MrBojangles Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 Hello all.. I would really love to hear some thoughts on my particular situation from the members here. I've been seeing my GF for almost a year now. We started out in a semi LDR (2 hours apart) for the first 8 months after we started dating, then she and her 2 children moved to be with me about 3 months ago. She gave up her job, her apartment, and took her youngest (15) out of school, in order to move here and live with me. Having her and her children move here to be with me seemed like a great idea at the time, but I've come to realize that I screwed up massively! First of all, the entire financial burden of moving her here, and all of the financial obligations associated with them living here, has fallen on me. She was supposed to seek employment once settled here, and now she's apparently decided that she wants to be a SAHM to her children ages 15 & 19 at my expense. Secondly, she and her children are annoying the hell out of me with their lack of consideration when it comes to how expensive monthly household utility costs are! Thirdly, between my GF and her children, they consume a gallon of milk each day! In the past 4 weeks, I've spent over $800 on household food. My GF is a bit of a germ-a-phobe. She tosses out leftovers in the refrigerator that are more than a day old, so much perfectly good food is tossed into the trashcan and wasted. These are just a few quick examples of things that have pushed me over the edge, but there are many, many more. I have a great career, and do well financially. But, my resentment for her lack of even trying to contribute financially, has grown to a breaking point. I've very politely asked her on many occasions how her job search is going, and all I hear from her are excuses about what jobs she can't do. Several attempts have been made to talk about my concerns and the household finances, but in the end she always becomes defensive or offended. Sometimes I feel like I'm being straight up 'used'. One thing IS for certain, and that is that I no longer want to be in this relationship. I've lost all attraction and feelings towards my GF, and I want to end it. However, I want to do this in the most humane and compassionate way possible. My dilemma at this point, is that I will likely have to pay for moving her and her children back to their old city, and pay for her initial apartment expenses to get them resettled. I would like some feedback from you all here, on whether this sounds like a fair settlement to offer her? I do not hate my GF, nor dislike her children, in fact it pains me that it has even reached this point. But I did not enter into this relationship to financially support this woman or her children. Am I being an ass for feeling this way?
SoulCat Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 I think your feelings and concerns are very valid. The fact that she's not even trying to find a job would be a huge issue for me. A 15 year old and a 19 year old do not need a stay at home mum, so there's no excuse for her not to find employment to help finance her kids and your combined household. Personally I don't think you owe her the cost of moving and first month rent on an apartment. As an adult grown woman that should be her responsibility. Also, you two haven't been in a relationship all that long and she's been living off your dime for the past 3 months. But it's a nice gesture on your part if you offer her this. And no, you are not being an ass. 8
Author MrBojangles Posted February 5, 2017 Author Posted February 5, 2017 A 15 year old and a 19 year old do not need a stay at home mum, so there's no excuse for her not to find employment to help finance her kids and your combined household. Thank you SoulCat. I totally agree with your quoted statement above, and it really bothered me when she actually told me that recently. Her children spend 95% of their free time in their bedrooms playing video games... and my GF spends all day on Facebook or YouTube while I'm at work. 1
WomenWubber Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 I don't know the laws in your country. What I would do is to try to remove them legally, serving them with a proper eviction notice. Ask them to leave within a period of 30 days. If they don't leave by then, then you can kick them out as trespassers. 1
Author MrBojangles Posted February 5, 2017 Author Posted February 5, 2017 I don't know the laws in your country. What I would do is to try to remove them legally, serving them with a proper eviction notice. Ask them to leave within a period of 30 days. If they don't leave by then, then you can kick them out as trespassers. Thank you. We are in the U.S., and the State we live in, can be quite difficult and lengthy to legally evict someone. But if it becomes necessary, I will proceed through the proper legal channels.
Art_Critic Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 School is over in a few months, show enough compassion to the children to not uproot them from their school in this manner. It seems to me that you were not mature enough to be involved in a blended type family, all is good on that.. not everyone is cut out to be a step parent role and that is kinda what you have become since you all live together. Speak with your GF, don't be insulting towards her and show her and her children some compassion. And yes you should pay to have her move back unless she wants to stay in the same town.. you are the one wanting out so it falls on your shoulders to not make life miserable for her just because you are upset about paying for Milk and Groceries... Breakups don't have to be as horrible experiences if both parties are mature responsible adults... You also might find out after you speak to her that you want to renew things.. who knows.. Good Luck 1
SoulCat Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 School is over in a few months, show enough compassion to the children to not uproot them from their school in this manner. That's ridiculous. OP's got to stay with his GF for another 4-5 months just because of her kids? If she moved in with him 3 months ago they were uprooted from their previous school too. Didn't appear to stop her then. It seems to me that you were not mature enough to be involved in a blended type family, all is good on that.. not everyone is cut out to be a step parent role and that is kinda what you have become since you all live together. I'm not seeing any signs of immaturity in OPs concerns. Rather the opposite. Why should he and he alone have to carry the whole household financially? There's no reason for the girlfriend not to pull her weight. It takes two people to make a relationship work and at this stage, she's not doing her part. If anything, the girlfriend is being immature by expecting the OP to foot the bill for her and her kids lives. And yes you should pay to have her move back unless she wants to stay in the same town.. you are the one wanting out so it falls on your shoulders to not make life miserable for her just because you are upset about paying for Milk and Groceries... He does not owe her a damn thing. They've been together for less than a year, living together for a mere 3 months. He's paid for her and her kids so far. She's certainly not entitled to some sort of 'break-up bonus'. She's an adult woman, she ought to be taking care of her own financial responsibilities. Sure, break-ups happen and they aren't pleasant. But when the relationship is over, so are his responsibilities to her. She'll need to put her big girl pants on and get a job to support herself and her kids. You know, like adults generally do. 13
Art_Critic Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 That's ridiculous. OP's got to stay with his GF for another 4-5 months just because of her kids? If she moved in with him 3 months ago they were uprooted from their previous school too. Didn't appear to stop her then. I'm not seeing any signs of immaturity in OPs concerns. Rather the opposite. Why should he and he alone have to carry the whole household financially? There's no reason for the girlfriend not to pull her weight. It takes two people to make a relationship work at at this stage, she's not doing her part. If anything, the girlfriend is being immature by expecting the OP to foot the bill for her and her kids lives. He does not owe her a damn thing. They've been together for less than a year, living together for a mere 3 months. He's paid for her and her kids so far. She's certainly not entitled to some sort of 'break-up bonus'. She's an adult woman, she ought to be taking care of her own financial responsibilities. Sure, break-ups happen and they aren't pleasant. But when the relationship is over, so are his responsibilities to her. She'll need to put her big girl pants on and get a job to support herself and her kids. You know, like adults generally do. Well, you have your opinion and I have mine I happened to be a parent and have had many relationships/marriages under my belt so I'm coming from a more mature compassionate side.. sorry you aren't
Author MrBojangles Posted February 5, 2017 Author Posted February 5, 2017 (edited) School is over in a few months, show enough compassion to the children to not uproot them from their school in this manner. It seems to me that you were not mature enough to be involved in a blended type family, all is good on that.. not everyone is cut out to be a step parent role and that is kinda what you have become since you all live together. Speak with your GF, don't be insulting towards her and show her and her children some compassion. And yes you should pay to have her move back unless she wants to stay in the same town.. you are the one wanting out so it falls on your shoulders to not make life miserable for her just because you are upset about paying for Milk and Groceries... Breakups don't have to be as horrible experiences if both parties are mature responsible adults... You also might find out after you speak to her that you want to renew things.. who knows.. Good LuckJust for the record, I really like her children, and the move was a huge adjustment for them also. My problem is feeling that my GF and her children, seems to think I'm wealthy, and that they've gone from rags to riches. I did not mind shouldering the finances while they were getting settled in here, but it was never supposed to be permanent. She started looking for jobs before they moved here, and sort of abandoned that process after Christmas. I'm not a cheapskate by any means, and if she would contribute just a modest bit financially, even building her savings, it would help. For example, her vehicle broke down a few weeks ago, she did not have the resources to get it towed, nor repaired. The entire expense of towing and having it repair fell completely on me. I have also been paying her auto insurance and her fuel expenses. It's reached the point, that I'm often left wondering what and where the next unexpected expense will be? I complete agree with you that breakups do not have to be horrible experiences. This is why I'm considering some compassionate ways of handling this. Despite my level of frustration, I do not want this to be cruel or hurtful. Thank you for you input Art! Edited February 5, 2017 by MrBojangles 1
d0nnivain Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 What a mess. I can't understand how two grown adults one with kids thought it would be a good idea to uproot the kids & go live with somebody you have known for less than 1 year. That was your 1st mistake. Your second was failing to understand that your living expenses would triple when 3 people moved into your house. Your third was not having meaningful discussions about expectations especially about financial responsibly before opening your own. You can't very well kick her out on a few days notice. I think it speaks well to your character that you are willing to foot the bill for her to relocate again. It may be a small price to pay to get rid of her. If there is any hope to save this relationship talk to her about how you feel. Show her the grocery bills & tell her you expect financial contribution from her. If she is unwilling to do anything but remain a leech, by all means ask her to move. Basic landlord tenant laws do not govern living together. They deal with arms length transactions not domestic situations. For the sake of the teenagers be generous on the time line but you don't have to be overly self sacrificing. 2
Simple Logic Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 Hello all.. I would really love to hear some thoughts on my particular situation from the members here. I've been seeing my GF for almost a year now. We started out in a semi LDR (2 hours apart) for the first 8 months after we started dating, then she and her 2 children moved to be with me about 3 months ago. She gave up her job, her apartment, and took her youngest (15) out of school, in order to move here and live with me. Having her and her children move here to be with me seemed like a great idea at the time, but I've come to realize that I screwed up massively! First of all, the entire financial burden of moving her here, and all of the financial obligations associated with them living here, has fallen on me. She was supposed to seek employment once settled here, and now she's apparently decided that she wants to be a SAHM to her children ages 15 & 19 at my expense. Secondly, she and her children are annoying the hell out of me with their lack of consideration when it comes to how expensive monthly household utility costs are! Thirdly, between my GF and her children, they consume a gallon of milk each day! In the past 4 weeks, I've spent over $800 on household food. My GF is a bit of a germ-a-phobe. She tosses out leftovers in the refrigerator that are more than a day old, so much perfectly good food is tossed into the trashcan and wasted. These are just a few quick examples of things that have pushed me over the edge, but there are many, many more. I have a great career, and do well financially. But, my resentment for her lack of even trying to contribute financially, has grown to a breaking point. I've very politely asked her on many occasions how her job search is going, and all I hear from her are excuses about what jobs she can't do. Several attempts have been made to talk about my concerns and the household finances, but in the end she always becomes defensive or offended. Sometimes I feel like I'm being straight up 'used'. One thing IS for certain, and that is that I no longer want to be in this relationship. I've lost all attraction and feelings towards my GF, and I want to end it. However, I want to do this in the most humane and compassionate way possible. My dilemma at this point, is that I will likely have to pay for moving her and her children back to their old city, and pay for her initial apartment expenses to get them resettled. I would like some feedback from you all here, on whether this sounds like a fair settlement to offer her? I do not hate my GF, nor dislike her children, in fact it pains me that it has even reached this point. But I did not enter into this relationship to financially support this woman or her children. Am I being an ass for feeling this way? Basically you and your soon to be Ex were not on the same page with the co-habitation. You said "come here and move in with me" she heard "move here and let me take care of you". The reality is you are going to have to put up some money unless you are good with just kicking her to the curb. I would give ger enough for 2 months rent, utilities, groceries and gasoline. I would also take steps to make sure she hasn't and can't use you identity info for credit cards. 4
Author MrBojangles Posted February 5, 2017 Author Posted February 5, 2017 What a mess. I can't understand how two grown adults one with kids thought it would be a good idea to uproot the kids & go live with somebody you have known for less than 1 year. Thank you Donni.. I agree with about everything you've posted here. I will definitely NOT just kick them out without giving her some time, and offering to assist financially to get resettled. TBH, I feel bummed over the way things have turned out, and also feeling guilty because she did give up her life to move here with me. I did realize the added expense of the three of them moving in with me, but I was counting on her also contributing financially as well. No doubt we probably moved a bit to soon with cohabitation, but with the distance between us, we both felt it was worth the chance... Now that is biting me in the rear.... 2
Author MrBojangles Posted February 5, 2017 Author Posted February 5, 2017 Basically you and your soon to be Ex were not on the same page with the co-habitation. You said "come here and move in with me" she heard "move here and let me take care of you". The reality is you are going to have to put up some money unless you are good with just kicking her to the curb. I would give ger enough for 2 months rent, utilities, groceries and gasoline. I would also take steps to make sure she hasn't and can't use you identity info for credit cards. Thanks SL.. This is exactly what I'm planning to offer. I would like to make her re-transition a bit less painless. Her previous employer would love to have her back also, from what she has previously told me. 2
preraph Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 You are being used. Not to say she may not like you, but she does not respect you to treat you this way. Her germaphobe crap alone would make me kick her out. Give her a month or whatever. I'm sure she has parents somewhere. 6
aileD Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 I would be pissed if I moved away, took my kids out of school and all that for someone who would dump me three months later. I think your offer is fair. I feel bad for her Children
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 Instead of going straight to break up, why not just discuss how you're feeling. Give her the choice... to maintain her end of the bargain by getting a job, or the relationship ends. Put the choice on her. Tell her you are happy to make a life with her if she contributes, but you're not prepared to support her being a SAHM on your dime. If she chooses to stay at home, then she's goi go to have to find some other way to fund that. Offer her the money you were going to and call it a day. 3
lucy_in_disguise Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 3 months isn't really that long to look for a job. Did you discuss expectations for a timeline before she moved in? She uprooted her and her kids' lives to be with you. Obviously that wasn't a great decision, but I do think the compassionate thing would be to give her some notice and financial compensation for the fact that you basically changed your mind after 3 months. 1
Author MrBojangles Posted February 5, 2017 Author Posted February 5, 2017 Instead of going straight to break up, why not just discuss how you're feeling. Give her the choice... to maintain her end of the bargain by getting a job, or the relationship ends. Put the choice on her. Tell her you are happy to make a life with her if she contributes, but you're not prepared to support her being a SAHM on your dime. If she chooses to stay at home, then she's goi go to have to find some other way to fund that. Offer her the money you were going to and call it a day. Thanks JHIR.. Whenever I've tried to have that discussion with her, it usually ends with her referring to herself as a "f*** up", and then she shuts down. But since I posted this thread earlier, I've decided to have one more very frank discussion with her to see if we can work this out. I do not want to leave the impression that I'm so obsessed with the financial aspects of our relationship, that I'm not open to working this out between her and I. The plan is to have her children go spend the weekend with their older sister, as they've been wanting to do, and then we can have a serious conversation in private. We hope to do this next by next weekend.
BoughtAtAPrice Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 I think you are totally within your rights to ask her to contribute - especially as the kids arent even yours. Also - one of those kids is old enough to find their own damn job and contribute as well!! 5
anduina Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 I can't understand how two grown adults one with kids thought it would be a good idea to uproot the kids & go live with somebody you have known for less than 1 year. That's not a fair assessment. He's childless and would have no understanding of what it takes to raise children. She's the mother of these children and was being selfish by uprooting her children to make herself happy. She took one out of school to move. They don't share equal responsibility in this equation. Something that he should have learned from this incident is that any parent who would willingly uproot their children for such a short duration relationship, is likely selfish. That selfishness continues with her lack of job hunting and allowing him to shoulder the financial burden of her family. There's no pleasant way to break up. Since she has children, please cushion her fall if you have the means to do so. 3
Popsicle Posted February 6, 2017 Posted February 6, 2017 It was completely irresponsible for her as a mother to uproot her children to move away and be with a man she's not even married to, so that should tell you where her head is. A mother has to have sense. Any fall out that happens is entirely on her. 5
gaius Posted February 6, 2017 Posted February 6, 2017 Thanks JHIR.. Whenever I've tried to have that discussion with her, it usually ends with her referring to herself as a "f*** up", and then she shuts down. But since I posted this thread earlier, I've decided to have one more very frank discussion with her to see if we can work this out. I do not want to leave the impression that I'm so obsessed with the financial aspects of our relationship, that I'm not open to working this out between her and I. The plan is to have her children go spend the weekend with their older sister, as they've been wanting to do, and then we can have a serious conversation in private. We hope to do this next by next weekend. Don't let her manipulate you next time you talk. Her talking about what a f up she is, manipulation. Her shutting down, manipulation. She's trying to change the course of the discussion into you feeling sorry for her. For the decisions and choices she's making everyday. Which she's been successful at doing so far it seems. Just in a strong and not angry way tell her what you told us, that you love her but this situation is causing you to not want to be in the relationship anymore. And don't let her sway you or get you reassuring her instead of delivering the message you need to. 6
Tribble Posted February 6, 2017 Posted February 6, 2017 3 months isn't really that long to look for a job. Did you discuss expectations for a timeline before she moved in? She uprooted her and her kids' lives to be with you. Obviously that wasn't a great decision, but I do think the compassionate thing would be to give her some notice and financial compensation for the fact that you basically changed your mind after 3 months. This isn't really the situation though is it? If she was actively looking for a job, of course she'd deserve more time. But she's decided to be a SAHM, without discussing this with the OP. Without discussion, he is expected to shoulder all expenses for himself, his gf and 2 children that aren't his. No wonder he's feeling resentful. It isn't the money, it's the principle and her expectation of a free ride. It is a bit difficult because OP hasn't really said what conversations went on prior to the move. But I wouldn't say he changed his mind, rather she did. She said she'd get work and now she isn't bothering. She must think she has it made. 4
stillafool Posted February 6, 2017 Posted February 6, 2017 Thanks JHIR.. Whenever I've tried to have that discussion with her, it usually ends with her referring to herself as a "f*** up", and then she shuts down. But since I posted this thread earlier, I've decided to have one more very frank discussion with her to see if we can work this out. I do not want to leave the impression that I'm so obsessed with the financial aspects of our relationship, that I'm not open to working this out between her and I. The plan is to have her children go spend the weekend with their older sister, as they've been wanting to do, and then we can have a serious conversation in private. We hope to do this next by next weekend. I thought you were no longer attracted to her? I would let them all go home at whatever cost because it is going to end up costing you a lot more in the long run. I can't believe a woman would move in with someone with 2 kids and THEN decide she wants to be a SAHM. Those kids aren't yours. BTW, can the father of those kids contribute to bringing them back home? 4
springy Posted February 6, 2017 Posted February 6, 2017 First of all, the entire financial burden of moving her here, and all of the financial obligations associated with them living here, has fallen on me. She was supposed to seek employment once settled here, and now she's apparently decided that she wants to be a SAHM to her children ages 15 & 19 at my expense. Sometimes I feel like I'm being straight up 'used'. One thing IS for certain, and that is that I no longer want to be in this relationship. I've lost all attraction and feelings towards my GF, and I want to end it. However, I want to do this in the most humane and compassionate way possible. SAHM for a 15 and 19 year old? Seriously?! You have moved a leech into your home. I would do whatever I needed within reason, to get her out. Yes, the whole thing was a bad idea - you didn't really know her all that well 8 months in and completely long distance...but as a mother there is absolutely no way I would uproot my child(ren) at such an early point in the relationship, then get there and not think twice about letting my s/o foot the bill for me and my grown a** kids. And please don't fall for the woe is me, I'm such a loser routine. I know you feel awful about how things turned out but I think you are being more than reasonable with offering to finance her way back home. Talk to her about job hunting if you want, but at this point I would be completely turned off by this behavior. She got moved in and completely flipped the script on you -_- 6
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