chumly Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 would like a quick opinion on something.. there is this man I have been talking to from online dating for a while now.We have never met but He has been wanting to meet me but I have been going through alot in life right now so I told him that I am not ready to meet anybody right now but should be in the next few weeks. I deactivated my online profile due to this as well. anyway, I gave him the option that we could just reconnect again when I am ready or continue to chat with each other..he seemed to be interested in continuing to chat with me with this in mind. however, I will send him rather long conversational emails and he will usually respond back but sometimes he wont and sometimes it will be very brief and short messages back. He claims he is very busy all the time working on some project. I sent him a somewhat romantic message telling him that i was taking a nap and wondering if I would dream of him but I barely got a response back. He told me when he is working on his project he gets very focused and cant really concentrate on anything else..so maybe that is what has been going on but after a while it starts to feel like just an excuse. He sent a message to me earlier in the day and whining about how he is dying to have a girlfriend so he can get off the dating sites forever. He seemed really desperate...so i jokingly said to him.."what about me?? am i just chopped liver?" and he said, "I was referring to you"....but if he felt this way about me I would think he would have been much more receptive to my romantic message to him. The bottom line is that based on his lack of responses to me I dont think he is that interested in me..I almost get the feeling he is just so desperate so is talking to me out of desperation. He does not have much income so is not really much of a catch to most women but he knows that I try not to judge people in that way..like I said, i think he is desperate. so today I just sent him a message wishing him the best of luck in finding what he is looking for online. I guess I am getting tired of the short one line responses when I am sending him long messages. I kind of take that to mean he is not really that interested so that is why I sent him the good luck message. I realize that people do get busy in life but I would think he would find some time throughout the day to get back if he is really interested in me. I also always tell him that he can call to talk to me on the phone but he is always too busy for that as well. I would love others thoughts here...was I right to do this? does it sound like he was not really that interested? Thanks in advance.
Shining One Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 If a woman tells me she is not interested in meeting me, she will receive little to no effort on my part. 7
d0nnivain Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 Once you made it clear that you were not interested in meeting in person & preferred to continue on line he assumed you were playing games, weren't interested in him & only wanted a virtual interaction so he faded away. You want to heat this up, meet him. If you don't want to meet him, don't expect him to continue to be your pen pal. Whether you did the right thing -- sort of ending this -- depends on what you wanted. If you wanted the virtual thing to continue, you did the right the thing because he wasn't interested in that. If you wanted a shot a relationship, you took the wrong tack when you tried to string out the virtual thing without meeting in person. 3
Author chumly Posted February 2, 2017 Author Posted February 2, 2017 If a woman tells me she is not interested in meeting me, she will receive little to no effort on my part. I never told him I was not interested in him, but just told him that I could not meet him at the time but will do so in a few weeks and this is due to things going on in my life...in fact, I sent him a rather romantic message today telling him I was dreaming about him. I was expecting something romantic back. I think I made it very clear that I am romantically interested in him so far..he however, showed very little reception back. This is what fueled me to send him the "good luck" message.
Author chumly Posted February 2, 2017 Author Posted February 2, 2017 Once you made it clear that you were not interested in meeting in person & preferred to continue on line he assumed you were playing games, weren't interested in him & only wanted a virtual interaction so he faded away. You want to heat this up, meet him. If you don't want to meet him, don't expect him to continue to be your pen pal. Whether you did the right thing -- sort of ending this -- depends on what you wanted. If you wanted the virtual thing to continue, you did the right the thing because he wasn't interested in that. If you wanted a shot a relationship, you took the wrong tack when you tried to string out the virtual thing without meeting in person. I see your point but he could have opted to just reconnect with me at another time. Why did he say he wanted to still talk to me if he did not?? i also think when someone poors their heart out and says something romantic it is only right to respond with something romantic back to show the interest is still there at least. I mean I see your point but there is something about it that i dont like and does not sit right with me.
amaysngrace Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 You haven't even met yet and already there is drama? I don't think that's a very good sign. I'd just lay back and let him come to you a bit. This way you'll see how interested in you he really is. 4
elaine567 Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 I guess I am getting tired of the short one line responses when I am sending him long messages. I kind of take that to mean he is not really that interested so that is why I sent him the good luck message. I realize that people do get busy in life but I would think he would find some time throughout the day to get back if he is really interested in me. I also always tell him that he can call to talk to me on the phone but he is always too busy for that as well. I would love others thoughts here...was I right to do this? does it sound like he was not really that interested? Thanks in advance. Whether or not he is interested in you or not, his method of communication, ie oneliners, and with no real effort put in as he is always soooo busy, does not fit in with what you want for a partner. Fine if this was just an acquaintance that you caught up with every 6-9 months for a quick chat maybe, but as a romantic interest this is a no go for you. YOU are putting in all the effort here, you are puling out all the stops and he answers "Fine" or "That was nice" or doesn't even bother to say anything at all... Of course you did the right thing. Plenty women marry similar non-communicative guys in the hope that they will improve, but they usually end up getting worse not better. 1
clia Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 You've been talking to this guy for months and won't meet him. A lot of people don't want to waste time with a penpal or writing romantic emails back and forth when they haven't met in person. I doubt he takes you very seriously at this point. You did the right thing -- let him go. Or meet him. Meet him this weekend. 4
SoulCat Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 You can't/won't meet but you're telling him about dreaming about him? That is sending pretty mixed messages; hot and cold, push and pull. Most people find that pretty unappealing especially this early in what can't even be called a relationship yet. The guy wants a real life girlfriend. Not a virtual pen pal to write romantic tomes to and fro with. 6
Author chumly Posted February 2, 2017 Author Posted February 2, 2017 thanks everyone for the added insights:) thanks elaine567..for seeing my point. I am also not sure I buy all the stuff about him being too busy to email or talk on the phone. When we first stated communicating he was sending me 10 obsessive messages a day and now he suddenly has no time to email or talk. His behavior is completely inconsistent and eratic and I would guess this is probably one of the other reasons he does not have a girlfriend too..aside from the lack of money. Thanks:) clia...I have too much on my plate to meet him this weekend. I am too busy with things for the next few weeks. I see your point but why did he agree to continue to communicate with me then. Thanks:) SoulCat..I was hoping the message I was sending him was that I was attracted to him from what i know of his so far so that he can know the interest is still there despite my not being able to meet him right now. I thought if I just delayed meeting him without conveying that to him it would be worse..this way he at least knows the delays in meeting him are nothing to do with him but to do with me and what is going on in my life right now. I was not trying to give him mixed signals but instead trying to reassure him of my interest in him and it truly is how I feel about him so it was very heartfelt. However, his lack of response back was disheartening. thanks for the response;)
clia Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 thanks everyone for the added insights:) I am also not sure I buy all the stuff about him being too busy to email or talk on the phone. Why not? You've been too busy to meet him for months. How is it any different? When we first stated communicating he was sending me 10 obsessive messages a day and now he suddenly has no time to email or talk. His behavior is completely inconsistent and eratic and I would guess this is probably one of the other reasons he does not have a girlfriend too..aside from the lack of money. Thanks:) You are totally missing the point. It's normal to be totally into it in the beginning, but not meeting means losing momentum. Why on Earth would he want to waste his time emailing or calling a woman who won't meet him? clia...I have too much on my plate to meet him this weekend. I am too busy with things for the next few weeks. I see your point but why did he agree to continue to communicate with me then. Thanks:) You can't find one hour to meet a man you've been composing romantic emails to for the past few months? Are you serious? You eat, don't you? Can't you meet him for lunch for an hour? What kind of relationship are you envisioning with this guy if you can't even be bothered to meet him? How will dating work? Will you just see him once a year? It just seems like you are playing games. Honestly, I'm not trying to be hard on you, but it's mindboggling that you can't see why this guy is losing interest. Look for a guy who just wants a penpal if that's what you want. 5
Popsicle Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 Just message him when you are actually ready to meet. 1
VeveCakes Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 Still with this guy eh! Girl, your message about "dreaming about him" is not romantic. Cute maybe, flirty maybe, but not romantic. It is not an open question, not much he can reply to that with. He said "I was talking about you". My guess, he is SUPER shy or insecure. Why not grab the bull by the horns and ask him out yourself? Just say hey, do you want to get together sometime? And the answer will tell you all. Months, and many threads about this guy later, you are still not closer to actually meeting him! 2
Author chumly Posted February 2, 2017 Author Posted February 2, 2017 Clia...I appreciate you trying to help but there is alot more to why I have not met him then I actually mentioned here..In addition to going through alot of stressful things right now I also suffer from OCD as well as tremendous anxiety and depression so yes, I can not just meet for an hour like everyone else can..i need to be mentally prepared to meet someone due to my condition so it takes alot more preperation for me..I did not mention that here because I did not want to get into all the details ..however, he is well aware of my condition because I sent him a very long message explaining everything to him and he said he understood. I explained that due to all the stress in my life meeting him would be way too stressful right now..but I would only feel this way with the initial meeting and after that if we were to hang out more I would be okay. I also told him if he wanted to not deal with me anymore because of it that i would understand but he said he did not want to go anywhere and he is not giving up on me. I was about as honest as I could be to him..he chose to continue to want to deal with me despite all of this. he should be honest if he changed his mind since i was so honest with him. thanks..i know you are trying to help. Popsicle..yes, that is what i was thinking to do too but he seemed to want to keep in contact with me..so I am just going to let this go for now. thanks VeveCakes...My condition prevents alot of this and me from meeting him as anybody else would but he is well aware of it and has chosen to stick around..or so i thought but to be honest..I did feel ALOT more enthused about meeting him until this happened..so truthfully..in a sense I was getting closer to meeting him now. thanks;)
Author chumly Posted February 2, 2017 Author Posted February 2, 2017 and before anybody says anything..I have had relationships from people i met online despite my condition. My last relationship that lasted 15 years was with someone I met from a dating site so eventually "if" I think someone is worthwhile I will meet them..it just takes a bit longer for me then most and if there is alot of stressful things going on in my life I sometimes cant do it at all until there is less stress..in other words, I cant do too many stressful things at once. So meeting this man or anybody right now would not be a good idea for me due to all the stresses in my life. This is why I deactivated my online profile. He is someone I was speaking to prior to deactivating my profile. Most people I feel comfortable enough meeting are well aware of my condition prior to me meeting them so there is really no game playing going on whatsoever..they are aware and chose to stick around and want to still meet me. this man should be honest if he lost interest in me...it is only fair since I was so honest with him
Author chumly Posted February 2, 2017 Author Posted February 2, 2017 (edited) and I also dont get why someone would send anybody 10 obsessive messages a day at the beginning...I dont consider that normal or healthy behavior at all so your right I dont get why he did that prior to getting to really know me..that seems very superficial to me. this makes me think maybe he has OCD too! Edited February 2, 2017 by chumly
Miss Peach Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 I've come across some people online who won't meet. I don't invest much until I meet them. Coming from his perspective, I've received messages like "I was dreaming of you" and such from women and it's been a turn off for me. It makes me feel like they are the clingy type and I lose interest. 1
SoulCat Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 and I also dont get why someone would send anybody 10 obsessive messages a day at the beginning...I dont consider that normal or healthy behavior at all so your right I dont get why he did that prior to getting to really know me..that seems very superficial to me. Yet you chose to continue to engage with him. It didn't seem to bother you then, you're only bothered now because the intensity of communication on his part has waned. I can't say I blame him. I applaud you for being upfront with him about your issues but it's a lot to take on and he may just have found it all too much to deal with. Like I said before, he wants a real life girlfriend. Not a penpal who he may or may not meet at some point. Investing lots of time and energy in an online only 'romantic relationship' is never a great idea. It usually leads to frustration and disappointment. 2
Author chumly Posted February 2, 2017 Author Posted February 2, 2017 Yet you chose to continue to engage with him. It didn't seem to bother you then, you're only bothered now because the intensity of communication on his part has waned. I can't say I blame him. I applaud you for being upfront with him about your issues but it's a lot to take on and he may just have found it all too much to deal with. Like I said before, he wants a real life girlfriend. Not a penpal who he may or may not meet at some point. Investing lots of time and energy in an online only 'romantic relationship' is never a great idea. It usually leads to frustration and disappointment. yes, I suppose it is possible that he felt that way but i even gave an option to him of making an advance date to meet where we actually set the date in advance...it might be 2 or 3 weeks in advance but I was willing to do something like that if it put him more at ease. I think it is a bit cruel to come on so strong with someone in the beginning only to lose interest as things proceed...I guess this is why I try never to do such things. I am sure he would have lost interest whether I met him or not...he was in a fantasy land about me in the beginning...and from what i am gathering of his personality he seems to have a trend of doing this with women. I still think he should be honest though with me if he is feeling this way now. like I said, it is only fair. Thanks Soulcat
olivetree Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 yes, I suppose it is possible that he felt that way but i even gave an option to him of making an advance date to meet where we actually set the date in advance...it might be 2 or 3 weeks in advance but I was willing to do something like that if it put him more at ease. I think it is a bit cruel to come on so strong with someone in the beginning only to lose interest as things proceed...I guess this is why I try never to do such things. I am sure he would have lost interest whether I met him or not...he was in a fantasy land about me in the beginning...and from what i am gathering of his personality he seems to have a trend of doing this with women. I still think he should be honest though with me if he is feeling this way now. like I said, it is only fair. Thanks Soulcat The first bolded part is completely unreasonable. Feelings change. Nothing cruel about it at all. It should be even less of a blow to you because he has not met you. YOU are living in fantasy land. At least this guy wants a real gf. 1
SoulCat Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 I think it is a bit cruel to come on so strong with someone in the beginning only to lose interest as things proceed... But things didn't proceed, or indeed progress. Normal proceedings would entail you two meeting after a few weeks. You can't/won't do that. So, whatever spark there was has fizzled out. Not surprising. he was in a fantasy land about me in the beginning...and from what i am gathering of his personality he seems to have a trend of doing this with women. I don't know the guy but this strikes me as rather unfair because you were quite happy to leave him in this state of fantasy until you may or may not decide to meet him and give reality a chance. Hence your lengthy 'romantic' emails about dreaming about him etc. I still think he should be honest though with me if he is feeling this way now. like I said, it is only fair. It may be unfair but unfortunately it's not exactly unheard of. He may feel he doesn't owe you an explanation, or he doesn't want to hurt your feelings or have a tricky conversation. Whatever the reason, personally I'd chalk this one up to experience and move on. 1
introverted1 Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 OP, you've been engaged in this same dysfunctional dynamic with guy after guy after guy... since your first post in April, 2016. Why are you still on OLD when it's clear you are not ready to actually meet someone? It's not possibly just coincidence that in nearly a year of OLD you keep getting involved in overly dramatic text and email exchanges that never lead anywhere. Maybe it's time to step back and do some work on you so that you can have a healthy relationship with an actual person, not a device. 5
Author chumly Posted February 2, 2017 Author Posted February 2, 2017 (edited) thanks everyone. I heard from him and he reassured me that he wants to meet me despite my condition and he will wait however long it takes because he likes me that much. He said he has no interest in anybody else or even trying to meet anybody else until he meets me and he is just really busy with his project so he sometimes cant get back to me in time. I guess I will just have to understand that since he understands my condition. introverted1.. Thanks but in regards to saying that I should not be on OLD..I am NOT..I already mentioned this. I deactivated my profile for now. this man is someone I had been in contact with prior to that so we have kept in contact. I told him about my situation with my condition so he knows now what he is dealing with and why..he has chosen to still proceed with me anyway. Edited February 2, 2017 by chumly
Author chumly Posted February 2, 2017 Author Posted February 2, 2017 The first bolded part is completely unreasonable. Feelings change. Nothing cruel about it at all. It should be even less of a blow to you because he has not met you. YOU are living in fantasy land. At least this guy wants a real gf. once again..someone is misunderstanding something here..he even admitted to me that he was in a fantasy about me originally and even apologized for getting too carried away originally since he built me up in his mind so much...so yes, he was in a fantasy about me and admits it himself. The only reason why we are back in contact is because he apologized for doing that to me and I was honest about my condition to him. ..so yes, he WAS in a fantasy about me and admits it himself.
Purepony Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 Everything's going good then you complain Then the guy still decides to contact you and then he takes a step back and now you're complaining because he's not complaining ? I hope this guy realizes what he's getting into 3
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