How to go about the stepping back/break up conversation?

[quidproquo89]

I guess I can be a bit of a crowd-pleaser sometimes, especially when it comes to hurting someone's feelings or breaking their heart...

 

 

but.. I have become unsure about my relationship. Discussed on this forum http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/611933-found-myself-toxic-environment-need-clear-my-head

 

 

I've never dumped anyone before, always the one dumped. So I have no experience in it and makes me feel a bit sicky.

 

 

Not sure that I want to break up with my girlfriend but a step back maybe.

 

 

As aforementioned on the link, my gf and I are at my parents place. She has a ton of pets, I'm unhappy about it. Our sex life isn't great and I am not enjoying life with her at the moment.

 

 

How do I communicate this across to her. I've told her numerous occasions that I don't like the amount of animals and clearing up. However she sees her pets as irreplaceable family members (I understand that) but it is consuming all our free time. Get up, clean litter trays, tend to rabbits, feed cats, fish, hamster. Free time is spent socialising with the indoor rabbits.

 

 

She brought up sex yesterday, I said great. Lets not leave it too late so that I'm not too tired. We go into the bedroom. She gets tense if we jump straight in. She needs to relax and get into to it with cuddling etc. But as usual it didn't happen. She gets comfy the cats lay over us and she falls asleep.

 

 

Seems like the animals take priority and I am second because so many pets take a lot of looking after.

 

 

Seems to me best step may be that she moves back with her parents (like others on here have said) and I sort myself out financially and mentally.

 

 

Its the conversation with her that I am afraid of. She doesn't open up easily and gets emotional about experiences previously where she was heart broken after having to rehome her dogs. She said she will never rehome any over her cats. Rabbits some will be and the fish to be in a pond.

 

 

Selfishly what I want for me, is a girlfriend who has no kids/tons of animals. Someone who enjoys sex weekly. My current gf and I do have some fun days out together and nights in but I feel that I can't initiate sex as she gets defensive, doesn't let me touch her intimately without being in the 'mood'. The mood doesn't come around enough.

 

 

I know I need to move out of my parents place but I need at least a year of saving till I am capable of doing so. I am not convinced that moving out with change anything about our lives being ruled by the keeping of animals.

 

 

I discussed it with my sister and she said I have no advice to give you really, you need to move out.

[Redhead14]

I guess I can be a bit of a crowd-pleaser sometimes, especially when it comes to hurting someone's feelings or breaking their heart...

 

 

but.. I have become unsure about my relationship. Discussed on this forum http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/611933-found-myself-toxic-environment-need-clear-my-head

 

 

I've never dumped anyone before, always the one dumped. So I have no experience in it and makes me feel a bit sicky.

 

 

Not sure that I want to break up with my girlfriend but a step back maybe.

 

 

As aforementioned on the link, my gf and I are at my parents place. She has a ton of pets, I'm unhappy about it. Our sex life isn't great and I am not enjoying life with her at the moment.

 

 

How do I communicate this across to her. I've told her numerous occasions that I don't like the amount of animals and clearing up. However she sees her pets as irreplaceable family members (I understand that) but it is consuming all our free time. Get up, clean litter trays, tend to rabbits, feed cats, fish, hamster. Free time is spent socialising with the indoor rabbits.

 

 

She brought up sex yesterday, I said great. Lets not leave it too late so that I'm not too tired. We go into the bedroom. She gets tense if we jump straight in. She needs to relax and get into to it with cuddling etc. But as usual it didn't happen. She gets comfy the cats lay over us and she falls asleep.

 

 

Seems like the animals take priority and I am second because so many pets take a lot of looking after.

 

 

Seems to me best step may be that she moves back with her parents (like others on here have said) and I sort myself out financially and mentally.

 

 

Its the conversation with her that I am afraid of. She doesn't open up easily and gets emotional about experiences previously where she was heart broken after having to rehome her dogs. She said she will never rehome any over her cats. Rabbits some will be and the fish to be in a pond.

 

 

Selfishly what I want for me, is a girlfriend who has no kids/tons of animals. Someone who enjoys sex weekly. My current gf and I do have some fun days out together and nights in but I feel that I can't initiate sex as she gets defensive, doesn't let me touch her intimately without being in the 'mood'. The mood doesn't come around enough.

 

 

I know I need to move out of my parents place but I need at least a year of saving till I am capable of doing so. I am not convinced that moving out with change anything about our lives being ruled by the keeping of animals.

 

 

I discussed it with my sister and she said I have no advice to give you really, you need to move out.

 

Selfishly what I want for me, is a girlfriend who has no kids/tons of animals. Someone who enjoys sex weekly. -- Then you need to find a woman who fits your needs. You don't choose a partner and then try to change them.

 

Breaking up would not necessarily be a Selfish thing. You would be doing both of you a favor because if you are unhappy it will damage the relationship anyway and she will be unhappy as well.

 

You have addressed these concerns with her a few times now. When you address and need/concern in a relationship, you then sit back to observe whether they make the effort to accommodate or at least compromise for you. This woman is clearly unwilling to do that, therefore, you need to end it.

 

There is no "step back"/break. You end it because your lifestyle preferences do not match. And, if she panics and says she will give up all her animals and be what you want her to be, keep in mind that doing all that "cold turkey" will cause her more anxiety, it will cause her to become resentful, etc. over time.

[d0nnivain]

You live together in your parents' house. The only scale back is her moving out. When you tell her you don't want to live together anymore she's not going to take that well.

 

 

I think you would be better off being straight with her. Tell her all the things that are wrong: too many animals, not enough money. sponging off your parents, no sex.

 

 

She's not going to give up the animals, so where do you think that leaves you?

[Whodatdog]

Sadly this is what happens when people move in together way too soon. This was a disaster waiting to happen. So you moved in together (with others involved, too), its not working out....now what?

 

I think you definitely need to step back so you can evaluate this relationship, but in order to do so, she will have to leave...menagerie and all. This is not likely to end well. The entire household really sounds chaotic; maybe just tell her that with your Nana now living there, and your mom not liking the animals, that she might have to move out for a while now. Good luck.

[Ronni_W]

I've never dumped anyone before, always the one dumped. So I have no experience in it and makes me feel a bit sicky.

Actually, your prior experiences in having been dumped give you all the experience you need: you know that you need to be - and it is important that you are - firm, direct, honest and kind.

 

You mention, a few times, 'stepping back' instead of making a permanent break. In the name of fairness and honesty and full disclosure, please make 100% sure that you actually do intend to continue the relationship exactly as it is (except the temporary change in living arrangements), and that you actually do desire and intend to go back to living with her again -- WITH her 'tons of animals' -- as soon as that is possible.

If that really doesn't feel true for you, right now, then don't jerk her around and string her along by asking for a 'step back' when you already know that you want a permanent break. (Remember, here, that she is ALWAYS going to be a person who wants and enjoys 'tons of animals' living with her in her home.)

When it comes to doing the breaking up, taking the 'band-aid approach' is always going to be less costly in the long run; less harmful and less painful -- for both of you.

That is, one mighty tug to just rip the whole band-aid off at one time. Still gonna hurt, but for a shorter period of time.

Selfishly what I want for me, is a girlfriend who has no kids/tons of animals.

You couldn't have known this before you had the actual experience - it is a new self-awareness that you have gained through this relationship and all its 'ups' and 'downs'.

It is a 'take-away' that makes this a growth-inspiring relationship...so, definitely positive for you.

 

It is not selfish to know what you want and don't want; and, the process of learning that is not, in itself, selfish, either.

In the future, do not choose people with 'tons of animals' -- or even one pet, if you're truly not an in-home-animal lover. (I'm not either; it doesn't make us 'selfish'.)

 

Hugs and best of luck, quidproquo89. It is one of the difficult decisions and conversations that adults must face in order to learn and grow. You're doing great, so far .

[Sweetfish]

I guess I can be a bit of a crowd-pleaser sometimes, especially when it comes to hurting someone's feelings or breaking their heart...

 

 

but.. I have become unsure about my relationship. Discussed on this forum http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/611933-found-myself-toxic-environment-need-clear-my-head

 

 

I've never dumped anyone before, always the one dumped. So I have no experience in it and makes me feel a bit sicky.

 

 

Not sure that I want to break up with my girlfriend but a step back maybe.

 

 

As aforementioned on the link, my gf and I are at my parents place. She has a ton of pets, I'm unhappy about it. Our sex life isn't great and I am not enjoying life with her at the moment.

 

 

How do I communicate this across to her. I've told her numerous occasions that I don't like the amount of animals and clearing up. However she sees her pets as irreplaceable family members (I understand that) but it is consuming all our free time. Get up, clean litter trays, tend to rabbits, feed cats, fish, hamster. Free time is spent socialising with the indoor rabbits.

 

 

She brought up sex yesterday, I said great. Lets not leave it too late so that I'm not too tired. We go into the bedroom. She gets tense if we jump straight in. She needs to relax and get into to it with cuddling etc. But as usual it didn't happen. She gets comfy the cats lay over us and she falls asleep.

 

 

Seems like the animals take priority and I am second because so many pets take a lot of looking after.

 

 

Seems to me best step may be that she moves back with her parents (like others on here have said) and I sort myself out financially and mentally.

 

 

Its the conversation with her that I am afraid of. She doesn't open up easily and gets emotional about experiences previously where she was heart broken after having to rehome her dogs. She said she will never rehome any over her cats. Rabbits some will be and the fish to be in a pond.

 

 

Selfishly what I want for me, is a girlfriend who has no kids/tons of animals. Someone who enjoys sex weekly. My current gf and I do have some fun days out together and nights in but I feel that I can't initiate sex as she gets defensive, doesn't let me touch her intimately without being in the 'mood'. The mood doesn't come around enough.

 

 

I know I need to move out of my parents place but I need at least a year of saving till I am capable of doing so. I am not convinced that moving out with change anything about our lives being ruled by the keeping of animals.

 

 

I discussed it with my sister and she said I have no advice to give you really, you need to move out.

 

 

Though it may seem normal to you or others... the animals she has is no different than hoarding. Some deep rooted issue or abandonment issue is causing her to find comfort in these animals. While its normal to have one or two-ish (give or take 2) pets and find comfort in those pets and consider them family is normal or healthy.. that is the life she wants and if its critically effected your way of living and she can not compromise... its time to move on.