Been talking with this girl, but now not sure what's going on...

[Viking]

Just sort of frustrated by this. I started talking to a girl back in early/mid January and we met on Match.com. She's pretty, lives near me (within 20 minutes), is the same religion as me and seemed to be fairly straight forward in what she wanted and was looking for.

 

I messaged her and gave her she messaged me back. In the next message, I gave her my phone number and she gave me hers and said to call her, not text, as she prefers a phone call. So I called her and we talked, only for about 20 minutes, but it was a nice conversation about various topics, nothing in depth.

 

I have also texted with her and she is usually pretty responsive. Anyway, she texted me one night asking if I liked video games and I replied that I did. She said this was a deal breaker for her and wished me good luck in my search. I decided to call her after work so I could explain that I'm not a gamer, but do it socially with friends or my brother and she seemed OK with that is it wasn't a life consuming thing like it was with her last boyfriend (and video games ruined their relationship). We hung up and things were fine.

 

We would have "phone dates" as the initial meet-up was delayed due to an eye infection so I just waited until she was able to meet, but periodically would ask how her eye was. So we were going to meet last week and she got hit by her horse's head and ended up with a little black eye. She even sent me a photo, so it felt like she wanted me to believe her and that she wasn't just stalling or being flaky.

 

We had one more phone call (and all the while texting back and forth) before we met up last Tuesday (4 days ago) and arranged a date for Tuesday at lunch before she went to work. We met for about an hour, but it was still a good date. She and I have quite a bit in common and at the end of the date, she asked me to walk her to her car and she said we should meet up again.

 

Since the date, I feel like I have maybe been too over the top with my expectations from her. I have sent her some texts, but I get sort of short answers back and had arranged to have another phone date with her last night after I got off work and got home. When I got home and called her, she didn't pick up, nor did she text me back last night. I feel as if I maybe have come off as too clingy or desperate for her attention and need to back off some. Maybe give her a day or two without contact to reach out and call her again. During the texts between our actual date and now, we had sort of decided on Tuesday for our next date. She texted me yesterday asking if Wednesday would work instead and I replied we'd figure it out when I called her. But, since she didn't pick up (she did text me saying she'd be "out and about, but I could try to call") I'm left wondering if she's just not interested, or if she was just busy and didn't have time for a lengthy phone call (as the last two phone dates have been over 45 minutes each).

 

Any advice on what I should/shouldn't do in regards to this? I'm sort of stuck with my work schedule being weird, but she was willing to be accommodating to it, even if it meant less than ideal meet up times. I'm not wanting to appear desperate or clingy; I just like the gal and want to get to know her better.

 

To further complicate things, she called me about 40 minutes into my work shift. A coworker said not to call her until tomorrow at least.

[KBob]

She called it off immediately after hearing you don't like video games without asking to clarify? Seems weird to me. She'll have a hard time finding a guy that doesn't like video games to some degree.

 

She sounds flakey to me, I wouldn't put any more effort into it than she is, if I were you. As for your next date, assume plans are off until she confirms. Don't feel obligated to keep that day open.

[preraph]

I understand her fear of gamers. So much comes with that.

 

Anyway,they got past that. She's an active person, obviously, gets kicked by horses and sounds busy in general. Are you a match for her in that way? Obviously, she wants someone who doesn't just sit around and that likes to do activities. You said you had something in common, so I'm hoping that activities are one of those things.

 

I don't think she knows how interested she is in you yet. As long as she's still making dates with you, though, I wouldn't worry too much about it. Dating isn't a marriage proposal. It's just dating to see if you like the person enough to keep dating more or not.

 

Don't text if she hasn't texted back. Once you leave a phone message, don't call back unless she returns your call. If she is interested she will get back with you, but active people don't always live on their smartphones, so it might not be immediately or it might be after she knows if she has a free weekend day or whatever if she's heavily booked. Give it a little time. But wait for her to respond. Then don't waste calls and texts on chitchat, but just set a date to go out again.

[Viking]

Thanks guys, I guess part of my questions comes from her asking if I would want to go out again when I walked her to her car at the end of the date. I figured she'd be more responsive and maybe I just took it as a lack of interest instead of being busy.

 

I called last night, left a message saying call me back when you get a chance and she called me earlier today when I was at work (I still am at work). Some of my co-workers said not to call/contact her back til tomorrow as she's busy tonight and I am not of work til 1600hrs PST.

[dispatch3d]

Uhh I'd be a little worried about the video game thing. That is beyond unreasonable. Look at this excert from google, depending on your age there could be a 97% chance you like video games?

 

Approximately 97 percent of teenagers and 81 percent of Americans between the ages of 18 and 29 play video games, according to a Monday study from the Pew Internet & American Life Project. About 60 percent of adults ages 30 to 49 are gamers.

[Viking]

Well, I called her back as it turns out she left a message asking me to call her back. I called, no answer and left a message. She called me back a little over an hour later and we talked for about 20 something minutes about her day and how she almost got hit by a car.

 

We arranged for another date, and she said she'd look at her calendar to see which day would work and text me later. She offered me dinner on Tuesday or lunch Wednesday so I chose dinner on Tuesday. It felt sort of like a test of sorts to see which I'd choose. Maybe I'm reading too much into the options?

 

Anyway, I'm happy I didn't get told not interested or that I was being clingy or something.

 

As for the video games, it's not a big deal if I play them casually, but her last boyfriend CHOSE video games over spending time with her.

[dumbass2]

Well, the Tuesday evening dinner was definitely the right choice. You want to keep yourself in position for romance. A lunch date definitely is not that, plus there are usually time constraints due to work. Just remember going forward to mirror her communication. If she is texting back short relies, keep yours short. If you text her something that requires a reply, don't text again until you here back. Same with the phone calls. You leave a message (like you did) and you wait for her to call. This is how you gauge her interest and don't appear clingy.

[coolheadal]

Just watch your back with her as maybe someone is in her life as well as you. Something odd about this and you know it too in your gut. When a woman is excited to be with your new guy friend she'll do anything she can to communicate with him. This not picking up the phone or let it go directly to voice mail is what most of them do when they don't want to talk to you directly. The time she takes to answer your text unless she was really busy most of the time we all know they're not, they just don't want to text you right back so fast. You need to setup your game and not text or jump around when she contacts you.

 

Need to relax and let her do the contacting you. If she wants you so badly she'll make the first move. Hold out hand and wait for her hand. Your too quick to call and see where you stand with her never do that, just pushes her away even move. Video game question was a double negative so you said yes where you should say no. Because another cat and mouse trick question to see how you would answer it. She had blown you off on that one but you made a good recovery on that being busted for playing video games. Just watch, learn and listen to how she communicates with you and see if her answers match up with what she's telling you. Just play it cool with her, but don't just please her. It's your life too and you know what you from this girl.

[preraph]

She has agreed to go out with you again, so she is willing to get to know you better. Now one piece of advice and it's based on you worrying about her testing you. You are the one who is testing and setting obstacles she must clear. Now you need to stop assuming she's playing games and realize she's a busy person with an active life. You are overthinking everything. These are dates, not a marriage proposal. Her accepting a date isn't her saying she may be three sheets to the wind in love or anything. She's getting to know you. Chill out!!! Stay busy doing other things so you have something to tell her about and so that YOU are not always waiting for her. She will find that more interesting. Go do incredible things that you can tell her about so she'll think, Hey, this guy knows how to have fun.

[smackie9]

Stop worrying so damn much. You only had one date and you both are busy. She has made effort to reach you and set something up...relax, and just go with the flow.

[E3ZY219]

I do not believe that you can assume she is flaky. You guys have only gone on one date, and it is too early to come up with conclusions. The more you think about it, the more irrational thoughts you are going to have. Trust me, this is all about confidence. In terms of texting and calling her, I agree with your co-worker. Try to refrain from always being the one to initiate contact. Don't just give yourself to her; make her work for it like she is doing to you. Do you notice how you are thinking about her, thinking about phone calls, and thinking about your interactions with her? That is something you want to implement so she can reciprocate the same thoughts. The only way you will be able to do this is not give all of yourself, but small bits of yourself. You do not want her to think that you have nothing going on, and you want to make sure that she understands you have other priorities as well. She will feel a bit more special knowing that you are setting aside your busy schedule for her.

 

Good luck!

[Viking]

I'm just sorta pessimistic I guess. I'm not a flaky guy, but am getting used to the flakiness of online dating. I also am not used to my own success due to the fact that my last two relationships pursued me, so me pursuing a potential girlfriend and coming up successful is "new" to me. I'm not bad looking and I have a good job, so I am a decent catch, but my last girlfriend broke me down a bit and had me convinced that I couldn't (or wouldn't be able) to do better than her.

 

The reason I am "overanalyzing" this is because she meets a lot of what I want. She's pretty, smart, has a good sense of humor, same denomination, seems to be a kind person and has a good personality. I'm not on some fast track to get married, but I know what I want and look for and what to avoid. I don't want to settle, and I feel if I am the pursuer, I'm choosing what I want versus getting what comes to me (like my last relationships).

 

I've already told her this week is pretty open, so she knows I'm making time for her. I was very patient with the eye incidents, and I think she appreciated that. I also don't want to try to kiss her if the timing isn't right, but would like to kiss her.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

If someone is going to NOPE you that quickly over a simple question, you don't want to be with them. That being said she doesn't seem super interested, I would manage your expectations a bit and maybe back off a bit -- you could be coming on too strong for her as well.

 

Also in regards to you letting her know "your week is open" -- that's a bad ploy. She is going to think you don't have a life, or have other things to do -- you don't want to be too available for a woman. Especially early on in dating. Even if you're not busy, try and appear to be.

[TheTraveler]

II'm not bad looking and I have a good job, so I am a decent catch, but my last girlfriend broke me down a bit and had me convinced that I couldn't (or wouldn't be able) to do better than her.

 

If that's your profile pic you look like an avg to below avg dude. I wouldn't say pessimistic, you sound needy

[Viking]

If that's your profile pic you look like an avg to below avg dude. I wouldn't say pessimistic, you sound needy

 

Yep, that's me nine years ago...I am a little different looking now. I was 22ish there. I'm 31 now. I never said I was great looking, just not bad. Jeez.

 

I am trying to manage my expectations, therefore am not trying to get my hopes up really. I'm fine being single, sure it's sometimes frustrating or lonely, but I've got hobbies I do. I work on my cars or my antique car, build stuff, hang out with friends, go bowling or to karaoke etc. We've been inundated with snow this last week, so it makes getting out and going somewhere harder for most as they don't have 4x4 and I do.

 

I try to manage how I come across to her and the thoughts running through my head. Putting them here it might come across as needy or perhaps consumed by thinking about it. However, this is the only place I let them distill down and take form. It is probably going to seem like they are all consuming, due to my infrequency in posting.

 

I updated my avatar for you. I'm a little older looking now and in my service uniform and cruiser.

Edited February 7, 2017 by Viking

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

Not bad looking at all. Can relate to posting my inner most thoughts on here, even if I don't act on them. Go easy on the OP people.

 

One thing I still struggle with OP is managing a girls interest levels. Sometimes checking in too often, or showing too much interest can backfire. Best to wait for positive signals, and then move forward cautiously.

Edited February 7, 2017 by barcode88

[Viking]

I tried editing my previous posting.

 

If someone is going to NOPE you that quickly over a simple question, you don't want to be with them. That being said she doesn't seem super interested, I would manage your expectations a bit and maybe back off a bit -- you could be coming on too strong for her as well.

 

Also in regards to you letting her know "your week is open" -- that's a bad ploy. She is going to think you don't have a life, or have other things to do -- you don't want to be too available for a woman. Especially early on in dating. Even if you're not busy, try and appear to be.

 

I understand trying to appear busy, even if I'm not super busy. But, what I told her is that I have Tuesday and Wednesday open, so one of those days would work for me. I work 48 hrs every week as I work six days in a row and then have two days off. I also work extra overtime if I don't have anything going on (and being single, that's most of the time). So, generally I have at least 60 hour weeks and to me it is unusual to have evenings free or my weekends not booked solid. I'm trying to make time to see her without appearing "too available".

 

But I also don't like the games we play when we're single. The "do I text her back now or do I wait a little", or "don't be too open and available", etc. It would be nice if a girl was interested to just avoid the games. However, that is rare.

 

The reason she reacted to video games like that was due to her being ignored and cast aside for video games. When I called her, I explained that video games are not a daily thing or part of my routine. Her ex boyfriend basically traded their relationship for video games. For her, it seems to be a big deal.

 

I have kept the texting to a minimum, perhaps three per day if we don't talk on the phone.

 

Not bad looking at all. Can relate to posting my inner most thoughts on here, even if I don't act on them. Go easy on the OP people.

 

One thing I still struggle with OP is managing a girls interest levels. Sometimes checking in too often, or showing too much interest can backfire. Best to wait for positive signals, and then move forward cautiously.

 

It's sort of like having a million thoughts running through your head and knowing if you act on them, it will make the other person turn around and run for the hills. I feel this is fairly anonymous and I can share or be open here and air out insecurities instead of making foolish mistakes with the real life person. Maybe that makes sense how I phrased it?

Edited February 7, 2017 by Viking

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

For maintaining some mystery regarding your availability/schedule, I usually phrase things like this:

 

"Hey, I thought we could go do ___ are you free later this week?"

 

She'll say something like:

 

"Thursday or Friday works for me"

 

I'll say:

 

"I can do Friday, how about 7pm?"

 

 

Easy way to make plans without making it look like you're available all the time.

[Viking]

For maintaining some mystery regarding your availability/schedule, I usually phrase things like this:

 

"Hey, I thought we could go do ___ are you free later this week?"

 

She'll say something like:

 

"Thursday or Friday works for me"

 

I'll say:

 

"I can do Friday, how about 7pm?"

 

 

Easy way to make plans without making it look like you're available all the time.

 

That's how this sort of went. She asked me if I wanted to do dinner on Tuesday evening or lunch Wednesday. I told her dinner on Tuesday.

 

On an aside note, she texted me the other night asking me my last name. It seemed to be out of the blue. I imagine she wanted to see my Facebook info...

[Viking]

Well, the date was cancelled due to 4" of snow and icy roads...

[TheTraveler]

Well, the date was cancelled due to 4" of snow and icy roads...

 

Asking your name, calling you when you're at work and couldn't answer is good signs.

 

While the date didn't work today, set up another one.

 

With OLD just roll with it. You should never get anxiety/frustrated/angry(not saying just you, but in general what you see on this board) over this when you've only been on one date. At the end of the day, you're a stranger and who the hell knows what is going on with the woman you're trying to date.

 

Remember, you didn't meet chatting for days/weeks at hot yoga. You met via a screen on your phone

[Viking]

Well, I tried setting up another date, Saturday but was shot down as she's busy. I guess I shouldn't have specified a day but just asked if she would like to meet later in the week (like was suggested). I haven't texted her today and yesterday I only got the text of she's busy Saturday. I called her two days ago, but she didn't pick up (we had prearranged a call, and she even gave me the go ahead to call). She texted me to tell me she fell asleep and then I called back figuring she'd be awake and nothing.

 

I feel as if this is now a dead end, and not worth the time or frustration and I'll shoot her a text next week asking if she wants to get together and if she's flaky, I'm out.

[KBob]

Well, I tried setting up another date, Saturday but was shot down as she's busy. I guess I shouldn't have specified a day but just asked if she would like to meet later in the week (like was suggested). I haven't texted her today and yesterday I only got the text of she's busy Saturday. I called her two days ago, but she didn't pick up (we had prearranged a call, and she even gave me the go ahead to call). She texted me to tell me she fell asleep and then I called back figuring she'd be awake and nothing.

 

I feel as if this is now a dead end, and not worth the time or frustration and I'll shoot her a text next week asking if she wants to get together and if she's flaky, I'm out.

 

I don't even think you should do that, my friend. You asked her out and she said she's busy. She didn't suggest and alternate time and she's not answering your phone calls. I agree, looks like a dead end. You never know, she may end up texting you back, but I think at this point you may end up looking a little desperate if you keep messaging her.

[Viking]

I don't even think you should do that, my friend. You asked her out and she said she's busy. She didn't suggest and alternate time and she's not answering your phone calls. I agree, looks like a dead end. You never know, she may end up texting you back, but I think at this point you may end up looking a little desperate if you keep messaging her.

 

I kinda figured as much. I guess I find it easy to get wrapped up in focusing on one girl that I neglect to remember there are tones more women out there. Part of it is due to my job where I don't have the time for social outings as much as I wish but also partly due to the fact that I have a small group of friends who are not single...

 

It's far easier to be social out and about with a group of friends than by yourself out and about. Being on your own you either look like a creeper or some overzealous guy who usually ends up being creepy.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

Well if the roads were bad that's understandable. Just stay on her radar every other day or so, and see if you can make something happen next week.