Taking a step back from my relationship. Should I try again when things cool off?

[UrbScholar]

So I started dating this girl from my college four months ago. We ended up hitting it off from the start. We relate on everything from music to culture to social justice and lifestyle decisions. She was simply everything I could ask for in terms of pure vibes and relatability. She told me I was the realest person she knew and that she respected and looked up to me. She told me I was the only person she knew who was on her intellectual level or possibly higher. She complimented me often on my sexiness, emotional intelligence, and my grind. Things started to go left as we got more and more involved, and when I moved from our college in Philly back to NJ. But in many ways, they also went right. As things became more intimate, I noticed she'd become a lot more affectionate and did kind things for me. She's a really caring, compassionate person. She'd make food for me and even let me stay at her dorm the two weekends I visited town. However, at certain points the communication wasn't great from her end and I started to sense mixed signals. She would seem really into the relationship one week and then not as much the next. She'd also not respond for 12 hours via text without much of an explanation. I communicated to her about this and how it made me feel on a few occasions. She always apologized and told me she'd do her best to do better, but it usually didn't last. After a while I noticed a push-pull dynamic forming. One time, I traveled to Philly to see her and she cancelled on me when I'd already spent the money and taken a few hours to travel there. She initially told me she wasn't feeling well, but later told me she was "feeling lethargic", which pissed me off. I called her and blew up on her for wasting my time, money, and effort. She immediately offered to go on with the date as planned. By then, I was already turned off. After I got off the phone, she repeatedly called and texted me apologizing and seeing if I'd meet up with her for rest of the weekend. I ignored her for a few hours, but then we ended up talking things out that night, and she finally opened up about something she was struggling with: chronic depression. She said it was the reason she wasn't up to meeting up the previous night. We reconciled and had a great weekend together.

 

However, after that weekend she seemed really distant for the next week or so. I noticed this as a pattern afterwards. We'd share an intimate night/ moment and then she'd fall back every time. I thought this might be indicative of larger issues, but she always insisted she was just introverted and made that way. However, this push pull started to annoy me more every time. We had a few conversations about how we wanted to stay serious about each other and make things work. We also wanted to be more intimate with each other. She was happy with the growing intimacy. But last Friday, my frustration with what felt like games being played reached a boiling point. I sat her down in person and told her I didn't want to do this anymore. I told her she seemed not to take this relationship as serious as I did. I said I'd had enough of her mixed signals and hot n cold behavior. She seemed upset, but shut down on me afterwards when I wanted to hear her side of things. By the next morning, I knew I'd made a mistake. Instead of pressing her when she became distant and cold, I should've given her the space she needed to figure out her own feelings. I shouldn't have been in a rush to make this my girlfriend down the line. I focused a bit too much on the destination (serious relationship) than the journey. I met with her Sunday to tell her this, and she said the same things from above and that she thought we should work on our friendship since I'd become so frustrated that I viewed the relationship in such a negative light. She said she still wanted to be close and check on each other often. She also said she wanted to get back to having fun with each other and seeing where things go without pressure/ expectations. She told me our bond is really special to her. Although I know perceptions can be off, she seemed much happier after the convo. She even texted me "glad we talked earlier. Good luck tomorrow! =)" referring to a new internship I was starting. She also texted me after the work day to see how my first day went. That's where we are now. A few thoughts:

 

-Part of me feels like taking a step back will be good for us and possibly lead to getting back together. In this case, I'd have to be sure she's all the way in it. No more games.

-She may actually just wanna be friends. Her not seeming upset anymore after we talked makes me think she was more upset about rejection than about losing me when I broke things off. She probably was satisfied because now she doesn't feel like a bad person about the whole thing

-She always complimented me on my "patience" with her difficulty in communicating her feelings and opening up to me. She had a traumatic childhood, and is very closed off as a result. Me losing patience and leaving may have been a blow to her trust for me and her self esteem for pushing me to that point.

-My anxiety often makes me more insecure in relationships and affects my ability to chill and let things take their course.

 

I'm going to live life as a single man for the foreseeable future and focus even more on dealing with my anxiety, building up my confidence, and flourishing. I know I'm taking a step back for the time being, but this girl is really special to me. We have a really unique connection and can spend days together/talk about anything. I fear she may just be going through a rough patch in her life and would do better with friendly support from afar right now. Our chemistry is undeniable, so I could see us trying again when we're both in better spots in our lives. To what extent should I be her friend? Should I ever give her another chance? What do you think about other things I've mentioned? What should I do?

[VeveCakes]

The relationship is too new for all this drama.

 

Read the book Attached. She sounds like she is avoidant and there is nothing you can do about that.

 

You are young and in college. Lots of girls out there who will put the effort in to make things work. I suggest you look elsewhere.

[lurker74]

She sounds like she may either be thinking about or seeing other guys or that she is clinically depressed (or both). If the former, move on. If the latter, you have to decide if that's something you want to sign up for because much of the time it's likely beyond her control.

 

Personally I'd probably move on but it would depend on how much I liked her and how mature I was about mental health at the time. Good luck

[GemmaUK]

Sounds like you smothered her and then blew up in anger whenever something didn't go your way. You also admitted here that you wanted to rush things.

She will feel relieved that you broke it off.

There is no reason for her to feel like a bad person over this at all.

 

Move on and work on your insecurities and anger issues, those are the crux of the problem here.

[EveryWomanJ2911]

Ultimately, what are your relationship goals? It sounds like they may be different right now. If this arrangement doesn't work for the both of you, its time to reevaluate your options. It almost seems from what you have shared that she is relieved and couldn't maintain the relationship going forward. And, going forward it doesn't look like there is any indication that things will change in this area for her. Honestly, its almost as if she's pushing you away by being unavailable and then available again.

 

Could you two maybe be really honest with each other and share if you really want things to go forward or not? Maybe a campus counselor could help if she meets you at the college campus to sort things out? Depression is complicated and varies depending on the individual. Could you do some reading on that as well to get some good info for yourself at the moment so you are aware of the situation you might be pursuing? There are many kinds of depression and many different levels to consider. In any event, reading up on healthy relationship habits and red flags could help you to navigate these choppy waters. You might consider the info below to be helpful at this time as you walk through this.

 

Blessings & Peace Friend

 

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