange]

I have never “taken a break” in any of my relationships.

 

In 15 years – neither my husband nor I have ever left the house angry “needing space” nor not shared the same bed due to a spat (now falling asleep on the couch watching TV, or business trips away are a different story). And we have most certainly never taken “a break”.

 

Some seem to feel that they need to leave a situation to get perspective on it I guess. I have never felt this way, if we have a conflict I want to sort it out – TOGETHER.. I am kinda proud to say that is something we have always been able to do. No matter what the fight is, we can let bygones be bygones and say I love and mean it. There is something about being able to end the day in a warm embrace rather than harboring negative feelings.

 

And the same is true for my brother – married 20 years, no “breaks”, my sister, married 17 years, no “breaks”, my dad and step mom, married 25 years – no “breaks”.

 

The only people I know that have taken breaks – have volatile, unstable relationships – aka drama.

[angel.eyes]

All relationships are going to have rough patches. But you don't take a break, hall pass, or whatever if you're committed to the other person. Instead you work through it with the other person and come out on the other side with a stronger bond and a better understanding of your partner.

 

On-again-off-again tends to mean unstable rollercoaster, often with drama. It breeds insecurity about where you really stand and whether the relationship is viable. Nothing healthy about that kind of dynamic.