GeorgeWP93 Posted February 3, 2017 Posted February 3, 2017 The question is in the title you don't need to read my story/rant I'm just curious... It's just dawned on me that I actually can't get past the honeymoon period... Most of my friends have been in at least one relationship from school that lasted at least a couple of years then dated around and then settled down again and have been together for a year or two. I'm only 23 but for one reason or another they've left before the honeymoon period ended orrrrr as it ended. A couple, the ex boyfriend realised she had moved on and they've come crawling back and me who's only been with them a couple months can't compete with the emotional attachment the ex has. A couple we've got to the end of the honeymoon period, in my opinion, they've withdrawn, one was my fault and I got clingy but nothing ridiculous but we learn, and it was only because she suddenly withdrew. Another, as far as I was concerned was perfect, nothing wrong, it had become comfortable, I could sit round her house with her family in my pjs but we still had a holiday planned, evenings out, just the two of us and with friends before I got a 'I'm not happy, the sparks gone' after six months. Fair enough but straight up unhappy?! I'm not judgemental, clingy, needy, insecure, I'm busy, I'm thoughtful, sex was good, she just wasn't feeling it anymore. There could be more to that one as she was in a nine year relationship before me even though she was always open and honest and ignored the few texts he sent her and her friends. She always spoke about it and this only happened within the first month or two. I've had to dump girls as well but usually after a few dates, because I'm not feeling it but definetely not after establishing a connection and a relationship. I'm different to a lot of people around here, I want more in life than 'Netflix and Chill' my job is one of the better ones, probably the best in my friendship circle and I enjoy it although I have to admit it's not fulfilling in anyway whatsoever. I struggle to accept that life is, work hard, do a job you don't particularly enjoy, pay your bills, go to the same restaurant every Tuesday, have 5 minutes of missionairy on a Wednesday at half 9 and repetiveness. Doesn't mean I don't enjoy down time, I just like to have fun and experience new places. So back to my original question... am I not meeting the right people, is it something I subconsciously do, or do people irrationally just expect the butterfly's and excitement for years?
PLT Posted February 3, 2017 Posted February 3, 2017 So back to my original question... am I not meeting the right people, is it something I subconsciously do, or do people irrationally just expect the butterfly's and excitement for years? I would say both. The honeymoon period is when the sparks are flying. When the honeymoon period ends, as it always will, the relationship then either needs to be something deeper and more meaningful than just a "spark", or it needs to end. Some people really do believe that once that spark has gone, they should just move on to the next spark. My ex did the whole 180 thing as the honeymoon wore off, and we are in our 40s. It took 3 years for the honeymoon period to wear off but when it did, it all came crashing down at an alarming rate. It's not just young people that have completely unrealistic expectations from a long term relationship.
coolheadal Posted February 3, 2017 Posted February 3, 2017 Stop and rethink what you just said here? "Your not meeting the right kind of people" This could be the way you meeting them and going about it might need to change your approach about it. There isn't a right or wrong way, kind of confusing but with each own way we all tend to be who we all want to be in these new dates that we hope could lead for more. Relationships are tough because two of you have to agree and click emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. If that doesn't happen then there is no hope that the relationship is going to continue. You are open-minded but you don't want the same way over and over you want something better than life itself but the only problem with that is what about her and what about you. We all want more but it's not happening the way we want then there are other factors to consider that play into this web of puzzles and figuring out why things are not going right with us. Sure there are times you find yourself with the wrong type of person. That's why you have the freedom of choice. You can do whatever want until you find the right person to be with, have fun, enjoy, be playful enjoy, be truly in love (all levels) and most of all be yourself!
Author GeorgeWP93 Posted February 3, 2017 Author Posted February 3, 2017 I would say both. The honeymoon period is when the sparks are flying. When the honeymoon period ends, as it always will, the relationship then either needs to be something deeper and more meaningful than just a "spark", or it needs to end. Some people really do believe that once that spark has gone, they should just move on to the next spark. My ex did the whole 180 thing as the honeymoon wore off, and we are in our 40s. It took 3 years for the honeymoon period to wear off but when it did, it all came crashing down at an alarming rate. It's not just young people that have completely unrealistic expectations from a long term relationship. Do you think it is unrealistic expectations? Of all my relationships that have ended, none have been because of conflicting, I've never argued in a relationship, not because I won't, if a woman had a go at me for leaving the toilet seat up or something I would argue back but I've never even had a confrontation over something. Only a couple, once I broke a bed just by kneeling on it and she got angry, I just said I'll sort it, it was an accident, calm down, why wouldn't I fix it, no big deal. Another girl had a bit of a go at me for fidgeting in my sleep once when I was hungover, it literally happened once but she was being lighthearted, I had a bit of banter about it, apologised, said I couldn't help it and move on.
coolheadal Posted February 3, 2017 Posted February 3, 2017 Expectations are not met these women can't coupe with snoring, movement in the bed all sorts of things No one can be still in a bed even if you had a perfect night sleep. Some might have to get up to go to the toilet. Some women can't coupe and either get up and move into another bedroom or living room couch and leave you to be on your own. Sometimes you can't deal with that fact. I say these types just not for you. You take the punches and you get dealt the hand. Just have to pull in your gut and move on to the next one comes around that can put up with all your behavioral moves.
hercules22 Posted February 3, 2017 Posted February 3, 2017 there also some women out there that have to much expectations
Author GeorgeWP93 Posted February 3, 2017 Author Posted February 3, 2017 I hate dating, I went out tonight, I'm just in and all of the women I spoke to and saw, I don't even have the interest in seeing one of them again. There are so many women out there and the positions I put myself in, none of them are any interest to me. I have to vent on here otherwise I will text me ex and what good does that do?
PLT Posted February 4, 2017 Posted February 4, 2017 (edited) Do you think it is unrealistic expectations? Of all my relationships that have ended, none have been because of conflicting, I've never argued in a relationship, not because I won't, if a woman had a go at me for leaving the toilet seat up or something I would argue back but I've never even had a confrontation over something. Only a couple, once I broke a bed just by kneeling on it and she got angry, I just said I'll sort it, it was an accident, calm down, why wouldn't I fix it, no big deal. Another girl had a bit of a go at me for fidgeting in my sleep once when I was hungover, it literally happened once but she was being lighthearted, I had a bit of banter about it, apologised, said I couldn't help it and move on. I can only speak from my personal experience obviously, but yes, she had completely unrealistic expectations of me, that were always changing. I don't think my ex is the norm though. She would say she wanted me to do more or less of something and if it was reasonable I would work on it. But then she'd moan about it in the other direction. For example. Something as simple as how often I bought her flowers became an exercise of fruitlessly trying to find a sweet spot that didn't exist, as soon as I hit that sweet spot, it would change. "I don't really like flowers, they're cheesy", to "You don't buy me flowers often enough!", to "Well you buy me flowers so much now that its lost its effect", to "Wheres my flowers? You always bring me flowers!" When you start to get confused by something as simple as that, you can imagine what it was like trying to deal with more serious issues when there was always a similar pattern to flower-gate. Some people are just NEVER satisfied, and some people LIKE things never getting resolved because it gives them power in the relationship. If it's not resolved they can pull it out of the hat at any time to get you to comply with whatever it is they want that day. Edited February 4, 2017 by PLT
Gaeta Posted February 4, 2017 Posted February 4, 2017 I can relate to your situation. I have had several micro-relationships before meeting my bf. In my case I was A) picking the wrong men to date B) Ignoring too many red flags from beginning. You said you are not the kind of man to pick a fight and your past relationships were pretty calm. It doesn't mean there were no red flags to pay attention to. Obviously these women were less into you than you were into them. If you were the one always stepping down, keeping the peace, making compromises than that tells you you were not in a viable relationship.
Author GeorgeWP93 Posted February 4, 2017 Author Posted February 4, 2017 I can relate to your situation. I have had several micro-relationships before meeting my bf. In my case I was A) picking the wrong men to date B) Ignoring too many red flags from beginning. You said you are not the kind of man to pick a fight and your past relationships were pretty calm. It doesn't mean there were no red flags to pay attention to. Obviously these women were less into you than you were into them. If you were the one always stepping down, keeping the peace, making compromises than that tells you you were not in a viable relationship. There are always red flags but I don't over complicate relationships, my last relationship was with a girl 9 months out of a 9 year relationship which was probably too soon for her but what am I supposed to do? Break it off with someone i click with because 6 months down the line when the initial infatuation wears off she will break up with me? I had addressed that maybe it was too soon for her, she told me that she wasn't really bothered by the break up because it had been coming. Maybe another red flag that she can be unaffected by a 9 year relationship but again, I had clicked with someone I had randomly met, no effort, it just worked. And arguments, it's not that I back down it's that they don't happen, it never gets to that point. Compromises yes I make but if a girl has plans that include me and I don't want to go or do them then I won't. She cancelled on a plan with me and my friends so when I saw her I made sure I told her it was out of order and she could have told me days before if she didn't want to go and it made me look stupid, she apologised, I accept, move on.
Gaeta Posted February 4, 2017 Posted February 4, 2017 There are always red flags but I don't over complicate relationships, my last relationship was with a girl 9 months out of a 9 year relationship which was probably too soon for her but what am I supposed to do? Break it off with someone i click with because 6 months down the line when the initial infatuation wears off she will break up with me? I had addressed that maybe it was too soon for her, she told me that she wasn't really bothered by the break up because it had been coming. I have fallen in that trap myself. You simply do not enter relationships with women recently out of relationships, and 9 months out of a 9 year relationship is too soon. Of course she will assure you she's moved on, and she probably believed she had moved on, but YOU know better. I came across very interesting men and felt attraction but I'd simply not pursue it with them because ' I know better' than to fall in that trap. Don't believe people just cause they say something. Use your own judgement. Maybe another red flag that she can be unaffected by a 9 year relationship but again, I had clicked with someone I had randomly met, no effort, it just worked. It's not because you 'click' with someone that it makes them datable. Stay away from those people recently out of relationship.
Author GeorgeWP93 Posted February 4, 2017 Author Posted February 4, 2017 (edited) I have fallen in that trap myself. You simply do not enter relationships with women recently out of relationships, and 9 months out of a 9 year relationship is too soon. Of course she will assure you she's moved on, and she probably believed she had moved on, but YOU know better. I came across very interesting men and felt attraction but I'd simply not pursue it with them because ' I know better' than to fall in that trap. Don't believe people just cause they say something. Use your own judgement. It's not because you 'click' with someone that it makes them datable. Stay away from those people recently out of relationship. Weird thing is she still follows me on instagram and I can't go on her profile to block her cos I don't want to look lol The older you get, who isn't just out of a relationship? If they haven't had a long relationship, is that a red flag that they're perhaps emotionally unavailable. The other girls who had potential with me, not so much I admit but they had straight up lied to me about having lingering feelings for anybody else so that was unavoidable. The other one was just a bit ridiculous to be honest, I don't even know what went on with her, I guess it just didn't work out, we just had a weeekend away where everything went wrong, came back and it was done. She had a go at me for being indecisive because I got her to pick a burger off the menu to surprise me, then moaned that I didn't even want to go over to hers to talk about it, even though all day I said I would bring wine and we could chill in the hot tub that evening. I know some relationships are destined for failure but it seems even the ones that are destined for success fail for me. And surely you've got to feel that initial chemistry to date someone? Do I have to knock it on the head as soon as they show red flags? Edited February 4, 2017 by GeorgeWP93
Gaeta Posted February 4, 2017 Posted February 4, 2017 The older you get, who isn't just out of a relationship? If they haven't had a long relationship, is that a red flag that they're perhaps emotionally unavailable. People are out of relationships at any age. What you are looking for is someone that is not recently just out of a relationship. The word recently has a different meaning depending how long people dated. On average they (psychology) say it takes about 25% of the time you spent in a relationship to get over it. It would mean if you date someone 4 months than give yourself 1 full month before jumping in dating again. And it means if you dated someone 4 years you shouldn't be entering a serious relationship for an entire year. Your ex-gf should have waited a good 2 years before entering a serious relationship. Sure they can date but they should not enter exclusive relationships. And surely you've got to feel that initial chemistry to date someone? Do I have to knock it on the head as soon as they show red flags? Depends on the red flag. Disrespect and inconsideration: 0 chances - end the relationship right there. Respect and consideration is something we should have for everyone, if she can't have that for a man she date than don't even think about it twice, end it. Sure sometimes we give second chances to little flags like the person is late, a phone call was not returned, a day with a bad mood, etc. There are several threads on chemistry here. Some call it a spark, some chemistry. A lot of those relationships that starts on a 'spark' don't make it to the 3rd month. Because it's just that 'a spark' and it's not based on ingredients necessary to make a relationship work like: compatibility, common interest, common goals, respect of each other and a bunch of other things. Sparks 'instant chemistry' is something that has an expiration date and once that expiration date is reached if you don't have the *compatibility * common interests * common goals * respect than it all falls apart. So instead of seeking an instant spark or chemistry why not search for attraction and compatibility. Then you date this person and let your feelings develop as you learn to get to know her. I always went for spark and chemistry and that is why I collected gazillions of micro-relationships. Than the day I decided to date 'smart' I met my bf. When I met him he had qualities I liked, he was well presented but there was no spark or chemistry. I accepted a second date, and a third, and as I discovered what a nice man he was I started liking him more an more and soon I was crazy about him and we're dating 13 months now.
Author GeorgeWP93 Posted February 4, 2017 Author Posted February 4, 2017 People are out of relationships at any age. What you are looking for is someone that is not recently just out of a relationship. The word recently has a different meaning depending how long people dated. On average they (psychology) say it takes about 25% of the time you spent in a relationship to get over it. It would mean if you date someone 4 months than give yourself 1 full month before jumping in dating again. And it means if you dated someone 4 years you shouldn't be entering a serious relationship for an entire year. Your ex-gf should have waited a good 2 years before entering a serious relationship. Sure they can date but they should not enter exclusive relationships. Depends on the red flag. Disrespect and inconsideration: 0 chances - end the relationship right there. Respect and consideration is something we should have for everyone, if she can't have that for a man she date than don't even think about it twice, end it. Sure sometimes we give second chances to little flags like the person is late, a phone call was not returned, a day with a bad mood, etc. There are several threads on chemistry here. Some call it a spark, some chemistry. A lot of those relationships that starts on a 'spark' don't make it to the 3rd month. Because it's just that 'a spark' and it's not based on ingredients necessary to make a relationship work like: compatibility, common interest, common goals, respect of each other and a bunch of other things. Sparks 'instant chemistry' is something that has an expiration date and once that expiration date is reached if you don't have the *compatibility * common interests * common goals * respect than it all falls apart. So instead of seeking an instant spark or chemistry why not search for attraction and compatibility. Then you date this person and let your feelings develop as you learn to get to know her. I always went for spark and chemistry and that is why I collected gazillions of micro-relationships. Than the day I decided to date 'smart' I met my bf. When I met him he had qualities I liked, he was well presented but there was no spark or chemistry. I accepted a second date, and a third, and as I discovered what a nice man he was I started liking him more an more and soon I was crazy about him and we're dating 13 months now. I get that completely but I go out with a hell of a lot of people who it just repulsed me thought of going out with them again, even if on paper they were a pretty good match. I like independent women and I've just realised why I messed up with the last girl, although I'm not needy or insecure I was just too involved in her life, saw her too much even though she asked, planned too much and she probably felt smothered, she still could have just mentioned it. I saw on her instagram some post about liking to be alone and that when you see her you aren't competing with anybody else you're competeing with her comfort zone.
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