The Same Type Of Guy

[Dis]

I used to have some friends who were in Alcoholics Anonymous

 

My first two relationships were with men who were 'recovering alcoholics'

 

They were the kind of men who had too many inner demons to count, lived with their parents in their 30's and had shaky work histories and no solid future plans

 

I broke up with the last one of those guys in August of 2016 and vowed to never date one again...I never did. I dont know what it was about them but they were broken. Almost like grown up boys. Building a life with them would be impossible

 

Now if I were in the same place in life I would be fine with it but I'm not. I have my own place, car and I'll be graduating nursing school in 1 year

 

I keep getting fb messages from the same type of guy. The 'recovering alcoholic' who's 33 and still lives with his parents, doesnt have a stable job etc etc. I'm chatting with one on fb right now and because dating seems so bleak and I've given up on OLD....I'm honestly considering on going out with him. He just asked me if I'd like to get coffee

 

I'm just so frustrated that this is the only type of guy that reaches out to me...am I being too judgmental (even based on my experiences with these types in the past)? or should I run???

Edited January 30, 2017 by Disillusionment373

[RecentChange]

To me, one of the most attractive qualities a man can have is to be DRIVEN.

 

That means a work ethic

 

That means going after what he wants, and putting in the effort to get it.

 

Living at home? No career? No obtained goals?

 

No way I would give a guy like that a chance. I am a driven and motivated person. I would run circles around them.

[Sweetfish]

I used to have some friends who were in Alcoholics Anonymous

 

My first two relationships were with men who were 'recovering alcoholics'

 

They were the kind of men who had too many inner demons to count, lived with their parents in their 30's and had shaky work histories and no solid future plans

 

I broke up with the last one of those guys in August of 2016 and vowed to never date one again...I never did. I dont know what it was about them but they were broken. Almost like grown up boys. Building a life with them would be impossible

 

Now if I were in the same place in life I would be fine with it but I'm not. I have my own place, car and I'll be graduating nursing school in 1 year

 

I keep getting fb messages from the same type of guy. The 'recovering alcoholic' who's 33 and still lives with his parents, doesnt have a stable job etc etc. I'm chatting with one on fb right now and because dating seems so bleak and I've given up on OLD....I'm honestly considering on going out with him. He just asked me if I'd like to get coffee

 

I'm just so frustrated that this is the only type of guy that reaches out to me...am I being too judgmental (even based on my experiences with these types in the past)? or should I run???

 

Sorry to hear this... but it never fails.. once you start looking for men in the 30's and 40's bracket its a downhill battle.

 

Whats worse is a career driven women who focus on their career she misses on a lot of prime guys that get scooped up as she progress in her age guys start dating down and women tend to date up.

 

My not tooo familiar with with dating in england. Is it common for men to chase women? Are the men passive? Or do you believe your not approachable.

 

I have had women on OLD msg me from England and im in the states.

[Dis]

To me, one of the most attractive qualities a man can have is to be DRIVEN.

 

That means a work ethic

 

That means going after what he wants, and putting in the effort to get it.

 

Living at home? No career? No obtained goals?

 

No way I would give a guy like that a chance. I am a driven and motivated person. I would run circles around them.

 

Thanks so much for the reply RC!

 

I cannot stand guys that are stagnant in life...I want a guy who can grow with me and build a life together

 

This guy has a good degree but his job requires manual labor and hes injured. Hes having his second surgery soon. He paid for his surgeries out of pocket which is why he says he lives at his parents. Hes working, he just cant work in his chosen field because of his injuries

 

A part of me wants to give him a chance. He's always been the guy in the background kind of waiting for me to give him a chance

 

After a lot of experience with dating, and just socializing in general...I can read people pretty well. Hes very sweet, shy, funny, seems like he has a good heart. All those qualities are well and good but they dont pay the bills

[CaliforniaGirl]

Wow...I just don't know...I can't even imagine...do you mean these guys are literally just finding you on Facebook...as in, you have no association whatsoever? Or do you know the same people?

[Dis]

Sorry to hear this... but it never fails.. once you start looking for men in the 30's and 40's bracket its a downhill battle.

 

Whats worse is a career driven women who focus on their career she misses on a lot of prime guys that get scooped up as she progress in her age guys start dating down and women tend to date up.

 

My not tooo familiar with with dating in england. Is it common for men to chase women? Are the men passive? Or do you believe your not approachable.

 

I have had women on OLD msg me from England and im in the states.

 

Hi sweetfish! Thanks for the reply

 

I think you might be mixing me up or have the wrong impression of me...

 

I'm actually in the States too. CT. I'm 30. I'm not the kind of women who put her career first. I just started pursing my career a few years ago. I've always been a relationship oriented person. I've had two long term relationships and a few short term relationships....nothing has stuck yet

[Sweetfish]

Hi sweetfish! Thanks for the reply

 

I think you might be mixing me up or have the wrong impression of me...

 

I'm actually in the States too. CT. I'm 30. I'm not the kind of women who put her career first. I just started pursing my career a few years ago. I've always been a relationship oriented person. I've had two long term relationships and a few short term relationships....nothing has stuck yet

 

 

Lmao.. your right for some reason i thought u were over seas. Anyway... isn't C.T. a blue collar state? Whats the employment rate?

 

Its just seems like your area is more your issue than you.

[Dis]

Wow...I just don't know...I can't even imagine...do you mean these guys are literally just finding you on Facebook...as in, you have no association whatsoever? Or do you know the same people?

 

Lol I know right?! I know some of these poeple, I've hung out with them years and years ago so we keep in touch on fb. Once one of them friend requests me...they all follow suit

 

I cant get away from them for the life of me

 

I just dont know if I'm judging this guy too quickly. See my response to RecentChange

[Dis]

Lmao.. your right for some reason i thought u were over seas. Anyway... isn't C.T. a blue collar state? Whats the employment rate?

 

Its just seems like your area is more your issue than you.

 

Great point. CT is has an awful employment rate

 

Its a mix of blue collar and white collar

 

Some rich, some poor

 

When I used OLD I went on lots of dates with guy who had great careers...but on fb...this is what happens

[joseb]

So has this guy told you he is a recovering alcoholic?

[Dis]

So has this guy told you he is a recovering alcoholic?

 

I met him before at a friends birthday party and some of the people there were in AA. He didnt have a drink in his hand so when I talked to him I asked him if he drank he said no and went on to tell me he had a few years sober

 

My reaction....

[Dis]

I still havent responded to him since he asked if I wanted to get coffee...

 

I dont know what to say...

[RecentChange]

Okay I am going to be a judgey pants and pick this story apart a little:

 

Recovering alcoholic - since when? Why did he allow an addiction get out of control? What serious therapy etc did he undergo so he does not fall in the same trap again? What was his rock bottom? What has changed?

 

Well educated - but career requires manual labor. I'll take your word on that one, but will say it's kinda unusual.

 

Why did he have to pay for surgeries out of pocket?! Was he not employed when he became injured? Most Americans should have health insurance unless they choose to forego it.

 

He has more surgeries to come - how is he doing with pain management being as he has an addiction history? Needed prescriptions are often the catalyst that throws addicts back into substance use.

 

He's working, but not in his field. Can he get back into that field? Is there room for advancement at what he is doing?

 

I hate to make this sound all about money, but it's about having your $hit together and showing a pattern of making sound choices.

 

As for the local job market- I don't know about his industry, but CT currently has an unemployment rate of 4.4%. That is pretty dang low. About as low as a healthy economy can get (anything lower becomes detrimental as emplyors can't find qualified employees). If someone can't find opportunities at 4.4%.... Well then they have a problem.

[Jj66]

I know that you are always "recovering" but I'd want to see some evidence that the recovery was well underway: stable job, place of his own, etc. before I ever got involved with anyone.

 

Hell, I'm probably an alcoholic. My ex fiancee complained because I drank too often. I didn't drink to excess. Never got drunk around her or mistreated her. I am.apparently very high functioning. Ivy league degree with honors. Very nice six figure income, great reviews and a stellar reputation at work, no arrests for DUI, missing work because of drinking or anything similar. I still decided to break up with her to protect her from the evils of the bottle.

[Imajerk17]

OK, I am going to play Devil's Advocate here…

 

What do you mean, you have no prospects?

 

1. You went out w a really nice guy last July...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/587750-vertically-challenged-magic

 

…is he still around

 

 

2. There were NO decent guys messaging you on OLD? Not a single one??

 

 

At any rate, I do NOT think investing energy into someone whom you already know will pull you backwards, is a good idea. The problems actually will start if you do give him a chance and you DO hit it off, because then you are emotionally invested in someone who cannot give you what you need long term.

[Dis]

Okay I am going to be a judgey pants and pick this story apart a little:

 

Recovering alcoholic - since when? Why did he allow an addiction get out of control? What serious therapy etc did he undergo so he does not fall in the same trap again? What was his rock bottom? What has changed?

 

Well educated - but career requires manual labor. I'll take your word on that one, but will say it's kinda unusual.

 

Why did he have to pay for surgeries out of pocket?! Was he not employed when he became injured? Most Americans should have health insurance unless they choose to forego it.

 

He has more surgeries to come - how is he doing with pain management being as he has an addiction history? Needed prescriptions are often the catalyst that throws addicts back into substance use.

 

He's working, but not in his field. Can he get back into that field? Is there room for advancement at what he is doing?

 

I hate to make this sound all about money, but it's about having your $hit together and showing a pattern of making sound choices.

 

As for the local job market- I don't know about his industry, but CT currently has an unemployment rate of 4.4%. That is pretty dang low. About as low as a healthy economy can get (anything lower becomes detrimental as emplyors can't find qualified employees). If someone can't find opportunities at 4.4%.... Well then they have a problem.

 

Love this!

 

I dont know much about his history as an alcholic so I dont have the answers to the first paragraph

 

Yes, that confused me too. Having a BA but his job requires manual labor???? That didnt add up to me either.... He said he's had jobs in managerial postions and last time I checked those dont require heavy lifting. Maybe I should ask him about this

 

When he first got injured he couldnt work for 3 months, the got fired which is why he had to pay out of pocket for the surgery

 

I dont know what pain meds he's on but I would imagine that could pose a problem

 

About his field of work...I'm confused about all that. Like I said, someone with a BA doing manual labor??? Fishy....Ugh...I'm getting fed up with this as I type

 

And I totally get it...I'm not trying to make it all about money either but I do need a guy that I can build a life with and I will not waste one more date on a guy who cant pull his weight...hence why I'm doing all this debating now

 

Tons of businesses are leaving CT because of how high taxes are...last I heard jobs werent easy to come by unless you have an in demand degree or want to work at McDonalds

[Dis]

OK, I am going to play Devil's Advocate here…

 

What do you mean, you have no prospects?

 

1. You went out w a really nice guy last July...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/587750-vertically-challenged-magic

 

…is he still around

 

 

2. There were NO decent guys messaging you on OLD? Not a single one??

 

 

At any rate, I do NOT think investing energy into someone whom you already know will pull you backwards, is a good idea. The problems actually will start if you do give him a chance and you DO hit it off, because then you are emotionally invested in someone who cannot give you what you need long term.

 

Ya, you're right. I've learned my lesson with types...I dont need a repeat performance...done and done!

 

The guy I met in July was great but during that time my head was in a tail spin. I wasnt over what had happened with previous bfs so I wasnt in the right place to invest in that guy

 

I still think of him sometimes. Had I been in a good head space I really think that couldve worked

 

Is he still around??? He was pretty pissed when I told him things werent going to work out....I dont think it would be fair to him to make contact

[Imajerk17]

Ya, you're right. I've learned my lesson with types...I dont need a repeat performance...done and done!

 

The guy I met in July was great but during that time my head was in a tail spin. I wasnt over what had happened with previous bfs so I wasnt in the right place to invest in that guy

 

I still think of him sometimes. Had I been in a good head space I really think that couldve worked

 

Is he still around??? He was pretty pissed when I told him things werent going to work out....I dont think it would be fair to him to make contact

 

Maybe you could text him and tell him you are sorry for how things had turned out but you are now in a different place and you were wondering how he has been.

 

You never know, and what is the worst that can happen….

[Dis]

OK, I am going to play Devil's Advocate here…

 

What do you mean, you have no prospects?

 

1. You went out w a really nice guy last July...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/587750-vertically-challenged-magic

 

…is he still around

 

2. There were NO decent guys messaging you on OLD? Not a single one??

 

 

At any rate, I do NOT think investing energy into someone whom you already know will pull you backwards, is a good idea. The problems actually will start if you do give him a chance and you DO hit it off, because then you are emotionally invested in someone who cannot give you what you need long term.

 

As for the bold print. I hate to say it but I ran out of steam with OLD....I had to stop. My mindset was far too negative to be successful. Too many breakups and wounds to keep going I guess

[Dis]

Maybe you could text him and tell him you are sorry for how things had turned out but you are now in a different place and you were wondering how he has been.

 

You never know, and what is the worst that can happen….

 

Hmmmm....I'm going to think about this

[winny]

You dont have to settle just because you are feeling vulnerable.

Take this as a test. Universe is testing you whether you will again go back to your old ways or you now have enough courage to fight for what you deserve.

You know whats the right thing to do, so just do it. Don't overthink this and dont entertain such guys in future.

[Dis]

You dont have to settle just because you are feeling vulnerable.

Take this as a test. Universe is testing you whether you will again go back to your old ways or you now have enough courage to fight for what you deserve.

You know whats the right thing to do, so just do it. Don't overthink this and dont entertain such guys in future.

 

I was thinking the same exact thing girl....took the words right out of my mouth

 

Last night I told him I'd have to pass on the coffee date and wished him the best with his surgeries

 

I think I've come a long way with dating and my expectations of a potential partner. When I started this thread I knew it wasnt a good idea, I just needed to hear it from someone else

 

When we were messaging I kept asking myself why I was talking to him...I knew I didnt want to go out with him. I guess I got lonely in the moment and that frustration of not finding someone started to get to me. It always happens at night

 

I'm such a relationship oriented person. I love sharing my life with someone, supporting each other, loving each other, having that person to lean on and vice versa. I've gotten to the point in life where I'm so ready to settle down and start a new chapter. The page I'm on now is tired and old. I feel stagnant, not with other areas of my life but in regards to love. But what I'm happy about is that just because I love relationships doesnt mean I'll jump into one with just any guy, I've learned too much to do that again

 

As much as I hate that saying, 'It'll happen when its meant to happen' but its true...I just need to be patient and keep my standards high

[Dis]

I used to have some friends who were in Alcoholics Anonymous

 

My first two relationships were with men who were 'recovering alcoholics'

 

They were the kind of men who had too many inner demons to count, lived with their parents in their 30's and had shaky work histories and no solid future plans

 

I broke up with the last one of those guys in August of 2016 and vowed to never date one again...I never did. I dont know what it was about them but they were broken. Almost like grown up boys. Building a life with them would be impossible

 

Now if I were in the same place in life I would be fine with it but I'm not. I have my own place, car and I'll be graduating nursing school in 1 year

 

I keep getting fb messages from the same type of guy. The 'recovering alcoholic' who's 33 and still lives with his parents, doesnt have a stable job etc etc. I'm chatting with one on fb right now and because dating seems so bleak and I've given up on OLD....I'm honestly considering on going out with him. He just asked me if I'd like to get coffee

 

I'm just so frustrated that this is the only type of guy that reaches out to me...am I being too judgmental (even based on my experiences with these types in the past)? or should I run???

 

I meant August 2015

 

Thank god I kept my promise to myself

 

I've learned so much since then

[introverted1]

Love this!

 

I dont know much about his history as an alcholic so I dont have the answers to the first paragraph

 

Yes, that confused me too. Having a BA but his job requires manual labor???? That didnt add up to me either.... He said he's had jobs in managerial postions and last time I checked those dont require heavy lifting. Maybe I should ask him about this

 

When he first got injured he couldnt work for 3 months, the got fired which is why he had to pay out of pocket for the surgery

 

I dont know what pain meds he's on but I would imagine that could pose a problem

 

About his field of work...I'm confused about all that. Like I said, someone with a BA doing manual labor??? Fishy....Ugh...I'm getting fed up with this as I type

 

And I totally get it...I'm not trying to make it all about money either but I do need a guy that I can build a life with and I will not waste one more date on a guy who cant pull his weight...hence why I'm doing all this debating now

 

Tons of businesses are leaving CT because of how high taxes are...last I heard jobs werent easy to come by unless you have an in demand degree or want to work at McDonalds

 

Dis, I saw you passed on coffee with this guy and I think that was a smart move. I agree completely with RC that this guy's story doesn't pass the smell test. He was fired? FIRED? Fired= being let go for cause (as opposed to being "let go" because the job is not needed). Plus, if he has a BA it's not clear why he'd be doing manual work in the first place nor why he hasn't found some other work since getting hurt.

 

Anyway, I don't think it means it's "all about money" if you want to find someone who can be your partner in forming a life together. Yes,things could happen down the road that will render one of you less capable of contributing to the partnership, but there's nothing wrong with wanting to start out on a more-or-less even footing. And by that I don't mean that each person makes exactly the same amount or that chores are split exactly 50/50, but that each person has an oar in the water and is rowing toward the same end point.

 

Hang in there. Maybe you can move once you finish your degree?

[selinaluv]

I think something to remember is that if you (or we) are taking time to write on a message board questioning if you should go on a date with a specific guy, that is your gut telling you that you probably shouldn't. The answer is there before you even type it out. You did the right thing here. Even if all was good, you had doubts and they would linger.