Periwinklestar Posted February 1, 2017 Posted February 1, 2017 I've reached my breaking point in my relationship with my bf of 4 years (minus a few months last year that we were broken up). The reason is his 'friendship' with this girl I'll call Esther. They never were in a relationship, but they have a sexual history, and it's apparent to me that she has had feelings for him ever since we got back together about a year ago. When my bf and I were getting back together, he tried to tell Esther about the news. Just bringing up that he was talking to me again set her off and she made it clear she didn't want to talk of me. He tried other times, but the same thing happened and so he gave up and decided to just not tell her, knowing it would otherwise cost him the friendship. Last week, she gave him an ultimatum concerning an ongoing fight they had been having for months. Thinking I am the ex, she had issue with me liking my bf's Instagram photos, him following my account, and overall, him giving me any attention. So she said: our friendship or block her on IG. My bf came to my defense and said her demand was ridiculous and he wouldn't do it. Unlike some empty threats she has given, she followed through and stopped talking to him..for the time being. For 3 days, my bf sobbed and was depressed over the loss. She texted him several times saying "you can fix this, you know how." Seeing him so sad killed me, and she kept pressuring him to do something he really didn't want to, so I deactivated my own account. She took that as him obeying her, so she went back to chatting him up like nothing had even happened. Knowing this was a temporary fix, he told me that I should re-activate my account. But now..he was saying that he was going to unfollow me. To him, doing what she wants would solve the issue. But for me it completely misses the point. What I can't get past is his lack of anger at her for putting him in that position, but more so the principle that doing what she wants directly undermines and de-legitimizes our relationship. In fact, my resentment has built up over time about the fact that he thinks it's cool for him to withhold from her the truth about us bc she doesn't want to hear it. Idk if people generally feel the same way about this, but for me, if my friend doesn't accept that I'm happy with someone, that is unacceptable. If someone in my life gave me an ultimatum to get rid of someone else in my life for no valid reason, I would ditch them, quick. But I guess that this is what I signed up for when I let him just keep the truth from her. I'm now at a crossroads, where I know something needs to change but I don't know what's best and how to do it. My bf has made it clear to me that he wants a long term future with me. He's even said that he knows he cannot be friends with Esther for the rest of his life. When he was distraught over thinking Esther ended their friendship I asked him, as I had before, if the reason he felt that sadness was because he had feelings for her. He said no, and that it was just the feeling of a close relationship loss. Plus that he figured the friendship would end by fading over time. But based on everything that has happened, I realized that if he doesn't end it now on his own will, he won't ever, and that ultimately means our relationship will not succeed. This has led me to consider just sharing my feelings and then leaving. Another part of me wants to just give him an ultimatum. I anticipate that he would either realize he will lose me or he'll choose her. Is an ultimatum in this case justified? Is it not even worth trying? But part of me wants to 'save' him from her, regardless of what happens to our relationship. I think their she is toxic. Maybe I'm just being dramatic, but it seems that no amount of attention he gives her or demands he completes is enough. There's always more. But he is in denial. How can I try to make him realize this? Based on his actions alone, it's easy for me to think he's a jerk who has done nothing but put his friendship before our relationship, but I always wonder if the reason is abandonment issues. His mom passed when he was 5 and his family (minus his dad who stayed overseas for work) moved to the US. This girl and I are two of the most consistent presences in his life. He's never felt scared to lose me because I don't frequently threaten him with our relationship, but I know he fears losing her. Am I just trying to defend him? If you read through this loooong post, I really appreciate it! TL;DR - My bf has been putting his friendship with a girl he has a history with over our relationship. Should I give him an ultimatum?
PinkPampies Posted February 1, 2017 Posted February 1, 2017 Wow. Do you not see how incredibly messed up it is that your boyfriend is lying to his "friend" about you? The only reason he would do that is to keep you both. And if you think there's nothing going on with him and her, I have a bridge to sell you. There's no need to give him an ultimatum. They don't work anyway. The truth is, he IS choosing her over you. Why are you accepting that? 4
ExpatInItaly Posted February 1, 2017 Posted February 1, 2017 OP, it sounds like he never broke it off with her at all. Are you sure this girl is not his other girlfriend? Because it sure looks that way. This is awfully suspicious and I would not believe for one second they're just friends. Sorry, girl. 3
central Posted February 1, 2017 Posted February 1, 2017 Your relationship is dysfunctional. No ultimatum is needed - just tell him it's time for you to move on, and start dating other guys. If you want to know more about what is going on, then post your bf/gf status on facebook, post on his wall something that makes it clear, and see what happens. THEN break up with him regardless. 1
d0nnivain Posted February 1, 2017 Posted February 1, 2017 If you give him an ultimatum he is likely to pick her just to be contrary. If I were you I'd just walk away. Normally I don't advocate spelling it out to someone why you are ending a relationship but here I would. Be careful though he may lie to you & say he severed ties with her & still keep in contact behind your back. 1
courtneykay Posted February 1, 2017 Posted February 1, 2017 Holy cow. I know we can only make speculations based on your posts because we don't have every single bit of information - but this relationship is NOT healthy. If they are just "friends," why would she care if his supposed "ex" was liking his stuff on Instagram? And give him an ultimatum to choose between her and you? That doesn't line up. People who are "just friends," don't do that. I know you care about him, and you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it really sounds like he is misleading you. I went through a similar situation with a guy who insisted that he was just "best friends" with a girl who he was constantly talking to. Nope, they weren't just friends, he was trying to have an entire relationship with her AND me. It sounds like that's what he is trying to do. He wants to keep both of you together. As the others have said already, I think this is something you should try to move on from. You deserve so much better and someone that will give you their full attention. You shouldn't have to worry about other girls. If you want to try to reconcile the relationship, then absolutely give him an ultimatum, but it doesn't sound like it is going to end well. You need to tell him how unhealthy and bizarre this behavior is. 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted February 1, 2017 Posted February 1, 2017 If you feel a need to give your partner, who is supposed to your better half, any kind of ultimatum then you should end it right now. The writing is on the wall my friend. No self-respecting human being would ever put off with this sh*t and continue jockeying for attention when it should be a no brainer. You're only setting yourself up for more heartbreak. Save your dignity and cut him loose. Good luck. 1
stillafool Posted February 1, 2017 Posted February 1, 2017 If he is your bf he should walk away from her, block her from everything and move on with you. Him sobbing over her says he is more into her than you know. He shouldn't be in contact with her. Why do you allow this? I agree with her it's either her or you.
TheParadox7 Posted February 1, 2017 Posted February 1, 2017 This happened to me back in 2014 with my ex. He texted me one afternoon to say that she (a girl he sometimes spoke to) "was more like the wife-type and I was more like the gf-type". I wasn't sure if he sent this to me by accident or not, so when I asked who he meant, he texted back the other girl's name, and said that he could have her, then. I made that decision for him (because he never really knew what he wanted; he's an indecisive person). I would rather be alone than be some man's mistress or girlfriend on the side. Funnily enough, it was when he realized that I was seriously breaking up with him did he offer to marry me. But I said no and began no contact shortly after. I had had enough of his nonsense and wasn't going to be sucked in again. 2
fromheart Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 I have many female friends, if they started to show an interest in me and I didn't feel the same way, especially if I was in a relationship, I'd make the boundaries very clear. As my friends, they would respect that. If they weren't mature enough to handle this basic fact then I would cease the friendship with them. If they had a problem with that, again I wouldn't want them to be in my inner circle as they aren't supportive of my life. I think your BF needs to have clearer boundaries with friends, otherwise its going to be detrimental to his relationship with you. I'd point that out to him for his own good as well as yours.
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