Gaeta Posted February 6, 2017 Posted February 6, 2017 Despite everything discussed in this thread, what hope do people with BPD have if people like me were to just walk out of their lives because it's not convenient for them? If my girlfriend were to become paralyzed, should I then leave her because caring for her would infringe on my "wants" and "needs". Obviously, this is a dramatic example, and perhaps incurable negativity is the one thing that can justify abandoning someone. This is dating not a marriage. The purpose of dating is to find someone compatible for a long term adventure together. If after dating someone for a whole year you end up with a long list of negatives than the right thing to do is to end the relationship and continue searching for someone better suited. You do not know, and none of us know, if she suffers from BPD so before jumping to conclusion a mental illness excuses her immature erratic behavior she should get a diagnosis from a professional. Don't forget, a lot of people do not suffer from mental illness and are just immature, manipulative, controlling and narcissistic.
Ronni_W Posted February 6, 2017 Posted February 6, 2017 (edited) , what hope do people with BPD have if people like me were to just walk out of their lives because it's not convenient for them? It's perfectly fine -- and even compassionate -- to want to HELP people in their struggles through life. But we cannot take on the responsibility for their life. Even those with more-serious psychological blocks (however people or professionals want to label or characterize them) have the responsibility and obligation to themselves, to look at themselves honestly, to listen to and accept their impact on others, and to be willing to work towards needed improvements. This includes working with properly-qualified professionals, taking prescribed medications, doing prescribed self-discovery and healing exercises, etc. At the end of the day, you are responsible for your own life and how you use it. Your own life goals and Plan are important on a number of levels, and, so, you cannot set them aside in favour of tending or catering to anybody else. (It might very well be in your cards to take on the role or act as care-taker or counselor; but then you would have, by now, felt a certain inner sense or 'tug' to want to take that up as a career or profession.) Edited February 6, 2017 by Ronni_W formatting
Mrlonelyone Posted February 6, 2017 Posted February 6, 2017 TL:DR Don't be afraid of being single and "alone". If you want to break up do that and take a year finding out who you are . Do a male version of "eat pray love". When you date a woman next time don't waste years in a relationship you know deep down has no future. ____________________ I will share with you OP some wisdom from my parents. Date for a year... after about a year of solid dating you should know if you'd want to marry this person. Then get engaged and live with each other for a year. If you still want to go through with it then and only then do you get married. So you can't be sure who you want to marry after a year but you can be sure if you don't. You don't sound like you want to marry this woman. You sound like you are in doubt about it and starting to feel too old for wasting time. Which at 28 you are. Your late 20's through early 40's are PRIME years in terms of marriage family and all that. They are when you are both mentally mature enough to do all kinds of great things and physically fit enough to enjoy yourself. Unlike you I am mid 30's and have been utterly single for all but a total of five years of my adult life.. from age 17 to now. What I found out about myself and relationships in that time is that romantic relationships don't make people. They can break a person but they can't make you. We make ourselves who we are. A good partner encourages and supports our self growth. Your problem may have be that you have never been on your own for a solid year. Take a solid year just to be alone and be you. You may enjoy it. Since you clearly have a personality and skills that can get a new relationship when you are really wanting it do that. Maybe just try going on some casual dates here and there without wanting a "relationship" and all that goes with it. Try dating some people you'd never consider a "relationship" with. Taste some of the other spices of life that are out there. Being single is not time wasted unless you stop growing as a person. Plenty of people have been stuck in relationships that were a total toxic waste of time and had no future.
kendahke Posted February 6, 2017 Posted February 6, 2017 (edited) Despite everything discussed in this thread, what hope do people with BPD have if people like me were to just walk out of their lives because it's not convenient for them? If my girlfriend were to become paralyzed, should I then leave her because caring for her would infringe on my "wants" and "needs". What hope do they have when you've said the following in your first post here: I just feel like I'm never content and I'll always regret not being alone for a few years and discovering who I really am. Why does leaving her for this reason hold water? It's as flimsy as any other excuse you've made. Leaving is leaving, no matter what the reason... and you came here because of a gnawing feeling that will grow the longer you attempt to ignore it. If she wasn't wonderful enough for you to squash that, then she's not wonderful enough for any other reason. Thing is: she's isn't paralyzed. She's manipulative and very good at it. If her tack didn't work on you, she'd have switched to something else by now. You might want to start with not lying to yourself. It makes an already difficult process even more difficult. Edited February 6, 2017 by kendahke
Sweetfish Posted February 6, 2017 Posted February 6, 2017 Trying to diagnose people's SO's with personality disorders on an internet forum is just harmful. Take it with a grain of salt OP. Unless you know your self what a personality disorder is... you can't negate if the advice is wrong or right. The information was simply informational. Personality disorders are simply common human traits that effects ones life. Like someone who drinks and effects their daily lives or relationships.. its a disorder but it doesn't take a doctor to let you know you should maybe leave the relationship. Unless you have dated or know a BPD there are Tall tail signs of knowing the traits... no different than a cheater leaving tall tail signs.. But no less take all advice here with a grain of salt. 1
Downtown Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 I try explaining to her that our relationship will not be perfect 100% of the time and some days will be better than others, but if she keeps dwelling on the imperfections, it's only going to perpetuate any issues....Wait, if your GF is a BPDer (i.e., has strong symptoms), she is so immature that her ego defenses are limited to those used by young children. One of these defenses is black-white thinking, as I noted above. A BPDer relies heavily on B-W thinking because she is too immature to handle strong conflicting feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of interpersonal relationships. In this way, a BPDer is able to greatly simply her thinking by dealing with only one intense feeling at a time. This all-or-nothing thinking -- wherein a small imperfection can ruin the entire day -- is especially evident in the behavior of a young child. A four year old, for example, will adore daddy when he is bring out the toys and then, in a few seconds, will flip to hating daddy when he takes one away. Significantly, the child does not see all the gray areas between "all good" and "all bad." She therefore flips back and forth between those two states. Because a BPDer typically has the emotional maturity of a four year old, she will often behave this way too -- throwing a hissy fit over a minor imperfection in an otherwise pretty good day. Also, I can't even count how many times I've pleaded with her to stop generalizing when she says "ALWAYS", "NEVER", etc... It's one of the most exhausting things to deal with and it doesn't matter if I point to concrete examples from the day before contrary to her argument.Please keep in mind that a BPDer applies this black-white thinking to HERSELF as well as to others. The result is that admitting to herself that she has a flaw or that she made a mistake means -- by her all-or-nothing way of thinking -- that she must be "all bad." This is one reason that BPDers rarely admit to doing anything wrong or having a flaw. If my girlfriend were to become paralyzed, should I then leave her because caring for her would infringe on my "wants" and "needs"?You are framing the question incorrectly. The relevant question, when seeking a wife to satisfy your marital wants and needs, is whether it makes any sense to pursue a woman who -- if she is a BPDer -- has the emotional development of a young child? What hope do people with BPD have if people like me were to just walk out of their lives because it's not convenient for them?If she is a BPDer, she likely will have a better chance of confronting her issues and learning to manage them when you leave this toxic relationship. The only way you can sustain a R/S with her is to continue allowing her to behave like a spoiled young child and GET AWAY WITH IT. In that way, your enabling behavior is harming her by destroying her incentives and opportunities to get better. If you were to end the enabling behavior and stop walking on eggshells -- by establishing strong personal boundaries and enforcing them -- she almost certainly would replace you with another man. An untreated BPDer will tolerate your presence in the R/S only as long as you continue to "validate" her false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." Hence, the toxicity in a BPDer relationship is not something SHE is doing to you. Rather, it is something you BOTH are doing to each other. The harm that she is doing to you is easy to see. What is far more difficult to see is how your enabling behavior is harming her. Perhaps incurable negativity is the one thing that can justify abandoning someone.Another justification for walking away is to stop harming the woman. As long as you continue to protect her from suffering the logical consequences of her own bad choices, you will continue to destroy any incentives she has to acquire the emotional skills needed to grow up. If your GF does exhibit strong BPD traits, those traits can explain her bad behavior -- but they do not excuse any of it. That is, her BPD traits do not give her a free pass to treat you with negativity, verbal abuse, and other immature behaviors. Consequently, your walking away from her would be more accurately described as a "logical consequence" to her bad behaviors -- not "abandonment," the term you used. 1
Downtown Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 Trying to diagnose people's SO's with personality disorders on an internet forum is just harmful.Olivetree, you are confusing "spotting warning signs" with "making a diagnosis." There is a world of difference between the two. Nobody on this thread has attempted to diagnose anything. On the contrary, I stated:Learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Although you can spot strong BPD traits, only a professional can determine whether they are sufficiently severe to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation, e.g., getting into a toxic R/S with your current GF or running into the arms of another woman just like her. And it may help you decide whether your current situation warrants a professional opinion.
Recommended Posts