Why doesn't the breakup affect the dumper until after time goes by?

[Aly101]

I've always wondered this, it happened to me, and many friends and relatives that dumped someone in a serious relationship. The BU I initiated didn't hit me until about 4 months after, and I know people who didn't feel the effects until almost a year later. It's hard to understand why it would take so long for it to hit. On my other thread, I talked about what I went through, and I'm currently in a possible reconciliation process with him right now. If anyone can give great explanation it would be awesome. Sharing stories would be great too!

[Popsicle]

Not me. It affected me about 2 days into it and still does.

[stillafool]

I've never dumped anyone and looked back in regret.

[GeorgeWP93]

Grass is greener, you enjoyed being free and single and not having anybody else affected by your actions, you enjoyed not having them relying on you, watching what you want on tv, doing what you want, then you realised they weren't that bad, your freedom turns into loneliness, you think about the cute things they done instead of the things that irritated you, you play it over and over in your head about what could have been, you regret it, you think about them being happy and now you're not.

 

You want to reach out and satisfy that craving for them but what if he's met someone else and you thought you would have to but you haven't, they probably feel nothing anymore, what about the way he used to pretend he was asleep then when I put my head on the pillow he would roll around and snuggle up to me or something cute like that, you miss the things you enjoyed having when you became single and it grows within your head.

 

That's why imo.

 

Unless they were an idiot and cheated or neglected or abused you in anyway then you'll be happier anyway... probably.

[d0nnivain]

I never had that experience either. When I had to be the dumper after a serious relationship (I'm not talking 3-4 dates) I thought long and hard about the decision before making it. In the immediate aftermath I always felt bad for the loss of something that had been good & knowing that I caused somebody else short term pain. I mourned too; maybe not as acutely as the dumpee because I had been thinking about this for a while prior to acting but it was still an immediately loss for me too.

[Aly101]

Grass is greener, you enjoyed being free and single and not having anybody else affected by your actions, you enjoyed not having them relying on you, watching what you want on tv, doing what you want, then you realised they weren't that bad, your freedom turns into loneliness, you think about the cute things they done instead of the things that irritated you, you play it over and over in your head about what could have been, you regret it, you think about them being happy and now you're not.

 

You want to reach out and satisfy that craving for them but what if he's met someone else and you thought you would have to but you haven't, they probably feel nothing anymore, what about the way he used to pretend he was asleep then when I put my head on the pillow he would roll around and snuggle up to me or something cute like that, you miss the things you enjoyed having when you became single and it grows within your head.

 

That's why imo.

 

Unless they were an idiot and cheated or neglected or abused you in anyway then you'll be happier anyway... probably.

 

One of my dumpers had GIGS. After we broke up he would be rude to me, try to make plans with my friends, and keep me around as a friend. We never talked but he would always try to find out things about me like how I was doing and what I did that day. He would say he was super happy. The one time he talked he would mention how happy he was now we were broken up. A few months later he came back, almost to the point of begging. I was over him and would never trust him again.

[SevenCity]

Grass is greener, you enjoyed being free and single and not having anybody else affected by your actions, you enjoyed not having them relying on you, watching what you want on tv, doing what you want, then you realised they weren't that bad, your freedom turns into loneliness, you think about the cute things they done instead of the things that irritated you, you play it over and over in your head about what could have been, you regret it, you think about them being happy and now you're not.

 

You want to reach out and satisfy that craving for them but what if he's met someone else and you thought you would have to but you haven't, they probably feel nothing anymore, what about the way he used to pretend he was asleep then when I put my head on the pillow he would roll around and snuggle up to me or something cute like that, you miss the things you enjoyed having when you became single and it grows within your head.

 

That's why imo.

 

Unless they were an idiot and cheated or neglected or abused you in anyway then you'll be happier anyway... probably.

 

Good synopsis. I'll take it one step further to say that the dumpee feels this in reverse.

 

At first they are lonely and sad, then eventually gain a sense of freedom by the acceptance of the breakup.

 

I'm about 5 months in to mine and I'm starting to appreciate being single more and more everyday.

[keiji]

I guess our brain blocks the negative experiences. I don't think we could live with all that weight on our shoulders and we suddenly remember only the cuddles, the laughter, the inside jokes, the sex, etc. I broke up with someone in September and I miss her sometimes. Last week we met for drinks and I quickly remembered why I had broken up. We're in NC again. I'm sure in March I'll have completely forgotten the bad things and develop a distorted image.

[fairyfloff]

as the dumpee- I don't think my ex feels is just relieved its over. I don't think he ever loved me so don't think he will feel sad.

 

As the dumper previously (twice) -

X2=I was also relieved it was over and never initiated contact ever again.

 

X3= I was hurt when he finally moved on, we were in contact the whole time (even though I have been with X2 for a year, which now I figured it was a rebound, which was why I felt nothing for him when it was over), did want X3 back for a while, but figured it was for the best that we both have moved on.

 

I stopped talking to him for almost a year, but now we still contact again, both are very well over each other which is why we can remain friends, we are both so different now and I do not find him attractive at all! He annoys the hell out of me lol, but we've known each other so friendship bond is still there. He is happily engaged and I am happy for him

[Miss Spider]

There are probably a lot of reasons, but I think the main one is the dumper doesn't believe they dumped for a good reason or with adequate deliberation. Most people make decisions based too much on immediate feelings rather than practicality/logic. In those cases, at first leaving what's causing bad feelings can feel justified and freeing. But as those feelings fade and you're no longer receiving reinforcement for decision ( that includes begging, unappealing contact from the dumpee), self-doubt kicks in. You tell yourself you had some fault, it wasn't that bad, its not something that couldn't be worked through, or the person may have changed.

Edited January 31, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Aly101]

It also seems woman are more final with their decision, while men are more likely to gain interest in reconciliation. I've seen the difference in real life too, my male friends have went back to an ex a lot more often than my female friends. (If they were cheated on they never went back.) I think if you are dumped for reasons that aren't abuse or cheating, the chances of them wanting to reconcile are a lot higher. It also depends on their personality and beliefs too, some people are open to second chances, some are always final with their decision and never go back even if they are craving them. Myself, I thought I'd move on from my ex and never give him another chance, I guess I was wrong.

[SevenCity]

It also seems woman are more final with their decision, while men are more likely to gain interest in reconciliation. I've seen the difference in real life too, my male friends have went back to an ex a lot more often than my female friends. (If they were cheated on they never went back.) I think if you are dumped for reasons that aren't abuse or cheating, the chances of them wanting to reconcile are a lot higher. It also depends on their personality and beliefs too, some people are open to second chances, some are always final with their decision and never go back even if they are craving them. Myself, I thought I'd move on from my ex and never give him another chance, I guess I was wrong.

 

I find it ironic that women perceive guys as horn dogs wanting to have sex with as many women as they can. Yet the reality is most guys want a relationship and will go through great lengths to maintain or rekindle one.

 

Guys are often first to bring up talk of exclusivity in the hopes of "locking her down" and women are the first ones to leave.

 

Yet I constantly hear complaints about womens' difficulty trying to land a man.

 

With breakups, guys think logically about the good times through the years and realize that type of connection does not come around everyday. Conversely, women allow temporary feelings to guide their actions and will leave for the possibility of something better without realizing how rare a true deep connection is.

 

Often when they realize the grass isn't greener they will come back. Guys think about this logically and realize if she did it once she'll do it again.

 

It's hard to imagine any guy on a second chance with a girl ever trusting her 100%.

 

This seems to be a polar shift from years ago like in the 50s. It was women who relentlessly pursued men and worked hard to lock them down to commitment.

 

The sexual revolution has made women ok with having sex with a guy and after several weeks deciding she didn't want anything more.

Edited January 31, 2017 by SevenCity

[Miss Spider]

I haven't noticed a correlation with men coming back. I did notice dumpee who move on with another person romantically are less likely to try to reconcile.

[Mittens]

Last time I dumped someone I never felt 'affected'...either at the time or afterwards. In fact, as the ex wouldn't leave me alone for a good 3 months and pestered me with emails and texts, I ended up not only feeling relieved that I had ended the relationship, but hatred towards him for being such a pest.

[GeorgeWP93]

I find it ironic that women perceive guys as horn dogs wanting to have sex with as many women as they can. Yet the reality is most guys want a relationship and will go through great lengths to maintain or rekindle one.

 

Guys are often first to bring up talk of exclusivity in the hopes of "locking her down" and women are the first ones to leave.

 

Yet I constantly hear complaints about womens' difficulty trying to land a man.

 

With breakups, guys think logically about the good times through the years and realize that type of connection does not come around everyday. Conversely, women allow temporary feelings to guide their actions and will leave for the possibility of something better without realizing how rare a true deep connection is.

 

Often when they realize the grass isn't greener they will come back. Guys think about this logically and realize if she did it once she'll do it again.

 

It's hard to imagine any guy on a second chance with a girl ever trusting her 100%.

 

This seems to be a polar shift from years ago like in the 50s. It was women who relentlessly pursued men and worked hard to lock them down to commitment.

 

The sexual revolution has made women ok with having sex with a guy and after several weeks deciding she didn't want anything more.

 

Can't give this post enough credit, especially the logically looking at the relationship side, whereas as a man after taking months or years of dating to find the connection he has with a woman logically thinks in the tough time of doubt that he was there for a reason, because he had built this love.

 

Women act on emotion of the moment, they've not been feeling it for a week now, this can't be right, let's build it up in my head until the point I have to end it with no remorse.

 

Even in my favourite relationship I had times where I seriously questioned whether I wanted to be with the girl, she didn't irritate me, if they were issues that needed addressing I would address them and if they weren't I would just deal with them myself, I was with her for a reason, she had met my family for a reason I would think and needless to say she dumped me when she had a moment of 'not feeling it'

[VeveCakes]

I'm about 5 months in to mine and I'm starting to appreciate being single more and more everyday.

 

same.........

[jamili]

Last time I dumped someone I never felt 'affected'...either at the time or afterwards. In fact, as the ex wouldn't leave me alone for a good 3 months and pestered me with emails and texts, I ended up not only feeling relieved that I had ended the relationship, but hatred towards him for being such a pest.

 

Failure to go hard NC, seals the deal. Remember this guys. HARD NC! Its the ONLY way you have any chance.

[HeartCease]

I've always wondered this, it happened to me, and many friends and relatives that dumped someone in a serious relationship. The BU I initiated didn't hit me until about 4 months after, and I know people who didn't feel the effects until almost a year later. It's hard to understand why it would take so long for it to hit. On my other thread, I talked about what I went through, and I'm currently in a possible reconciliation process with him right now. If anyone can give great explanation it would be awesome. Sharing stories would be great too!

 

 

 

I'd love to know why.

 

The person who seems so insistent on breaking my heart seems to be none the worse for wear. But I have listened to him lament almost obsessively over people who would not give him the time of day.

 

Perhaps it's because the one who decides all bets are off gets some kind of egotistical high from knowing their rejected would-be suitor is in pain and longing for them. Perhaps it makes them feel "powerful" or like some "hot commodity" on a subconscious level.

 

So then, when the rejected party finally comes to terms with it and moves on, that former "hot commodity" feels less valuable and suddenly *BAM* they have to suffer the loss that they inflicted on the person who once held them in such high esteem.

[marky00]

Male dumpers come back faster than female dumpers, usually out of ego. If a female dumpee goes hard NC right from the get go and a male dumper returns, 99% of the time it's that his ego got dented. A reconciliation could still work but the female dumpee would have to maintain that strong image to make it work.

 

 

Female dumpers may return but's its usually a lot later on. Harder to tell with female dumpers what their motivations for returning are. I think overall, there is less chance a female dumper returns but if she does, it's more likely to be of a more genuine nature than the scenario of a male dumper returning.

[Jj66]

I don't dump impulsively. When it's over, it's really over and for good reason. I will not ask to get back with you and I won't take you back. Never have. Never will.

 

If you love someone set them free.

If they come back then no one else liked them

Set them free again.

[Aly101]

Male dumpers come back faster than female dumpers, usually out of ego. If a female dumpee goes hard NC right from the get go and a male dumper returns, 99% of the time it's that his ego got dented. A reconciliation could still work but the female dumpee would have to maintain that strong image to make it work.

 

 

Female dumpers may return but's its usually a lot later on. Harder to tell with female dumpers what their motivations for returning are. I think overall, there is less chance a female dumper returns but if she does, it's more likely to be of a more genuine nature than the scenario of a male dumper returning.

 

Men will send breadcrumbs, then their anxiety rises and turns into a more genuine feeling. Happened with my exes but I never took them baclk, their chance was gone months before.

[SevenCity]

I'd love to know why.

 

The person who seems so insistent on breaking my heart seems to be none the worse for wear. But I have listened to him lament almost obsessively over people who would not give him the time of day.

 

Perhaps it's because the one who decides all bets are off gets some kind of egotistical high from knowing their rejected would-be suitor is in pain and longing for them. Perhaps it makes them feel "powerful" or like some "hot commodity" on a subconscious level.

 

So then, when the rejected party finally comes to terms with it and moves on, that former "hot commodity" feels less valuable and suddenly *BAM* they have to suffer the loss that they inflicted on the person who once held them in such high esteem.

 

That's basically it. People want what they can't have. When you can have something you are less likely to desire it.

 

Craig Kenneth uses an analogy of going into a store and seeing the very last of one item you want. You are very likely to purchase it because you do not know if you will have the opportunity again.

 

If that same item is over stocked and no one wants it you are likely to say "maybe next time".

 

I like this analogy because it perfectly describes the dumper / dumpee dynamic. I would venture to say 99% of dumpees did not want the breakup and the dumper knows they can reverse it.

 

After time has passed, the decision to come back is no longer the dumpers. It makes the dumpee a scarce resource. Like I said, this is usually too late.

 

As my ex of 7 years said her tearfilled goodbyes on the day she moved out I told her to reach out to me if she changed her mind. But I went on to say that this was a very special offer because I never have and never will again make it to another woman. And I meant it. It was only that I wanted to marry her that I said those words.

 

Now if a casual relationship ends I usually am happy to welcome them back in the future for sex. But once it turns serious and they leave I never have nor will I ever make that offer again. It makes it easier instead of clinging to hope for months. When they end it, it is over for good.

[Aly101]

That's basically it. People want what they can't have. When you can have something you are less likely to desire it.

 

Craig Kenneth uses an analogy of going into a store and seeing the very last of one item you want. You are very likely to purchase it because you do not know if you will have the opportunity again.

 

If that same item is over stocked and no one wants it you are likely to say "maybe next time".

 

I like this analogy because it perfectly describes the dumper / dumpee dynamic. I would venture to say 99% of dumpees did not want the breakup and the dumper knows they can reverse it.

 

After time has passed, the decision to come back is no longer the dumpers. It makes the dumpee a scarce resource. Like I said, this is usually too late.

 

As my ex of 7 years said her tearfilled goodbyes on the day she moved out I told her to reach out to me if she changed her mind. But I went on to say that this was a very special offer because I never have and never will again make it to another woman. And I meant it. It was only that I wanted to marry her that I said those words.

 

Now if a casual relationship ends I usually am happy to welcome them back in the future for sex. But once it turns serious and they leave I never have nor will I ever make that offer again. It makes it easier instead of clinging to hope for months. When they end it, it is over for good.

 

That's how I am, except even if they break up in a casual relationship I would never want them again. All of my serious exes came back but my walls were too high for them to ever be broken down once again. I always try my best in relationships and if they can't value me and they leave me for whatever reason, they're gone for good. It won't matter if they beg me or dump their feelings, I will never go back to an ex that has dumped me. I am a new me, a better me. I see them as a completely different person, a person I could never love or trust.

[Miss Peach]

For me, unless it's really early on, I tend not to break up until I am so neutral about whether to stay or go I don't care anymore. I'm just done. It still hurts and I may have a memory here and there, but I feel done and don't have the same baggage as if I had done it earlier.