Joga_31 Posted February 3, 2017 Posted February 3, 2017 My girlfriend is going to Las Vegas for a friend's bachelorette to Las Vegas for 3 nights. I hate the idea, but it does not matter what I say to her she is still going. I feel like I am being walked all over or am I being insecure? she says she just wants to make her friend happy and be with her in this important event.
d0nnivain Posted February 3, 2017 Posted February 3, 2017 Do you trust your GF? Have you talked to her about your expectations? It's a bachelorette party; there will be some shenanigans. Where the lines get drawn is the issue. Talk about your concerns. Do you think she'll cheat? Are you going to be upset if they go to a strip club or topless pool? If you have an honest conversation with her & you trust her, things should be fine. If you don't trust her, why are you dating her? I went on a girls trip with 10 of my sorority sisters last fall. We drank too much, talked about sex, sunned ourselves & did some touristy stuff. Nothing too wild. We all probably facetime'd our husbands at least once per day & passed the phones around so we all talked to everybody's husband at least once during the trip. All in all very low key. The husbands even talked to each other about what goofs we were. 1
Author Joga_31 Posted February 3, 2017 Author Posted February 3, 2017 Do you trust your GF? Have you talked to her about your expectations? It's a bachelorette party; there will be some shenanigans. Where the lines get drawn is the issue. Talk about your concerns. Do you think she'll cheat? Are you going to be upset if they go to a strip club or topless pool? If you have an honest conversation with her & you trust her, things should be fine. If you don't trust her, why are you dating her? I went on a girls trip with 10 of my sorority sisters last fall. We drank too much, talked about sex, sunned ourselves & did some touristy stuff. Nothing too wild. We all probably facetime'd our husbands at least once per day & passed the phones around so we all talked to everybody's husband at least once during the trip. All in all very low key. The husbands even talked to each other about what goofs we were. There will be a pool party, there will be a stripper magic mike show. She said that she wants me to trust her and doesn't plan on getting pissed drunk and many of the girls there have boyfriends I actually don't trust her and her friends, I feel she will tell me one thing and do another. I mean I feel this trust thing always ends up in me challenging my insecurities while she still goes out to do what she wants.
kendahke Posted February 3, 2017 Posted February 3, 2017 My girlfriend is going to Las Vegas for a friend's bachelorette to Las Vegas for 3 nights. I hate the idea, but it does not matter what I say to her she is still going. I feel like I am being walked all over or am I being insecure? she says she just wants to make her friend happy and be with her in this important event. Why don't you trust your girlfriend? Does she always forget she's in a relationship with you whenever she is out of your line of sight? Will she sleep with the first guy who crosses her path? Yes, you are being insecure unless you have solid, irrefutable truth that she can't keep her panties on whenever you're not there.
d0nnivain Posted February 3, 2017 Posted February 3, 2017 Joga 31 Going to a pool party, watching a stripper & getting drunk are pretty tame activities for a bachelorette party. You point blank say you don't trust your GF and her friends. Therein lies your problem. A relationship can't exist without trust. The fact that you think she will lie to you is another problem. You can't sustain a relationship on lies. I'm not excusing lying but do you play a part in it. If she says I got so drunk last night are you going to pitch a fit? If you get the truth you need to temper your response to it, even when you don't like what you hear. 1
kendahke Posted February 3, 2017 Posted February 3, 2017 I actually don't trust her and her friends, I feel she will tell me one thing and do another. I mean I feel this trust thing always ends up in me challenging my insecurities while she still goes out to do what she wants. Then it makes absolutely no good sense in the world to stay with someone you can't trust. Why are you doing this to yourself? Why would you willfully put yourself in a relationship with someone you can't trust? Yes, she's a grown woman, not your child. She can go and do what she wants to do. Your insecurities are not her heavy lift: they're yours. Whatever baggage from your past you're bringing into this relationship for her to unpack screams that you're not emotionally ready for the rigors of relationship. You might want to go back to being a free agent and working on your past issues which are manifesting in your present and resolve them because no woman who has a healthy sense of herself is going to tolerate unfounded distrust. Take a break from dating and relationships until such a time as you've gotten a grip on your insecurities. 3
Author Joga_31 Posted February 3, 2017 Author Posted February 3, 2017 Then it makes absolutely no good sense in the world to stay with someone you can't trust. Why are you doing this to yourself? Why would you willfully put yourself in a relationship with someone you can't trust? Yes, she's a grown woman, not your child. She can go and do what she wants to do. Your insecurities are not her heavy lift: they're yours. Whatever baggage from your past you're bringing into this relationship for her to unpack screams that you're not emotionally ready for the rigors of relationship. You might want to go back to being a free agent and working on your past issues which are manifesting in your present and resolve them because no woman who has a healthy sense of herself is going to tolerate unfounded distrust. Take a break from dating and relationships until such a time as you've gotten a grip on your insecurities. you should cool down with your response. I mean she has kissed another woman in front of my face while drunk and I have found messages of other guys hiding on her that she spoke to very early on in the relationship. We are now at almost one year.
d0nnivain Posted February 3, 2017 Posted February 3, 2017 you should cool down with your response. I mean she has kissed another woman in front of my face while drunk and I have found messages of other guys hiding on her that she spoke to very early on in the relationship. We are now at almost one year. Those are some pretty good reasons not to trust her so why are you still hanging on? You aren't insecure. She isn't trustworthy. So . . . what's the point?
kendahke Posted February 3, 2017 Posted February 3, 2017 you should cool down with your response. Nope. Not going to happen. This attitude gives a clear picture of the dynamic between the two of you. I mean she has kissed another woman in front of my face while drunk and I have found messages of other guys hiding on her that she spoke to very early on in the relationship. We are now at almost one year. What was her response to these guys a year ago? Has she kept up the correspondence for the past 12 months? I take you're snooping her cell phone on the regular and not telling her--instead of breaking up with her and finding someone else who isn't this messy. 1
Author Joga_31 Posted February 3, 2017 Author Posted February 3, 2017 Joga 31 Going to a pool party, watching a stripper & getting drunk are pretty tame activities for a bachelorette party. You point blank say you don't trust your GF and her friends. Therein lies your problem. A relationship can't exist without trust. The fact that you think she will lie to you is another problem. You can't sustain a relationship on lies. I'm not excusing lying but do you play a part in it. If she says I got so drunk last night are you going to pitch a fit? If you get the truth you need to temper your response to it, even when you don't like what you hear. I guess I will work on my responses, yesterday she told me super excited and when she told me I was not excited rather angry. I didn't yell at her, but I said ok have fun, but she knew something was off she kept pestering at me until she made me spill it out that I hate the idea. Which then did make me angry, because I was trying to control my actual emotion and she continue to harass me. Saying you don't sound happy or excited like 9 million times. We resolved the issue. I mean she is going, so it looks like I have no choice and will need to suck it up and allow her to go. I hope when she comes back she is happy, refreshed is happy to see me and not distant
Author Joga_31 Posted February 3, 2017 Author Posted February 3, 2017 Nope. Not going to happen. This attitude gives a clear picture of the dynamic between the two of you. What was her response to these guys a year ago? Has she kept up the correspondence for the past 12 months? I take you're snooping her cell phone on the regular and not telling her--instead of breaking up with her and finding someone else who isn't this messy. I don't snoop on her no more, because I am trying to build trust. We are doing really good lately, until this bachelorette thing came up.
Author Joga_31 Posted February 3, 2017 Author Posted February 3, 2017 Those are some pretty good reasons not to trust her so why are you still hanging on? You aren't insecure. She isn't trustworthy. So . . . what's the point? she said she was trying to please me, by kissing the other woman, but didn't know that this was boundary and apologized. she begged for me to stay, and since then she hasn't done stuff like this and had measured her drinking and clubbed less.
kendahke Posted February 3, 2017 Posted February 3, 2017 so it looks like I have no choice and will need to suck it up and allow her to go. Unless you're her dad and she's under the age of 18, there is nothing here for you to allow. 3
Author Joga_31 Posted February 3, 2017 Author Posted February 3, 2017 Unless you're her dad and she's under the age of 18, there is nothing here for you to allow. Yes I am the bad guy. I have no reason to feel insecure for her trip.
central Posted February 3, 2017 Posted February 3, 2017 If you don't trust her, break up with her now and save yourself the worry. If you DO trust her, then your response should be, "Of course you need to go to support your friend. I hope you have a wonderful time and help make it special for her. I trust you to behave in ways that respect our relationship." (If she does break boundaries, then you break up. It's pretty simple, IMO.) 2
d0nnivain Posted February 3, 2017 Posted February 3, 2017 You can feel insecure. But you need to tell her how you are feeling. Communicate with the woman. It's ridiculous for her to be upset that you weren't happy she is going away for the weekend. However, you are her BF, not her dad as kendahke pointed out. Your GF is a grown adult. There is nothing for you to "allow". Allow is a loaded word. It implies that you have some control over her decisions & freedom of movement. You don't She is free to make her own decisions. Before she goes on the trip sit her down & calmly discuss things. Explain that her behavior earlier in your relationship left you uncertain. Remind her that you appreciate the fact that she has toned things down as your relationship has progressed. Tell her you care about her but that you have concerns. Ask her what she thinks can be done to help alleviate your concerns. If she throws it back at you & cries about you being insecure rather than giving constructive assurances you have another problem. She may not be committed enough to the relationship to behave reasonably on the trip or to care about where the boundaries are 1
Author Joga_31 Posted February 3, 2017 Author Posted February 3, 2017 If you don't trust her, break up with her now and save yourself the worry. If you DO trust her, then your response should be, "Of course you need to go to support your friend. I hope you have a wonderful time and help make it special for her. I trust you to behave in ways that respect our relationship." (If she does break boundaries, then you break up. It's pretty simple, IMO.) this is what I just sent her now through text message. Took me some time to put myself in her shoes, which is not easy, especially when I have friends saying that I am whipped and let her walk all over me. I figured if my friend was having his bachelor party then, he would want me to go and that though I may watch some strippers myself, and be tempted I dont think I have the conscious to sleep with another woman. So I expect her to feel the same.
Author Joga_31 Posted February 3, 2017 Author Posted February 3, 2017 You can feel insecure. But you need to tell her how you are feeling. Communicate with the woman. It's ridiculous for her to be upset that you weren't happy she is going away for the weekend. However, you are her BF, not her dad as kendahke pointed out. Your GF is a grown adult. There is nothing for you to "allow". Allow is a loaded word. It implies that you have some control over her decisions & freedom of movement. You don't She is free to make her own decisions. Before she goes on the trip sit her down & calmly discuss things. Explain that her behavior earlier in your relationship left you uncertain. Remind her that you appreciate the fact that she has toned things down as your relationship has progressed. Tell her you care about her but that you have concerns. Ask her what she thinks can be done to help alleviate your concerns. If she throws it back at you & cries about you being insecure rather than giving constructive assurances you have another problem. She may not be committed enough to the relationship to behave reasonably on the trip or to care about where the boundaries are Yes I thought it was kind of ridiculous too her reaction of me being upset. I will talk to her about boundaries in Vegas calmly. I don't like arguing with her it seriously drains me and in fact I could not sleep properly =( because I went to sleep angry. (only 4 hours of sleep) I do love my girlfriend.
kendahke Posted February 3, 2017 Posted February 3, 2017 Yes I am the bad guy. I have no reason to feel insecure for her trip. No, you don't, unless you know for certain she can't control her libido, she forgets that she's in a relationship with you and she's easily led into the bed of other men.
Author Joga_31 Posted February 3, 2017 Author Posted February 3, 2017 (edited) No, you don't, unless you know for certain she can't control her libido, she forgets that she's in a relationship with you and she's easily led into the bed of other men. Ok kendahke. I will listen to what has been said on the forum Edited February 3, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator merged posts ~6
OatsAndHall Posted February 3, 2017 Posted February 3, 2017 Well, you've said that you don't trust her or her friends so I think you have your answer. You can't demand that she not go and you can't control what she does while she is there so the best you can do is voice your concerns. However, you will have to tell her that you don't trust her or her friends which will pretty much end up being a make-or-break conversation. I was engaged to a woman in my early twenties who liked to drink hard and heavy with her friends. I didn't care for this as people tend to make poor choices when they drink too much (myself included).. We had several arguments about it while we were together. She ended up getting black-out drunk one night and sleeping with another guy. That was the end of that relationship. Since then, I have been leery of women who drink heavily or have a history of doing so.
preraph Posted February 3, 2017 Posted February 3, 2017 This tells me more about you than it does about her. You assume she will be tempted to cheat because YOU would be tempted to cheat under those circumstances. You should be relieved to know that women, unlike many men, are not all looking for a cheating opportunity. My mother always said if someone always thinks you're cheating when you're not, it's because THEY are cheating. 1
venusishername Posted February 3, 2017 Posted February 3, 2017 (edited) My girlfriend is going to Las Vegas for a friend's bachelorette to Las Vegas for 3 nights. I hate the idea, but it does not matter what I say to her she is still going. I feel like I am being walked all over or am I being insecure? she says she just wants to make her friend happy and be with her in this important event. You are being insecure, and also immature. No offense with the immaturity comment because I used to be the same way, when I was younger. An adult and mature relationship leaves little room to be worried about a bachelorette or bachelor weekend. A male stripper show is usually far more pure and tame than sleazy female strippers who are basically offering sex on bachelor weekends I've heard of. Also, your comment about "allowing" her to go, combined with your mistrust of her and her friends, is reason enough for me to say that you are acting insecure (because you asked in your first post), and also are acting immaturely. No reason to be in a relationship where you can't trust the person you're with. You have a choice. Do you want to trust her or not? If not, leave. If you do, trust her. You're not the victim. Edited February 3, 2017 by venusishername 3
Wait Posted February 3, 2017 Posted February 3, 2017 I think it's normal to be hesitant about a significant other going to Vegas - especially having only been together a year. I went to vegas for 5 days for a bachelor party and my girlfriend didn't throw too much of a fuss, but she definitely wasn't happy about it. But to be honest, when my friends and I got there, we wanted to all just have fun with each other and celebrate my best friend. Sure we snapped a few bills under a g-string or two and drank a little too much, but not one of us (out 12 guys) even came close to cheating on their girl. 4
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