Northwoods Posted July 22, 2005 Posted July 22, 2005 OK - I admit that I screwed this up big time. I'm happily married, just disappointed that I don't feel "wanted" by my wife. End result - I felt desired by another woman and she is now pregnant. The mistress has told me to make a choice - give her 100% or nothing at all. In other words, tell my wife, divorce and be with her and the child... or walk away from her and child and never look back. She says she'll never contact me for anything (not even financial support) and I should never, ever contact her for anything. I feel that I absolutely have to tell my wife about the affair, but I just don't know how to break the news about the baby on the way. I'm terrified because I'll lose everything by having my wife leave..... 30 years of my life erased and I will lose my absolute best friend. It'll just devistate my family, her family and likely effect my career. I will have nothing but my mistress and our future child, if our relationship can withstand a beginning made on such stress and circumstances. As a twist to this - if I tell my wife and she doesn't leave and we work this out, the mistress told me that she will pack up and leave... I'll never hear from her or child ever again because she does not want the baby growing up in a 'broken family'. Personally - I believe that a broken family is inevitable... I will lose my wife, ruin my relationship with friends and family because of this affair and the relationship with the mistress won't last because we're simply not compatible for this kind of long term commitment. My mistress and I do have feelings for each other, and she strongly wants me to be there for her and our baby (just not if I can't be there 100%). I don't want to miss out on my own child's life, but I also don't want to lose everything I've worked so hard to build. She will not allow "partial custody" and let this kid grow up a weekend at her place, a weekend at my place, two mommies, etc. Basically - I absolutely must choose which family I want to be with. One that I have spent 30 years building or one that became because I was irresponsible. There is the added scare that IF I walk, what happens if she does come back and wants support or something from me later. Somehow, some way, some day, my wife very well could find out and that's why I feel I must tell her about the affair. I suppose I could tell the mistress that I did talk to my wife (but don't), then let her walk out on me so that the kid isn't in a broken family like she wants... but how can you walk away from your own child forever. (And she STILL could come back later). OMG - What to do??
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 22, 2005 Posted July 22, 2005 It is unfortunate that your mistress is using your child as a bargaining chip in an ultimatum to get what she wants. It burns me up to see people use children in such a disgusting and selfish way. You will need to understand that your relationship with your OW is now over, for all intents and purposes. She has dragged out the kiss of death for your relationship: the 'ultimatum'. You will need to end the relationship with your mistress, and tell you wife what is going on. Your OW has you by the short hairs right now. If you call the OW's bluff and choose to let the OW go and try to sweep it under the rug, she is going to take revenge and tell your W anyway. It would be better for your W to hear it from you - and best if you can tell her in a controlled environment with an objective third party mediating, such as in marriage counseling. Your wife needs to be a part of this now, particularly if your name is on the birth certificate. She will not allow "partial custody" and let this kid grow up a weekend at her place, a weekend at my place, two mommies, etc. She has no say in this. That decision will be up to the courts. If you want to be a part of your child's life, then sue for custody and visitation rights, or just go ahead and sue for full custody if you and your W agree to that. She will have to abide by that decision, whatever that may be.
Author Northwoods Posted July 22, 2005 Author Posted July 22, 2005 You know - up until I saw this post, I have never considered that she had given me an ultimatim. She makes it sound like she's doing me a favor... letting me decide which family I want to be with. Her and our child, or the wife I hoped to spend forever with. I guess I hadn't considered that OW may want revenge and try to come after me later. SHE brought up that she didn't want a broken family for her child and that she would rather I just walk away as if it never happened; swearing that she'll never come after me for emotional, financial, or any other type of support. Is there any way my marriage will live through this?
whichwayisup Posted July 22, 2005 Posted July 22, 2005 DO everything you can to make it up to your wife. Confess ALL and be an open book. Go to marriage councilling together. Read DazednConfused's thread, you may benefit alot from his post, to get inside your wife's head, what she will think and feel, react and what you can expect. I'll find the link for you, but it should be on the 3rd or 4th page of this section, called my wife made a horrible mistake.
whichwayisup Posted July 22, 2005 Posted July 22, 2005 Here's his link to his thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/ It's alot to read, but well worth it. He is the betrayed spouse, his wife cheated. I think this could help you alot, atleast in a sense of what your wife will be going through when you tell her about OW and child. Good luck and keep posting.
Pecan Posted July 22, 2005 Posted July 22, 2005 Originally posted by Northwoods There is the added scare that IF I walk, what happens if she does come back and wants support or something from me later. Somehow, some way, some day, my wife very well could find out and that's why I feel I must tell her about the affair. I suppose I could tell the mistress that I did talk to my wife (but don't), then let her walk out on me so that the kid isn't in a broken family like she wants... but how can you walk away from your own child forever. (And she STILL could come back later). OMG - What to do?? You are right she can come back and say she wants support thats what happen in my husband case. She told him she did not want anything from him but after the baby was born she told him he is going to pay. I'm still trying to decide if I should stay or go we have a child together and I really do want to rise my child with out the father.
lynnspies1 Posted July 22, 2005 Posted July 22, 2005 Just the investigator in me... Are you sure that this is your child?
jmargel Posted July 22, 2005 Posted July 22, 2005 True! First off, make a session with a marriage counselor. Invite your wife. Tell her everything there. I would wait until the second or third session. This is to ensure there is something your wife can fall back on. Second once this is told tell the OW that you want a DNA test. Let the courts decide custody, she can't just pack up and leave you in the dust without having contact with your child. She is using this as a bargaining tool. However you MUST tell your wife. You have a responsibility to do this. Do this in a counselor's office. Even though there is NO excuse for what you did, talking about how you & she are feeling regarding this will help. How long has this affair been going on? Remember to enforce to your wife that this isn't in your personality, this is something that is not like you.
Author Northwoods Posted July 22, 2005 Author Posted July 22, 2005 Originally posted by lynnspies1 Just the investigator in me... Are you sure that this is your child? 99% sure. She origionally told me that she was with her ex-husband 2 wks prior to me, but then changed the story after we found out she was pregnant and said it was nearly 6 weeks earlier that she was with him. I feel confident that conception occured when we were together and I don't believe that she was with anyone else during this time frame. ...I can't be 100% sure, but I'm confident.
lynnspies1 Posted July 22, 2005 Posted July 22, 2005 Just me but I would make 100% sure. My husband was convinced a child was his that was born prior to us dating. We started paying child support and then spent the money to have the DNA test done and it ended up not being his child. It will be much easier for your wife to handle this mess if the child is not yours, However if it is then you should have visitation and you should pay child support.
Debster Posted July 22, 2005 Posted July 22, 2005 I don't understand why people are saying he should tell his wife in a counsellor's office. Shouldn't she have the right to find this out without someone there watching to see how she reacts? You were in a happy marriage with someone you loved who was your best friend. Why did you risk it all? Maybe you should do some self-assessment so that WHEN your wife asks the tough questions you'll be able to give her ANSWERS. I think that if you and your wife will have a chance to make things work, YOU NEED TO DO THE TOUGH WORK. Go for counselling to figure out why you would ruin your world and your wife's, not to mention your families and as you mentioned, your career because someone desired you. When you do confess, admit to your weakness and your issues and show her the steps you have taken to fix things. I think that will help.
SilentLucidity Posted July 22, 2005 Posted July 22, 2005 First off I'm sorry this is happening to you, but it's worth the lesson and so much more to other people to see this thread on what can happen in affairs. I'm not immune to them, I just ended mine. However this girl is using this child like the other person said and if I were you I would surely ask for a paternity test. Don't take her word for it at all. Were you with her when pregnancy was confirmed? If not ask her to go back to the clinic or hell make an appointment for her and you need to be present. Just do not take anyone's word for anything. As for the custody thing, she can't stop you. I would however tell you to tell your wife too. Your Mistress can seem like the grandest toy and best friend you've ever had, but you have heard those words 'nothing like a woman scorned', well this is no exception. Just get your ducks in a row and prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Get proof! Seek legal counsel, and be honest with yourself, your wife, and your mistress.
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2005 Posted July 23, 2005 Originally posted by Northwoods 99% sure. She origionally told me that she was with her ex-husband 2 wks prior to me, but then changed the story after we found out she was pregnant and said it was nearly 6 weeks earlier that she was with him. I feel confident that conception occured when we were together and I don't believe that she was with anyone else during this time frame. ...I can't be 100% sure, but I'm confident. You better be 100% sure. I'm sorry but changing the weeks around to when she had sex with her ex, sounds fishy to me. Get a paternity test. I hope you do, DO NOT take her word for it. She could be lying about the time frame and how far she is along.
kkat Posted July 23, 2005 Posted July 23, 2005 Who do you want to be with - your wife, your significant, pregnant other, or neither?
Author Northwoods Posted July 26, 2005 Author Posted July 26, 2005 Originally posted by kkat Who do you want to be with - your wife, your significant, pregnant other, or neither? Well - I'd rather be with my wife without the sexual relationship than the mistress with the best sexual relationship I could ever ask for. I tried to have my cake and eat it too - I won't lie and I know I need to own up to this. The mistress tried to tell me yesterday that she was concerned and thought maybe an abortion was the right thing to do (generally speaking - I'm not for abortion). She's getting ready to lose her job (due to business decision, not because she isn't doing a good job) - by the time she pays for absolute necesities she will have absolutely nothing to her name. Today she said that she wants to go lease a BMW before her credit goes to hell (she filed for bankruptcy two weeks ago). I'm concerned big time. She's had the worst luck of anyone I've ever known - I just don't know what to think about this. How far off could the first doctor have been at estimating 5 wks - could it have been 6 or 7 by any chance? That would place her closer to being with her husband than me (and she said she'll go have an immediate abortion if its his). She is supposed to have a doc appt Aug 23 that will let her know EXACTLY how far along she is. Is there anyway to know that now without waiting another month? I'm so crazy in this mess that I can't think straight. She's just playing with my future like its a game, sometimes.
Debster Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 Did you make an appointment for counselling so you can delve into why you had an affair? I tried to have my cake and eat it too - I won't lie and I know I need to own up to this. If you intend on trying to fix things with your wife you will need to show her that you are taking steps to fix whatever caused you to have an affair. Just admitting that because you had the affair because you could (which basically the cake comment suggests), is not going to cut it. In fact, it makes it seem as though if the situation appears again, you'll do the same thing. The BMW comment is worrying. It's almost like a big flashing neon sign that she will expect as much child support and $ as she can get from you. Why else would a pregnant single person who declared bankruptcy and recently lost their job sign a lease for a BMW? The answer, she expects to get $. In which case you will need to come clean to your wife. You can't hide child support.
lynnspies1 Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 I am very convinced she is not being truthful to you. As a woman that has had three children I can tell you that technically woman are six weeks pregnant by the time they miss their first period. However it is all a guessing game and the ultrasounds and other tests they do are all just estimates. The only way to know for sure is to have the DNA test when the child is born. Is she really pregnant? Have you seen any paperwork that would show you for sure? If she is and decides to have the baby then you have to wait for the DNA test and that will cost you about $700.00. In my case it was the best $700.00 I ever spent. Lynn
Author Northwoods Posted July 26, 2005 Author Posted July 26, 2005 I made an appointment next Tues to meet with a marriage counselor, but no I have not informed my wife of all this. ...yet. I will tell her before we go to the counselor so that she's not on the spot and forced to deal with this in front of a stranger, and will show her that I fully intend to make right on our vows. That is, of course, if she doesn't just hit the door. This site has truely made me second guess the OW. My emotions probably clouded my judgement to begin with. I have not completely broken all contact with OW yet since I don't know fully what's happening with the child and I want to be a part of that decision. Every day OW scares me with some wierd new comment that makes me question how we ever got together to begin with. She's... again... telling me I should "walk". I *almost* question if she'll wants me to walk, then have an abortion.
whichwayisup Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 Holy s*** this OW is messing you with big time. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT!!! Tell your wife sooner, not just before you head out the door. (I'm having a deja vu here too, think I said this to you before or somebody else on another thread.) She deserves to know either way. Prolonging it will only make it worse. Even if this OW has an abortion or if the child isn't yours, your wife HAS to know. The OW is capable of messing up your life and telling your wife first. She's unstable and not trustworthy... I'm sure the way she's acting is killling off all your feelings for her... Which is a good thing. I don't envy you and this situation you got yourself into. I do hope that your wife loves you enough to stick around and work through this upcoming rollercoaster ride. Expect the worst, hope for the best.
Author Northwoods Posted July 26, 2005 Author Posted July 26, 2005 Originally posted by lynnspies1 I am very convinced she is not being truthful to you. As a woman that has had three children I can tell you that technically woman are six weeks pregnant by the time they miss their first period. However it is all a guessing game and the ultrasounds and other tests they do are all just estimates. The only way to know for sure is to have the DNA test when the child is born. Is she really pregnant? Have you seen any paperwork that would show you for sure? If she is and decides to have the baby then you have to wait for the DNA test and that will cost you about $700.00. In my case it was the best $700.00 I ever spent. Lynn 6 weeks at the time of the first period! That puts her RIGHT on with being with her husband. Timeline - we were together around June 15/16. She said she was with him 2 wks previous, then up to 6 wks previous. Had a missed / very light period in June and questioned if she was pregnant, but took test and determined she wasn't. Missed period on July 7 and went to the doc 2 wks later, who said she was 5 wks pregnant based on the fact that she missed her July period (2 wks previous). We have BOTH questioned if she is more pregnant than she thinks she is. woman are six weeks pregnant by the time they miss their first period [/Quote] This makes conception 6 wks prior to July 7 - or in late May - or a few weeks prior to us being together. DNA test will definately be ordered.
whichwayisup Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 . DNA test will definately be ordered. Yes! And watch her reaction when you demand this test to be done. Does the EXH know that it could be your kid? If so, how does he feel about this situation?
Author Northwoods Posted July 26, 2005 Author Posted July 26, 2005 woman are six weeks pregnant by the time they miss their first period [/Quote] News Flash I've seen the above quote once or twice before... and I have seen that a couple of her symptoms *shouldn't* occur until she is slightly further along. I sent her a quick e-mail to re-confirm that she had her dates down pat and that she had been with nobody for 6 weeks prior to me. NOW - She was with her husband roughly 4 wks prior to me, she has a journal showing that we were together on June 17 (days after we had origionally thought) and she was with another man (condom only) all of April, May and early June! (What's early June?? June 1-14?) OMG!!! She withheld all this information from me!!! (Need to remember that the doctor did unofficially tell her on July 18 that she was 5 wks along - but I am WAY pissed off that she didn't tell me about the other guy or the correct date on her husband! How do I know if the dates are even correct now??) Abortion? She says if its the husband or other guy's kid - she'll abort immediately. If its mine, she wants me to divorce my wife and help raise the kid. Something sounds wierd and normally I would turn and RUN from this situation, but according to the first doctor... this is most likely mine based on timing alone.
whichwayisup Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 She is seriously f@cked in the head. Don't trust ANYTHING this woman says until you have actual proof in your hands. The fact she would abort if it wasn't yours, but keep it if it was? Hon, that's seriously all messed up. She is not well in the head or is really playing you for a fool.
Author Northwoods Posted July 26, 2005 Author Posted July 26, 2005 Originally posted by whichwayisup Yes! And watch her reaction when you demand this test to be done. Does the EXH know that it could be your kid? If so, how does he feel about this situation? He is out of the loop b/c she is supposed to go to court THIS Monday for alimony hearing and doesn't want it to effect her $$$ situation.
whichwayisup Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 Originally posted by Northwoods He is out of the loop b/c she is supposed to go to court THIS Monday for alimony hearing and doesn't want it to effect her $$$ situation. Well, if it's his kid it WILL affect EVERYTHING. She is playing EVERYBODY in this situation. Scary stuff Northwoods. Keep your doors locked at night, I'm not joking. Hello, fatal attraction and hide the bunny! (I'm not making fun of you, just shedding some humour here. This situation is far from over and it's so unpredicable.
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