Author Eternal30 Posted February 18, 2017 Author Share Posted February 18, 2017 Eternal30, The single man that you were involved with sounds like he only broke things off to get you to make a decision. From the words that you quoted, " I don't want to disrespect you"., etc. The man I was involved with, would have been content to continue using me for sex. I broke off the A, in order to move on and eventually, a year later, I moved on to a relationship with a single man. It doesn't sound like your AP dumped you, he sounds like he wants to be in a legitimate, respectful relationship, and wants you to call him when you're ready. Skywriter, yes you can say that. And he deserves a healthy relationship. He wants me to be his friend, and I know it's not friends with benefit. I just don't know how to be friends with him. Shall I call him ? You think ? Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 Noooooo. Don't call him. If you care about him, just let him go. You can't give him what he needs so don't torture the poor guy. Let him move on and find a single person. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 Don't call him. Start looking for a job that way you can divorce your husband. I'm guessing you don't love him and want out which could be why you let yourself fall in love with another man? You said your marriage is 'shady'. What does that mean? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 DO NOT CALL HIM! Is your marriage REALLY that bad? Sometimes, when you become interested in another man your brain starts to rewrite the history of your marriage. Little 'normal' problems are blown out of all proportion. Could you work on your marriage & make it better? How old are you? How long have you been married? I've got 2 beautiful young children. One boy & one girl. Tell us about your child & the kind of family you want. Why did you think you could take all custody away from your husband? Is he that bad? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 Did you really want to go to the bar & drink alcohol or did he talk you into it? I see many 'red flags' (warning signs that this guy isn't as good as you think). Would you have had sex with him sober? Did you use contraception? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 What gave me perspective finally was learning that there are features and patterns to affairs and how the affair partners think, act and talk to each other during the affair. Every time I read about a new one - such as reading about yours just now - I see many of the patterns and features repeating: - the rosy, dream-like way of referring to the relationship; - idealizing and romanticizing the AP; - sparks, chemistry, natural attraction, compatibility (none of which are connected to real life); - flirting, building excitement and sexual tension, teasing, provoking, sharing innuendos, being suggestive, sharing lots of small talk; - using each other to prop up bruised, bored, tired libidos and egos; - thinking what you share is special because it is so unique. There are more but these were just what rang a bell. I don't think the fact that I was the betrayed spouse matters at this point when recognizing these repeated phenomena. The point is that all the characters involved in the drama think they're in a new, one-of-a-kind situation unique to their destinies and circumstances and that, once they realize they've reacted to these circumstances predictably and lost all perspective, they can begin to be more objective about what's happened, less vulnerable and more in control of their own lives again. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 "We stopped before it's too late" No.....no you didn't. This guy, your most special man, got what he wanted and then he dumped you. And you? You betrayed your family, betrayed your vows. And now that the realization has sunk in that you were used, you no longer know if divorce is the answer? I feel sorry for your husband.....your husband who you have yet to even mention. It's tragic... 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 Did you really want to go to the bar & drink alcohol or did he talk you into it? I see many 'red flags' (warning signs that this guy isn't as good as you think). Would you have had sex with him sober? Did you use contraception? SL, I hope you're not proffering that the OP was somehow taken advantage of? She was certainly a willing participant and, even now, her regret is only over the outcome... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 SL, I hope you're not proffering that the OP was somehow taken advantage of? She was certainly a willing participant and, even now, her regret is only over the outcome... Mr. Lucky No, not at all. You know we're nearly always on the same page here. There's something VERY 'off' about this guy. She's romanticizing him out the wazzoo. Of the little she's said & the naive way she writes my 'spidy-senses' are tingling like crazy....he sounds like a nut!!! I'm trying to figure out if he's a dangerous nut or a harmless one. He seems to know which buttons to press but only got her into bed when she was so drunk she doesn't even know if they connected!! Come on, he's weird!! (Or brilliantly manipulative) The fact he seems to of dumped her after getting sex is good but she needs a HUGE wake-up call. I'd really like to know what's going on in her marriage. Is her husband really "shady" (not sure what that means) or is she so enamoured that she's convinced herself (willingly with a little help from her 'friend') that he's the bad guy? Until she returns & answers questions we won't know. It's beyond me how anyone thinks this OM is so different & so great that she should chase him! Just because his line is "I want to fill you with little babies" doesn't mean he's somehow genuine. REALLY? Ugh!!! The fog is so heavy that it's become the most twisted fairy tale I've ever heard...or is it a cultural thing? I was wondering that.... I hope she does come back & give some answers. This is more worrying than most. There's a very 'innocent', fairy tale, young lady on another forum who started an affair like this & ended-up abused & nearly abducted by the weirdo. I think reading that has influenced my views. This OP kind of reminds me of (Ella) her.... Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 I just need support during this NC period. I have read a lot of posts here and other sites about NC rules and purpose. I know I need to stick with it and I know I need to focus on improving myself instead of counting down the date? And I cannot be stupid enough to let him hurt me one more time. I had never had any men dumped me in my life. That just hurts so much ! (This is pride talking!! Competition, the chase, makes things even more intense. We don't talk about this in affairs as much as we should) - I KNOW NONE OF THESE WERE REAL. It's been 17 days since he made the decision of staying in friends. Which I never reach out since that day. He had contacted me in one week. But I cut him off completely. We don't have mutual or work together. Please everyone, give me some strength. Trust me, I have been trying everything I have to get over this. I was okay until Valentine's day, I just felt so strong that day and almost reached out. Last night was the worst! When you feel the urge to contact him write here instead or phone/write a trusted friend. This 'romance' has occupied your time & mind. Find some other interests. Do you have any female friends you could go out with? Join some activity clubs? Spend more time with your child. Do you like Crafts? Maybe start working on 'Mummy & Me' projects. Make a scrapbook of your child/family. Organize your photographs. This will refocus you on what should be your priority. You say that money is a major concern for you. Why not take some classes, retrain for a better career? Your time is valuable both as a mother & a person. There are far more productive ways to use it. If your marriage is that bad STOP looking for a knight in oh so shiny armor to save you & start making real plans to improve yourself for you & your child's future. Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 Excerpt from "American Beauty": Carolyn Burnham: "Don't you mess with me, mister, or I'll divorce you so fast it'll make your head spin! Lester Burnham: On what grounds? I'm not a drunk, I don't ____ other women, I've never hit you, I don't mistreat you... Stop contacting the guy and start living in reality. If you're that miserable, then get a divorce. But don't screw around on your partner, romanticize it and make excuses. You said earlier that you want a divorce but you don't have the financial means. I would suggest you get your head on straight in a hurry because your husband might not give you the option if he finds out you've been screwing around. Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 Did you get tested for stds? Did you use protection? 'Are you pregnant with his baby? It only takes once. Be kind to your H. Give him a good D. You do not love him. You do not think about him at all. Hope you think about your child. So you can be free. Tell your H. you should have filed for D before you did this. You are not good marriage material. How would you feel if your H had an A? You are having one big time. Go ahead and tell your H that he needs to get checked for stds because you do not love him and had sex with a player. Your OM is not the fantastic person that you think he is. You are in fantasy land. He does not take care of your child while you go and have an affair. Your H is a better person than your OM. Hope you wake up to reality soon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 Eternal30, I am going to give you credit for stopping before it got physical. This was a good decision, and you should take comfort in it. It does show, that you do still have some amount of good sense, and kept to your marriage vows. Again, I think we do not give credit, when in a messy, emotional situation someone does do the right thing and breaks it off. So good for you. I am not going to tell you that warm feeling for your AP are bad, he also did the right thing by you, and myself would be grateful, in your place. Now the other issue is the emotional affair. This does need to be addressed, and I urge you to come clean with your husband and both of you talk this trough. I think in the end this would be best for you, and you may find the "spark" for him that you are missing now. If you feel you can not do this, I suggest you work on finding out, for yourself why this happened, and what is mean for your marriage. If you have a bad marriage, and your husband is not the life long partner you wish him to be, then move to divorce. Life is really too short, and you are running out of time. If your marriage is good, and your husband loves you work on making what you have better, and re finding just why you married in the first place. Do not let any feeling for your AP interfere with this process, and that is why I suggest you open up to your husband if you can. You have much hard work ahead, do not fear it, just know you must do it. I wish you luck...... Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 You ever stop to think that this guy was feeding you a line of bull$h!T and you fell for it? Look he saw someone that was unhappy, so he made you happy, smile, laugh because he knew what buttons to push and you believed him. Then after the romp in bed you get dumped. You got dumped. YOU GOT DUMPED. Why? because he got what he wanted by playing on your vulnerabilities and took what you were willing to give. Think you had trouble before? Now you have marriage problems and compounded it by an affair and doing whatever you can to cover it up. If you aren't happy then you move on. You not only cheated on your husband..............and your child, but your only in the marriage to keep afloat. I just hope that your husband doesn't find out about it because affair secrets seem to find their way out of the locked box it's hidden in and then that's when you just might not have a choice in the matter and either sink or swim on your own. Sorry if this is harsh but it's the truth and I wish you luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 Eternal30, I am going to give you credit for stopping before it got physical. This was a good decision, and you should take comfort in it. It does show, that you do still have some amount of good sense, and kept to your marriage vows. It's confusing because this reads like a mash-up of separate threads but the OP posted this on Page 1: We had sex one time, it was one night when my husband and child were out of town, I had never drunk a beer or went to a bar before, he loves beer. He took me to a bar restaurant, I got drunk after 2 beers. I knew and I wanted to have sex with him that night. Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 It's confusing because this reads like a mash-up of separate threads but the OP posted this on Page 1: Mr. Lucky I stand corrected. Telling her husband and communicating is her only path forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Life lessons Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 It sucks when two person fall in love while one is already married. I'm the married woman, he is single. If you would call it emotional affair, then we were in one, but I feel it didn't really happen before we stopped it. Because we realized we respect each other enough to not to make mistakes. I fell in love with him, but I started holding back because I knew I couldn't give him anything right now, I'd only waste his time. It was him to make the decision, and I'm very glad he did, and I feel respect from him. Also make me respect him more. I'm proud of him. I'll have the most soft part of my heart for him. I can relate. Hoe long did the EA last? Did it never get physical? If not, is this why he probably ended the relationship/A...because he just wanted sex?? Link to post Share on other sites
Life lessons Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 Did you get tested for stds? Did you use protection? 'Are you pregnant with his baby? It only takes once. Be kind to your H. Give him a good D. You do not love him. You do not think about him at all. Hope you think about your child. So you can be free. Tell your H. you should have filed for D before you did this. You are not good marriage material. How would you feel if your H had an A? You are having one big time. Go ahead and tell your H that he needs to get checked for stds because you do not love him and had sex with a player. Your OM is not the fantastic person that you think he is. You are in fantasy land. He does not take care of your child while you go and have an affair. Your H is a better person than your OM. Hope you wake up to reality soon. Just because she had an A doesn't mean she doesn't truly love her husband. I know she is saying she loves the OM but she may also love her husband!? Link to post Share on other sites
Life lessons Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 Eternal30, I am going to give you credit for stopping before it got physical. This was a good decision, and you should take comfort in it. It does show, that you do still have some amount of good sense, and kept to your marriage vows. Again, I think we do not give credit, when in a messy, emotional situation someone does do the right thing and breaks it off. So good for you. I am not going to tell you that warm feeling for your AP are bad, he also did the right thing by you, and myself would be grateful, in your place. Now the other issue is the emotional affair. This does need to be addressed, and I urge you to come clean with your husband and both of you talk this trough. I think in the end this would be best for you, and you may find the "spark" for him that you are missing now. If you feel you can not do this, I suggest you work on finding out, for yourself why this happened, and what is mean for your marriage. If you have a bad marriage, and your husband is not the life long partner you wish him to be, then move to divorce. Life is really too short, and you are running out of time. If your marriage is good, and your husband loves you work on making what you have better, and re finding just why you married in the first place. Do not let any feeling for your AP interfere with this process, and that is why I suggest you open up to your husband if you can. You have much hard work ahead, do not fear it, just know you must do it. I wish you luck...... She stated that it was also physical! Only once but it happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Elliebo Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 Yes youve done the right thing and he sounds honourable as hes cut it off. I say the longer you let it go the more acceptable you think it is or try to tell yourself ito is! I've had an affair for a year both of us were married when we met but my marriage broke down. Hes still married and wanted his cake and to eat it. Although claims to want a future with me ....i cant see it so I ended the affair. Glad its done for you honestly once you've dipped your toes in the forbidden lake lol there's no going back and your marriage will never be the same. X 1 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 She stated that it was also physical! Only once but it happened. See last post..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 Just because she had an A doesn't mean she doesn't truly love her husband. I know she is saying she loves the OM but she may also love her husband!? The fact that she has never mentioned her H once says a whole lot about her feelings towards him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Life lessons Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 The fact that she has never mentioned her H once says a whole lot about her feelings towards him. Eeeek---------I haven't read every post so I wasn't aware of that. Yes, it does seem that way if that's the case! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thummper Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 I guess I don't see your problem. Your words would indicate that you're not in love with your husband and you'd be sooo much happier with this other guy, so why don't you just divorce your husband and then this other paragon of wonderfulness can be your very own. If that's not what you want, get your mind off of this other guy and put it back on hubby where it should have been all along. Sheesh! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Eternal30 I am now to sure what you mean by "We stopped before it's too late". From everything you wrote... doesn't seem to be the case. There is just so little context about your marriage, husband, and the marriage relationship and the issues with the marriage. You seemed to be very disconnected with your husband and child. Is this your child? Or is it a child that he has from a previous relationship? You mentioned that the marriage was "Shady"??? You make it sound like a marriage in name only. You seem to have no emotional connection to your husband? Is he extremely abusive? Is this some sort of relationship where you both are drug addicts? It sounds like your husband is totally in the dark. Or, is he completely aware of this? Are you in an open marriage? Does he have other girl friends? Yet, if this is such a dubious, shady marriage, why are you concerned if your husband finds out? Is he physically abusive? So far the only connection you seem to value in the marriage is the financial one... you mentioned that the only reason you haven't divorced him was due to the lack of independent financial means. Is he more than 30 or 40 years older than you? This almost sound like the Eagles song "Lyin' Eyes". Either that or you have some super nice guy who is absolutely clueless about what is going on as he is working his ass off to support you so you can play this cheating fantasy games....??? Maybe he a no nonsense type... If he found out it would be an instant deal breaker. No if ands or buts... there is the door. At the moment, it sounds like you view your husband more like an inconvenient piece of furniture you need to get rid of than a person. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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