She knew she would marry me, but she passed me by

February 1, 2017

I've been with my girlfriend for seven years, but I've known her for eighteen years already. Since the first day a fell for her. And even when I tried to date her she would pass my by at that time. During those years she kept dating or just seeing good looking, but pretty stupid, guys. She had a lot of informal relationships.

I never liked that situation but seven years ago she came back to me. And we started dating properly. She is my second girlfriend but the only one I've been intimate with. I did a lot for overcoming the bad feelings from those years I waited for her. And it hasn't been a problem until three weeks ago she told me she always knew (from the time we met) she would end up dating me to build up a family.

I guess she said that thinking it was a sweet thing to say and I should probably take it that way. But I feel sick instead. She also said long time ago "there're guys you date for a boyfriend, and there're guys you date for having fun".

In the end what she is really telling me is I'm a good husband prospect. But for having fun she chose other guys to sleep around.

I was so pissed off that she noticed that. She said that i should be proud and I shouldn't mind about that. As I stood mad at her she tried to change the meaning of her words. But was pointless as it was so clear what she meant the first day.

Right now I find what she said offensive. But I love her and I don't want to break up a seven years relationship. I tried to ignore the whole thing but was useless. I can't stop thinking about it.

What should I do?

February 1, 2017

I really am not seeing the problem here. It IS true that some people do date for fun, and they don't see much more in people beyond good company and a nice evening out through town. I think you took her words a bit harshly here and what she really seems to be saying here is that she felt you were husband material, which you acknowledge in your post. However, at the time she likely wasn't ready for anything serious, which is why she passed you by. Why does it make you mad that she dated for fun, before you and her? The past that she lived did not include you. You have now been together for seven years and you're having some kind of revelation about what you should do because she told you that she saw you as more than just a fun date? I really don't understand. How does that screw up the 7 years of built up commitment that you have now?

February 1, 2017

Get off the oneitis and find a women who will not put you on the shelf like a bottle of powdered milk

February 1, 2017

Well, you look her right in the eye and tell her that there are women you can see being married to and they are called 'wife', and then there are women you can see having dirty, exciting fun with - and they are called 'mistress'. When she gets all upset knowing you see her as 'wife material' then you can tell her that what she is feeling is exactly how hurt your were when she said what she said. Now, if she objects, remind her that she was seeing all those other men and having wild monkey sex with them knowing full well that you were the man she was going to marry once she had finished sowing her wild oats. Remind her that you, on the other hand, were a virgin until you met her. Ask her how fair is that? Exactly.

So what are you going to do about equalizing this relationship? The ball's in your court...

February 1, 2017

OP, I think you completely twisted her words and are being ridiculous.

She was trying to give you a compliment, for heaven's sake. From my point of view, she meant that while she had fun with others, she wasn't serious about them. She is, however, serious about you. Why do you assume that means she's not also having fun with you?

I would advise you to stop creating problems where they don't exist.

February 1, 2017

I really am not seeing the problem here.

It about how she makes me feel by telling me now that she preferred those guys sexually, instead of me. I feel like she doesn't find me attractive at all.

How does that screw up the 7 years of built up commitment that you have now?

Well, I don't know. I don't want to. But it feel like sh!@#!

OP, I think you completely twisted her words and are being ridiculous.
She was trying to give you a compliment...

Probably she was. But what she actually said was she chose these other guys for having sex, while she actually liked me for a formal relationship. How can I believe her if she tells me that she finds me hot. Which she doesn't say vary often, but she sometimes does.

Edited February 1, 2017 by moebius

February 1, 2017

Well, you look her right in the eye and tell her that there are women you can see being married to and they are called 'wife', and then there are women you can see having dirty, exciting fun with - and they are called 'mistress'.

I feel like doing that. But I love her and I won't be able to.

Remind her that you, on the other hand, were a virgin until you met her. Ask her how fair is that?

It isn't fair and I don't blame her for that. That was something I did and I regret. But I always have found that natural. I was ok with that because I thought she just was into other guys. But now she tells me that by that time she already planned being with me. And here is something more about that. She always tried to keep us in touch. And I always thought that she wanted me as a friend. But now it looks more like she was saving me for later while she was having sex with those guys.

So what are you going to do about equalizing this relationship? The ball's in your court...

I don't know.

February 1, 2017

I wouldn't put myself in a position where I felt I was being settled for.

If you put more into a relationship that your partner it'll end badly.

Needs to be 50/50 or balanced

February 1, 2017

I do believe that she was complimenting you. I understand why you feel some of what you feel, but your idea of this relationship has been romanticized from the beginning. She is only your second gf and only one you've been intimate with. You've been waiting for her for 7-yrs. Yup, a romantic.

There are those who feel that she is now settling. I see that. She's finished having 'fun' and/or realize or admit that past guys, with whom, I am certain, she wanted more from, simply didn't deliver. Now she is coming to the one person she feels will give her the LTR she has sought (whether she wants to admit it or not). YOU.

I get why you are bothered, but you have the woman you want. Do what you can to make your long-held love and adoration for her meaningful by making the best of it. Look at it this way, if you can, she is settling for the best of the lot. Right? You do consider yourself worthy, no?

February 1, 2017

Well, you look her right in the eye and tell her that there are women you can see being married to and they are called 'wife', and then there are women you can see having dirty, exciting fun with - and they are called 'mistress'.

Umm, you do know that having dirty (and I mean dirty) exciting fun and the "wife" or "husband" title aren't mutually exclusive, right? I couldn't see someone as marriage material unless we were having that dirty exciting fun.

Moebius, how's your sex life? Frequent, passionate, full of exploration and adventure or rather "meh"?

If the sex is great, she just wanted to sow some oats and get it out of her system before settling down with you. If the sex is "meh", well, sorry, she's there because you're steady and stable and you might want to reconsider this whole relationship.

After 7 years, why aren't you married? Is it because there is something wrong with the relationship, some fatal flaw? Are one or both of you uncertain? Just don't want to get married?

February 1, 2017

I wouldn't put myself in a position where I felt I was being settled for.

If you put more into a relationship that your partner it'll end badly.

Needs to be 50/50 or balanced

At first read you might think that she was implying she was "settling", but...I don't think this was the case as she was opening herself up to him and admitted that she had her "good times" with these guys.

And it is true, there are people that just date to fool around with and have fun, but not bother with for a serious relationship.

Men do it all the time, I hear that some men have banged women they'd NEVER marry much less have kids with...but wind up happily married in the future *Go figure right*? lol

But from your post, she is admitting that she's put that ALL behind her, right? As she is confessing this to you as water under the bridge.

February 1, 2017

Umm, you do know that having dirty (and I mean dirty) exciting fun and the "wife" or "husband" title aren't mutually exclusive, right? I couldn't see someone as marriage material unless we were having that dirty exciting fun.

Moebius, how's your sex life? Frequent, passionate, full of exploration and adventure or rather "meh"?

If the sex is great, she just wanted to sow some oats and get it out of her system before settling down with you. If the sex is "meh", well, sorry, she's there because you're steady and stable and you might want to reconsider this whole relationship.

After 7 years, why aren't you married? Is it because there is something wrong with the relationship, some fatal flaw? Are one or both of you uncertain? Just don't want to get married?

The questions that she is asking are what you need to decide about. However, since you have only had sex with one woman I am not completely sure how you decide the status of your sex life. Just having sex is probably a dream come true for you because you were a virgin when you met.

I understand that this was your decision, and realize that it was a mistake, but I have to say it may have been a much bigger mistake than you understand.

But if your sex life is not stunning between you and her, I just don't know. There is going to be such an imbalance between the 2 of you sexually I am not sure how you deal with that.

Further I get that her statement is not a compliment to you. It is not....

Being the stable husband material beta boy is not where you want to be in a relationship. A lot of women see this guy and think "Safe", "Steady", "Boring" but he will be a great dad and make a good living for me.

What man wants that??? I was pretty much the bad boy when my STBXW met me so this stuff is not the issue for us. But she knew me and I was already educated and had some high earning potential. That is what she went for. And I was a great husband and father, but when I realized that she just really did not love me and really did not desire me the way that I wanted, she was toast.

She realizes her mistakes for the most part but at that point it was too late. I already had several girls that really loved me and really wanted to be with me.

Do not put yourself in second place for any woman. They either want you above all others for the right reasons, or you send them down the road...

Edited February 1, 2017 by BluesPower

February 1, 2017

For eleven ****in years she slept around with numerous guys and when she had enough of that she decided to give faithful dobbin a turn.I seen exactly this scenario played out when I was younger and worked abroad for a while.One of my colleagues had a girl at home who was crazy about him but they had never even gone out together once.He slept around for years and when he hit his thirties he decided to marry her and she jumped at the chance.He swore to us she was still a virgin and he always had a good laugh at the idea of it.

She spent her best looking years with other guys but now that the bloom is off the rose you can have her to get old with.She has no respect for you,she knew you were in love with her but she treated you like dirt,and this thought will fester in your mind for the rest of your life.

February 1, 2017

I too saw her statement as her need to sow wild oats before settling down. She probably knew herself well enough to know that if she chose you way back when it would not have worked because she wasn't ready.

However, her statement that she preferred them to you sexually was hurtful. I don't know if I could get past my potential spouse saying that to me. That does feel like settling.

Why have you been together for 7 years now without getting married? That is a long time.

It also seems that you can't move past her promiscuous past & you want to some how hold it over her head forever. That is not fair. You have to judge her based on the kind of GF she has been to you. Was she faithful & loving inside your relationship? That is what is important, not how she behaved before you were together. However, if you can't completely let it go, don't marry her. There is no point. She also has to stop comparing you to prior lovers. That is not fair either.

February 1, 2017

Just tell her if she really wanted to marry you all those years she would have been with you and the fact she wasn't still irritates you. And that it would probably be best she not bring stuff like that up in the future. If she doesn't have the skills to handle it properly.

February 1, 2017

"there're guys you date for a boyfriend, and there're guys you date for having fun".

That is such a classic concept, and is what the whole Alpha-Beta male thing is about. Women want to bang the alpha to secure their dominant genes, then find a docile beta to raise her children. The beta is a good provider, and doesn't stray, very dependable. She can't tame the alpha, can't force him to stick around, and he may get a few other women pregnant which spreads thin his resources for her child.

And look how well you fit into it. She's the ONLY woman you've been with. You ARE a great beta husband.

But in the end, this is about you. Why blame her for your qualities? You're mad at her for telling you truthfully who you are. Would you rather she lie? She's not responsible for who you are/became.

Another important question, is why are you still bitter and holding a grudge for her passing you by so many years ago? You need to clear up all of that negative BS floating in your head. It's poisoning this relationship and will in any future relationships as well.

February 1, 2017

I too saw her statement as her need to sow wild oats before settling down. She probably knew herself well enough to know that if she chose you way back when it would not have worked because she wasn't ready.

I saw it this way too.

For clarification, did she tell you she preferred these other guys sexually or is that what you are guessing from the conversation?

February 1, 2017

You've had these deep insecurities your whole life. You never dealt with them, never dealt with not feeling good enough for women. You simply covered them up and settled happily when this woman finally gave you a chance. Now you're using her as an excuse to uncover those insecurities again.

It's not about her. It's about your lack of confidence and feelings of inadequacy. Stop using her as a smoke screen and deal with the real issues.

February 1, 2017

First I just have to say that guys do that to women all the time, choose one type to sleep with and hang out with and then try to find someone mild and obedient to marry so they'll look the other way and take care of everything.

So of course, you don't like it, and nor should you. This is not a compliment. She has a double standard, just like all those guys do who routinely do this type thing. And people with double standards are childish and insulting and, most importantly, not reconciled with their own self!

I would hold out for someone who loves and is attracted to you.

February 1, 2017

The minute you get married... your signing your divorce.

I promise you that.

Think long and hard about this.... you get married have kids.. you believe this women will submit to your marriage for 18 years.

It appears you lack sexual skills. I assume as you've had sex with 1 person.

She pointed out your not exciting... im mean POINT BLANK.

Words < Actions

The minute you get married your going to be paranoid at every guy she laughs with and talks to. Its already creeping under your skin.

You've been chasing this girl.

What about you ? Do you have a house and good job? Are you where you wanna be?

February 1, 2017

I thought I wrote comment on this, but maybe I forgot to send it... so...

The right thing to do:

You shouldn't be bothered by something so insignificant which has absolutely no influence on your current life. Your fiance just tried to give you a compliment. Maybe she did it wrong, but her intention was good and honest. You should focus on the real and important things in your life which are very good.

What I would do:

I know my weaknesses, and I know I couldn't pass through this. Yes, I would probably try to calm myself, and go to counseling, and maybe therapy, and what not, but after all these I would probably leave her.

I know I couldn't release my mind from thinking that I still have a chance to find a woman who will find me attractive to have fun with + will find me a relationship worthy, both at the same time. Anyway I wouldn't want to marry and spend my life with someone who finds me as a compromise to settle with, after she finished choosing other guys to living it up with them, partying with them, having fun with them.

To that I would say calmly, sadly and with no anger - "No thank you, the deal you're offering me is not attractive enough. Thank you for being honest, I'm leaving you".

February 1, 2017

She was honest with you yeeears later.. think about that

February 1, 2017

She just told you the truth. If you don't want to be someone's settling option, as soon they pass you by/reject you, don't wait around on the backburner until they decide to be with you. It makes no sense.

Edited February 1, 2017 by Cookiesandough

February 1, 2017

You already knew the truth but you managed to push it to the back of your mind. The reason why you feel sick is because she has forced you to face this truth and now you can no longer ignore it.

All you need to do is ask yourself this one very simple question.

Do you think that a man that had high self esteem, knew his own value, had self respect for himself and valued himself would have waited for her?

The honest answer to those questions holds the key with what you do next.

Personally I'd rather die alone in a ditch than be with someone that saw me that way but everyone has different views.

February 1, 2017

LEt me ask you something: You see someone you feel all sorts of chemistry with. Do you ever say, no, she is too right for me I'll pass for now and see if she is still around later on when I feel like settling down. Hell no!

Well guess what, women aren't really any different. I mean, read the threads on here and see for yourself.

The ladies here who say you (the OP) should take this as a compliment are missing something very fundamental. A female would much rather be that woman a man would want to settle down with, than be known as the girl he hooks up w for a good time. So many of you ladies would take the OP's fiancee's comment as a sign of RESPECT. A male, however, would much rather be the man a woman just can't resist sexually and has to be with right now, than be known as the guy she can count on for a commitment later on. He would take OP's fiancee's comment as an INSULT to his masculinity.

I'd seriously consider breaking up.

Meanwhile yes, that you have been together 7 years and not married is an eyebrow-raising fact. Why the delay is what I am wondering.

Edited February 1, 2017 by Imajerk17

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She knew she would marry me, but she passed me by

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