ozziegal8 Posted February 1, 2017 Posted February 1, 2017 I met a guy over the weekend he was part owner of the local pub, he watched me all night the first night then 2nd night trying to talk to me all night. He told me he was separated 3 years not divorced, I haven't seen anyone in 2 years so possibly a bit lonely. It was in a very small country town. I felt he was a bit shut off the day I left but asked if he could come visit me in my city. Our last night we got a lift home with him along with some locals whom he dropped off along the way. One of the local's (this guy didnt know we had gone out the night before) asked him in front of me how is his mrs was.... Hmmm is he still married? He replied with 'Things are not good'. The guy that asked was not a good friend but just a local in the town..Question is does this sound suss and do you think he is really still living with his wife?
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 1, 2017 Posted February 1, 2017 (edited) I met a guy over the weekend he was part owner of the local pub, he watched me all night the first night then 2nd night trying to talk to me all night. He told me he was separated 3 years not divorced, I haven't seen anyone in 2 years so possibly a bit lonely. It was in a very small country town. I felt he was a bit shut off the day I left but asked if he could come visit me in my city. Our last night we got a lift home with him along with some locals whom he dropped off along the way. One of the local's (this guy didnt know we had gone out the night before) asked him in front of me how is his mrs was.... Hmmm is he still married? He replied with 'Things are not good'. The guy that asked was not a good friend but just a local in the town..Question is does this sound suss and do you think he is really still living with his wife? Did you really ask yourself if he was still married???? He did tell you that he was separated, so he is still married. And yes, it is very possible that he is still living in the same house. It is not too unusual. Some couples don't want to give up the home/house and neither want to leave, financial, so they become house buddies. I would imagine that it may be more difficult finding their own places and being able to financially maintain it in more rural areas. Certainly not ideal, but possible. I would be wary of such an arrangement if I am trying to develop a relationship, but if things are truly over (romantically, relationship-wise), then you will need to decide whether you can cope with the arrangement. If things develop, perhaps visiting the house and seeing how things are. Edited February 1, 2017 by simpleNfit
Author ozziegal8 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Posted February 1, 2017 I know he is still married but does his behaviour the detachedness and what the guy said in the car to him make it sound a bit suss as in perhaps he is not even separated
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 1, 2017 Posted February 1, 2017 I know he is still married but does his behaviour the detachedness and what the guy said in the car to him make it sound a bit suss as in perhaps he is not even separated Oh, goodness that is possible too. Again, he is still married to her, so the guy was not inaccurate by referring to her as the 'Mrs.' If interested, delve deeper and ask him. Sooner or later, you will need to visit the house if he is what he says he is.
elaine567 Posted February 1, 2017 Posted February 1, 2017 I think the guy in the car, if he is local, would not have mentioned the wife, if indeed your guy friend had been separated for 3 years as it would be common knowledge "in the village" and so why would he feel it necessary to ask about the wife? I think he mentioned the wife to alert you to the fact the guy has a wife and to also tell the guy "Wtf do you think you are doing here with this woman?" YOU need to work out what "separated" really means here. Separated in that "She has her place I have mine and we hardly or never see each other now." OR "We are only "separated" when I can get away and when I am trying to convince some other woman to sleep with me..." I would never advise anyone to get involved with people who have unfinished business with an ex and being only "separated" is definitely unfinished business. YOU will be the one who gets hurt here. 5
CloudyHead Posted February 1, 2017 Posted February 1, 2017 He is married . . . move on. The fact that you are questioning it is enough for you to realize that something isn't right. 3
d0nnivain Posted February 1, 2017 Posted February 1, 2017 You said it yourself. You haven't dated in 2 years & are lonely. This married man is not the solution to your problems. Leave it for what it was -- a flirtation over the weekend. Move on to somebody who is legally available to date you. 2
Zahara Posted February 1, 2017 Posted February 1, 2017 Ozzie, based on your past threads, there's been history with these types of men -- you've dated separated and married. It's time to pay heed and learn from those lessons and make better choices for yourself now. Lonely doesn't justify entangling yourself any further with this. And yes, he is still married. 3
Author ozziegal8 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Posted February 1, 2017 @zahara do you think its fair that you would bring up my 'past' threads which were over 3 years ago? i've only gone on one date with this guy and i came here to ask for help as i have nudge that something isn't right here, i have done nothing wrong. I really think its unfair of you to judge based on my past experience. In a court of law we are not allowed to know a persons past as it makes the jury judge. I've also been single for over 2 years so please keep those kind of comments to yourself. Thanks
d0nnivain Posted February 1, 2017 Posted February 1, 2017 Ozziegal I'm not judging. I myself dated a separated man but I independently confirmed he was not living with his wife before I started up with him. If in your past you have found yourself entangled with unavailable men, perhaps some soul searching is in order. You don't have to tell me or post the answer here in LS but what about these guys do you find attractive? Is that a quality you feel is missing in single men? Do you feel safer initially talking to them because they are taken? Do you find them more attractive because some other women wants them too? Even if you chose to ignore the above, my original advice stands: this is not a good option for you. Leave it as the flirty weekend it was. Don't look back & find somebody genuinely single & available to date. 1
Author ozziegal8 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Posted February 1, 2017 Ozziegal I'm not judging. I myself dated a separated man but I independently confirmed he was not living with his wife before I started up with him. If in your past you have found yourself entangled with unavailable men, perhaps some soul searching is in order. You don't have to tell me or post the answer here in LS but what about these guys do you find attractive? Is that a quality you feel is missing in single men? Do you feel safer initially talking to them because they are taken? Do you find them more attractive because some other women wants them too? Even if you chose to ignore the above, my original advice stands: this is not a good option for you. Leave it as the flirty weekend it was. Don't look back & find somebody genuinely single & available to date. Hi @Donnivain That reply wasn't directed to you at all it was for Zahara. I am not just attracted to unavailable men. I haven't wanted to be with anyone for 2 years and I haven't had anyone even remotely ask me out in that time because i have just been staying home and seeing friends. That guy over the weekend was the first guy that has asked me out in a long time, noone even single guy's have asked me out. So no its not about being attracted to attached men.
d0nnivain Posted February 1, 2017 Posted February 1, 2017 Hi @Donnivain That reply wasn't directed to you at all it was for Zahara. I am not just attracted to unavailable men. I haven't wanted to be with anyone for 2 years and I haven't had anyone even remotely ask me out in that time because i have just been staying home and seeing friends. That guy over the weekend was the first guy that has asked me out in a long time, noone even single guy's have asked me out. So no its not about being attracted to attached men. I knew your response wasn't directed at me but I also wanted you to think about the idea if you hadn't already. Remember I'm trying to help you from a vacuum because I don't know you. Again, this guy isn't worth pursuing. Enjoy the ego stroke that being flirted with gave you but don't seek more from him because he's really in no position to pursue you. Use his flirting as a little shot of self confidence & put yourself back out there to meet a more appropriate match. 1
Author ozziegal8 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Posted February 1, 2017 I think the guy in the car, if he is local, would not have mentioned the wife, if indeed your guy friend had been separated for 3 years as it would be common knowledge "in the village" and so why would he feel it necessary to ask about the wife? I think he mentioned the wife to alert you to the fact the guy has a wife and to also tell the guy "Wtf do you think you are doing here with this woman?" YOU need to work out what "separated" really means here. Separated in that "She has her place I have mine and we hardly or never see each other now." OR "We are only "separated" when I can get away and when I am trying to convince some other woman to sleep with me..." I would never advise anyone to get involved with people who have unfinished business with an ex and being only "separated" is definitely unfinished business. YOU will be the one who gets hurt here. Hey Elaine Great advice thanks. Your statement here; I think the guy in the car, if he is local, would not have mentioned the wife, if indeed your guy friend had been separated for 3 years as it would be common knowledge "in the village" and so why would he feel it necessary to ask about the wife? Is the thing that is also bothering me and questioning this whole situation. Why would that guy ask if after 3 years how's your mrs if they had been seperated for that time, 3 years is a long time esp in a small town, fair enough if it was 3 months but 3 years hmmm And the whole reason for my post was to ask questions where you wrote; YOU need to work out what "separated" really means here. Separated in that "She has her place I have mine and we hardly or never see each other now." OR "We are only "separated" when I can get away and when I am trying to convince some other woman to sleep with me..." Does his detached behaviour mean he is still living with her and together. On our last day there he messaged me and asked if i was popping into his pub to say goodbye, when i got there with my friend he didnt seem to want to stand near us just walking around and working and only gave me a kiss goodbye in the car park felt like he didnt want his work mates to see, I don't know maybe I am being paranoid but.... I have seen so much dodginess over the years just a feeling.
Author ozziegal8 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Posted February 1, 2017 I knew your response wasn't directed at me but I also wanted you to think about the idea if you hadn't already. Remember I'm trying to help you from a vacuum because I don't know you. Again, this guy isn't worth pursuing. Enjoy the ego stroke that being flirted with gave you but don't seek more from him because he's really in no position to pursue you. Use his flirting as a little shot of self confidence & put yourself back out there to meet a more appropriate match. Hi d0nnivain I am not attracted to those type of mean ANYMORE, over all the drama, the only reason this has happened is because he was the first guy in a very long time that has shown interest in me and it was flattering BUT I haven't been putting myself out there, I've been a hermit and lost my self confidence so it gave me an ego boost I spose.
kendahke Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 I met a guy over the weekend he was part owner of the local pub, he watched me all night the first night then 2nd night trying to talk to me all night. He told me he was separated 3 years not divorced, I haven't seen anyone in 2 years so possibly a bit lonely. It was in a very small country town. I felt he was a bit shut off the day I left but asked if he could come visit me in my city. Our last night we got a lift home with him along with some locals whom he dropped off along the way. One of the local's (this guy didnt know we had gone out the night before) asked him in front of me how is his mrs was.... Hmmm is he still married? He replied with 'Things are not good'. The guy that asked was not a good friend but just a local in the town..Question is does this sound suss and do you think he is really still living with his wife? Who he's living with is really neither here nor there. He's still legally married. Only divorce and a death dissolves a legal marriage. Unless you want to be "the other woman", I'd steer clear of him, because that's who you are going to end up being. 1
kendahke Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 (edited) do you think its fair that you would bring up my 'past' threads which were over 3 years ago? Past is prologue, hon. The same character has turned up in yet another body and your life lesson here is to know how to turn down men who are not legally available. The fact that you're here asking about who he lives with and ignoring the fact that he's married just because you're lonely says that you still haven't learned that life lesson. The fact that that stranger checked him in front of you says that he was going to keep deceiving you because you didn't know his back story. That's pretty selfish on his part and is shows a breathtaking disregard for your esteem... perhaps the reason why he is "separated" is because of how he acted with you. It is far better to be lonely than it is to willfully become involved with someone you know is married. Where he's living is non sequitur. That's all Zahara was implying. Edited February 2, 2017 by kendahke 2
lurker74 Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 Some people look at dating separated people as the same thing as dating a married person. Personally I think that's crazy. If someone is truly separated and not living with their spouse, there is the potential that they are ready to date. However, the only way you can find out is to ask. And verify the answer. Don't ask on LS... Ask him and listen to see if he's telling the truth. Proceed with caution with separated men but for goodness sake, being single doesn't guarantee that the is risk free. 1
Author ozziegal8 Posted February 2, 2017 Author Posted February 2, 2017 Past is prologue, hon. The same character has turned up in yet another body and your life lesson here is to know how to turn down men who are not legally available. The fact that you're here asking about who he lives with and ignoring the fact that he's married just because you're lonely says that you still haven't learned that life lesson. The fact that that stranger checked him in front of you says that he was going to keep deceiving you because you didn't know his back story. That's pretty selfish on his part and is shows a breathtaking disregard for your esteem... perhaps the reason why he is "separated" is because of how he acted with you. It is far better to be lonely than it is to willfully become involved with someone you know is married. Where he's living is non sequitur. That's all Zahara was implying. I have to disagree with you there kendahke, in the past I wouldnt even have posted on here until it was too late would have just jumped straight in. The fact that I am posting on here and asking if it sounds suss and willing to let him go without getting further involved show's an attribute of change. I am not on here to be judged my past. Lots of people even at my work are separated but not divorced and their reasoning is due to cost/stubborness by both partners and not paying for it and waiting for their kids to be older. I don't think in all cases people not being legally divorce is 100% they haven't let go there are all types of reasons
PinkPampies Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 What I think the other posters are trying to get at is he is still married, and if you're trying to avoid drama, the first response would be, "oh hell no" when finding out he's married. When people are only separated and not fully divorced, there is a greater chance of reconciliation. That's why most courts won't grant divorces for at least a year after being legally separated. Because there's a likelihood that they'll reconcile. When couples are ready to completely cut ties, then they divorce. When I divorced my husband, I was going to do it come hell or high water. And nothing was going to stop me. Sounds like you're ready to start dating again. Now that you've got some attention, roll with it and date around more. Single men would pick up on your confidence. Good luck! 2
lurker74 Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 That's why most courts won't grant divorces for at least a year after being legally separated. Because there's a likelihood that they'll reconcile. Sounds like you're ready to start dating again. Now that you've got some attention, roll with it and date around more. Single men would pick up on your confidence. Good luck! In not aware of the time frame being a year in most states. Most states its 60 to 90 days with no minor children and 180 days with, potentially waivable if the parties fully agree and a full parenting plan is in place. But I agree that either the spouse should be moved out (and not just to a friend's or relatives' place) and / or the divorce filed. As you stated, you were getting divorced come hell or high water so you were not reconciling. It didn't mean the person is ready to date but reconciliation post filing is relatively rare. The red flag here though is the three years thing. Get in with it already even if it's an insurance thing.
Author ozziegal8 Posted February 2, 2017 Author Posted February 2, 2017 Ozziegal I'm not judging. I myself dated a separated man but I independently confirmed he was not living with his wife before I started up with him. If in your past you have found yourself entangled with unavailable men, perhaps some soul searching is in order. You don't have to tell me or post the answer here in LS but what about these guys do you find attractive? Is that a quality you feel is missing in single men? Do you feel safer initially talking to them because they are taken? Do you find them more attractive because some other women wants them too? Even if you chose to ignore the above, my original advice stands: this is not a good option for you. Leave it as the flirty weekend it was. Don't look back & find somebody genuinely single & available to date. I think the guy in the car, if he is local, would not have mentioned the wife, if indeed your guy friend had been separated for 3 years as it would be common knowledge "in the village" and so why would he feel it necessary to ask about the wife? I think he mentioned the wife to alert you to the fact the guy has a wife and to also tell the guy "Wtf do you think you are doing here with this woman?" YOU need to work out what "separated" really means here. Separated in that "She has her place I have mine and we hardly or never see each other now." OR "We are only "separated" when I can get away and when I am trying to convince some other woman to sleep with me..." I would never advise anyone to get involved with people who have unfinished business with an ex and being only "separated" is definitely unfinished business. YOU will be the one who gets hurt here. I know what everyone is getting at here that he is separated and not divorced so outta bounds, I get that. That's not my initial question on here its the signs he was giving off not just the separated thing. What do you mean by the 3 year thing?
PinkPampies Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 Agreed. I think some states have moved away from 1 year and to what you mentioned above. Last I knew, jersey and New York were one year. Courts want to see a family intact and not split up. I got my divorce after being separated for a short time because it was uncontested and we never even went to court for it. Once you go through a divorce though, there's been so much mud slinging and anger and hurt that there's no going back. Separated couples indeed have a higher chance of reconciliation. Regardless, the op is asking for unwanted drama in this situation. He's still married. Either feelings will get hurt, or beads will roll. And some people will not start relationships while separated because they fear it may hurt them in the courtroom come divorce time. 1
PinkPampies Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 Op. signs he was giving off as interested? Of course! If he's separated he's not happy. He will be looking for company and you piqued his interest.
Popsicle Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 I don't date separated men but if you want to know if he's still living with his wife, that's easy, just ask to see his house (the inside!). 4
Author ozziegal8 Posted February 2, 2017 Author Posted February 2, 2017 Agreed. I think some states have moved away from 1 year and to what you mentioned above. Last I knew, jersey and New York were one year. Courts want to see a family intact and not split up. I got my divorce after being separated for a short time because it was uncontested and we never even went to court for it. Once you go through a divorce though, there's been so much mud slinging and anger and hurt that there's no going back. Separated couples indeed have a higher chance of reconciliation. Regardless, the op is asking for unwanted drama in this situation. He's still married. Either feelings will get hurt, or beads will roll. And some people will not start relationships while separated because they fear it may hurt them in the courtroom come divorce time. sure do seen it with a friend he started dating 3 week's after his wife left and she rolled him for a mill
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