She knew she would marry me, but she passed me by

[Sweetfish]

Well, that's is what I thought until she said exactly the opposite. My "issues" start the day she tells me she always knew she would end up marrying me. Why? Because I just like anybody else used to think that she was with other guys because she was trying to find the right one. And then she couldn't knew who was going to be the last one. Am I wrong in thinking that most people think like this?

 

I talked to a friend whose girlfriend has had other guys before him. And he has had his own experience too. He told me he can bare with it because she says she wishes she could have known she was going to be with him. And then she would have saved herself for him. Now, of course that's impossible. But I think it's about thinking what she would have done.

 

My girlfriend tells me now that she knew she wanted me for a husband. And still she had sex with these other guys.

 

@TheWoman Let me ask you this: Would you have sex with a guy you find hot, if at the same time you had already decided who was the (other) guy you were going to marry?

 

 

 

The question of the relationship and the dynamics have been asked so many times and has been left unanswered to the point that real advice cannot be given.

[Poutrew]

Wow! 25 years ago, I met a woman, and on the day I met her, I knew I'd marry her.

 

At the time, I was dating the best girlfriend I ever had, bar none. She was so pretty, had a great body, she was fun, kind, loving, educated, independent, ambitious, friendly, everything and she f*cked like a PORN STAR and SHE LOVED ME. She loved me! ME! I knew I'd never do any better than her. She was everything a man might want. I wasn't looking for anybody or anything. We were together for about 3 years.

 

3 years later, I was married to the one I'd met 3 years before. I never changed my mind. I always considered the other one the best girlfriend I'd ever had. I never wanted to marry anybody but my wife. Seemingly contradictory, right?

 

Years later, my wife asked me about that when we were talking about her. I guess it had bugged her all this time, and she never really said anything.

 

I told her it was simple. There are things that you value in a girlfriend that you would not value in a wife. With a girlfriend, you're free. With a girlfriend, you're impressing your friends. With a girlfriend, you don't have to make any sacrifices.

 

But with a wife, there are things you value in them that you do not value in a girlfriend. With a wife, you are not free. With a wife, you are satisfying yourself, not impressing your friend. With a wife, you're happy to make the sacrifices.

 

Stop being so f*cking sensitive. She's had a bunch of guys, and after all that, she's chosen you. What exactly do you want from her? If you can't handle the uncomfortable subjects, the things that you'd rather not hear, you don't deserve her. You don't deserve to be married.

 

Now, grow up. There was life before you. Now there's life with you. Don't f*ck it up by wishing you were "the only one." That's beyond childish.

 

You can congratulate yourself on being so pragmatic in your world view. So, since you explained all this to your wife, I'm sure you would have no problem if she felt comfortable enough to tell you about the best boyfriend she ever had: Rudolpho the Magnificent. He was the smartest man she ever met. And his dog was so big she and her girlfriend used to play jump rope with it before they both went down on it. And, God, did he know how to do things to a woman that no one, you included, knew how to do. Then she goes on to tell you to not be so hurt - she was just playing and learning from Rudolpho. She knew she could never keep up with him or the competition from all the other young honeys vying for his attention, so she brought herself down to reality and found a nice, kind, gentle, prince charming to settle with. You.

 

I don't think I'd be the only one here who would take your indifference to the above scenario with a grain of salt. Of course, it is moebius' shyt sandwich to eat if he so chooses. To tell him to 'grow up' is being... somewhat not understanding...at the very least. My answer to his dilemma is what I have said previously. This relationship needs to be balanced for him to begin to feel comfortable. He needs to go out and get laid. Mistress. Only thing is, I would be up front with the girlfriend. I wouldn't do anything in secret. Now if the girlfriend wants to stay in the relationship badly enough she will not interfere. And yeah, she may not like it, but so what?

 

Note to women reading this post: The old saying is that words have meaning. Words can start wars. Look at the No. 10 can of whoop ass this woman unleashed into her life by simply saying the wrong thing in the wrong way to her man...

[Miss Spider]

Well, that's is what I thought until she said exactly the opposite. My "issues" start the day she tells me she always knew she would end up marrying me. Why? Because I just like anybody else used to think that she was with other guys because she was trying to find the right one. And then she couldn't knew who was going to be the last one. Am I wrong in thinking that most people think like this?

 

I talked to a friend whose girlfriend has had other guys before him. And he has had his own experience too. He told me he can bare with it because she says she wishes she could have known she was going to be with him. And then she would have saved herself for him. Now, of course that's impossible. But I think it's about thinking what she would have done.

 

My girlfriend tells me now that she knew she wanted me for a husband. And still she had sex with these other guys.

 

@TheWoman Let me ask you this: Would you have sex with a guy you find hot, if at the same time you had already decided who was the (other) guy you were going to marry?

 

Is this comment the only thing you see amiss in your rship? All I know is that if a guy came back and "chose" me after rejecting me, he'd have a lot to prove before I "chose" him.

Edited February 4, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[BluesPower]

You can congratulate yourself on being so pragmatic in your world view. So, since you explained all this to your wife, I'm sure you would have no problem if she felt comfortable enough to tell you about the best boyfriend she ever had: Rudolpho the Magnificent. He was the smartest man she ever met. And his dog was so big she and her girlfriend used to play jump rope with it before they both went down on it. And, God, did he know how to do things to a woman that no one, you included, knew how to do. Then she goes on to tell you to not be so hurt - she was just playing and learning from Rudolpho. She knew she could never keep up with him or the competition from all the other young honeys vying for his attention, so she brought herself down to reality and found a nice, kind, gentle, prince charming to settle with. You.

 

I don't think I'd be the only one here who would take your indifference to the above scenario with a grain of salt. Of course, it is moebius' shyt sandwich to eat if he so chooses. To tell him to 'grow up' is being... somewhat not understanding...at the very least. My answer to his dilemma is what I have said previously. This relationship needs to be balanced for him to begin to feel comfortable. He needs to go out and get laid. Mistress. Only thing is, I would be up front with the girlfriend. I wouldn't do anything in secret. Now if the girlfriend wants to stay in the relationship badly enough she will not interfere. And yeah, she may not like it, but so what?

 

Note to women reading this post: The old saying is that words have meaning. Words can start wars. Look at the No. 10 can of whoop ass this woman unleashed into her life by simply saying the wrong thing in the wrong way to her man...

 

Kudos to you Poutrew...

 

Everyone that is telling OP to get over it, IMHO, just don't get it.

 

This post explains it the best possible way. He was the last, safe, choice.

 

OP, you don't want to be that guy, your feeling are correct and justified...

[moebius]

I told her it was simple. There are things that you value in a girlfriend that you would not value in a wife. With a girlfriend, you're free. With a girlfriend, you're impressing your friends. With a girlfriend, you don't have to make any sacrifices.

 

But with a wife, there are things you value in them that you do not value in a girlfriend. With a wife, you are not free. With a wife, you are satisfying yourself, not impressing your friend. With a wife, you're happy to make the sacrifices.

I find your words as insulting as my girlfriend's. And yes, this looks like the exact same situation. And by reading your explanation I'm starting to feel that this is about how much you put into a relationship.

 

Some people throw themselves 100% into their significant other, other people just don't. I've loved my girlfriend 100% since the day we met. Even when she wasn't my girlfriend at the time. It never crossed my mind to chase another girl. And here is something interesting: I'm not stupid, I know my girlfriend isn't perfect and I've always know that. I've always know that I could find a girl better in this, better in that, if I started looking for that. But I wasn't interested because I was into her. And I guess she's never been that much into me. I guess that isn't fair. But I don't think that's her fault.

 

Probably we should take a break and I should see other girls. I'm sure I'll find girls better than her in some areas. And then we can get back together in the future. I should have done that in the past, I know. But I can't change the past, right? I'm serious about this.

[mightycpa]

You can congratulate yourself on being so pragmatic in your world view. So, since you explained all this to your wife, I'm sure you would have no problem if she felt comfortable enough to tell you about the best boyfriend she ever had: Rudolpho the Magnificent. He was the smartest man she ever met. And his dog was so big she and her girlfriend used to play jump rope with it before they both went down on it. And, God, did he know how to do things to a woman that no one, you included, knew how to do. Then she goes on to tell you to not be so hurt - she was just playing and learning from Rudolpho. She knew she could never keep up with him or the competition from all the other young honeys vying for his attention, so she brought herself down to reality and found a nice, kind, gentle, prince charming to settle with. You.

 

I don't think I'd be the only one here who would take your indifference to the above scenario with a grain of salt. Of course, it is moebius' shyt sandwich to eat if he so chooses. To tell him to 'grow up' is being... somewhat not understanding...at the very least. My answer to his dilemma is what I have said previously. This relationship needs to be balanced for him to begin to feel comfortable. He needs to go out and get laid. Mistress. Only thing is, I would be up front with the girlfriend. I wouldn't do anything in secret. Now if the girlfriend wants to stay in the relationship badly enough she will not interfere. And yeah, she may not like it, but so what?

 

Note to women reading this post: The old saying is that words have meaning. Words can start wars. Look at the No. 10 can of whoop ass this woman unleashed into her life by simply saying the wrong thing in the wrong way to her man...

Interestingly enough, we were just talking about the one that got away from her this AM. Truthfully, I don't care. It doesn't hurt my feelings in the least. That's just fantasy BS talking, because when the rubber hits the road, I'm the man and he's the memory.

 

If OP wants to be the memory, all he has to do is keep complaining about her past. There's always a reason they go. How's that for practical?

[TheWoman]

@TheWoman Let me ask you this: Would you have sex with a guy you find hot, if at the same time you had already decided who was the (other) guy you were going to marry?

 

No I would not. If there was someone out there I wanted to marry, Id be throwing myself at him, not some random hottie!

 

Which is why I do not buy it. I think she was trying to say something cute and romantic to you and messed up big time.

 

But are you just looking for a way out?

 

Don't blame you. You have probably got the seven year itch and you are young and inexperienced. Be interesting for you to see what else is out there. No need to find a reason to blame her for it though. You can just own that and do what is right for you.

 

Its decision time OP. Grow your relationship, get past this and move forward together, or leave.... Don't do nothing though, that is not fair on either of you.

[enddeck]

I find your words as insulting as my girlfriend's. And yes, this looks like the exact same situation. And by reading your explanation I'm starting to feel that this is about how much you put into a relationship.

 

Some people throw themselves 100% into their significant other, other people just don't. I've loved my girlfriend 100% since the day we met. Even when she wasn't my girlfriend at the time. It never crossed my mind to chase another girl. And here is something interesting: I'm not stupid, I know my girlfriend isn't perfect and I've always know that. I've always know that I could find a girl better in this, better in that, if I started looking for that. But I wasn't interested because I was into her. And I guess she's never been that much into me. I guess that isn't fair. But I don't think that's her fault.

 

Probably we should take a break and I should see other girls. I'm sure I'll find girls better than her in some areas. And then we can get back together in the future. I should have done that in the past, I know. But I can't change the past, right? I'm serious about this.

 

You should definitely take a break and have a few one night stands,after all according to your girlfriends logic it's ok to sleep with dozens of different people if it's just sex and you KNOW the person you are going to marry will be waiting.

Ask her how she feels about her staying celibate for six months while you have as much casual sex as you can get and then you will give her another chance.

If you stay with her and remain faithful you will always have the feeling of being settled for.

Nobody deserves that.

[Poutrew]

You should definitely take a break and have a few one night stands,after all according to your girlfriends logic it's ok to sleep with dozens of different people if it's just sex and you KNOW the person you are going to marry will be waiting.

Ask her how she feels about her staying celibate for six months while you have as much casual sex as you can get and then you will give her another chance.

If you stay with her and remain faithful you will always have the feeling of being settled for.

Nobody deserves that.

 

Moebius, this is good advice. And the sweet thing about it is that while you are on break, you don't really have to even see anyone, or do anything at all. The important thing is that she thinks you are having pornstar sex with random hotties

 

Only thing is, NEVER tell her the truth... seriously. Never.

[elaine567]

He wants "out" here to go sow some wild oats and he is now "blaming" his gf for it.

It is all just a bit cruel actually towards a woman who has invested 7 years in this relationship and merely said something cute and romantic which was deliberately taken up the wrong way by a man who just wants out...

[olivetree]

Probably we should take a break and I should see other girls. I'm sure I'll find girls better than her in some areas. And then we can get back together in the future. I should have done that in the past, I know. But I can't change the past, right? I'm serious about this.

 

Don't expect her to take you back after you go around spreading your seed.

The difference between your gf and you is that she hadn't actually experienced being with you when she "passed you by".

This won't be the same thing as she did at all.

 

Btw, this thread is so frustrating because you STILL haven't said what your relationship has been like.

If one sentence can erase the last 7 years, it must not have been that great.

[WaitingForBardot]

He wants "out" here to go sow some wild oats and he is now "blaming" his gf for it.

It is all just a bit cruel actually towards a woman who has invested 7 years in this relationship and merely said something cute and romantic which was deliberately taken up the wrong way by a man who just wants out...

FWIW, this is how I see it as well.

[Sweetfish]

He wants "out" here to go sow some wild oats and he is now "blaming" his gf for it.

It is all just a bit cruel actually towards a woman who has invested 7 years in this relationship and merely said something cute and romantic which was deliberately taken up the wrong way by a man who just wants out...

 

The O.P. post are sketchy and the flow of his responses are strange. Very hot and cold.

 

He waits years for her and doesn't have sex with another person. While she is with other men the whole time...the O.P. at the time not knowing if any of these relationship will turn into marriage.

 

So finally, you get the girl. Your dating for 7 years and she tells you that she knew you would be her husband.

 

I dont get it... why aren't you married or have kids?

[preraph]

You can congratulate yourself on being so pragmatic in your world view. So, since you explained all this to your wife, I'm sure you would have no problem if she felt comfortable enough to tell you about the best boyfriend she ever had: Rudolpho the Magnificent. He was the smartest man she ever met. And his dog was so big she and her girlfriend used to play jump rope with it before they both went down on it. And, God, did he know how to do things to a woman that no one, you included, knew how to do. Then she goes on to tell you to not be so hurt - she was just playing and learning from Rudolpho. She knew she could never keep up with him or the competition from all the other young honeys vying for his attention, so she brought herself down to reality and found a nice, kind, gentle, prince charming to settle with. You.

 

I don't think I'd be the only one here who would take your indifference to the above scenario with a grain of salt. Of course, it is moebius' shyt sandwich to eat if he so chooses. To tell him to 'grow up' is being... somewhat not understanding...at the very least. My answer to his dilemma is what I have said previously. This relationship needs to be balanced for him to begin to feel comfortable. He needs to go out and get laid. Mistress. Only thing is, I would be up front with the girlfriend. I wouldn't do anything in secret. Now if the girlfriend wants to stay in the relationship badly enough she will not interfere. And yeah, she may not like it, but so what?

 

Note to women reading this post: The old saying is that words have meaning. Words can start wars. Look at the No. 10 can of whoop ass this woman unleashed into her life by simply saying the wrong thing in the wrong way to her man...

 

He already knew what she'd been up to and he already knew he wasn't high on her priority list and he stuck around anyway. I guess he expected her to make up some pretty lie about why she's all of a sudden interested in him to make him feel better (and she did, but he didn't like it). Truth is anyone would have already faced the reality here long ago. Now he's facing it because she's been open about it and he can no longer keep his dignity by acting like he doesn't know.

 

This is an unbalanced relationship with two flawed people, one who has no boundaries and the other who knew it wouldn't walk away and find someone who cared about him. It's never going to work out between them. He will just end up saddled with child support payments and joint custody one day. She's been telling him this for years with her actions, if not her words, and I bet she told him with those too and he didn't want to hear it.

[Miss Spider]

You should definitely take a break and have a few one night stands,after all according to your girlfriends logic it's ok to sleep with dozens of different people if it's just sex and you KNOW the person you are going to marry will be waiting.

Ask her how she feels about her staying celibate for six months while you have as much casual sex as you can get and then you will give her another chance.

If you stay with her and remain faithful you will always have the feeling of being settled for.

Nobody deserves that.

 

Yeah. Tell that you agree with her that she's the one you have always known you would marry, only you never got to have fun like she did. Ask for a break and go do your thing. Then come back and say "okay I've had my fun now. We good?" I'm sure she'll be fine with it.

[Marc878]

A marriage or relationship needs to be balanced @ 50/50 if you do too much or two little it'll eventually fail. We all have value. Never forget that.

 

You are thinking about where you're at. It's a good thing. If you marry someone who just settled for you long term you'll be dealing with it at some point and it'll be more painfull the more time you put into it.

 

Never live the life of someone's doormat. It's a bleak existence. You must do what's right for you.

 

Good luck

[moebius]

Btw, this thread is so frustrating because you STILL haven't said what your relationship has been like.

If one sentence can erase the last 7 years, it must not have been that great.

This thread is huge and I can't reply every single thing here. There are even other discussion going on here that I don't even follow.

 

Our relationship has been normal, I guess. Probably not the best relationship in the world. But no one is, right? We had our god and bad times. But I've always been the one initiating sex (since someone else were asking about this too). Sex with her is good, in my opinion. But I'm not a porn star or something like that. I now completely doubt I'm good in bed at all. I don't feel like she loves having sex with me. And all this going on is kind of a confirmation of my feelings. In the past I haven't given those feeling much relevance. But now this is starting to make sense.

[moebius]

Am I looking for a way out?

 

Before this incident I wasn't thinking about breaking up. I wasn't unhappy with our relationship. I didn't even think about breaking up at first when she pissed me off with this. But since that happened I've been thinking about our relationship and the things I dislike. And some of them seem to have something to do with this. we have sex once a month. And it has been like that since the beginning. Probably at first we used to have sex like twice a month. I always felt like that wasn't enough but she constantly said that was totally normal. And I haven't something to compare with. From my friends I've heard they have way more frequent sex with their girlfriends. But you know, I always thought that they were exaggerating.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

OP as long as you're going down on her good and in the right spot, you're probably far from "Bad". Have some self confidence, you're setting yourself up to fail.

 

Who cares if she settled for you. If she's a worthy catch, you can take pride that you ended up with her, and not the jerks she's been with in the past.

[Sweetfish]

This thread is huge and I can't reply every single thing here. There are even other discussion going on here that I don't even follow.

 

Our relationship has been normal, I guess. Probably not the best relationship in the world. But no one is, right? We had our god and bad times. But I've always been the one initiating sex (since someone else were asking about this too). Sex with her is good, in my opinion. But I'm not a porn star or something like that. I now completely doubt I'm good in bed at all. I don't feel like she loves having sex with me. And all this going on is kind of a confirmation of my feelings. In the past I haven't given those feeling much relevance. But now this is starting to make sense.

 

Am I looking for a way out?

 

Before this incident I wasn't thinking about breaking up. I wasn't unhappy with our relationship. I didn't even think about breaking up at first when she pissed me off with this. But since that happened I've been thinking about our relationship and the things I dislike. And some of them seem to have something to do with this. we have sex once a month. And it has been like that since the beginning. Probably at first we used to have sex like twice a month. I always felt like that wasn't enough but she constantly said that was totally normal. And I haven't something to compare with. From my friends I've heard they have way more frequent sex with their girlfriends. But you know, I always thought that they were exaggerating.

 

 

 

There is something more... either your missing it or hiding it.

 

You waited to have sex for YEARS...now sex once a month concerns you?

 

is this relationship 50/50 or are you putting most the effort?

[Marc878]

Am I looking for a way out?

 

Before this incident I wasn't thinking about breaking up. I wasn't unhappy with our relationship. I didn't even think about breaking up at first when she pissed me off with this. But since that happened I've been thinking about our relationship and the things I dislike. And some of them seem to have something to do with this. we have sex once a month. And it has been like that since the beginning. Probably at first we used to have sex like twice a month. I always felt like that wasn't enough but she constantly said that was totally normal. And I haven't something to compare with. From my friends I've heard they have way more frequent sex with their girlfriends. But you know, I always thought that they were exaggerating.

 

Doesn't seem normal at your age.

[BluesPower]

Dude at your age...

 

Listen your friends are not exaggerating at all. At your age my GF and I were have sex twice a day man.

 

But once a month, good grief. This just confirms that she is and has been jerking you around.

 

You need to break up yesterday and get out in the real world.

 

You really have no idea what you are missing...

[WomenWubber]

Once a month seems like low libido territory to me, so it's not surprising you find that's not enough. Your gf may very well fall into low libido category; after all the sex she had she may feel she finally had enough of it. Or she may not and she's compromising for the sake of a potential marriage that looks great in other ways. Or she may be one of those who got burnt and feels she cannot do better (i.e. settling). I'm sure there are other scenarios I'm missing.

 

My point is you are playing those horror movies in your head because of one thing she said, as opposed to having a calm but honest talk with her to have a better idea of what/how you feel about each other. When you both calm down, I think you should try the latter.

 

Just my $0.02.

[moebius]

Yesterday I gave her a detailed explanation of how she makes me feel with all this. Writing here helped me a lot for doing that. She was in tears and told me she feels like she screw this up. And I told her she's right. And that I need some time to think about this. Then she started crying and begging me to not break it up. In the end I told her we could discuss this today, to calm her down. Not sure what to do. She is all sad now. But she hurt me a lot.

[BluesPower]

She does not want to lose safe boy...

 

You did well, but don't let her tears sway you. She actually lied to you that most people have sex once a month. That ought to piss you off even more.

 

She got to have all the monkey sex that she wanted with multiple men multiple times a day and multiple time a week while you were waiting in the wings.

 

Now, she does not want to lose her safe little beta boy (i.e., you). You are starting to wise up but you are not there yet.

 

When you talk ask her this: "Why did you lie to me and tell me that it is normal for people our age to have sex once per month?", "Why would you take me for such a fool?", "Do you enjoy sex with me as much as the other men you had sex with?".

 

You need to break up with her. One reason that she is crying is that she realizes in her arrogance, she will most like lose her safe beta boy that she wants to have a family with? That is what is upsetting her, the fact that you are not as stupid as she thought you were.

 

While you are at it, calmly ask her this question... Be completely calm and matter of fact like you know the answer but you are just asking to get her answer. And you watch her response...

 

Question: "How many men have you had sex with since we have been together?" Hopefully, you know her well enough to tell when she is lying.

 

I assure your that she has some FB's somewhere if not a full blown affair. Because she is not getting her sexual fulfillment from you only having sex once per month.

 

You really, really need to break up with her and live life for a while...