She is acting irrational

[Notso]

I'm from a same sex relationship (2 females)

 

We've been together for about 2 years. Our relationship was rocky to begin with and there involved some cheating on her part (as a recovering alcoholic). On a time that we were broken up she slept with a guy...and we got back together after but later on found out she was pregnant. She was too far along to do anything about it so we decided to raise him together.

 

its been about 10 months since we've been back together (6 month old baby boy) and I was there to cut the cord, there for the birth and he even has my last name. We decided to get the adoption process rolling as it can take some time to fully be complete, but recently she has been acting quite confusing.

 

After finding out she was pregnant, and even prior there were trust issues given her past behaviour cheating in our relationship. Ever since finding out about being pregnant she has been clean and we have worked on our relationship even though it hasn't been easy and theres a lot of ups and downs but we want to make it work.

 

Recently we kind of had a fight because, we are moving to another state to be closer to her family, but the place she wants to move doesn't have the courses I want to take to further my education. She is insistent to live there (even if the place we live that provides the courses I need is only an hour away). And isn't willing to make any compromise. I gave in and decided it was fine and that I can move there after I'm done with what I need to do and I thought everything was settled. Then she brings it up again and we fight about the issue. Then today she brought up the issue that we need to put the adoption on hold for at least a year and do counselling first (which I already agreed to do anyways) and that we need to live together for longer and get married and then adopt.

 

Prior to all this, it wasn't an issue. Then she just changes her mind in a blink of an eye and it just doesn't feel right to me. I shouldn't have to wait a year to adopt "my own" son? should i? if she was a mother right from birth (speaking gay couples here) then I should be one regardless if I did the actual pushing or not. I shouldn't have to wait to adopt my son, its like telling her she has to wait to be a mother for a year and be legally recognized.

 

For me, there really isn't an issue as to why I shouldn't have the adoption? it provides a better sense of comfort that we are indeed a family, and protection incase there was ever someone trying to be involved and I would be able to still see my son and be able to develop an emotional attachment without getting hurt if it ended. Plus there is no reason i shouldn't be any less of a mother on paper as she is. AND for her to tell me if the adoption went through right now that she wouldn't sign the papers for me to adopt him is outrageous. I've done everything since day one for this boy and making me wait just because you want to doesn't feel right to me.

 

Do you think I am wrong in what I'm trying to convey to her? She's like a brick wall and won't let me through or hear me out or how it effects me. It was like a brick being pulled out of my chest to know and hear those words that she wouldn't sign the papers just because. She knows I've been a good mother to our son and claims that we can still have a relationship....but I just don't feel comfortable getting emotionally attached without some back up, especially after an event like this.

 

I even read our entire conversation to HER friend, and her friend agrees with me. I wanted a non biased opinion. But apparently her brother and grandmother think differently and have a say with whether or not I adopt him? I think this issue is between me and her, and not her family's biased opinion. They don't even really know me, they only know what my fiancé tells them.

They don't realize that this puts a set back into this relationship and it is making it worse than it actually is. She goes through with changing his last name but can't have him adopted by me?

Regardless of if we have relationship issues and are able to go to counselling to better deal with them. Do you think I'm in the wrong for feeling the way I do?

[PegNosePete]

I shouldn't have to wait to adopt my son, its like telling her she has to wait to be a mother for a year and be legally recognized.

Umm, no. The fact is he is not your son. She is the mother, you are not. Having this child was not a joint decision, it happened while you were split up and without your knowledge or consent or participation.

 

For me, there really isn't an issue as to why I shouldn't have the adoption?

Well I am hearing a lot about YOU and HER but not much about what's best for the child.

 

It is not in the child's best interests for you to adopt him and shortly afterwards split up with his bio mother.

 

The fact is your relationship with the child's mother is very short. 2 years in total, and only 10 months together since the last break. She has shown that she is a cheat and you have stated in your post that your relationship is rocky, you had break ups, cheating, and fights. That is not a stable relationship and I think it is sensible to wait to see whether your relationship will stand the test of time, before legally adopting her daughter.

[umirano]

I suspect that deep down you want to adopt the child so you will always have a way into the mother's life.

[ExpatInItaly]

Umm, no. The fact is he is not your son. She is the mother, you are not. Having this child was not a joint decision, it happened while you were split up and without your knowledge or consent or participation.

 

 

Well I am hearing a lot about YOU and HER but not much about what's best for the child.

 

It is not in the child's best interests for you to adopt him and shortly afterwards split up with his bio mother.

 

The fact is your relationship with the child's mother is very short. 2 years in total, and only 10 months together since the last break. She has shown that she is a cheat and you have stated in your post that your relationship is rocky, you had break ups, cheating, and fights. That is not a stable relationship and I think it is sensible to wait to see whether your relationship will stand the test of time, before legally adopting her daughter.

 

 

Agreed.

 

I'm sorry OP, as I know you feel very close to the baby and have helped raise him. But you are not his mother, and you waiting to adopt him is nowhere near the same as making your girlfriend wait a year to legalize their relationship. Not even close and I frankly find that comparison absurd.

 

So to answer your question - yes, I think you are wrong in this case.

 

I don't think your girlfriend is wrong is wanting to wait for you to formally adopt him. Your relationship hasn't been all that stable, and you haven't really been together very long.

 

It seems that now she is having doubts, and I understand it's upsetting to you, too. But it makes perfect sense to me to wait and make sure you two can really go the distance as a couple before formally initiating the adoption process. I sense that she is pulling back and putting this off for a reason. Trying to push her into something like this isn't wise.

[d0nnivain]

You have a right to feel anyway you want, however so does she.

 

 

You feel this relationship is stable & settled. Her behavior -- which you see as irrational -- makes me think she is less certain about your future together as a family.

 

 

She thinks time & familiarity will help her feel more stable. She wants to move home to her family of origin. She sees them, not you, as her family. When you marry, your spouse is supposed to become your primary family. Anybody who is still clinging too tightly to their parents is not ready for marriage. Hence she also wants to live together longer before getting married. She thinks time will help her know if you are The One. Finally, because adoption will tie you to the baby forever, she is unwilling to move forward with that until you are married, a step she is putting off.

 

 

While you want this relationship to move forward, She's got the door open & is considering putting one foot out of the door. You're not on the same page

 

 

Heartbreakingly, as you know, in the absence of an adoption you have no legal claim to this baby, cord cutting & last name not withstanding.

 

 

As a recovering alcoholic who just had a major life change -- the birth of her son -- she feels unbalanced. You pushing her won't help. Your willingness to compromise as you have already demonstrated by moving is good but I fear she may be pushing you too far. Any chance she'd be willing to go to couples' counseling? You have to get to the bottom of what's holding her back.

[Notso]

I appreciate all your responses. But let me clear a few things up. Before baby was born we decided we would raise him together and share that parentship. I even helped name him and he has my last name. Which she was also going to change her last name when we got married. Being co parents is sharing the responsibility and the decisions and not thinking baby is anyone’s more than the other. Being partners means 50-50 relationship and raising a child takes 50-50 relationship and having equal rights to a child that this woman says I’m a mom to is important to me.

She has never really shown such strong objection since now. Its like I don’t even know her anymore. One day she just blows up in my face.

 

Now I know I have no biological relation to this child, and that’s the problem here. I am becoming attached to a child, I am being told I am his mom, he is using my last name, it almost feels like I am a real parent and then BOOM my rights anything can go in an instant at the snap of her fingers whenever she feels. Being a parent isn’t a conditional matter, being a parent should be unconditional and it shouldn’t matter whether you are blood or not. She consistently tells me I am his parent but yet wont allow me to have rights to actually be a parent. And yet she can have rights just because she was the birth mother ?

 

She has told me that she has been jealous of the way I interact with our son because she doesn’t feel like she is a good mother and has had those feelings prior but told me she no longer has them (who knows?). I do everything for this child just as a parent should, should I have no rights to him? I don’t agree.

She constantly tells me things like, oh lets see how you can handle him for a week by yourself, and tests my ability constantly as if shes trying to prove some type of point

 

 

I’m getting emotionally attached here and clearly if something didn’t work he wouldn’t be considered mine. I think it’s a hard burden on the heart if I can’t be a true parent to our son and have it only be on her terms and conditions.

[BlueRidgeMT]

OP...it does not matter how you feel. Sorry. But in the eyes of the law you are nothing to that child. Sorry to be harsh. But you can say you did that, and you feel this, and you feel that, and it really doesn't matter. SHE..(and the boy's bio father) are the parents to that child. No matter how much you care for that child..no matter WHAT she promised you, YOU are NOT his parent. And though I can agree that paperwork or blood doesn't always make the parent, legally it does. So your girl could have promised you the world in regards to her son, but it means nothing. As you can see, she can change her mind like the wind, and there is not a thing you can do about it.

 

She is the parent. You are just her girlfriend..sorry.

 

However, I think she is 100% correct in wanting to wait before you adopt. This relationship is NOT stable. You must know that. Look at all the things you have said, and what you are feeling. You guys do NOT feel on solid ground to me. and that is NOT fair to that baby. You can still be a part of the child's life (if you and girlfriend stay together) without adopting him.

 

THEN..if things work out between you and mom, you can adopt down the line. But, I agree with your girlfriend. Why rush? It kinda feels like you wan to adopt this kid just to lock things down and make sure you DO have some legal ties to both of them for YOUR own piece of mind. Are you afraid of losing them both? That is no reason to adopt. Slow it down, and listen to your girl because she is right. However, I suspect that is not what you want to hear.

[Notso]

Well I guess most people don't see me in the right way towards this.

and FYI there is no bio dad involved. so thats not really too much of a concern for me.

 

I probably will just take a step back from this relationship entirely considering I basically mean nothing to either of them. Its good to know, thanks everyone.

[d0nnivain]

My heart breaks for you here. If I didn't make that clear, I'm sorry. However, your GF is not on the same page. I hope you can fix this for the child's sake. Consider professional counseling. I think she could stand to hear from somebody else.

[RecentChange]

I don't think you mean nothing to them....

 

But this has been a two year, very rocky, off and on relationships.

 

Adoption is permanent. Marriage is permanent (or at least should be!).

 

These are things that should be entered into with a stable foundation. With mutual understanding. With shared goals and futures, and importantly, as a result of a harmonious and dedicated relationship.

 

You mentioned that her family doesn't really know you. That she makes choices that you do not agree with and there are conflicts. These are not signs of a relationship that is going to stand the test of time.

 

I wouldn't recommend marriage or adoption after knowing someone for 2 years, let alone two years of instability.

 

Adoption is forever. Marriage is forever.

 

Why the rush?

[Notso]

Maybe I am just not seeing it from that perspective because I know that my involvement risks me getting hurt in terms of developing a relationship with the child as well. But this all does make sense and is putting something into perspective that I don't need to rush and just relax and honestly tonight I'm just going to take a step back, let things cool down and just continue on and not feel like I am being toy'd around with. Also I will lessen my involvement with the child, and not act like a mother to the same extent and spoil him entirely or do anything for him financially until there is something more there because I feel like I am being taken advantage of and it is not right.

 

I don't think you mean nothing to them....

 

But this has been a two year, very rocky, off and on relationships.

 

Adoption is permanent. Marriage is permanent (or at least should be!).

 

These are things that should be entered into with a stable foundation. With mutual understanding. With shared goals and futures, and importantly, as a result of a harmonious and dedicated relationship.

 

You mentioned that her family doesn't really know you. That she makes choices that you do not agree with and there are conflicts. These are not signs of a relationship that is going to stand the test of time.

 

I wouldn't recommend marriage or adoption after knowing someone for 2 years, let alone two years of instability.

 

Adoption is forever. Marriage is forever.

 

Why the rush?

[RecentChange]

Maybe I am just not seeing it from that perspective because I know that my involvement risks me getting hurt in terms of developing a relationship with the child as well. But this all does make sense and is putting something into perspective that I don't need to rush and just relax and honestly tonight I'm just going to take a step back, let things cool down and just continue on and not feel like I am being toy'd around with. Also I will lessen my involvement with the child, and not act like a mother to the same extent and spoil him entirely or do anything for him financially until there is something more there because I feel like I am being taken advantage of and it is not right.

 

I don't know I agree with all of this. Let me tell you a little about my family, and myself so you have a bit of perspective as to where I am coming from.

 

I have a brother and sister. Biologically they are my "half" siblings. My father met my mother when they were 3/4 years old (their dad was long gone).

 

My parents rushed into marriage - rushed into pregnancy (me!) AND my father adopted my brother and sister. He is their legal dad - and most importantly, their father in every way.

 

My parents marriage was - not good. Full of conflict and they were divorced by the time I was 6....

 

But my dad is still OUR dad in every way. We are all adults now, and my dad is also now a grandfather! I choose to never have kids, but my brother and sister, his son and daughter did. While they (grand kids / my bro - sis) may not be related by blood, we are family, and have been since the day my dad adopted my bro and sis.

 

If you want to be this boys mother - in my opinion its an all in or out thing. Yes, adoption will make it legal - but it won't make the relationship. Just like a marriage certificate does not make a marriage - its the relationship that counts.

 

And me? I got married last year - after fourteen years together!! The paper wasn't ever terribly important to us, its the relationship that counts.

 

Focus on our relationships. On being a mother, being a wife, creating a stable and healthy home for your child. THIS is what is important. The paper work is the icing on the cake.

 

If you do not feel secure in your relationships. If you think you are worried about being hurt - the paper is meaningless.

 

Marriage involves letting yourself be vulnerable. So does being a parent. You gotta be willing to love even though you may get hurt.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, in the end, it doesn't really matter how we feel.

 

The only one whose opinion will actually make a difference is your girlfriend. She is the sole legal and biological mother, and she evidently does not feel the way you do. Even though you are helping raise him, in the eyes of the law, you do not have a legal claim on the baby. That's also a risk you took assuming this role with no formal ties to the child's mother, particularly considering how unstable the relationship has been.

 

So, you and your girlfriend have a big decision to make. You don't have to agree to her terms. And she in turn is not obligated to agree to yours. Fair or not, the law is in her favour.

Edited February 1, 2017 by ExpatInItaly

[Mrin]

Well I guess most people don't see me in the right way towards this.

and FYI there is no bio dad involved. so thats not really too much of a concern for me.

 

I probably will just take a step back from this relationship entirely considering I basically mean nothing to either of them. Its good to know, thanks everyone.

 

You sure you're not a dude? ;-) Seriously, that's a dude's take on this. I'm a dude. I know dude think. Lol.

 

Okay, but I am an enlightened dude. Here's what I think the problem is: she doesn't know right now if she wants to spend the rest of her life with or tied to you. Whether it is the rocky aspect of your relationship or something else. The reason she is slowing your roll is that if she doesn't then she's tied to you for the rest of her life.

 

So that being said, you pulling back will only make things worse. It will only reinforce the story she's working on that she doesn't want to be tied to you. If you want this to work you need to lean in and become Steady Edith (loving this same sex stuff). Be her rock. Her foundation. Believe me, I know it is hard especially when you see yourself already as the child's mom. But you need to make a safe space for her. Where she wants to embrace your partnership.

 

As long as I am a guy talking about the female psyche I would remiss if I didn't mention postpardem depression. It isn't always depression. Her hormones could be seriously jacked. It happens. A lot. And you saying she is acting irrationally could be an indication of that. Postpardem is real and it is physical and it is serious. Has she been checked?

[lolablue17]

Well I guess most people don't see me in the right way towards this.

 

Maybe you don't see the situation the right way.

 

You're been told by your fiance that you are not wanted as a father to her son. At least not 100% wanted. That means she spits on all the efforts you made until now, she spits on her own words and commitments, and generally shows that she doesn't care about you as a man, as a person, and as a partner in her life.

 

What else do you need to understand that you should admit you made a mistake and lost, cut your loss, and walk out of this pervert relationship in which you have to beg for everything.

[Notso]

Lol

That is true , I think her feelings change on circumstance. If things go really well in our relationship and we don't fight then she is more into the idea of something more, but she does have depression/and is a recovering alcoholic . I wouldn't be surprised if she has postpartum. It sure seemed that way especially after she gave birth and it could still be there as well in a form thats not recognized.

 

Me and her talked last night and she said that she wants me to adopt, just not right now, but within the next year. She wrote me this long note basically saying she still does love me and wants a future with me and wants this life with me. But she wants us to go to counselling to deal with the rocky aspects of our relationship. I can do that and we will hopefully be going sometime this month. I do think that she acts a lot on her feelings at the time, so if she doesn't feel so close to me on certain days (for whatever reason) she's more likely to pick a fight or change her mind and overthink things.

 

The talk with her, and this forum, have kinda made me change perspective in some respects, like that I don't feel like I want to rush, because there are some very valid points and I just am taking time for myself, but also not distancing myself from her either.

 

I appreciate your response I think I'm going to revert back to a simple relationship and just be playful and fun, and not so focused on adoption or anything more serious. Maybe it will help us find what we need to get back on a better note and rekindle that enjoying aspect of a relationship.

 

You sure you're not a dude? ;-) Seriously, that's a dude's take on this. I'm a dude. I know dude think. Lol.

 

Okay, but I am an enlightened dude. Here's what I think the problem is: she doesn't know right now if she wants to spend the rest of her life with or tied to you. Whether it is the rocky aspect of your relationship or something else. The reason she is slowing your roll is that if she doesn't then she's tied to you for the rest of her life.

 

So that being said, you pulling back will only make things worse. It will only reinforce the story she's working on that she doesn't want to be tied to you. If you want this to work you need to lean in and become Steady Edith (loving this same sex stuff). Be her rock. Her foundation. Believe me, I know it is hard especially when you see yourself already as the child's mom. But you need to make a safe space for her. Where she wants to embrace your partnership.

 

As long as I am a guy talking about the female psyche I would remiss if I didn't mention postpardem depression. It isn't always depression. Her hormones could be seriously jacked. It happens. A lot. And you saying she is acting irrationally could be an indication of that. Postpardem is real and it is physical and it is serious. Has she been checked?

[GemmaUK]

Sounds to me like she is being very rational, not irrational at all.

 

You'd want to try and work out the problems you have to see if you have a relationship worth committing to before putting any commitments on paper making them legal obligations which need to be sorted out in law should you brake up.

Sounds more than sensible to me.