z33f Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 Full disclosure: At the beginning of November, I met a guy through mutual friends. We hit it off straight away and there was an obvious attraction there. There is a little bit of an age gap - he's 21 and I am 26. We live around 300 miles apart, due to him being in his final year of uni. Where he is from originally is only 50 miles away. Anyway, after the weekend that we met, we stayed in touch; added each other on Facebook, exchanged numbers, etc. When he came home for Christmas, we went on a date and then a few days later he came to my place and we spent the night together. From this, something long distance developed. We would talk every day; Facebook messenger, silly tags, phone calls, texts, etc. I flew to see him and we had an amazing weekend together. In the two weeks after that. We had a couple of silly fights over crossed wires and miscommunication. He revealed during the two fights that he was having doubts due to the distance, but we always smoothed things over. He would say stuff to me like "I'm so grateful for how committed you are. We would never have lasted the distance if I didn't think you were worth it. Sorry for being so negative, you deserve better." This indicated to me that he was invested. Fast forward to it being his turn to see me. In the couple of days before he was due to come up, he'd been a little weird; I think this was triggered by one of the only two fights we ever had, as it happened four days before he was supposed to arrive. I called him the morning he was supposed to come. He told me he had missed his train because he's forgotten his tickets and had to go back, but assured me he'd be on the next one. I expressed to him my worry over his behaviour the last few days and that I'd been concerned he may not come at all. He was already on the train by this point. About 30 minutes later, I received a text saying he had gotten off the train and was no longer coming. He also used the text to break up with me and told me he'd been thinking of doing it once he'd arrived anyway, as he couldn't imagine us working out anyway. Naturally, I was very upset and had a few choice words for him. We also had a group event on Facebook for a bunch of us that were supposed to be going to a festival together in the summer - I posted saying I would not be going and explained why. Since the break up, he has not contacted me at all. I sent him a very long, heartfelt message on Facebook which he didn't even read and he has ignored every single one of my texts. Oddly, he has not blocked me on anything. Friends that have spoken to him have said different things; one said he probably just needs space. The other messaged him outright as she was disgusted at how he had treated me, and he told her he had no interest in any contact with me, because of how I reacted to the break up. Who would take being dumped via text well?! It has been six days since we split and I'm far from over it, despite us only being together a month. What the hell should I do? I'm really hurting and the radio silence from him is maddening.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 When he told you that you deserve better - that's not a sign he was invested. That, in my experience, is usually a red flag. It means they know they're not able or willing to give you what you desire. I think you should do your best to let it go and move on. Breaking up by text on the way to see you indicates this guy's level of maturity. Hint: it's pretty low. For your own sake, don't get mutual friends involved. It's not worth it, and it's really not productive. Also, I assume the post you made on FB about why you're not attending the event was public? If so, that wasn't a wise move either. I absolutely understand that you were hurt and angry, but it's never a good idea to air dirty laundry in public like that. It sounds to me like you dodged a bullet. He wasn't boyfriend material. 1
Author z33f Posted February 2, 2017 Author Posted February 2, 2017 Thank you for your very honest reply. To be honest, this has been pretty much what everyone has said and, although I know that that's right, there is a selfish, silly part of me that is hoping he'll regret his decision or at least just miss me a little and get in touch. The fact that he isn't even bothering to read my messages just seems so callous. I don't understand why he won't even talk to me. It hurts so much. The Facebook event was a private one, but our friends that are a part of it saw the post and a couple of them even commented to say how awful what he had done was and that he should not go instead of me. I just don't know what to do to move on from this. I feel used and like I've totally wasted my time.
PegNosePete Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 When he told you that you deserve better - that's not a sign he was invested. That, in my experience, is usually a red flag. It means they know they're not able or willing to give you what you desire. 100% agree with this. When someone says you deserve better, or any variation of that, then you should believe them. They are most likely doing something that you wouldn't like. Whether that's cheating or pretending to be more committed than they are, it's basically the old classic "it's not you it's me" line. I call BS that he ever got on that train. It seems like he was with you when it was convenient for him. He was coming home anyway so he met up with you. You flew to see him so why wouldn't he go along with it. But when it came to him actually making an investment, he bails. You feel used and that you've had your time wasted, because that is exactly what happened. Stop trying to get him to talk to you, there is nothing to be gained from talking to him any more, he showed you exactly the type of guy he is and showed you exactly where you stand. NC this fool.
Author z33f Posted February 2, 2017 Author Posted February 2, 2017 Thank you so much for your insightful replies. I wish my heart could take stock of what my head knows to be true! Any tips/advice for how I can move on from this horrible situation would be greatly appreciated. He plagues my thoughts constantly, which is awful because I bet I never even cross his mind.
PegNosePete Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 He plagues my thoughts constantly, which is awful because I bet I never even cross his mind. Sorry to say yeah, this is most likely true. It takes time to get over someone. NC helps a lot.
Redhead14 Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 you deserve better -- He's being honest. That is the "kiss of death". I feel used -- You have not been used. You both liked each other, explored the possibility of a relationship, albeit LDR, and he discovered that he was not able to give what is required for you and him to be happy and for the relationship to flourish. That's all. You both were in this. What if you decided there was something that wasn't working for you? Would you just stick with it and be uncomfortable, anxious, unfulfilled, etc. just to have someone to call a partner? Dating is a process, not an event. How do you move on? -- You realize that this is just a guy you dated for 3 months and there were obstacles and probably, some unwillingness to overcome them because the connection just wasn't as strong as you seemed to think it was . . . Breaking up by text, eh. It just shows that this guy doesn't have the ability or desire to address important things "face-to-face" and, if this is how he deals with difficult things, what would the future look like with him anyway?
Author z33f Posted February 3, 2017 Author Posted February 3, 2017 Thank you all for your replies. They have been really helpful in enabling me to gain some perspective. So it has officially been 7 days since he dumped me and I last heard from him. And four days since I last tried to make contact. I thought that hitting the week milestone would help but, if anything, I feel worse. I just want to get to a day where I wake up and him no longer being a part of my life isn't the first thing I think of. We've gone from talking every day to nothing and it's left a huge void in my life...
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