Girlfriend is very unmotivated

[RecentChange]

I was not born into wealth but I understand it. I think people who have not been have a hard time understanding it. I mean, would you have a problem dating Warren Buffet's daughter? Bill Gates daughter? She's taken care of, you are not. That is/was her birth privilege. If you want a woman who works hard just because you do, then find another woman.

 

But the thing is, Bill Gates does have a daughter, and she isn't an unmotivated lazy slouch. She is studying at Stanford university, she has been a serious competitor on the international equestrian scene for years.

 

Many that are born into weather are still driven and successful.

 

This girl could come from an underprivileged family and still be just as lazy. Her parent's wealth just makes it easier to be the way she is.

[preraph]

Honestly, no matter how I look at it, I can't see her marrying anyone who can't keep her in the manner to which she has become accustomed and is doing it without trying to change her.

[stillafool]

If you do marry her thank God she doesn't want kids or you would have to hire nannies to take care of them and maids to take care of her. What does she do during the day? Is there anything she is involved in - a hobbit perhaps?

[patrickstarr]

If you do marry her thank God she doesn't want kids or you would have to hire nannies to take care of them and maids to take care of her. What does she do during the day? Is there anything she is involved in - a hobbit perhaps?

 

yoga some nights, shops, watches tv

[VeveCakes]

yoga some nights, shops, watches tv

 

Does she have friends?

 

To be honest I am just jealous of her life.

 

Wish I had a bf who loved me so much he would let me sleep all day slob around and spend money on useless things while watching Jerry Springer

[JamesM]

If you do marry her thank God she doesn't want kids or you would have to hire nannies to take care of them and maids to take care of her. What does she do during the day? Is there anything she is involved in - a hobbit perhaps?

 

Cheating on you with a hobbit? I have heard it all!

 

Sorry I couldn't resist. One of the best typos in a long time.

[Popsicle]

But the thing is, Bill Gates does have a daughter, and she isn't an unmotivated lazy slouch. She is studying at Stanford university, she has been a serious competitor on the international equestrian scene for years.

 

Many that are born into weather are still driven and successful.

 

This girl could come from an underprivileged family and still be just as lazy. Her parent's wealth just makes it easier to be the way she is.

 

Yeah so? My point was, she can afford to be lazy. There are plenty of trophy wives out there. She's only 23, lots of kids don't know what they want to do at that age. Eventually she'll figure something out or have a baby or learn to lie about it because society is so condemning/jealous of it.

 

Anyways, it doesnt matter, I bet money he won't dump her because there are too many other things he likes about her.

[VeveCakes]

Yeah so? My point was, she can afford to be lazy. There are plenty of trophy wives out there. She's only 23, lots of kids don't know what they want to do at that age. Eventually she'll figure something out or have a baby or learn to lie about it because society is so condemning/jealous of it.

 

Anyways, it doesnt matter, I bet money he won't dump her because there are too many other things he likes about her.

 

No she can't...she is mooching off her parents and her bf. That is not her affording it. It works for now but so many things can change that situation. People lose their fortune every day.

[olivetree]

I'm not really sure why you posted here OP.

 

You sound happy and you can't answer anyone's questions about what you will do about your situation.

 

You still get excited to hear about how she woke up at noon and went shopping.

You like that she is affectionate and takes interest in what you do (football).

You have fun together.

You are okay with her parents paying for stuff.

You just seem to want to have to do the dishes less?

 

Maybe it's just hard to work with your super short responses, but I'm not really getting the sense that are on different levels in the way you view the world, just that you are hard working and she is not.

[Lilyana76]

personally, someone who lacks motivation or drive... or someone that has NO passion in their lives what so ever.... well... I'd be out the door fast.

 

This girl needs reality to smack her in the face hard... or I can do it, just call me reality. I'm actually annoyed by her just reading this.

 

OP, you started this thread because you yourself have problems with it. You know you can't tolerate or expect this from her forever. Yet, you defend her to the core when people tell you like it is. So, what is it you want for us to do? You want us to tell you to hang in there and she'll wake up someday?

 

Newsflash, unless reality does hit her in the face soon, she won't ever change because she don't have to. No one is making her. Everyone lays down and lets her do what she wants.

 

So, sure, if you want... "hang in there" so that some day you can resent her, that resentment will turn into hate, and it will eat your soul alive.... but by all means. Hang in there sport!

[Popsicle]

No she can't...she is mooching off her parents and her bf. That is not her affording it. It works for now but so many things can change that situation. People lose their fortune every day.

 

The OP has not indicated that her parents mind or think she's "mooching".

[patrickstarr]

personally, someone who lacks motivation or drive... or someone that has NO passion in their lives what so ever.... well... I'd be out the door fast.

 

This girl needs reality to smack her in the face hard... or I can do it, just call me reality. I'm actually annoyed by her just reading this.

 

OP, you started this thread because you yourself have problems with it. You know you can't tolerate or expect this from her forever. Yet, you defend her to the core when people tell you like it is. So, what is it you want for us to do? You want us to tell you to hang in there and she'll wake up someday?

 

Newsflash, unless reality does hit her in the face soon, she won't ever change because she don't have to. No one is making her. Everyone lays down and lets her do what she wants.

 

So, sure, if you want... "hang in there" so that some day you can resent her, that resentment will turn into hate, and it will eat your soul alive.... but by all means. Hang in there sport!

 

'm irritated and want to know how to tread lightly with this

[patrickstarr]

Does she have friends?

 

To be honest I am just jealous of her life.

 

Wish I had a bf who loved me so much he would let me sleep all day slob around and spend money on useless things while watching Jerry Springer

 

Yeah, few nights a week she'll go drinking with them, or lunch

[VeveCakes]

The OP has not indicated that her parents mind or think she's "mooching".

 

Not relevant to what you said though - SHE can not afford the lifestyle herself. She can possibly continue mooching. Not always the case.

[AllyStrass]

That sounds like a difficult dilemma! On one hand, it seems like you really love this girl. You have walked a lot of life together and have been through a lot together. On the other hand, you are having a difficult time with not feeling the team effort in the relationship with getting things accomplished, which can be discouraging and frustrating for you.

Have you had a chance to talk with her and tell her how you feel about this? If so, has she expressed any understanding with where you are coming from? It would definitely be a hard change for her as she has always had things done for her (and still does is sounds like... at least from her parents). It has been ingrained in her for her whole life that she doesn't have to do be a part of the team to do her part in the work.

One thing I have learned over the years is that to be with someone, you have to accept them for who they are, not expecting change. It's when we expect them to change and they don't that we become angry and bitter towards the person. It is a hard decision of whether to continue walking life with this woman - is how she is now something you'd be willing to live with for the rest of your life?... again, however, I would talk with her and express how you feel. Maybe she is willing to work with you on this!

[patrickstarr]

That sounds like a difficult dilemma! On one hand, it seems like you really love this girl. You have walked a lot of life together and have been through a lot together. On the other hand, you are having a difficult time with not feeling the team effort in the relationship with getting things accomplished, which can be discouraging and frustrating for you.

Have you had a chance to talk with her and tell her how you feel about this? If so, has she expressed any understanding with where you are coming from? It would definitely be a hard change for her as she has always had things done for her (and still does is sounds like... at least from her parents). It has been ingrained in her for her whole life that she doesn't have to do be a part of the team to do her part in the work.

One thing I have learned over the years is that to be with someone, you have to accept them for who they are, not expecting change. It's when we expect them to change and they don't that we become angry and bitter towards the person. It is a hard decision of whether to continue walking life with this woman - is how she is now something you'd be willing to live with for the rest of your life?... again, however, I would talk with her and express how you feel. Maybe she is willing to work with you on this!

 

 

I do look at us as a team with 1 person carrying the load and while I've been good with that in the past, as time has gone on, I've grown irritated of getting not much help from her. My fuse is growing short. Yes, I do love her. Anytime I have suggested maybe aiming for a higher job( although she'd be very limited given her having no degree) or going to some sort of college, she just shuts down, stops being bubbly & chatty, and goes into her defense mode of, " I don't know if I can. It sounds hard. It doesn't seem very fun" and she'll stay that way until I change the subject to something more lighthearted. My biggest fear is that one day I'll just be done with her, and then have to say " I spent x years with this person and the end was not a great outcome.

 

Like, just one time I'd love to hear, " you know, you've had a long, week, tonight I'll cook, I'll do the dishes", but no. I'll come home, she'll be watching some blogger, I'll cook, we'll catch up. I do dishes while she channel surfs. Never a thank you( aside from the occasional, " Wow, that was really good"

Edited February 2, 2017 by patrickstarr

[Sweetfish]

I do look at us as a team with 1 person carrying the load and while I've been good with that in the past, as time has gone on, I've grown irritated of getting not much help from her. My fuse is growing short. Yes, I do love her. Anytime I have suggested maybe aiming for a higher job( although she'd be very limited given her having no degree) or going to some sort of college, she just shuts down, stops being bubbly & chatty, and goes into her defense mode of, " I don't know if I can. It sounds hard. It doesn't seem very fun" and she'll stay that way until I change the subject to something more lighthearted. My biggest fear is that one day I'll just be done with her, and then have to say " I spent x years with this person and the end was not a great outcome.

 

Like, just one time I'd love to hear, " you know, you've had a long, week, tonight I'll cook, I'll do the dishes", but no. I'll come home, she'll be watching some blogger, I'll cook, we'll catch up. I do dishes while she channel surfs. Never a thank you( aside from the occasional, " Wow, that was really good"

 

Are you projecting your ideal women on her? I dont suspect you will change her and your not her father nor married. Eventually, she will shut down on you and you will be the dumpee instead of the dumper.

 

So decide how you plan on moving forward. You could sit down with her and talk about the future.. if she sees a future with her.. tell her its a duel effort. If she refuses after multiple serious attempts... not bluff. Maybe you should let her go.

 

But do it only if your 100% not on an impluse.

[patrickstarr]

nor married.

 

feels like we're married

[RecentChange]

Dude.

 

You two are still very young. You haven't yet had to face some of the real crap life can throw at you.

 

Wait until there is an economic down turn, you're laid off, and or the folks gravy train has stopped.

 

Or one of you has a serious health scare. Or a critical accident. Or a natural disaster.

 

Is this girl really going to be your rock? Your partner who will weather the storm with you? She cant even handle talking about improving herself, let alone doing anything about it. She acts like a spoiled child.

 

There are critical elements to healthy relationships. I already mentioned respect. Another one is appreciation.

 

This girl is so entitled and immature she has no appreciation of what you do. She has no idea how hard it is to work all day, or to put a meal on the table, or to pick up a house after working 8-5. And she will never appreciate it, because she has never had to do it. She has zero perspective.

 

I grew up with some really wealthy kids - not rich, wealthy. We are talking the 10 million dollar homes, range rovers for sweet 16th, 300,000 show horses set.

 

Most were fairly driven and mature because that is what their successful parents demanded. But a few, a few were like your girlfriend.

 

And they never grew up. They are now in their late 30's pretending like life is a episode of sex on the city. And all of those years of partying with the gals are starting to show. Those "hotties" are now not nearly so hot.

 

But they are still rich, still entitled, and still never had to cultivate anything in the way of depth and personality.

 

You are 23 and already growing resentful. You have been working full time and providing for....How long now? A couple of years at best?

 

Add a decade or two of keeping your nose to the grind stone, doing all the work while she gets to kick back and be a "lady who lunches" and see how deep and seething your resentment will be.

[Popsicle]

Maybe your girlfriend thinks she's in an episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

[Popsicle]

feels like we're married

 

Hmmm, what exactly do you mean by that? Lol

[patrickstarr]

Hmmm, what exactly do you mean by that? Lol

 

8 years together & we live together

[patrickstarr]

I grew up with some really wealthy kids - not rich, wealthy. We are talking the 10 million dollar homes, range rovers for sweet 16th, 300,000 show horses set.

 

sweet lord

[OatsAndHall]

we have a lot of fun times together, that's what's attractive

 

Those fun times will come to a screeching halt when the real-world rears it's head. Life can be hard enough for people who are motivated and working full-time and it will flatten someone who isn't being an adult.

 

I understand that eight years is hard to give up but it sounds like you have discussed your frustrations with her and nothing has changed. I would call it off or, at the very least, move out.

[anna121]

She sounds shallow and, frankly, not that bright. Even a moderately intelligent person does not think that sitting in class for an hour would be "OMG so hard".

 

Given the positive things you have written, it sounds like you are mostly happy with her but occasionally disturbed by the fact that she is, well, vapid. (Sorry.)

 

That is not going to change unless she has some sort of come to Jesus moment, probably motivated by hardship. Early-mid 20s means her habits and character have been set for a while now and in this case are being facilitated by her parents. Mid-20s with no desire to either go to school or get a job? That's some deep, deep stagnation. But, it works for her.

 

Bottom line - you are not going to motivate her by nagging. Decide what you can and can't live with. If a person who sounds incredibly lazy and entitled but is nonetheless fun to be around seems like a good life partner, then go all in but stop expecting her to do something meaningful with her life. Without some kind of epiphany, she most likely won't.