AmonAmarth Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 New to the community here. I recently started dating this girl September of 2016 (previous to that I was in a not good two-year relationship; thank god that ended). We instantly clicked with each other, had many things in common, and shared same beliefs and values. Our families both really liked each other too (she is best friends with her mom & dad and we all got along great). The next few months were great. We came our family's holiday dinners, did fun activities together and also went on a weekend vacation to a ski resort this past weekend. There were zero signs of this relationship ending and many signs of this relationship flourishing. Everything was there in the relationship (yes, including sex). We are both independent so we both gave each other the space we needed - it was very healthy. The other day I get dumped out of nowhere. The reason being is "the spark isn't there like when we first started dating," and "I don't see a future." She said this has only happened over the past couple weeks. It completely blindsided me. I was the first guy to make her feel truly special; her past with men wasn't good. They used her, lied to her, and played her. What did I do wrong? I always treated her where we went Always held the door open for her. I complimented her (not too often; made her feel super special (and she has told me that before). I even had flowers delivered to her when she was having a rough week at work! I really thought she could have been the one. I am 25 and she is 22. Of course sparks can disappear then reappear in relationships. Was her reason immature or is she hiding something from me? Will she appreciate me more now that she doesn't have me? I am so confused and I have no closure.
d0nnivain Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 You didn't do anything wrong. It was just one of those things. 22 year old women change their minds. They want what's new, shiny & exciting. She enjoyed her time with you but she wants what's next. It's not about you. It's about her being 22 & not wanting to settle down. Don't beat yourself up. 4
Author AmonAmarth Posted February 5, 2017 Author Posted February 5, 2017 So this was just a "phase" for her? She even told me when she dumped me that I did "nothing wrong." Usually I would feel that's BS and she's not telling me something, but I believe I actually didn't do anything wrong. She said it was more on her and she doesn't know what she wants in life.
Author AmonAmarth Posted February 5, 2017 Author Posted February 5, 2017 You didn't do anything wrong. It was just one of those things. 22 year old women change their minds. They want what's new, shiny & exciting. She enjoyed her time with you but she wants what's next. It's not about you. It's about her being 22 & not wanting to settle down. Don't beat yourself up. So this was just a "phase" for her? She even told me when she dumped me that I did "nothing wrong." Usually I would feel that's BS and she's not telling me something, but I believe I actually didn't do anything wrong. She said it was more on her and she doesn't know what she wants in life.
d0nnivain Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 I'm not sure phase is the right word. I'm sure she enjoyed the time you spent together but now she's moved on. It happens. Doesn't make it hurt any less but hopefully it will enable you not to blame yourself. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 Why are you assuming you did something wrong? You sound lovely. She might be the type to get bored after the initial honeymoon-phase lust wanes. She might be fickle and not ready to really commit. Maybe someone from her past has resurfaced and there's unsolved business there. I know you are very confused and disappointed and it's so hard not to take it personally. However, based on what you wrote, this break-up really wasn't about you. It's on her. 4
Author AmonAmarth Posted February 5, 2017 Author Posted February 5, 2017 Why are you assuming you did something wrong? You sound lovely. She might be the type to get bored after the initial honeymoon-phase lust wanes. She might be fickle and not ready to really commit. Maybe someone from her past has resurfaced and there's unsolved business there. I know you are very confused and disappointed and it's so hard not to take it personally. However, based on what you wrote, this break-up really wasn't about you. It's on her. Thank you - I needed that. I asked if there was anyone else and she said no. She is not the type of person to go behind someone's back. Still really confusing...
ExpatInItaly Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 Thank you - I needed that. I asked if there was anyone else and she said no. She is not the type of person to go behind someone's back. Still really confusing... I don't mean that she cheated. I mean that sometimes an ex might get in touch and it stirs up old feelings, throwing us off-balance. Of course, this may not be the case here at all. It's all pure speculation. I just wanted to clarify what I meant. In any event, try as hard as you can not to jump to the conclusion that you weren't enough.
Heartbrokenandhurt Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 Something very very similar has happened recently to me. (Except im a girl) Short relationship, met the family and went out for meals with them etc, got on well (so I thought). What I have learnt is that you can't change it if thats how they feel. It really does suck. But whats helped me, although im really not over it yet... is that im not alone. This sort of breakup seems to be more common than I thought. After my last conversation with him, where it was clear to me he had no regrets... I deleted his number and unfriended him on facebook. It has made it easier knowing I won't see his status updates and the only way we will be in touch again is if he contacts me. Sorry you're hurting right now, I totally understand how you feel.
bakerjd1993 Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 Going through the same thing man, shes 22 too. I think just move on, because its like, the answers you want are going to have to come from YOU, no one else. Its an internal thing, shes young, so young. This isnt the 50's. It's 2017, and i feel like times have changed and girls have become more fickle. But you know, its life man.
GeorgeWP93 Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 Same boat but with a 27 year old, I guess she wants time to herself, she likes being alone and not have the pressure of a relationship, not that I ever put pressure on her to see me, not do stuff or anything like that. Once the initial fun wears off for these people they aren't ready to put in the effort to step up to the next level. Within a week I went from giving her goosebumps touching her arm and seeing that giddy look in her eye to single. Worst thing is you cannot do anything about it, like me you hope that she will realise what she's missing, maybe she will but by that point you will have moved on, they make their decision long before you find out, somehow. Life goes on but I'm tearing my hair out that I met someone I had or the potential with and now it's gone, and I want to understand why. She even liked and unliked an instagram post last night after 1 week no contact, I don't follow her, she follows me, and we've both deleted most of the pictures of us. It sucks. It takes me so long to find someone I actually like.
preraph Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 You didn't do anything wrong. She was excited in the beginning and then lost interest. She is looking for something else, realize you weren't it for her. Doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. You will do just fine with the ladies. She just realize she wasn't the one for you before you did. She saved you from wasting more time on her.
SevenCity Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 Same boat but with a 27 year old, I guess she wants time to herself, she likes being alone and not have the pressure of a relationship, not that I ever put pressure on her to see me, not do stuff or anything like that. Once the initial fun wears off for these people they aren't ready to put in the effort to step up to the next level. Within a week I went from giving her goosebumps touching her arm and seeing that giddy look in her eye to single. Worst thing is you cannot do anything about it, like me you hope that she will realise what she's missing, maybe she will but by that point you will have moved on, they make their decision long before you find out, somehow. Life goes on but I'm tearing my hair out that I met someone I had or the potential with and now it's gone, and I want to understand why. She even liked and unliked an instagram post last night after 1 week no contact, I don't follow her, she follows me, and we've both deleted most of the pictures of us. It sucks. It takes me so long to find someone I actually like. It does. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do. The time between finding that someone special you click with can be a while. How often do you find a new best friend? The good news is you are young and there are tons of available women from which to choose.
Sweetfish Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 New to the community here. I recently started dating this girl September of 2016 (previous to that I was in a not good two-year relationship; thank god that ended). We instantly clicked with each other, had many things in common, and shared same beliefs and values. Our families both really liked each other too (she is best friends with her mom & dad and we all got along great). The next few months were great. We came our family's holiday dinners, did fun activities together and also went on a weekend vacation to a ski resort this past weekend. There were zero signs of this relationship ending and many signs of this relationship flourishing. Everything was there in the relationship (yes, including sex). We are both independent so we both gave each other the space we needed - it was very healthy. The other day I get dumped out of nowhere. The reason being is "the spark isn't there like when we first started dating," and "I don't see a future." She said this has only happened over the past couple weeks. It completely blindsided me. I was the first guy to make her feel truly special; her past with men wasn't good. They used her, lied to her, and played her. What did I do wrong? I always treated her where we went Always held the door open for her. I complimented her (not too often; made her feel super special (and she has told me that before). I even had flowers delivered to her when she was having a rough week at work! I really thought she could have been the one. I am 25 and she is 22. Of course sparks can disappear then reappear in relationships. Was her reason immature or is she hiding something from me? Will she appreciate me more now that she doesn't have me? I am so confused and I have no closure. I want to explain to you what that means in a nut shell. She beat the game. The movie is over :The End You've been conquered Collect your prize and exit stage right. There are men and women that believe a sense of continuous approval seeking to their S.O. is the spark. They believe that is what love is. Not knowing if your cheating, having many friends that are girls, money and position of power even if your just the guy that makes everyone laugh means in the back of their mind they must continuously fight for approval. The extreme version or spectrum to this is when a woman or male is infatuated with their abuser. To protect your self... just understand love should be gradual and not love at first sight. People will disagree... well let them disagree. But with the amount of crazies and unstable people that is starting to come to light, it may be in your best interest. 2
BC1980 Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 It's almost never one thing you did wrong. If you can't point to something obvious like cheating, you didn't do anything wrong. It simply wasn't a match. A lot of relationships fizzle out in the first several months. That is common. You were together 6 months. That window is generally when people are deciding if they want to commit any further. Sometimes, you like being with a person but aren't in love and don't necessarily want to commit to anything serious. We don't control falling in love with someone. That just happens, and it didn't happen this time. A lot of dating and falling in love is pure luck. 1
lana-banana Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 (edited) [] OP, I am sorry this happened to you. Please don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why she did it. You will probably never know for sure. (I wouldn't put a lot of stock in what she said, as almost no one is fully honest when they break up.) But it doesn't even matter. She decided she didn't want to be with you anymore, which is all the reason you need. Why would you want to be with someone who thinks they'd be happier without you? No one is obligated to stay in a relationship that makes them unhappy. There is no prize for the longest relationship. It is perfectly okay to look at someone you care about and say "this isn't right for me anymore". That's what self-determination is all about! Every partner has a right to end a relationship that is no longer working for them. You have probably done it to women before; if you haven't, you certainly will in the future. Knowing how to end things that are no longer good for you (jobs, relationships, friendships) is a fundamental part of being a mature adult. And furthermore, because this really deserves attention, she is 22 years old. 22! Why are you shocked that a girl with almost no real world experience wants to explore things and discover herself independently? She has no idea who she is at this point and will do a lot of growing before she's ready to settle down. This isn't about sex, this isn't about online dating, this isn't even about you. It's about personal choices. You are entitled to yours just as she is entitled to hers. I am sorry you didn't work out, but the right woman for you will stick by your side no matter what. Don't waste time on the ones who choose to let you go. Edited February 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator off topic ~6 3
Robert Posted February 6, 2017 Posted February 6, 2017 (edited) Folks, please stop the man vs woman debate and make certain your posts are topical and helpful to the threadstarter. We've moved 13 posts to this discussion: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/396907-consolidated-discussion-dating-relationships-my-gender-has-much-harder-time Thank you, ~6 Edited February 6, 2017 by Robert moved posts ~6
mightycpa Posted February 6, 2017 Posted February 6, 2017 It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. Did she tell you that you did something wrong? Did you get the sense she thought you did something wrong? Or are you lost because "I'm not feeling it" can't be the simple explanation she says it is? I'll tell you what happened. On that trip, she saw something in you. Maybe it reminded her of a boyfriend, or her dad, or somebody else she knows. There is something in her life that she doesn't like, and while you may not have done that thing, she saw that potential in you and it horrified her. She dumped you right after you got back. Let me give you a couple of examples. Her dad is an alcoholic and she saw you get tipsy. Her mother is abusive and she saw you speak sternly at a store clerk. He ex-boyfriend was parsimonious and she saw you chase after a penny on the parking lot. Her uncle was killed in a car accident and she saw you drive aggressively. It could be anything. Once she saw that, it was OVER. There is nothing in this world that could change her mind about you. It may not be fair, but it was a dealbreaker in her mind. Now she can't see you as being any other way. The reason she didn't say anything to you about it is because she knows it's unfair of her to tag you like that. She understands that you didn't actually do anything as egregious as the behavior that she hates. But deep down inside, she can't help but know that you are whatever that thing is. She wants nothing to do with you. I'll bet she disappeared, right? Like long gone? I hate to be the one to tell you, but she will not miss you or think that she misjudged you. She's done. You'll probably never hear from her again. All you have to do now is accept it.
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