HeartCease Posted February 1, 2017 Posted February 1, 2017 All I feel right now is tremendous anger! We got into another "fight" recently. Why is "fight" in quotes? Because what transpired was not what I would call a "fight". He calls it that. It was the same thing that almost ALWAYS happens. I say something, he hears what he wants to hear, and then he flies into a rage. It's not that I never get upset ... but more often than not, I am not upset or excited at all and he blows his top. He wants me to stop talking so that he can say any- and everything he wants to say ... and if I comply, he still refuses to hear my side afterwards. This time, like many other times, what I was trying to say was innocuous. I was trying to explain that I was finally able to see certain things his way. He interrupted [1] me, got way off topic, so I interrupted [2] him. This time, I refused to have my side shelved. He didn't like that. Mind you, he did not take objection to what I was saying. He took objection to the fact that I was saying anything at all when he didn't want me to. What I was saying corresponded to topic I was originally trying to discuss with him. I did not attack him or his way of thinking ... I was, as previously stated, explaining how I had come to agree with him on another matter. But because I would not stop speaking to hear him out (after he had ALREADY interrupted ME), he decided to say some very terrible, personal, hurtful things ... and then leave. So, why is it not a "fight"? Because HE was the only one upset, even after the things he said to me. I kept relatively calm and focused not on him or his provocations, but on the original topic. Anyway, days go by, and I haven't heard from him. Finally, I contact him hoping that we can work things out and come to some kind of understanding. People say things when they're angry. I know that. I do believe in self-control, but I understand that emotions can get the best of people sometimes (myself included). He declines to talk it out, and what little he does say is almost entirely focused on the fact (yes, "fact", I do not deny it) that I interrupted him. Never mind that I was interrupting [2] his interruption [1] of me. Never mind the dreadful things he said before he disappeared. He expressed no remorse, no regret, no apology whatsoever and indeed tried to make me feel like it was all my fault. I should feel bad for trying to express my side of things because he didn't want to hear it, but he gets to feel perfectly OK about the things he said to me? And that's always the way. When he wants to say any mean thing that comes to his mind, he's "just being honest". But when I want to talk about something that is of little interest to him (not attacking him in any way) I am supposed to divert; be silent; my honesty is unwelcome, even when it is not being used to tear him down. He talks about fairness constantly. I'm always supposed to be "fair" towards him. But in practice, he seems to think "fair" means doing everything his way all the time without hesitation. Well, I grew up understanding that "fair" means that all concerned are given the same consideration; that "fairness" is coming to a mutually beneficial agreement where all parties are having their needs met. But when I bring this truth to the table ... suddenly he doesn't feel "fairness" is relevant to the conversation (and even conveniently "forgets" that he's the one who brought up the concept of fairness in the first place). So yes, I am angry. I am furious. I am hurt. Why should I, once again, be the one to put my feelings aside and take responsibility for the situation? Why should I care that he's upset that I did something he did to me FIRST? Why should I care, when he's the one who started spewing venom and then left ... FOR DAYS ... without expressing any concern or remorse for the way he made ME feel? Why? Because I'm the one who sees the value of our connection. I'm the one who is willing to acknowledge that we all make mistakes; willing to apologize and ask forgiveness for the mistakes I make; willing to put us before pride, stubbornness, and my own feelings. I am the one who is NOT just willing to walk away because my feelings got hurt or he made me angry. But when does it get to a point where he realizes he does in fact make ME angry sometimes, as well? It's always about HIS anger. Everything has to stop because he's angry. And after it's all said and done ... no matter how awful his behavior when angry, I'm supposed to be the one to apologize, learn something from the situation, and try to handle things differently next time. NO! I have proven that I deserve to be considered, too, damn it! Why can't HE do the learning? Why can't HE ever be the one to try a different approach? WHY must I constantly exercise self-control while he relents to throwing full, unbridled, ELEMENTAL tantrums any time things can't go exactly according to HIS design? Why should I EVER give a single thought to "fairness" as it will benefit him, when he so adamantly refuses to do the same for me? When will he EVER treat me the way he expects me to treat him? WHEN?
Downtown Posted February 1, 2017 Posted February 1, 2017 WHY must I constantly exercise self-control while he relents to throwing full, unbridled, ELEMENTAL tantrums any time things can't go exactly according to HIS design?HeartCease, you may find some insight into his childish behavior in my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those red flags sound very familiar, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care.
d0nnivain Posted February 1, 2017 Posted February 1, 2017 He won't learn. He won't change. He sees nothing wrong with how he's behaving So you have two choices: 1). accept that this is the way it will always be or 2). vote with your feet & leave. I suppose technically you could stay & continue to be upset all the time. 2
hestheone66 Posted February 1, 2017 Posted February 1, 2017 My ex of 12 years, (with whom I ended things 8 glorious years ago), was exactly this. I've since learned about gaslighting and narcissistic personality disorder. The accusations of me being unfair, lazy, uncaring whilst calling me names and enjoying the luxury of my bending over to be good enough were just too much. Feb 2009 we had our last fight. .he spoiled a perfectly enjoyable evening with his inability to take responsibility... instead of me allowing things to degenerate further I left the room saying it was obvious he wasn't interested in listening to my point of view in defending another false accusation. I never spoke to him again...and I've been so happy ever since... Know you're worth better than his toxic attitude, he's a controller because without that he is completely empty.. Walk and don't look back. Your silence is your best weapon Good luck 2
mrs rubble Posted February 1, 2017 Posted February 1, 2017 My ex-husband was like that. It felt so good to leave him, I've never tolerated tantrum throwers since.
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