Lostandconfused12 Posted February 3, 2017 Posted February 3, 2017 My ex and I met when we were very young. Instant connection. I knew the minute I saw him. We were 16. Seven years later, out of no where, after what I thought was the most perfect relationship, no fight caused it, I get "I'm not in love with you anymore I don't see a future" I tried so hard to point out all the wonderful things we shared. He had stated he didn't know what he wanted in life but didn't want to be with me anymore. And that he was questioning the "what-ifs" ... he stated he had no reason to give me. Didn't know why he didn't love me but just did. I accepted it. Two weeks later he tries to have sex with me. Now almost a month and a half later I am going no contact as he stated that "I can not be in his life if he is ever going to accept that there may be someone else out there for me. I was so great, but it didn't matter, because he didn't want to be with me. 7 years is enough time to know this, and I don't know if this works out in the end but probably not" I seriously have never felt so depressed in my entire life to be so blind sided. Lead on. 7 years and you just think of this now? He asks for me to just "let me do my own thing" and I will respect that because I really do wish nothing but happiness for him. But for me...I am left trying to make sense what went wrong. Is there a chance he comes back to me?
bluefeather Posted February 4, 2017 Posted February 4, 2017 I seriously have never felt so depressed in my entire life to be so blind sided. Lead on... Why do you feel lead on? It doesn't sound like he was faking anything with you. He was honest and upfront by telling you what he came to realize. 7 years and you just think of this now? No, you two spent 7 years together and now things have changed. I am left trying to make sense what went wrong. Sounds like he fell out of love. Is there a chance he comes back to me? The age-old question... And to answer it: Yes. But that's not necessarily the best thing for you :/ I'm sorry you're going through this and wish you healing.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 4, 2017 Posted February 4, 2017 I'm sorry this happened, OP. The reality is that most people who get together as teenagers don't stay together forever. These days, people rarely want to limit themselves to just one partner for their entire lives - a curiosity which isn't at all unhealthy. Who you both were at 16 is (I imagine) quite different from who you are today and the adults you have yet to become. I agree with the above poster that he didn't lead you on. He probably really did enjoy his time with you and sincerely did envision a future together at some point. But as we grow and change, so do our preferences in romantic partners. It doesn't mean you necessarily did anything wrong, but he's likely wanting to branch out and explore. It's fairly normal for young loves to grow apart as they grow up. He fell out of love and he did the right thing by being honest that he no longer feels the same way. I imagine he didn't want to feel like this, and he's probably been grappling with this for a little while. Sometimes people do find their way back to each other. The only time I have ever seen that happen successfully, however, is when both parties dated others and branched out on their own for a while. The couple in question spent nearly 2 years apart with virtually no contact, and both engaged in other relationships. But honestly? More often than not, the split was meant to happen and both people move on. Focus on your own healing now. Be kind and patient with yourself.
mightycpa Posted February 4, 2017 Posted February 4, 2017 No chance. Or at least, no reasonable chance he comes back to you. I understand that you can't quite understand how he's feeling. But take a moment to think what it would take for you to say to him what he said to you. How "out of love" would you have to be to say to him what he said to you? Think about it this way. You and he owned a puppy together. You both raised that puppy since the day he was born, you loved it and it loved you both. Then one day, your boyfriend shot that puppy dead, right before your eyes, with no warning and no mercy. Dead. Go ahead. Envision that day he broke up with you and right before he says what he said, watch him shoot that puppy right in front of your eyes. Then listen to those words he told you, while your puppy lies there dead in a pool of blood. That's what happened to you. No wonder you can't understand it. It's unthinkable. But think about it. Envision it. Re-live it one more time, but this time, re-live it for what it was. Your ex killed your relationship. You are hanging onto dreams of the past. Let it go. Say goodbye to your puppy. He's gone now.
Author Lostandconfused12 Posted February 4, 2017 Author Posted February 4, 2017 Why do you feel lead on? It doesn't sound like he was faking anything with you. He was honest and upfront by telling you what he came to realize. No, you two spent 7 years together and now things have changed. Sounds like he fell out of love. The age-old question... And to answer it: Yes. But that's not necessarily the best thing for you :/ I'm sorry you're going through this and wish you healing. Thank you for your reply. I'm so lost just because of how we had bought a cat together and we're saving for a home. I have no idea where the red flags were. Eventually I will see them I suppose. He kept staying in contact saying "if I didn't keep in contact I would be ruining us forever and we wouldn't have anything together" that was 3 or 4 weeks after the breakup. I haven't spoken to him. I don't know what kind of person just wants to keep me around as back up it seems like. That's why it's so hurtful. I'm holding on to false hope. Thinking if he really didn't want to lose me, he wouldn't want to see me and such. But in the end, now he can be happy. I just couldn't be friends at this point it hurt me too much. I tried. Absence makes the heart grow fonder maybe?
Author Lostandconfused12 Posted February 4, 2017 Author Posted February 4, 2017 No chance. Or at least, no reasonable chance he comes back to you. I understand that you can't quite understand how he's feeling. But take a moment to think what it would take for you to say to him what he said to you. How "out of love" would you have to be to say to him what he said to you? Think about it this way. You and he owned a puppy together. You both raised that puppy since the day he was born, you loved it and it loved you both. Then one day, your boyfriend shot that puppy dead, right before your eyes, with no warning and no mercy. Dead. Go ahead. Envision that day he broke up with you and right before he says what he said, watch him shoot that puppy right in front of your eyes. Then listen to those words he told you, while your puppy lies there dead in a pool of blood. That's what happened to you. No wonder you can't understand it. It's unthinkable. But think about it. Envision it. Re-live it one more time, but this time, re-live it for what it was. Your ex killed your relationship. You are hanging onto dreams of the past. Let it go. Say goodbye to your puppy. He's gone now. Oh gosh! Very horrible way to put it but a good way to put it! Lol. I think it's so hard because he just kept sending me mixed signals. Freaked out on me when I said I wouldn't "keep in touch" and told me that would "ruin us forever" (uhm isn't that what you wanted?) he keeps saying he wants to see "life through his own eyes" I know I'm holding on to false hope. I just don't know how to stop loving him. I really don't at all. We just got a cat together, I catered to him. I just don't know what I did wrong. The more time apart the more I see, that he did not cater to me in that same way. I never asked him to and never expected him to as long as he loved and respected me. But maybe the warning sign was there all along.
bluefeather Posted February 4, 2017 Posted February 4, 2017 I don't know what kind of person just wants to keep me around as back up it seems like. That's why it's so hurtful. It might not be to keep you around as a back-up. It might be because it is just hard to let go of you. Any small talk he has with you can ease his pain of loss. It's like slowly edging off of a drug. I'm holding on to false hope. This is a reason I have learned that no contact is helpful for the dumpee. Small-talk between a broken up couple may lessen the pain of the dumper, but it can cause additional suffering to the dumpee. Absence makes the heart grow fonder maybe? In this case, perhaps, sort of. But it's a little more complicated than that. Plus, if he actually did come back, you should seriously ask yourself, "Is this the kind of person I want? Or do I deserve someone better?" That's up to you to decide.
TheWoman Posted February 4, 2017 Posted February 4, 2017 I am sorry you are going through this. I do know how terrible it is to suffer such a loss. It feels like a death. Be gentle on yourself and accept that you will grieve. Take a look at the grief cycle, it might help with perspective. And now for the advice, it is the same for both men and women in your situation... - Go no contact: its like bandaging the wound, overwise you will keep picking at it and it will not have the chance to heal. - Focus on yourself: your work / studies / fitness / hobbies /friends. These terrible changes in life give us our best opportunity to grow, emotionally, tangibly and spiritually (if you are into that kind of thing). Embrace it. - Getting back together: put this out of your mind as much as possible. He ended what you thought was a perfect relationship. So if he changes his mind later (which he may do if you follow points above) he needs to get down on his metaphorical knees and ask for you back. Its the only way its going to work, only way you might be able to trust him not to do it again.... You are both very young, there is a lot of life ahead and timing is everything. Pause, reflect, grow, love yourself and let go. Its a cliche, but if it was meant to be it will come back.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 4, 2017 Posted February 4, 2017 Thank you for your reply. I'm so lost just because of how we had bought a cat together and we're saving for a home. I have no idea where the red flags were. Eventually I will see them I suppose. He kept staying in contact saying "if I didn't keep in contact I would be ruining us forever and we wouldn't have anything together" that was 3 or 4 weeks after the breakup. I haven't spoken to him. I don't know what kind of person just wants to keep me around as back up it seems like. That's why it's so hurtful. I'm holding on to false hope. Thinking if he really didn't want to lose me, he wouldn't want to see me and such. But in the end, now he can be happy. I just couldn't be friends at this point it hurt me too much. I tried. Absence makes the heart grow fonder maybe? Honestly, people who say such things are usually the ones who have their eye on someone else but want to make sure you're still there in case things with the new crush don't work out. You are wise to keep your distance from him at this time.
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