Newcitygirl Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 I moved to a new city in October. I didn't immediately start dating. I focused on training for new job and meeting girlfriends. I'm still meeting new girlfriends. One of the first guys I started talking to online dating via okcupid. Took about 30 messages via OLD before we scheduled a date. I suggested coffee (I have strange time availability since I do work night shift). This happened to be a first date probably since the summer before I moved here. I have been doing the rule where you give them the amount of time it takes for them to respond to you rule so I don't seem desperate or anything. I wouldn't send more than one message and if he didn't respond I'd back off. Background: I've not dated in 4 years. So I promised I'd try to be better at dating rules and such. In my youth I'd get upset if a guy rejected me and would essentially go off. I've not done that (I'm now late 20s, so I think maturity has a lot to do with that). Wednesday of that week we made plans and secured it. With his work schedule (he works in ministry) it was always hard to get a confirmation on things. I understand being busy. I work night shift and still make time for people. I didn't hear from him at Thursday at all. I was trying to give him his space and such. I guess I should have asked if we were still on for Friday. But didn't want to bombard his messages. Friday came I was looking forward to the 2nd date. Two hours before the date I received this message from him "Hey sorry for the late notice, but I won't be able to come tonight. I had to go into work today because I took off yesterday." I'm not necessary angry at him on canceling, more that he knew on Thursday he'd be off and couldn't tell me then he wasn't interested. I've asked a good group of friends of how truthful that excuse was. Yes ministry has different hours, but I know they have their set schedule well in advance. My guy friends assume he's not that interested. I don't care, just don't waste my time (I was starting to get ready for the date when he messaged me). Some of my female friends say wait and see and that maybe it was legit. I knew better though. Just sucks when a first date goes well and so many common interests and the guy flakes! I sent a final message removing myself from the situation. I pointed out it was disrespectful for canceling on me two hours before the date and ended things with him. First time in a long time that I ever got butterflies as well. I had a back up date planned in the event he was flakey (he never knew about it). I'm glad I did because my gut feeling was right unfortunately. So at least I wasn't sitting at home after rejection. I have another date planned this week. So I'm not moping around.
Lilyana76 Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 Sadly, I've run into flakiness a lot on OLD. But mostly, I get the men that just want sex. One guy I met the first time for a happy hour drink. I walked in, we had a short awkward hug, and during the hug he whispered in my ear, "I so want to bend you over this bar right now." I said, "thanks for that first impression." turned around and walked out. Theres a lot of frogs out there in the OLD scene. Be selective! I think you are doing well in not putting up with the flakiness. First impressions are important. Don't settle! 2
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 (edited) He's probably not super interested, if he hasn't made it clear he wants to reschedule, I wouldn't bother. The person who cancels should express desire to reschedule, otherwise its BS imo. Also in regards to your "Send one text at a time, wait for response" rules -- stop! Playing games is a good way to lose. If you send a text that warrants a response, yes he should answer it. But if you send a text that DOESN'T warrant a response, it's ok for you to pick things up later and send another text. Don't overthink things. And for the love of god don't wait more than 12 hours to respond if you can help it, I hate when people play those games. I haven't had any terrible dating experiences as a guy. I did have one girl on Tinder catfish me, and I also had a POF Date way back where I wasn't attracted but went through with it, and she kept trying to pinch me. I think overall Women are a lot more "normal" on dates than some guys can be. I hear a lot of horror stories from female friends in regards to some guys. I think part of it is because there are a lot of guys who don't know how to date properly, or they may be socially misadjusted and come off as creepy/clingy. Sadly, I've run into flakiness a lot on OLD. But mostly, I get the men that just want sex. One guy I met the first time for a happy hour drink. I walked in, we had a short awkward hug, and during the hug he whispered in my ear, "I so want to bend you over this bar right now." I said, "thanks for that first impression." turned around and walked out. Theres a lot of frogs out there in the OLD scene. Be selective! I think you are doing well in not putting up with the flakiness. First impressions are important. Don't settle! At least he didn't waste your time Going out for drinks can be really hit or miss on a guy's intentions I'll admit. I don't know how they don't understand though, that even if a woman DID want to hookup, she wouldn't want to be spoken to like that upon first meeting. Gotta be classy and charming -- not creepy.... Edited January 31, 2017 by barcode88 1
Simple Logic Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 I agree the 2 hour cancellation was rude and he likely decided he was not interested, but I think I would have just gone radio silence. 1
Lilyana76 Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 I also had one guy, on the first meet ask me to be his girlfriend. Seemed a little desperate and rushed. Scared the life out of me lol I always scheduled first meets, never a big long drawn out date. That way if it wasn't going to work out it was over quick. 1
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 I also had one guy, on the first meet ask me to be his girlfriend. Seemed a little desperate and rushed. Scared the life out of me lol I always scheduled first meets, never a big long drawn out date. That way if it wasn't going to work out it was over quick. I usually always do drinks. Alcohol loosens people up a bit, but you can always leave after the first round if things aren't going well. Plus it's cheap 2
Larryville Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 He's probably not super interested, if he hasn't made it clear he wants to reschedule, I wouldn't bother. Yup pretty much because of... Took about 30 messages via OLD before we scheduled a date. I didn't hear from him at Thursday at all. Friday came I was looking forward to the 2nd date. Two hours before the date I received this message from him "Hey sorry for the late notice, but I won't be able to come tonight. To try and avoid what I have said repeatedly when it comes to asking questions, understanding and being more selective about who we allow to commit our time to, general question for everyone... Has any of you been a boss and interviewed potential employees? Or maybe you interviewed potential babysitters? Now OP I know you said you work nights and that is difficult but there was nothing in the 30 messages that made you say hmmmm? is he genuinely interested? I don’t know of course because don’t know what you talked about, the questions that were asked if anything how the two of you compare in looks. Just sucks when a first date goes well and so many common interests and the guy flakes! Did your date go as well as your think? How did the date end? Now some individuals will accept dates from those they might find marginally acceptable as “practice” and of that is the case you can chalk it up to experience. I’m just of the opinion that people should be seriously more selective about who they choose to go out on a first date with. People who are generally more “interested” in meeting would not take 30 messages to decide on a meet date. Don’t draw out the process, because you simply don’t want to waste time and mental energy.
Author Newcitygirl Posted January 31, 2017 Author Posted January 31, 2017 The second date was going to be a place like Dave and busters. Something a bit more active. He was up for it. I'm just not sure what changed his mind from Wednesday to Friday. He had not been on the OLD since that Wednesday before so I know it wasn't necessary another girl. Then after he canceled on me on Friday he hadn't been on that whole weekend. If he truly was busy with work he should have given more detail then I'm busy and can't come.
Author Newcitygirl Posted January 31, 2017 Author Posted January 31, 2017 Sadly, I've run into flakiness a lot on OLD. But mostly, I get the men that just want sex. One guy I met the first time for a happy hour drink. I walked in, we had a short awkward hug, and during the hug he whispered in my ear, "I so want to bend you over this bar right now." I said, "thanks for that first impression." turned around and walked out. Theres a lot of frogs out there in the OLD scene. Be selective! I think you are doing well in not putting up with the flakiness. First impressions are important. Don't settle! I don't think men in ministry do it for the sex. Lol.
Lilyana76 Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 I don't think men in ministry do it for the sex. Lol. Honeslty.. it wouldn't surprise me at this point. lol 2
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 I don't think men in ministry do it for the sex. Lol. You'd be surprised. Those can be the most repressed types. He could be a complete sex fiend. 2
Author Newcitygirl Posted January 31, 2017 Author Posted January 31, 2017 Yup pretty much because of... To try and avoid what I have said repeatedly when it comes to asking questions, understanding and being more selective about who we allow to commit our time to, general question for everyone... Has any of you been a boss and interviewed potential employees? Or maybe you interviewed potential babysitters? Now OP I know you said you work nights and that is difficult but there was nothing in the 30 messages that made you say hmmmm? is he genuinely interested? I don’t know of course because don’t know what you talked about, the questions that were asked if anything how the two of you compare in looks. Did your date go as well as your think? How did the date end? Now some individuals will accept dates from those they might find marginally acceptable as “practice” and of that is the case you can chalk it up to experience. I’m just of the opinion that people should be seriously more selective about who they choose to go out on a first date with. People who are generally more “interested” in meeting would not take 30 messages to decide on a meet date. Don’t draw out the process, because you simply don’t want to waste time and mental energy. First date went well. Though forgot to hug him (I got so nervous and he was good looking). Christian dating can be very weird. I was like I can't tell if he wants a hug or not... This was my first time having been involved with someone who is a Christian and more serious about it. And no not in the 30 messages. I guess I should have gotten it offline sooner.
Lilyana76 Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 I had a brief relationship with a man that was in the diocese of his church. he was a fantastic guy for the most part. however, he did enjoy his sex.. i must say lol The reason we didn't work out... well... a severe drinking issue came to light at the first sign of trouble in our short relationship.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 First date went well. Though forgot to hug him (I got so nervous and he was good looking). Christian dating can be very weird. I was like I can't tell if he wants a hug or not... This was my first time having been involved with someone who is a Christian and more serious about it. And no not in the 30 messages. I guess I should have gotten it offline sooner. As a guy, if he wanted to hug you he would have. Unless you were giving off some killer "DONT COME NEAR ME" vibes or something. I will usually go for a hug/half hug depending on the situation -- only if I think I want to see them again though. I don't like giving false hope.
Larryville Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 The second date was going to be a place like Dave and busters. Something a bit more active. He was up for it. I'm just not sure what changed his mind from Wednesday to Friday. He had not been on the OLD since that Wednesday before so I know it wasn't necessary another girl. Then after he canceled on me on Friday he hadn't been on that whole weekend. If he truly was busy with work he should have given more detail then I'm busy and can't come. NCG I don’t know about other dudes but if a man is “highly” interested, he is NOT going to flake, leave you hangin’, leave you wondering, guessing, anxious and second guessing because we want our foot in the door mentally and we want you to be focusing on “us” This is also where the “law of equal attraction” comes into play with many of these threads…. Only works if we are absolutely honest with ourselves. When we all look in the mirror, do we ask ourselves the question, “why would someone date me?” Do we compare in looks, education, background, finances, ect, even something like our take on life in general. If we are doing the OLD thing do we especially ask what am I bringing to the table relationship wise? OP I’m not even talking specifically to you but to people who continually go on what they deem are “bad dates” and/or end up in ghosting situations and flake situation. Sometimes comes to doing a self-assessment. Me I fundamentally know there are some women on any given site that I’m avoiding. Because of looks, life situation and outlook, circumstances, distance, kids, income, religion and for some people politics, social status. I’m like either meet quickly, get it over with and move on or scrutinize more selectively.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 Above poster is correct, if a guy is REALLY interested he will not flake. It depends who's reaching & settling though (hey it happens a lot in dating). It would take incredible illness or a family disaster for me to break plans with the girl that I am seeing right now. She told me she was sick last week, and she wasn't even feeling all that well on Friday but never asked to cancel our date even though I told her we could reschedule. People will make sacrifices if they are really interested in you. 5
Author Newcitygirl Posted January 31, 2017 Author Posted January 31, 2017 (edited) Christian dating is weird with hugging. I don't know how well he is in tune with values. Didn't want to step on any weird boundaries. But even asked him if he was even still interested. I was like it's okay if you aren't interested just let me know so I can move on. That was a dick move regardless(didn't say that to him though I really wanted to haha). Edited January 31, 2017 by Newcitygirl
Miss Spider Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 (edited) If a person cancels a second date short of an emergency, a detailed explanation, and a suggestion to reschedule - they are just not that interested. If they wait 2 hours before this date to cancel, they're just flat out rude. Fence sitting on his decision or forgetting to tell you shows he cares more about his options being open or whatever else than he cares about messing up your entire evening. It takes seconds to send a text. "Hey sorry for the late notice, but I won't be able to come tonight. I had to go into work today because I took off yesterday." Follows the typical "apololying" excuse format: greeting+apology+blow off+least detailed explanation possible If someone is into you, they are more disappointed they have to cancel than you are. They are concerned they might have missed their one shot. An interested guy wants you to know how sorry he is it goes more like this: Hey. I'm sorry, but I won't be able to make it tonight. I thought I still had today off even though I took off yesterday, but my manager just called me in. I wish I could have given you more of a heads up. I really wanted to see you tonight. When's the next time you'll be free? Sorry again. Even then, he's embarrassed and knows it's up to you to believe hes not a flake.This guy just doesn't care like your friends said. I'm so glad you decided not to see him again. Edited January 31, 2017 by Cookiesandough 2
Author Newcitygirl Posted January 31, 2017 Author Posted January 31, 2017 If a person cancels a second date short of an emergency, a detailed explanation, and a suggestion to reschedule - they are just not that interested. If they wait 2 hours before this date to cancel, they're just flat out rude. Fence sitting on his decision or forgetting to tell you shows he cares more about his options being open or whatever else than he cares about messing up your entire evening. It takes seconds to send a text. Follows the typical "apololying" excuse format: greeting+apology+blow off+least detailed explanation possible If someone is into you, they are more disappointed they have to cancel than you are. They are concerned they might have missed their one shot. An interested guy wants you to know how sorry he is it goes more like this: Even then, he's embarrassed and knows it's up to you to believe hes not a flake.This guy just doesn't care like your friends said. I'm so glad you decided not to see him again. Yeah. I've gotten that was so rude. I really don't care if it was another girl or he is just too busy at work. It was the principle of the whole thing. I could have gotten dinner with friends prior to my other date. I'll probably hear from him in like 3.5 weeks when he's gone through all his options lol. Thankfully I'm late 20s and know guys games by now.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 Yeah. I've gotten that was so rude. I really don't care if it was another girl or he is just too busy at work. It was the principle of the whole thing. I could have gotten dinner with friends prior to my other date. I'll probably hear from him in like 3.5 weeks when he's gone through all his options lol. Thankfully I'm late 20s and know guys games by now. Keep in mind if you're dating out of your league (which isn't a bad thing), you really need to bring your A-Game to keep guys hooked. They probably have a lot of girls to choose from, and you need to stand out. This can explain their flakiness sometimes. Not saying it's good behavior on their part, but it helps to understand why they do what they do.
Author Newcitygirl Posted January 31, 2017 Author Posted January 31, 2017 I would say I'm about a 7 on looks scale. Can be in the 8 or 9 range depending on how much effort I put in. I have just lost like 20 lbs. So I sometimes see my self is overweight. Even though I'm not considered overweight since the weight loss. I always get the you have good looks why are you single statement. It drives me nuts.
Dis Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 I always get the you have good looks why are you single statement. It drives me nuts. If only being attractive was the key to finding a relationship People that say that to me have no idea what they're talking about. It drives me nuts too. IME, guys in real life go after average looking women, rarely overly attractive women. However guys on OLD will go after just about anything If anything I think my looks have hurt me, not helped. I'm not quite sure why though??? I havent had any really horrible first dates from OLD, except for one guy that got super drunk, started slurring his words and asked me to be his gf 1
Author Newcitygirl Posted January 31, 2017 Author Posted January 31, 2017 I have been told I have Asian features (I have native American in my family) and Auburn hair so it confuses people sometimes. I think the strangest question was he asked me how baptist I was. He is Episcopalian. I'm like as long as I honor God I don't care which sector of Christianity I practice.
lionlover1973 Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 Oh probably the time where he sneaked off and kissed another girl on our date.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 I have been told I have Asian features (I have native American in my family) and Auburn hair so it confuses people sometimes. I think the strangest question was he asked me how baptist I was. He is Episcopalian. I'm like as long as I honor God I don't care which sector of Christianity I practice. Wow. Are you baptist? That tells you how he feels about the baptists.
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