dumbass2 Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 If I was this guy and you weren't able to meet up within a week or so of coming into contact, I would have been done. That's a huge red flag. People are on a dating site. If you're not ready to date, don't be on there. If someone tells me that they have too much going on and are taking down their profile, I might take that that they are married, have a boyfriend or just met someone else and might want to try and keep me around in case things don't work out or they have some lingering baggage that I just don't want to deal with. For me, a lot about dating is about momentum. This is what happens with online dating. I would never agree to become someones text or email companion while waiting to see if she is ever able to meet with me. I tend to think he might be a little desperate which I don't think bodes well for a future relationship. Most secure men, I believe, would not hang in there like he has.
olivetree Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 once again..someone is misunderstanding something here..he even admitted to me that he was in a fantasy about me originally and even apologized for getting too carried away originally since he built me up in his mind so much...so yes, he was in a fantasy about me and admits it himself. The only reason why we are back in contact is because he apologized for doing that to me and I was honest about my condition to him. ..so yes, he WAS in a fantasy about me and admits it himself. You're both in a fantasy. Until you meet, you don't know each other. The propensity to build each other up to be something neither of you are is a very real aspect of the situation that is hard to avoid. The only way to know if he is truly okay with your condition and actually into you as a person is to meet. No way around it. Chumly, break your pattern of talking to guys you've never met and stop making excuses for not meeting up. No matter how busy you are, you have an hour to meet this guy. It's the same as going to the gym vs. sitting on the couch. You just have to get up and do it, even if you don't feel like it. Otherwise you'll always be exactly where you are now. 3
elaine567 Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 This man knows about your severe OCD, anxiety and depression, he knows you are vulnerable, so just be very careful here. 4
Zahara Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 This man knows about your severe OCD, anxiety and depression, he knows you are vulnerable, so just be very careful here. ^^ This ^^ Oversharing can sometimes attract people that will only prey on those vulnerabilities. 1
Miss Spider Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 he wants a gf, not a person to text long messages back and forth to indefinitely. you two don't seem compatible.
lurker74 Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 I get that you couldn't meet with him and I get that he agreed to still communicate with you, but to not meet with him for weeks (months?) and wonder why he doesn't seem overly interested in you is so mindbogglingly illogical that I wouldn't know where to start. And I don't say that to be mean or harsh but, for instance... Have you considered that here's a guy presumably busy but still interested enough in a woman enough to respond to emails and state that he wants you as a girlfriend (kinda sorta)?!?! Honestly, 98% of men, myself included, would have been gone long ago. The fact that he still has one foot in the door must mean there's some kind of connection. 4
d0nnivain Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 Most people I feel comfortable enough meeting are well aware of my condition prior to me meeting them so there is really no game playing going on whatsoever..they are aware and chose to stick around and want to still meet me. Somebody else also cautioned you but with this additional piece of info I wanted to add my caution. It's lovely that you are open enough to disclose very personal details via on line interactions. Just be aware some folks troll for the vulnerable. Be sure you are sharing the info with trustworthy folks. I'm happy for you that this guy is willing to wait. Hope it all works out 2
Author chumly Posted February 5, 2017 Author Posted February 5, 2017 (edited) thanks..I know you are all just trying to help but like I said before..it take alot more mental preperation for me to meet someone from a dating site then most so to suggest that I meet him or anybody for just an hour is not that simple for me and at this point in my life and with all the stressful things going on I cant meet anybody right now ..I am just not in the right mental place for it at all..so that is why I am not really active with my online profile. Now, in general, sometimes I will be able to go out and simply meet someone fairly quickly. I did so over the summer with someone. It depends on their personality and how we mesh and how comfortable I feel with them. For some reason I am not very comfortable with this man on certain levels so this is playing part of it too...so in addition to my conditions I have alot of hesitations with him too. I am not sure why..I think I may pick up too much desperation or just something being very off with him..almost as if I am not sure if it is really me that he has an interest in or just the fact that I am a female that is willing to talk to him and look past his faults ..., it is a turn off! and something that just does not sinc with my personality in certain ways but yet, I am extremely attracted to him in ways too..it is really strange. I think he has a mental condition of some sort himself..i think that is what i am picking up with him. His moods seem to change very very quickly within conversations...almost like he is bipolar. I also feel like i need to practice meeting people more before I meet him. there are several others that I feel much more comfortable meeting and when i am emotionally ready to meet people again (which should be in a few weeks)... I think I am better off meeting them first just to kind of practice before meeting this man. I almost feel like I have to work my way up to meeting him due to all the anxiety I feel like it would cause me at this point. I think one of the problems is that i developed a strange infactuation with him in my mind since we have talked for almost a year ( but not consistently) now without ever meeting. I think I built him up so much that if he rejects me I am not sure how I would handle it. I think it would hurt more if he rejects me than anybody else that i am in communication with at this point. I think this is the crust of my problem here with him. I have gotten a little better with it but I still have these feelings for him that are feeding into my condition somehow. I am sure most of this does not make any sense. I am kind of talking to myself as I talk on here because I am so confused about things with him. Anyway, after he said he would wait for however long is needed to meet me I sent him a bunch of really really long emails and he gave me a brief response and said he would get back with me later but so far he has not. I am going to just completely back off..i will respond if he messages me but I wont really initiate anything until I am ready to meet him...I dont want to be unfair to him but I need to watch out for myself too. It would not be a fun experience to meet him and have an emotional breakdown if it does not go right..I cant afford to deal with something like that right now. I feel bad that I did this to him for so long and we spoke for so long without ever meeting but at least he now knows about my condition so that should explain alot to him. dOnnivain...thanks for the sweet and kind message back. I hope it all works out the best for him and i as well..whether we are meant to be together or not. Thanks;) Edited February 5, 2017 by chumly
E3ZY219 Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 He doesn't have to sit around and wait for you. You illustrated the point that you are not interested by saying that, so he did what any non-desperate man would do: move on.
PinkPampies Posted February 6, 2017 Posted February 6, 2017 (edited) Op, no disrespect here but your posts have so. Much. Drama. ... all from men you communicate with online with the hopes of maybe dating, but just as friends to start, with no expectations. The problem is these are not relationships. Not friendships. If I were to offer advice:stop online dating. It is doing you no good at all. You're leading men on, be it intentionally or unintentionally. You ALWAYS seem to get the same result - not in your favor. You're doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result. That's the definition of insanity. It's very very unhealthy, op. I hope you can see that. Get some therapy. I'm sure they'll tel you to quit the online dating. MYbe get to the root cause of your insecurities. Because from what I've read, you absolutely need to fix yourself before you can expect to have a relationship with someone. Get some more hobbies to occupy your time. Go out with friends. Perhaps you'll meet an actual real person while you're out and about. Good luck. Edited February 6, 2017 by PinkPampies 3
Author chumly Posted February 6, 2017 Author Posted February 6, 2017 Op, no disrespect here but your posts have so. Much. Drama. ... all from men you communicate with online with the hopes of maybe dating, but just as friends to start, with no expectations. The problem is these are not relationships. Not friendships. If I were to offer advice:stop online dating. It is doing you no good at all. You're leading men on, be it intentionally or unintentionally. You ALWAYS seem to get the same result - not in your favor. You're doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result. That's the definition of insanity. It's very very unhealthy, op. I hope you can see that. Get some therapy. I'm sure they'll tel you to quit the online dating. MYbe get to the root cause of your insecurities. Because from what I've read, you absolutely need to fix yourself before you can expect to have a relationship with someone. Get some more hobbies to occupy your time. Go out with friends. Perhaps you'll meet an actual real person while you're out and about. Good luck. Thanks but apparently you did not read my entire post..because I have stated several times now that I HAVE deactivated my online dating account for now! This is a person that I have met prior to deactivating it. However, I will eventually resume online dating when I am done with all the other stressors in my life which should be within the next few weeks..and the reason for that is because I actually HAVE had tremendous success in the past with online dating..I have had several long term relationships that developed via online so my experiences have been good for the most part..so I will continue to use that method to meet people in addition to meet ups and things like that. Thanks..I know you are just trying to help but I guess you did not read where I said that numerous times.
salparadise Posted February 6, 2017 Posted February 6, 2017 (edited) I told him that I am not ready to meet anybody right now but should be in the next few weeks. I deactivated my online profile due to this as well. ....but if he felt this way about me I would think he would have been much more receptive to my romantic message to him. The bottom line is that based on his lack of responses to me I dont think he is that interested in me.. I guess I am getting tired of the short one line responses when I am sending him long messages. I kind of take that to mean he is not really that interested so that is why I sent him the good luck message. I would love others thoughts here...was I right to do this? does it sound like he was not really that interested? A perfect example–– the fundamental problem with online dating. La la land, over-the-top expectation, disney movie scenarios... the only thing real is the computer and keyboard itself. Wondering if he's into you? All he knows is that you are reticent as hell. What is it with women thinking that a man is supposed to be so highly motivated right off the bat anyway? As if love at first sight, oh that's right there has been no first sight yet, is the ultimate truth or something. Unh! I am a first message guy –– if the woman is within reasonable driving distance, and assuming that she has expressed some interest (liked, messaged, profile views, etc.) I will ask her to meet in the first message. If I get the runaround I'm done. I am absolutely not going to jump through hoops to get to a first meeting with a woman whose grasp on reality is tenuous at best. Just meet the guy for christ's sake... kiss him and see if it makes you wet. Edited February 6, 2017 by salparadise
PrettyEmily77 Posted February 6, 2017 Posted February 6, 2017 (edited) This man knows about your severe OCD, anxiety and depression, he knows you are vulnerable, so just be very careful here. Exactly. Connection or not, I'm more likely to question the motives and background of a guy who is prepared and willing to wait a whole year to meet someone for the first time, especially when he knows that person is vulnerable - my instinct tells me that's because he doesn't have that many irons in the fire for good reason. The fact you have your own reservations about him and are picking up bad vibes is more concerning than anything else, really. So far, he's just a guy you're talking to and meeting him might be a massive letdown - please bear that in mind. Edited February 6, 2017 by PrettyEmily77 3
Author chumly Posted February 6, 2017 Author Posted February 6, 2017 Exactly. Connection or not, I'm more likely to question the motives and background of a guy who is prepared and willing to wait a whole year to meet someone for the first time, especially when he knows that person is vulnerable - my instinct tells me that's because he doesn't have that many irons in the fire for good reason. The fact you have your own reservations about him and are picking up bad vibes is more concerning than anything else, really. So far, he's just a guy you're talking to and meeting him might be a massive letdown - please bear that in mind. thanks so much!! In all fairness to him though...he has not just waited around for me the entire year..we lost contact a few times and he went out with others since he and I first started talking. He just contacts me every now and then and we go through spurts where we talk again back and forth for a little while. He of course tries to get me to meet him and I just have my reservations about him so I have not done so yet and now in addition I have a bunch of stressors going on so I am not wanting to meet anybody right now..let alone someone that I am so indecisive about..it just would not be a good idea for me considering my mental state right now. However, in a few weeks from now when I should hopefully be past some of my biggest stressors (like finding a new place to live, etc)..I will hopefully be in a better place emotionally to meet people and would then possibly be willing to take a chance at meeting him ..as long as he still wants to by then but anyway but yes, I totally agree that there is something off with him but yet I am attracted to him in certain ways at the same time. However, it looks as though our emails have died down to each other once again so maybe we will just reconnect in a few weeks or maybe not...I will just see what happens and decide from there. For now I decided not to really message him unless he messages me first. anyway, thanks for the insight and your thoughts on this. I appreciate it.
PrettyEmily77 Posted February 6, 2017 Posted February 6, 2017 thanks so much!! In all fairness to him though...he has not just waited around for me the entire year..we lost contact a few times and he went out with others since he and I first started talking. He just contacts me every now and then and we go through spurts where we talk again back and forth for a little while. He of course tries to get me to meet him and I just have my reservations about him so I have not done so yet and now in addition I have a bunch of stressors going on so I am not wanting to meet anybody right now..let alone someone that I am so indecisive about..it just would not be a good idea for me considering my mental state right now. However, in a few weeks from now when I should hopefully be past some of my biggest stressors (like finding a new place to live, etc)..I will hopefully be in a better place emotionally to meet people and would then possibly be willing to take a chance at meeting him ..as long as he still wants to by then but anyway but yes, I totally agree that there is something off with him but yet I am attracted to him in certain ways at the same time. However, it looks as though our emails have died down to each other once again so maybe we will just reconnect in a few weeks or maybe not...I will just see what happens and decide from there. For now I decided not to really message him unless he messages me first. anyway, thanks for the insight and your thoughts on this. I appreciate it. No worries . With regards to the bolded, this is what he tells you - this may well be true, but... 1
Author chumly Posted February 6, 2017 Author Posted February 6, 2017 (edited) No worries . With regards to the bolded, this is what he tells you - this may well be true, but... yes, that is very true! and yes, I so agree about there being something strange about him. I know some on here seem to think I should run out the door to meet people from these sights but given the description I have made of this man I am glad that at least some understand my dilemma and in addition to that i have my own emotional baggage to deal with too and even more so right now at this point in my life. Now, if I did not have these added stressors I may take my chances to meet him and like I said, may still do so in a few weeks if he reconnects with me again at that point. When I am on the dating sites I am on there to meet people and not hide behind the computer forever, despite what people on here seem to think so if him and I reconnect in a few weeks when I am more ready to meet people I will likely meet him as long as the connection via emails and phone calls at that point go okay enough. The other problem is that him and I do not talk on the phone very much and that is all on HIM...many times he is just not in the mood to talk on the phone. However, I do prefer to chat on the phone several times before meeting people ..and if I lose contact with someone and reconnect with them I expect to talk to them on the phone again at that point since I feel alot more can be picked up about a persons attitude via phone calls then just emails but yet getting him to talk on the phone is like pulling teeth..so alot of this is not just on me. I even offered to do skype with him in the hopes of having an even more personal conversation but he was not receptive about that either. so anyway, as you can see this is not just a one sided thing..he has not always been the most receptive to my suggestions either. Anyway, thanks so much for the feedback once again..and I agree..it is difficult to know what to believe with people online sometimes.:)it is always best to stay on the side of caution which i try my best to do. Most dont know my real name, real email or FB until they meet me. thanks again Edited February 6, 2017 by chumly 1
Author chumly Posted February 6, 2017 Author Posted February 6, 2017 Is this dude the broke dude? no ..this person I never met as of yet ...but coincidentally he is broke too...:rolleyes: I attract alot of broke men i think due to the stuff I say in my profile about not caring about money. ..when I reactivate my profile I will probably change the wording. Thanks:bunny:
kendahke Posted February 6, 2017 Posted February 6, 2017 no ..this person I never met as of yet ...but coincidentally he is broke too...:rolleyes: I attract alot of broke men i think due to the stuff I say in my profile about not caring about money. ..when I reactivate my profile I will probably change the wording. Thanks:bunny: Yeah, I'd take that out of the profile and just live those words. Let them be pleasantly surprised, like that other guy you mentioned upthread.
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