Boyfriend is suddenly stressed/depressed, not sure ?

[iivory]

Sorry, this may be long but I need some advice because I'm becoming confused. Maybe I'm just overreacting to my whole situation, but I don't know what to do.

 

I've (20F) been with my boyfriend (22M) for only a few months. We hit it off great, everything was perfect at the beginning. We were both happy and I saw nothing wrong with our relationship. He was obsessed with me, even.

 

Of course things slightly simmered down over time, but overall he still seemed happy. Some days though, he would just say he feels ... "meh". Out of nowhere. I'll admit I'm insecure and would assume it's about me, but he assured me it was because he was stressed, his mom, his car, job, wanting to move out, etc. And I understood that.

 

Anyway, this past month or so he's been ... different. He was out of work for around a month or so (His company let him leave for the holidays), and all he did was sit in his room and play games on his PC (Especially WoW). He gained weight, so he says, and there'd be some days he'd come off as distant and cold.

I'd be in his room with him, and he wouldn't pay attention to me, on his phone, computer, w/e. He'd seem moody, turn his back to me in bed, not really say anything, not want sex, just out of nowhere. And it made me feel upset too. He felt "meh". (That's what he says)

 

I didn't express my concerns because I didn't want to be "that annoying girlfriend". But the next day he seemed like his goofy joking self again.

 

 

These past couple of days took a huge turn, it's almost like he did a complete 180.

 

He was texting me like he normally would, sending selfies, he called me "cutie", blah blah. And then over a few hours, the messages went to dull, boring, one word texts. I told him I missed him and wanted to see him and all he said was "When?". I replied "I don't know, whenever I guess.", and all he said was "I feel meh.".

 

I tried to get him to talk to me about it, he just kept saying "meh idk", or ":/". He told me he was depressed and feeling anxious. I got slightly panicked thinking it was about me and asked him if I did anything. "No." I asked him if it was about me at all. No reply, until I texted him again later and he said "sorry, I dozed off."

I told him I was worried about him and he said sorry.

 

The next day he didn't text me like he usually does when he gets to work, so I texted him first - just a "Hey babe, how are you?"

He called me babe too, but he's still feeling meh. He was still going with the one word texts, like "why" and such. I didn't reply for a few hours when I was working and he ended up texting me a sad face when I didn't reply.

 

I asked him if he wants me to stop bothering him, and he said, "No you're fine"

 

I told him I'm confused and worried about him. I asked him how work was and got him to open up to what may be the problem.

 

He's a chef and hates his job, his boss, I've had to listen to him rage about it. I don't know when it happened, but his boss fired 2 chefs, and 2 more quit. They were his friends too. So now he's picking up the slack for 4 other people and thinking about quitting and finding something else himself.

 

He was sending longer texts at this point. I told him he should look for a new job (I've been saying this for a while), because he deserves better. All he said was "yeah".

 

 

Yesterday, he texted me first, asking what's up. I told him about my day and asked him how he's feeling. "Still meh".

I tried to lighten up a bit and tell him about what I'm doing my day off, going clothes shopping at the mall with my sister. "That's good"

 

He seemed a little "jokier" than he's been. Told me he's dealing with dumb stinky work. Made a inside joke in between us. And then he said something weird and I didn't know how to respond.

 

He made a personal joke, "Don't go to the ___". I responded "Maybe I want to ____"

 

Then his reply was a really cold "You don't know what you want."

I was just like "What does that mean?" "idk"

He said he was confused about what we were even talking about, and said "was joking" to that other text.

 

I asked him again, "Do you just want me to leave you alone for a little while?" and he said "no"

 

I told him I have had the feeling he doesn't want to talk to me lately, and he asked me why. I told him I've just gotten those vibes and he sent a :/

 

I told him I'm there for him if he needs anything because I love him. And he said Thank you, and that was that. I have no plans to see him anytime soon even though we have the same day off this week.

 

--

 

I don't really know what to do. I'm only assuming his sudden depression and anxiety were caused by losing 4 friends at an already stressful job, but I mean this change in him was so sudden and unexpected.

I keep trying to focus on myself but the thoughts keep creeping in, "Does he just not like me anymore?" "Is he going to break up with me?" "Is he just pushing me away so I won't like him anymore?"

 

I told myself "I'm going to give him space and not bother him!", but then he texted me trying to talk to me...

 

This guy does have a history of severe mental illness and self harm. I think he said something about bipolar in his family, too.

 

I'm just at loss here.

 

Thank you to whoever takes the time to read this, I don't have anybody else I can turn to about this.

[Space Ritual]

Sorry, this may be long but I need some advice because I'm becoming confused. Maybe I'm just overreacting to my whole situation, but I don't know what to do.

 

I've (20F) been with my boyfriend (22M) for only a few months. We hit it off great, everything was perfect at the beginning. We were both happy and I saw nothing wrong with our relationship. He was obsessed with me, even.

 

Of course things slightly simmered down over time, but overall he still seemed happy. Some days though, he would just say he feels ... "meh". Out of nowhere. I'll admit I'm insecure and would assume it's about me, but he assured me it was because he was stressed, his mom, his car, job, wanting to move out, etc. And I understood that.

 

Anyway, this past month or so he's been ... different. He was out of work for around a month or so (His company let him leave for the holidays), and all he did was sit in his room and play games on his PC (Especially WoW). He gained weight, so he says, and there'd be some days he'd come off as distant and cold.

I'd be in his room with him, and he wouldn't pay attention to me, on his phone, computer, w/e. He'd seem moody, turn his back to me in bed, not really say anything, not want sex, just out of nowhere. And it made me feel upset too. He felt "meh". (That's what he says)

 

I didn't express my concerns because I didn't want to be "that annoying girlfriend". But the next day he seemed like his goofy joking self again.

 

 

These past couple of days took a huge turn, it's almost like he did a complete 180.

 

He was texting me like he normally would, sending selfies, he called me "cutie", blah blah. And then over a few hours, the messages went to dull, boring, one word texts. I told him I missed him and wanted to see him and all he said was "When?". I replied "I don't know, whenever I guess.", and all he said was "I feel meh.".

 

I tried to get him to talk to me about it, he just kept saying "meh idk", or ":/". He told me he was depressed and feeling anxious. I got slightly panicked thinking it was about me and asked him if I did anything. "No." I asked him if it was about me at all. No reply, until I texted him again later and he said "sorry, I dozed off."

I told him I was worried about him and he said sorry.

 

The next day he didn't text me like he usually does when he gets to work, so I texted him first - just a "Hey babe, how are you?"

He called me babe too, but he's still feeling meh. He was still going with the one word texts, like "why" and such. I didn't reply for a few hours when I was working and he ended up texting me a sad face when I didn't reply.

 

I asked him if he wants me to stop bothering him, and he said, "No you're fine"

 

I told him I'm confused and worried about him. I asked him how work was and got him to open up to what may be the problem.

 

He's a chef and hates his job, his boss, I've had to listen to him rage about it. I don't know when it happened, but his boss fired 2 chefs, and 2 more quit. They were his friends too. So now he's picking up the slack for 4 other people and thinking about quitting and finding something else himself.

 

He was sending longer texts at this point. I told him he should look for a new job (I've been saying this for a while), because he deserves better. All he said was "yeah".

 

 

Yesterday, he texted me first, asking what's up. I told him about my day and asked him how he's feeling. "Still meh".

I tried to lighten up a bit and tell him about what I'm doing my day off, going clothes shopping at the mall with my sister. "That's good"

 

He seemed a little "jokier" than he's been. Told me he's dealing with dumb stinky work. Made a inside joke in between us. And then he said something weird and I didn't know how to respond.

 

He made a personal joke, "Don't go to the ___". I responded "Maybe I want to ____"

 

Then his reply was a really cold "You don't know what you want."

I was just like "What does that mean?" "idk"

He said he was confused about what we were even talking about, and said "was joking" to that other text.

 

I asked him again, "Do you just want me to leave you alone for a little while?" and he said "no"

 

I told him I have had the feeling he doesn't want to talk to me lately, and he asked me why. I told him I've just gotten those vibes and he sent a :/

 

I told him I'm there for him if he needs anything because I love him. And he said Thank you, and that was that. I have no plans to see him anytime soon even though we have the same day off this week.

 

--

 

I don't really know what to do. I'm only assuming his sudden depression and anxiety were caused by losing 4 friends at an already stressful job, but I mean this change in him was so sudden and unexpected.

I keep trying to focus on myself but the thoughts keep creeping in, "Does he just not like me anymore?" "Is he going to break up with me?" "Is he just pushing me away so I won't like him anymore?"

 

I told myself "I'm going to give him space and not bother him!", but then he texted me trying to talk to me...

 

This guy does have a history of severe mental illness and self harm. I think he said something about bipolar in his family, too.

 

I'm just at loss here.

 

Thank you to whoever takes the time to read this, I don't have anybody else I can turn to about this.

 

 

Sounds to me like garden variety depression. Climate sometimes has a lot to do with it...Weather, that is, not you.

 

If you say he has a family history of mental illness that may also play into it.

 

My family has it too. I really do not think it has anything to do with you. Restaurant work is also a pretty high stress environment, especially being a chef. In that capacity you are always being judged by the dishes you prepare and sometimes if someone does not like it that alone can send someone who spent a lot of time crafting it into a tailspin. Chefs are totally dependent on the accolades or lack of by the people they serve. So I really do not think it has anything to do with you per se.

 

But that does not mean you can't give him a "helpful nudge" and kind of push him to perhaps see a doctor.

 

In situations like this, although some people will outwardly act as if they don't want any input form anyone else, that is exactly the thing they are screaming for.

 

You are doing what you can, and I applaud you. You actually have sought out advice in an anonymous forum. Many people would totally internalize it and leave the person high and dry without even seeking advice.

 

I'm sure others will be along and give you some other options. Again I don't think you are doing anything wrong. Sometimes being there for someone is just as important as anything.

 

Good Luck.

[smackie9]

Welcome to dating someone who has mental illness. There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING you can do. He has to take the responsibility to get treatment and maintain it.

 

He used your relationship as a crutch to make himself feel good, like getting high on drugs, that is why he had "obsessive" behavior. Now that things go bad in his life, he has turned to gaming to get his "high" from. Those meh messages are like that because he is playing wow while he is texting you. His focus is on the game. I play wow myself, and it's like crack as my friend had put it when I got her into it lol.

 

Just my personal advice....you are way too young to be wasting your time in a relationship with someone who has mental illness. It will defeat you in the worse way. Get out while you can.

[hippychick3]

Welcome to dating someone who has mental illness. There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING you can do. He has to take the responsibility to get treatment and maintain it.

 

He used your relationship as a crutch to make himself feel good, like getting high on drugs, that is why he had "obsessive" behavior. Now that things go bad in his life, he has turned to gaming to get his "high" from. Those meh messages are like that because he is playing wow while he is texting you. His focus is on the game. I play wow myself, and it's like crack as my friend had put it when I got her into it lol.

 

Just my personal advice....you are way too young to be wasting your time in a relationship with someone who has mental illness. It will defeat you in the worse way. Get out while you can.

 

Yes, please pull back and detach yourself from this guy. It's only been a few months, don't waste years. You are way too young to get entangled in his demons. You have your whole life ahead of you and can be easily dating an emotionally healthy guy who will care about your needs give you the attention and love you deserve. Nothing good will come out of this relationship.

[iivory]

Thank you both for your replies.

 

I won't lie, I have thought about leaving him before as it's so hard to deal with. At this point I'm just going to stand back and let whatever happen, happen.

 

This is only my second relationship too.

 

I also suffer with bouts of horrible depression and anxiety, which is why I'm trying so hard to help him.

I'm just going to see if he comes back to me again, otherwise I can't handle this.

[Redhead14]

Thank you both for your replies.

 

I won't lie, I have thought about leaving him before as it's so hard to deal with. At this point I'm just going to stand back and let whatever happen, happen.

 

This is only my second relationship too.

 

I also suffer with bouts of horrible depression and anxiety, which is why I'm trying so hard to help him.

I'm just going to see if he comes back to me again, otherwise I can't handle this.

 

When someone tells me or shows me that they want/need space, I become NASA. They can contact Houston when/if they figure out what their problem is. If they take too long, they may not have a place to land their aircraft. And, if they do it often, I will pick up the landing pad so that they cannot use it again.

 

For now, just let him be for a few days. When/if he reaches out again, be receptive and positive. If he's taking a week or more, you should reach out and let him know how that you understand he is dealing with stressful issues right now but that his distancing makes you feel left out. If he makes a better effort at least for you, great. If he's dismissive or doesn't at least attempt to accommodate you, you end the relationship.

[iivory]

When someone tells me or shows me that they want/need space, I become NASA. They can contact Houston when/if they figure out what their problem is. If they take too long, they may not have a place to land their aircraft. And, if they do it often, I will pick up the landing pad so that they cannot use it again.

 

Although I'm covered in tears right now this gave me a smile, thank you.

 

This is exactly what I'm going to do. I need to worry about myself and go shopping

[d0nnivain]

How do you know he's depressed? If he has self harm in his past, does he still have a therapist? If so let that professional handle this. As his GF you are way out of your depth.

 

 

You are making an awful lot of assumptions based on the frequency & content of a bunch of text messages. You can tell him that in light of his family history, what he shared about his past & what you have observed you are worried but don't push too hard.

 

 

You have only been together a few months & that includes over the holidays while he was out of work. You really don't even know this guy.

 

 

He may have been moody over the holidays because they were the holidays which have a negative effect on many people. He had added stress while his income was low.

 

 

He also works at a job he doesn't like with limited job security in light of the 4 person change over. That would make anyone feel "meh" Cut him some slack.

 

 

That said, I don't see real hope of his communication patterns changing too much. If this is not working for you now, what is the sense of hanging around? It will only be harder to end this relationship months later.

[iivory]

How do you know he's depressed?

 

He did tell me he's feeling depressed and anxious. Not sure if he still has a therapist.

 

I've been overwhelmed with how suddenly it happened though. Just in the past few days and he barely speaks to me now. My own thoughts and feelings are going haywire at this point and unfortunately I can't stop it.

[VeveCakes]

In addition to what others have said, maybe you need to stop texting so much and have an actual phone or face to face conversation. Texting leaves so much emotion out of everything.

[DarrenB]

I'll try and give my input and my perspective to be as relevant as possible.

 

You see, I hold a lot of empathy for your boyfriend. A lot of the same troubles (at the time - 1-2 years ago) really seemed to make me become more timid towards certain things, neglect my loved ones and try to resolve things independently but only in time make matters and cases worse, in regards to personal/work and general relationships with others.

 

From all that's transpired in this particular scenario between the two of you, it's safe to not only assume but to realize that he is in fact probably incredibly stressed and he's either a) not dealing with it well enough, therefore having to keep you and others within a certain distance of him so that he can try and resolve what is keeping him within this aura of stress and isolation or b) Losing all sorts of feelings and emotions towards you and others because he can no longer cope himself for what he seems to be going through.

 

Now, from personal experience... please do not blame yourself, at all for the way he is and for the way things currently are. You are not in the wrong, and in all fairness neither is he. We all react and endure things differently, some a lot better, some a lot worse. There is no in between. Reading on similar stories like this, it really demoralizes and saddens me because I had lost the person I love due to inconvenience of how the relationship between us were when I became incredibly pessimistic due to what I was previously going through, and having become insanely stressed at home, work and just about anywhere. Whether I was actually depressed/truly pessimistic or stressed beyond extents is still an enigma to me, still yet to be deciphered but it doesn't matter to me really now, as I've overcome that struggling period of my life (thankfully, haha).

 

I'm not sure what to suggest, but there is options, there always is. You can choose from your own behalf to leave him indefinitely or leave him in the meantime, so that he can focus independently on what he is going through. Some might say it's the wrong thing to do, but it'll be beneficial because a) you won't feel burdened and neither will he and b) he will potentially become more wiser and be able to avoid the same issues in the future, if he is able to cope and manage by himself. You can decide to stay with him and continue how you are, but again from my personal experience, if it is in fact too much for you to bear and there are signs like you have stated such as neglect and serious 'depression' from his behalf, it really is not worth going through the continuous pain and suffering of which you will both bestow onto each other. It really isn't, trust me.

 

If he does say that he is depressed and feeling anxious, I don't know whether or not it should be an immediate trip to a physiologist or therapist, but a trip to the local doctors to get a diagnosis wouldn't be bad. Regardless, the issue has to be acknowledged, if it's left to be neglected you can only assume that things will get worse, and 9 times out of 10 they do if they don't choose to take action on what they're going through and how they're feeling.

 

To conclude, I highly suggest if you are still in contact with him - to get a diagnosis, speak to a professional and spend some time apart; whether it be a couple days, to a week to even a month. You need that time apart so that in the meantime, there is no provocations and things that could initiate arguments and conflict between the two of you. Again, trust me... not something you would particularly want.

 

I hope he eventually begins to feel better and I hope that you are able to sort things out and resolve this predicament. Take care.

[Downtown]

This guy does have a history of severe mental illness and self harm. I think he said something about bipolar in his family, too.

Iivory, self harming during the early teens generally is attributable to a variety of causes. In adulthood, however, it is strongly associated with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Indeed, the APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5) lists "self-harming behavior such as cutting" for only one disorder: BPD. That is, of the 157 disorders listed in DSM-5, only BPD has "self-harming behavior" listed as a defining trait.

 

Moreover, many studies have shown that self harm (like cutting, head banging, or self punching) is strongly associated with BPD. A 2004 hospital study, for example, found thatabout half of

Self-mutilating behavior is a symptom seen in both men and women with various psychiatric disorders, but

the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder

. This complex, maladaptive behavior is used by clients as a means of self-preservation and emotion regulation, and is often associated with childhood trauma.

See

J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. 2004

.

As to the bipolar you mention, it too is strongly associated with BPD. A recent large-scale study found that 36% of males suffering bipolar-2 in the past year also have co-occurring BPD -- and 47% of males suffering bipolar-1 in the past year also have BPD. See Table 2 at 2008 Study in JCP.

 

It thus would be prudent to protect yourself by learning how to spot the warning signs for both disorders -- just in case they apply to your BF's behavior. An easy place to start reading is my post at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences, which is based on my experiences with a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son) and a BPDer (my exW). If that description of BPD traits rings many bells, I would suggest you also check out my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs.

 

Moreover, if you ever get really serious about wanting to pursue a close LTR with this young man, I would suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you likely are dealing with. Importantly, if BPD is involved, you cannot rely on your BF's therapist to be candid with you. Therapists routinely withhold the name of the disorder from BPDer clients -- and from their partners and insurance companies -- for the protection of those clients. If you're interested, I explain that in greater detail at Loath to Diagnose BPD. Take care, Iivory.

[iivory]

Anyways, just found out through a friend who uses a dating website OkCupid...

 

He's been active on his profile for a week or so now and has all updated pictures and everything. It even says he's looking for a relationship.

 

I think that tells me everything I need to know. I'm not even upset, just angry why he didn't just break it off.

[iivory]

We already ended it, unfortunately.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry to hear this, OP. What a jerk.

 

Next time you will know that you can trust your instincts when something doesn't feel right.

[elaine567]

I am glad you ended it, he obviously did not have the courage to tell you it wasn't working for him so he was lining up a new date before he either dropped the bombshell or just disappeared...

 

I know on some level it may sound good to date others who have mental health issues too as they "understand", but if you suffer from depression and anxiety yourself then stay well clear.

YOU are vulnerable and have barely the tools to sort out your own issues, without trying to solve the problems of a partner whose life may be chaotic and unstable.

Leave guys like this alone, let others deal with them.

 

Next time you hear about a history of "severe mental illness, a family history of bipolar and self harming", or any other severe mental health issues, walk away quick.

YOU are not the person to deal with that, keep away from people you need to "help", even the most stable individual would struggle to cope with all that.

Find a nice stable guy who will be a pleasure to be around, who will lift your mood, quell your anxiety and not stuff all of his "issues" down your throat.

Try to make your own life easier and stay away from "fixer uppers".

Edited February 5, 2017 by elaine567

[OnlyHonesty]

I saw nothing wrong with our relationship. He was obsessed with me, even.

 

When you are able to place your ego aside, you will realize that obsessions is not a healthy state for anyone to be in.

[coolheadal]

I've been in something like this myself. Best advice I can give you is to move on and block all communication with them. Even if he seek help by a professional all they're going to do is put him on meds for the remainder of his life. That person on those meds not going to be someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Depression is very hard to to deal with some can but if you want a better life with someone who's like yourself then there are other men out there who would appreciate you more. Never settle for less and never for someone that doesn't know your in the same room. Don't be a pleaser for anyone.

 

IDK - idk = I don't know

 

When they text they'll say

OK

idk

huh

Uhuh

long pause

Sorry I dose off..

etc..

 

You find when you text him your typing out full sentence and he typing very short words or on sided train of though process. Like something else has peaked his interest and not you.

 

Again don't settle and don't please their ego just never going to win! Bio polar syndrome is really tough to deal with there are more mental disorders out there or you can say mental unstable disorders well frankly coping with the love one in a relationship will not be so fun. Got to think about all this and weigh in all your choices.

 

Remember in the end it's your life and your well being..