Boyfriend Probs Posted February 4, 2017 Posted February 4, 2017 (edited) We're both 19, and next year we're going to be sophomores in college. In my boyfriend's group of friends, there are 7-8 people including him - 3-4 of them are girls - and they are all planning on living together next year. I'm not exactly sure about the details since he hasn't told me much (but I know he would if I asked). I don't know if I'm in the right place to be uncomfortable with the idea that he's living with girls, so I want some perspective from you guys before talking to him about how I feel. I feel uncomfortable with the fact that other girls will be able to live with him and see and interact with him everyday and potentially get closer to him than me. I'm also worried about possible situations arising where he accidentally walks in on a girl changing clothes or vice versa, or if they ever drink together. Additionally, just in general I am not close with his new college friends which makes me more anxious. I've hung out with his high school friends many times and know them well, but the few times I've met his new college friends, while they were polite and said hi to me, they didn't try to include me and had many inside jokes I didn't understand. I was very disappointed both times because these are people he will be living with for 3 years. A girl and a guy in his friend group (let's call them Annie and David) also have a thing going on. David has been sleeping over at Annie's dorm multiple times and has admitted to cuddling with her and sleeping in the same bed...he also has a girlfriend who is NOT Annie. Apparently he's in an open relationship and his gf doesn't care, but no one in the group has ever met his LDR gf so who knows. Even if his gf doesn't care, I feel uncomfortable that my BF will be exposed to this situation and get weird ideas. Aside from David, everyone else in the group is single which is also another thing that makes me worry. This is bothering me to the point where I feel like I might not be able to handle the anxiety I feel about him living with girls that I want to break up with him even though he hasn't done anything wrong. I realize this thinking may be unhealthy and I need advice about how to approach the situation. Thanks for all the help I can get! Edited February 4, 2017 by Boyfriend Probs
ASG Posted February 4, 2017 Posted February 4, 2017 If your bf is gonna cheat on you, he's gonna do it whether he's living with girls or not. I've lived in co-ed houses for a long long time. No one has ever walked in on anyone else changing clothes and also nothing sexual has ever happened between housemates in the various houseshares I've had. I think you need to think about why you don't trust him. Because that's all this is. You don't trust him when he's away from you. But know that if someone wants to cheat, they can do it even if you live together... 2
BaileyB Posted February 4, 2017 Posted February 4, 2017 I think you are both way too young to be tied to a long term relationship. This is the time of life that you are meeting people, having different relationships, learning about yourself and relationships. I think it's highly likely that he will get involved with one of these women, or another woman, just because it's not normal to be in college and miss out on these opportunities because you are in a long term relationship. I would suggest that you let him go, and try to find someone to date that you can spend time with who is closer to home. I'm sorry. I just think it's going to be really hard to keep this relationship going long distance through college. Take care. 1
KC1980 Posted February 4, 2017 Posted February 4, 2017 Well I'm 36 so it's been a while since I was your age, but I know teenage guys. And while it may be true that if he's going to cheat, he's going to do it regardless of living arrangements, I think your instincts are right. Most guys that age , especially with this newest generation, are dogs. Putting him in that situation is risky and take it from me, being cheated on hurts. My gf (soon to be ex) has been cheating using fb for weeks. If you're not comfortable with it, tell him. His reaction will speak volumes. If he blows up, that's suspicious. If he sits down and reasonably talks to you about it, that would be reassuring, and he may be the kind of guy who can handle living with them without being tempted. There are a few of us decent guys out there who have never and will never cheat. Try to figure out if he's one of them. Good luck
d0nnivain Posted February 4, 2017 Posted February 4, 2017 If you are going to ask him not to live with these friends, where do think he'll end up living? What do you know about his other options that are comparable in distance, quality & price? Do you expect him to live alone? I see this causing a fight. He's going to get defensive. He's going to feel like you don't trust him. If you have never previously had reason to doubt him when you mention it, talk about how you are feeling insecure & you're jealous because the housemates will get to spend more time with him then you will because of the distance. Ask him how he thinks he can help you get past this.
WaitingForBardot Posted February 4, 2017 Posted February 4, 2017 (edited) I lived in coed houses the entire time I was an undergrad/grad student. There was the occasional cheater, but the housing situation was not the cause. Edited to add: Seeing someone naked is not the same as having sex. People don't jump in bed with each other just because they both happen to be naked. Edited February 4, 2017 by WaitingForBardot 3
Gaeta Posted February 4, 2017 Posted February 4, 2017 If you are this jealous and controlling at 19 it doesn't sound good for your future. What will be, will be. You cannot keep him from cheating by controlling him and people around him. If he cheats then dump him and find yourself a better boyfriend, end of story. In life you have cheaters and non-cheaters. If your boyfriend is a non-cheaters no matter how many naked-woman he comes across in a day he won't cheat. I lived 3 years in a mix-dorm while in college. My ex and I were long distance. He never once was worried about the 500 other college guys sleeping in the same building as me, he trusted me and it never crossed his mind I'd cheat. That's what trust feels like.
smackie9 Posted February 4, 2017 Posted February 4, 2017 There have been many threads where the female roommate goes out partying with guy, they are wasted, and she crawls into bed with guy....what 19 year old guy, wasted, is going to say no to a free offering such as that, especially since he ain't getting any from you. 19 year old boys are horndogs. He may not be a cheater, but sure as hell the chances of a slip up are 99.9%. Just me but, LDRs are dumb. You are young and there are guys out there right at your fingertips, that are admiring you, and want to be with you...don't ignore those guys. Have a real relationship where you can be with your BF physically anytime you want.....right by your side..holding hands, touching, kissing, walk together, etc. You are wasting the best years of your life with this relationship...make the change. 1
ThisisIt606 Posted February 4, 2017 Posted February 4, 2017 A guy that young probably can't control his hormones too well... especially if the whole college drinking thing comes into play. You're both very young to be tied down to eachother in an LDR.... Is there anything else about him that bothers you (besides moving in with girls)? Take time to reevaluate the relationship (positives and negativies). If the moving in with girls thing is the tipping point in the negative direction, break up. It will prevent all anxieties with him, missed calls/texts, drunken messages, etc-- you won't have to deal with any of it. It's not running away, it's protecting yourself. Especially if you think realistically, if you're both 19 in an a LDR you prob aren't going to marry this guy... You see a potential anxiety ridden disaster for yourself, so if you don't think this guy is all that great just dump him.
Recommended Posts