Fighting Over Text

[ReadySetGo123]

So, just getting right to the situation.

 

I met a guy from an app at the end of October. We had the craziest connection - We had so much in common, it was unreal. We hit it off very quickly. However, we kept trying to make plans to meet face-to-face, and he ended up ghosting me.

 

A few weeks later, he texted me and apologized. He said he had never met someone from online, he got nervous and freaked. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, and I forgave him.

 

Throughout December, he still kept putting off meeting, but we had an incredible connection still, so I went with it and trusted it would come. Finally, in January, we met in person and our connection in person was just as strong as via text, if not stronger. We saw each other four times in two weeks. Then, he went on vacation, I went away, and finally this week came. He had mentioned about getting together this upcoming weekend, and he mentioned it again on Monday. When he brought it up, I said "Really? We're still on for this weekend?"

 

So, to make an already-long story short, he got extremely insulted and hurt by the fact that I was questioning his dedication to this weekend. And to make matters worse, I texted him extremely long/multiple texts as responses. I've never really had a major fight over text, and I kind of felt like I wasn't being heard or understood over text, so they were pretty lengthy...he responded throughout the day with many texts, as well. But, I went overboard at the end of the day. I couldn't stand the thought of being misunderstood, so I called (he did not answer, he has said he does not like phone calls) and I left a voicemail, trying to explain my view of things. And when he didn't respond, I followed up with more texts to try to explain further.

 

This morning, he said I was being obsessive/clingy and that was a red flag, so we're done. I know it's unhealthy to have a fight and practically a relationship over mostly texts, but the connection we had was unbelievable. We've talked morning until night every day for the past two months. And I think we were getting to the point of seeing each other in person more, but I still think every now and then about how long it took us to actually meet in the first place. I know I should not have texted so constantly and, yes, so obsessively, but during a fight, when you're so focused on being heard and you can't physically be heard over a text message, I guess it's easy to get crazy about it.

 

He told me I've explained myself enough, and to stop talking. It's killing me that this is over because I texted too much and left a voicemail during a fight. Should I really just try to work on letting this go?

 

Side note: I was already very tense and upset yesterday because I went to the obgyn to get a pap smear. I am a very anxious person when it comes to doctors. I didn't tell him about the appointment, but I think it escalated my emotions.

[d0nnivain]

You have a relationship with a device, not a phone. He doesn't have the skills to carry on a relationship. There is nothing to fight about. He doesn't care enough about you to even take your phone call.

 

 

Don't continue wasting your time being upset. Just end it.

 

 

Going forward date people whole like flesh & blood people not devices.

[Lilyana76]

You need to just let this go and move on. Keep dating, but don't let someone walk all over you. Don't focus on one, especially if they aren't meeting you or wanting to see you again.

 

Block this person.. don't respond, text or anything anymore. No good can come from them.

 

I hate texting... actually.. LOATHE texting. I am quite sarcastic and some times my humor doesn't translate to text well. I don't mind texting if its a quick reply needed. But, if its a long conversation, or argument, I'll call. If you won't take my call, then too bad for you.

[ReadySetGo123]

You have a relationship with a device, not a phone. He doesn't have the skills to carry on a relationship. There is nothing to fight about. He doesn't care enough about you to even take your phone call.

 

 

Don't continue wasting your time being upset. Just end it.

 

 

Going forward date people whole like flesh & blood people not devices.

 

I believe we were getting to the point of seeing each other more often in person. He mentioned seeing each other regularly on weekends, after we both came back from being away.

 

It just happened to be the first weekend we were actually going to do it. So, I questioned it, just to be sure. It sounds so minor, but it really escalated into all-day texts. And the day ended with me sending a bunch of texts and that voicemail, basically repeating everything I said throughout the day, because it was still difficult for me to have this argument over text. And looking back, it does look crazy to get so many texts from a girl repeating herself. I don't know. I feel like I really messed this up, I messed up getting the opportunity to date him as a person instead of over a phone.

[ReadySetGo123]

You need to just let this go and move on. Keep dating, but don't let someone walk all over you. Don't focus on one, especially if they aren't meeting you or wanting to see you again.

 

Block this person.. don't respond, text or anything anymore. No good can come from them.

 

I hate texting... actually.. LOATHE texting. I am quite sarcastic and some times my humor doesn't translate to text well. I don't mind texting if its a quick reply needed. But, if its a long conversation, or argument, I'll call. If you won't take my call, then too bad for you.

 

We've discussed that he doesn't like phone calls. And I had said that's okay, unless it's something important, which he agreed with. I don't know. This felt important enough for a phone call to me. But we've never spoken on the phone.

 

He is really busy during the weekdays. I do believe he's wanted to see me. His schedule has gotten in the way a lot, then taking so long to meet for the first time was still fresh in my head. He did want to see me this weekend, but because I questioned it, then acted crazy about it by texting so many explanations, he called things off.

[d0nnivain]

You did not mess up. Based on the past ghosting, confirmation was required.

 

 

The reason I'm advocating giving up is that knowing things were tense, he didn't pick up the phone. Instead he said he doesn't like phone calls. That is B.S. It's disrespectful. It shows he puts his feelings above yours. It also tells me he doesn't have the skill set to engage in interpersonal dynamics.

 

 

IMO there is little point in trying to have a relationship with someone like that.

[Larryville]

Fighting Over Text

 

First fighting over text is so seriously wrong I can’t wrap my head around those who do this…

 

We had so much in common, it was unreal. We hit it off very quickly.

 

However, we kept trying to make plans to meet face-to-face, and he ended up ghosting me.

 

STRIKE ONE

 

A few weeks later, he texted me and apologized. He said he had never met someone from online, he got nervous and freaked

 

This was BS first of all and unless dude has some anxiety issue “freaking out” would not be an any dudes reasons for a flake/ghost.

 

STRIKE TWO!

 

Throughout December, he still kept putting off meeting, but we had an incredible connection

 

I say often not to be mean to OP’s but I will ask again do you people read/proofread before you post does the above sentence make any sense?

 

STRIKE THREE

 

he got extremely insulted and hurt by the fact that I was questioning his dedication to this weekend.

 

What?

 

And to make matters worse, I texted him extremely long/multiple texts as responses.

 

???

 

so I called (he did not answer, he has said he does not like phone calls)

 

Really? Married? maybe...

 

And when he didn't respond, I followed up with more texts to try to explain further.

 

You should have backed off…

 

This morning, he said I was being obsessive/clingy and that was a red flag, so we're done.

 

Pretty much…

 

He told me I've explained myself enough, and to stop talking. It's killing me that this is over because I texted too much and left a voicemail during a fight. Should I really just try to work on letting this go?

 

Absolutely!

[ReadySetGo123]

You did not mess up. Based on the past ghosting, confirmation was required.

 

 

The reason I'm advocating giving up is that knowing things were tense, he didn't pick up the phone. Instead he said he doesn't like phone calls. That is B.S. It's disrespectful. It shows he puts his feelings above yours. It also tells me he doesn't have the skill set to engage in interpersonal dynamics.

 

 

IMO there is little point in trying to have a relationship with someone like that.

 

He has said he doesn't like phone calls before this situation. I had a feeling he wouldn't pick up.

 

I guess I also hate the feeling of knowing this ended because of my texts trying to explain myself. That seemed to be what it boiled down to. So that's why it feels like I messed up throughout all of this.

[d0nnivain]

I guess I also hate the feeling of knowing this ended because of my texts trying to explain myself. That seemed to be what it boiled down to. So that's why it feels like I messed up throughout all of this.

 

 

It didn't end because of your texts. You didn't mess up (except for maybe thinking this man had the ability to care about you.) It ended because he could only have interaction through text not in real life.

 

 

Don't you see that?

[ReadySetGo123]

It didn't end because of your texts. You didn't mess up (except for maybe thinking this man had the ability to care about you.) It ended because he could only have interaction through text not in real life.

 

 

Don't you see that?

 

It's hard to see that because what it boiled down to was it ended with this morning, him saying that I am obsessive and clingy because I left him a voicemail and a bunch of long, repeating texts afterwards. Which, looking back on, does seem very clingy and it would probably freak me out, as well.

 

Most of our interactions have been via text. This was the first fight. And, just like most of our interactions before this, it was through text. I didn't know how to handle it, so I handled it poorly by texting way too much.

 

Even though it should have 100% been a real-life confrontation, I feel like the bad guy who, after trying to spend all day yesterday explaining herself, still feels misunderstood and needs more explanation that texts would never do justice.

[Jj66]

He's doesn't astound like relationship material. You probably should be glad it ended.

[smackie9]

He is diverting blame, he is being a wienie. Don't knock yourself out over this guy....he has mentally manipulated you into thinking you are the bad guy. The only thing you did wrong was to continue communicating with this guy.

 

It's no wonder you find yourself anxious....because he has constantly let you down and rejected you, called you names, accusing you of being obsessive,etc. Why in the hell would you waste your time on this person? All he has done is have you on the hook. Time to get off it.

 

Tip: Invest in those who treat you the way you want to be treated.

[ReadySetGo123]

He is diverting blame, he is being a wienie. Don't knock yourself out over this guy....he has mentally manipulated you into thinking you are the bad guy. The only thing you did wrong was to continue communicating with this guy.

 

It's no wonder you find yourself anxious....because he has constantly let you down and rejected you, called you names, accusing you of being obsessive,etc. Why in the hell would you waste your time on this person? All he has done is have you on the hook. Time to get off it.

 

Tip: Invest in those who treat you the way you want to be treated.

 

I do agree that we were both in the wrong with this...but. I have a question. Wouldn't you also call someone obsessive if they send you numerous texts in a row and a voicemail, trying to basically repeat an explanation they've said all day?

 

A part of me wants to ask him how he thinks I should have acted yesterday, besides with less texts. Because nothing I said seems to have been "the right thing to say." But I don't want him to think I'm being clingy by contacting him just a few hours after this happened.

 

I appreciate everyone saying I was not entirely in the wrong here. I just don't like being left with someone thinking and calling me obsessive and clingy, and that is why it's for the best he is no longer with me.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I can't add anymore to what's already been said except to remind you to look for the lesson in all of this; be with someone who will pick up the damn phone!

 

 

Perhaps a bit simplistic but I think you would have had a very different outcome had he been the kind of guy who valued talking over texting.

 

Good luck.

[Lilyana76]

Why let what he called you bother you.

 

He's Flaky, inconsistent, dodgy, unstable, and emotionally incapable of relationship.

 

Of course hes going to try to make you feel like its your fault by being "clingy or obsessive" so you won't focus on his character flaws...

 

Drop him like a hot potato.. who cares what he thinks?

[d0nnivain]

If You reach out more than twice without a response you are being annoying.

 

 

I suspect part of why you did that is because he was so unresponsive & text was all you had.

 

 

Again if he had truly be into you he would have answered your phone call or responded. He did neither making you frustrated & a little nutty. The fact remains that his unwillingness to have true human interaction without hiding behind a device is what drove you to act this way.

 

 

Stop beating yourself up & move on. Going forward date people who function in this world, not a virtual one.

[VeveCakes]

 

This morning, he said I was being obsessive/clingy and that was a red flag, so we're done. I know it's unhealthy to have a fight and practically a relationship over mostly texts, but the connection we had was unbelievable. We've talked morning until night every day for the past two months.

 

Side note: I was already very tense and upset yesterday because I went to the obgyn to get a pap smear. I am a very anxious person when it comes to doctors. I didn't tell him about the appointment, but I think it escalated my emotions.

 

Well I will be the voice of opposition and say this was more your fault than his. Texting someone 24/7 for two months when you first meet is not healthy. It shows an extreme obsession to be in contact and can be likened to love bombing. Going on and on about connection, truth is you hardly know this guy. That intense feeling is actually your attachment style clinging onto this guy.

 

Never fight over text. Sending long intense messages about something as small as a misunderstanding is a bit much. Calling and leaving a voicemail is also a bit much. You can't force anyone to hear your side of the story unfortunately. If you had of just said it was a misunderstanding or whatever the issue was and let it be, he would have had time to process his reaction. You didn't give him any space or time to do so.

 

Chalk this up as a learning experience. CHILL. Move on from this one - it's not going to work.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Well I will be the voice of opposition and say this was more your fault than his. Texting someone 24/7 for two months when you first meet is not healthy. It shows an extreme obsession to be in contact and can be likened to love bombing. Going on and on about connection, truth is you hardly know this guy. That intense feeling is actually your attachment style clinging onto this guy.

 

Never fight over text. Sending long intense messages about something as small as a misunderstanding is a bit much. Calling and leaving a voicemail is also a bit much. You can't force anyone to hear your side of the story unfortunately. If you had of just said it was a misunderstanding or whatever the issue was and let it be, he would have had time to process his reaction. You didn't give him any space or time to do so.

 

Chalk this up as a learning experience. CHILL. Move on from this one - it's not going to work.

 

I was going to post something very similar but chose otherwise. Glad you made these points. I think they are valid.

[smackie9]

I do agree that we were both in the wrong with this...but. I have a question. Wouldn't you also call someone obsessive if they send you numerous texts in a row and a voicemail, trying to basically repeat an explanation they've said all day?

 

A part of me wants to ask him how he thinks I should have acted yesterday, besides with less texts. Because nothing I said seems to have been "the right thing to say." But I don't want him to think I'm being clingy by contacting him just a few hours after this happened.

 

I appreciate everyone saying I was not entirely in the wrong here. I just don't like being left with someone thinking and calling me obsessive and clingy, and that is why it's for the best he is no longer with me.

Did you not read through what I said? You are anxious because of the way he has treated you....you were reacting to it. It doesn't mean you are that kind of person. Like I said he is manipulating you, making you feel bad and diverting blame. he's a jackass.

[LivingDeadGrl]

He's a flake.

 

He has shown you on more than one occasion that he doesn't care about you.

 

For him to get all uptight and upset over you saying "Really" and confirming that a date was still on is ridiculous. A guy who really liked you would have said, "Of course!" or something to set some reassurance if you had any doubts.

 

This was an excuse. He needed a way out and instead of being a man about it he just found one thing to get upset about and in reality who gets upset about something like that?

You may have over done it trying to explain yourself but you didn't even need to!

 

Don't give him any more of your time!

[ReadySetGo123]

Did you not read through what I said? You are anxious because of the way he has treated you....you were reacting to it. It doesn't mean you are that kind of person. Like I said he is manipulating you, making you feel bad and diverting blame. he's a jackass.

 

You're right...I really have never acted that way before. It was frustrating to feel misunderstood and like I wasn't being heard, so it just made me talk more and more to try to make my point. Which made it worse.

 

The situation, and the way he reacted, led me to end the night like that, with the phone call, with the texts.

 

I wish he could know that that is not the kind of person I am. But I can't focus on that. I need to focus on reminding MYSELF that the names he called me are not true. Easier said than done, but I will try.

[ReadySetGo123]

He's a flake.

 

He has shown you on more than one occasion that he doesn't care about you.

 

For him to get all uptight and upset over you saying "Really" and confirming that a date was still on is ridiculous. A guy who really liked you would have said, "Of course!" or something to set some reassurance if you had any doubts.

 

This was an excuse. He needed a way out and instead of being a man about it he just found one thing to get upset about and in reality who gets upset about something like that?

You may have over done it trying to explain yourself but you didn't even need to!

 

Don't give him any more of your time!

 

What you said is exactly what has gone through my mind. I was honestly expecting him to just say "Of course!" To reassure me, and that's it. Especially since we had the history of plans getting canceled or changed, just a simple yes, we are still on, would have sufficed.

 

Yesterday, he was saying that he couldn't trust me, and it must be equal because I obviously don't trust him as well. Which isn't true at all. But it almost seemed like if the reason for calling things off wasn't because of my texting and calling, it could have come down to him calling things off because he said he didn't trust me. So maybe he was trying to look for a way out.

[WaitingForBardot]

Well I will be the voice of opposition and say this was more your fault than his. Texting someone 24/7 for two months when you first meet is not healthy. It shows an extreme obsession to be in contact and can be likened to love bombing. Going on and on about connection, truth is you hardly know this guy. That intense feeling is actually your attachment style clinging onto this guy.

 

Never fight over text. Sending long intense messages about something as small as a misunderstanding is a bit much. Calling and leaving a voicemail is also a bit much. You can't force anyone to hear your side of the story unfortunately. If you had of just said it was a misunderstanding or whatever the issue was and let it be, he would have had time to process his reaction. You didn't give him any space or time to do so.

 

Chalk this up as a learning experience. CHILL. Move on from this one - it's not going to work.

Even if all of the other posters comments about him are true, which they may well be, I do think you have to accept your role in the misunderstanding as well.

 

And a general comment: My rule of thumb is when you absolutely must see, talk, text someone right here right now to hash out some problem, it is absolutely the worst time to actually do so. It's really backfired for me on several occassions. I now try to step back, take a deep breath, and make contact after I've had a chance to relax and collect my thoughts.

[ReadySetGo123]

Well I will be the voice of opposition and say this was more your fault than his. Texting someone 24/7 for two months when you first meet is not healthy. It shows an extreme obsession to be in contact and can be likened to love bombing. Going on and on about connection, truth is you hardly know this guy. That intense feeling is actually your attachment style clinging onto this guy.

 

Never fight over text. Sending long intense messages about something as small as a misunderstanding is a bit much. Calling and leaving a voicemail is also a bit much. You can't force anyone to hear your side of the story unfortunately. If you had of just said it was a misunderstanding or whatever the issue was and let it be, he would have had time to process his reaction. You didn't give him any space or time to do so.

 

Chalk this up as a learning experience. CHILL. Move on from this one - it's not going to work.

 

I don't want to take fault for the constant texting before this situation. It was a two-way street. I don't see a lot of texting as a bad thing, as long as there is real face to face interaction. And not fighting through text. We both agreed there was a strong connection, and even though a couple of months is a short time, when you text back and forth for that long, you do get to know someone.

 

When people fight, both sides get ugly. And it's even worse over text. I don't know. All couples fight. I know I didn't handle myself well in it. But I wish he would have seen it from my eyes, as well.

 

As tempting as it is to text him, I'm not. I'm giving him the space and the reaction time. In the mean time, I will try to move on. I wish I had better closure from it. But I will try to move on.

[ReadySetGo123]

Even if all of the other posters comments about him are true, which they may well be, I do think you have to accept your role in the misunderstanding as well.

 

And a general comment: My rule of thumb is when you absolutely must see, talk, text someone right here right now to hash out some problem, it is absolutely the worst time to actually do so. It's really backfired for me on several occassions. I now try to step back, take a deep breath, and make contact after I've had a chance to relax and collect my thoughts.

 

I have already agreed and owned up to being wrong. I know the constant texts and voicemail were wrong. I own up to it, I know I handled it really poorly.

 

Have you had an instance where one small misunderstanding, one small fight, can ruin everything completely? Also, when you sense a fight brewing (especially a first fight), how do you tell the other person to step back and come back to it later?

 

I want to learn from this. I know what I did was wrong. But I want to know what I could do differently the next time, with him or whoever may come into the picture in the future.