george239 Posted February 3, 2017 Posted February 3, 2017 about 5 months ago, my ex and i broke up totally out of the blue, it was an incredibly messy and bad break up but through it all we have remained in contact. We have tried the not speaking thing and it just doesn't work for us. Things have started to get better and now he is coming to visit next week. Alot has happened over the past few months, we have both dated new people but nothing has come of these dates so far and it's no secret that we have really good chemistry. We have reached a good point and the only question now is how we can maintain this friendship when one of us finds a new partner? It is inevitable in the near future that this will happen and i am honestly not sure that our friendship will be able to handle this transition and everything will not fall apart. The break up is still quite raw and this will be the first time since it all happened that we've seen each other and i am really freaking out also he has recently started to give off small hints that he may still have feelings but he denies these when i ask, may just be me misreading things though. I would really really appreciate some words of advice or reassurance
Mrin Posted February 3, 2017 Posted February 3, 2017 Ok so let's be straight here - he's coming to visit and expects to get laid. That's why he's floating those little something's. And you know that him coming out to visit isn't some platonic visit with pals. Right? So that being said, do you want to ask a different question? 1
Author george239 Posted February 3, 2017 Author Posted February 3, 2017 There is absolutely no chance of anything happening, we have already discussed that. He's literally just coming as a friend. Being friends with an ex is something that happens all the time
Sweetfish Posted February 3, 2017 Posted February 3, 2017 There is absolutely no chance of anything happening, we have already discussed that. He's literally just coming as a friend. Being friends with an ex is something that happens all the time is this a gay relationship?
Author george239 Posted February 3, 2017 Author Posted February 3, 2017 no it isn't, is that relevant?
preraph Posted February 3, 2017 Posted February 3, 2017 Sometimes people can be friends, but it's usually more like acquaintances who aren't all up in the other person's life. Having an ex around will block both of you from a successful new relationship. I became friends with an ex decades after when he was secure in his marriage and I no longer had love feelings for him but just friend ones. But again, it's probably not a good idea to try to hang out a lot and confide in one another. One or the other of you will resent it, it will run off new partners, and what's the point if you're not compatible and don't want to stay together anyway? Be distant friends and don't start confiding in each other and don't start reminiscing and get emotional and hurt each other again.
dumbass2 Posted February 3, 2017 Posted February 3, 2017 There is absolutely no chance of anything happening, we have already discussed that. He's literally just coming as a friend. Being friends with an ex is something that happens all the time Well, I guess it depends on how you define "friends". FWB? Yes, until one gets hurt as the other moves on. Friends as in just "platonic friends". Yes, after a long enough time has gone by and all romantic feelings are gone on both sides and you'd have no problem attending his wedding with his new bride. Then there is the "acquaintance" or "not close at all friend" where you talk maybe once or twice a year and wish each other "happy birthdays" and such and that's pretty much it and no romantic overtones. It is very very difficult, but not impossible, to be friends after a romantic relationship, but it never happens (that I've seen or heard) very soon after a break up.
Sweetfish Posted February 3, 2017 Posted February 3, 2017 no it isn't, is that relevant? I'm asking because of the user name and yes it does. Men and women minds are totally so Iim making sure Im not giving generic advice. So I want to be clear what I was responding to either WM or MM. That and the nature of the breakup is not very clear in the thread. It was a breakup out of the blue... but was it because someone else was involved or was it something about you. Its just uncommon for someone to breakup out of the blue for no reason what so ever. we have both dated new people but nothing has come of these dates so far and it's no secret that we have really good chemistry. We have reached a good point and the only question now is how we can maintain this friendship when one of us finds a new partner? It is inevitable in the near future that this will happen and i am honestly not sure that our friendship will be able to handle this transition and everything will not fall apart. This statement shows your confusion. Its says I want to be with him...but the pain he has inflicted I never want to feel that pain again. So you want the benefits of what he can provide without submitting your absolute feelings for him. (don't take offense) But because you cannot submit those feelings... you know eventually he will find another person and the "friendship" will dissolve because you know female nature and the new S.O. will not allow this So your in a paradox. You are scared. He may either just want sex. He may want to get back together. or Your scared you your self may have a desire to want him. at this current state now, you know you only want the chemistry and happiness he brings to you without the risk of putting you back in a bad place. You just don't know. That is my assumption on whats going on. If i'm wrong please interject
d0nnivain Posted February 3, 2017 Posted February 3, 2017 No, you can't be just friends with an EX at least not this early on. You shared something more & even hanging out during this visit is going to feel like you are back dating. It will be very confusing. Add alcohol & no matter how many promises you made, this will turn physical then all your healing will be undone. You don't have to be angry & mean. You can be polite when you accidently bump into one another but talking, keeping in touch, spending time together those are all off the table for now.
darkmoon Posted February 3, 2017 Posted February 3, 2017 I think you are a still a little in love with him. His friendship seems to mean so much to you. You need to get out more. Get out of this unhealthy intense mind-set.
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