wmacbride Posted February 3, 2017 Posted February 3, 2017 As a former bs myself, I understand how difficult reconciling can be. I look at it from my own perspective, but base don some comments on have read in threads on here, it can be different for men. If you are a man who's wife had an R ( or a gay man who husband had an A) what was your reconciliation like? What did you find helpful and, just as importantly, what did you find less helpful or even a hindrance? What words of advice do you have for bh and also their ws about the reconciliation process? If you are a bh who recently found out about the A, what questions do you have for those guys who have " been there/done that"? Please note- I'm asking for input from men who have either reconciled or are considering doing so. While I know that R isn't right for everyone and for some, D is a far better option, that's not the topic of this thread.
Overtaxed Posted February 3, 2017 Posted February 3, 2017 As a former bs myself, I understand how difficult reconciling can be. I look at it from my own perspective, but base don some comments on have read in threads on here, it can be different for men. If you are a man who's wife had an R ( or a gay man who husband had an A) what was your reconciliation like? What did you find helpful and, just as importantly, what did you find less helpful or even a hindrance? What words of advice do you have for bh and also their ws about the reconciliation process? If you are a bh who recently found out about the A, what questions do you have for those guys who have " been there/done that"? Please note- I'm asking for input from men who have either reconciled or are considering doing so. While I know that R isn't right for everyone and for some, D is a far better option, that's not the topic of this thread. Well, I'm mired in the process right now, but I'm trying to R, so, I'll give you my 2 cents. They may not even be worth that. For me, the absolute must is honesty. If she's not being, or can't get totally honest, I will not be able to R. I'm also the type that needs to know the details. Not "play by play" but, probably more than most would want to know; where did it happen, where was I, how many times, protection and sexual acts. I know that I might blow up my marriage by asking some of these questions, but, at the same time, I can't live without knowing and just sweep it under the rug. I have to know, in my mind, what I'm being asked to forgive. What's a hindrance? Lies. Lies are so toxic right now it's ridiculous. Also, gaslighting or downplaying things. Trickle truth. It's all like a festering wound that gets poked at every time it happens. If you want to R, you have to see the A for what it was, a meaningless tryst, and move the AP from "lover" to "loser". It has to happen, if the WS is still thinking "he was a nice guy", it's not going to work. 2
road Posted February 4, 2017 Posted February 4, 2017 Regret never getting the truth. Not having the answers to my questions has kept me from leaving what happened in the past in the past. Instead not knowing who the OM was and less then 5% of what happened has kept recovery stalled and us living life less than what it could be. Do not accept trickle truth is my advice. 1
DKT3 Posted February 4, 2017 Posted February 4, 2017 My journey was different than most. I divorced, spent several years apart, dated other women even tell in love with one. Then we got back together. We had a delayed R. Time had passed and much of the pain had dulled. I agree that information is paramount. Not so much that you get it from her but that she is willing and ready to share it. For women affairs are rarely about physical intimacy but an emotional connection. If that connection remains strong it makes her less willing to share the information because some if not most of her loyalty is still with AP. It's an unwillingness to let it/him go. My advice is look out for yourself. Coming off of an affair she isn't really on your team and her best interest isn't likely your best interest. Don't fear standing up for yourself or taking strong actions. Don't be bullied by the "your controlling" be. We have been conditioned to, as men, to bend over backwards to avoid this. Setting boundaries and making it clear what you won't accept is never controlling. Just like you, she can opt out at any point. If I had it to do over I would have processed directly to divorce, detach and move forward. I spent 14 months in a self contained prison, fear and doubt kept me there. It also sent the message that I accepted her Be so she kept feeding it to me. 14 months of losing weight, emotions on high, 14 months of my life wasted. It's a huge regret. I'm not saying all BH should jump right to divorce, what I'm saying is I knew it's what I had to do for me, but I feared it, I feared what my time with my kids would look like. I feared not finding someone else, I feared her finding someone else. Fun I feared everything. What I'm saying is do what's best for you, if she loves you and wants to make it work she will adjust and do it. If not you're not wasting your time and pain shopping. 1
mightycpa Posted February 4, 2017 Posted February 4, 2017 Interesting. Can one be a "former" BS? Isn't that like being a "former" mother? Perhaps that is the first step towards healing.. knowing that you can't go back.
Author wmacbride Posted February 4, 2017 Author Posted February 4, 2017 Interesting. Can one be a "former" BS? Isn't that like being a "former" mother? Perhaps that is the first step towards healing.. knowing that you can't go back. I see it as being a crappy experience that was a long time ago ( almost a decade now) and I am not going to define myself as a current bs anymore- I hope that makes sense.
Sweetfish Posted February 4, 2017 Posted February 4, 2017 As a former bs myself, I understand how difficult reconciling can be. I look at it from my own perspective, but base don some comments on have read in threads on here, it can be different for men. If you are a man who's wife had an R ( or a gay man who husband had an A) what was your reconciliation like? What did you find helpful and, just as importantly, what did you find less helpful or even a hindrance? What words of advice do you have for bh and also their ws about the reconciliation process? If you are a bh who recently found out about the A, what questions do you have for those guys who have " been there/done that"? Please note- I'm asking for input from men who have either reconciled or are considering doing so. While I know that R isn't right for everyone and for some, D is a far better option, that's not the topic of this thread. does this have to be a marriage... what about bf/gf? Is your question only based on divorce?
Author wmacbride Posted February 7, 2017 Author Posted February 7, 2017 does this have to be a marriage... what about bf/gf? Is your question only based on divorce? So long as it's on topic, I welcome you sharing your story. Was it a long term, committed relationship?
Recommended Posts