Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 So I've been seeing a girl I met on Match for about a month now, and we're having our 5th date this weekend. At the same time we made our 5th date plans, we also made plans for a 6th date with some of my friends (couples) another week later. We're both family oriented people, and share a lot of commonalities. After the second date we started having a lot of inside jokes with each other, and all of our interactions have been very positive. She's paid on some of our later dates, and seems genuinely invested in our time together. There has been a decent amount of affection back and forth. Contact has been becoming more frequent, despite her being really busy these two weeks with work. We talk most days, or at least every other day during the week. To summarize -- right now I have nothing but positive signals, and things are going really well. I would really like to make this girl my girlfriend, but I don't want to screw things up. I feel like at the 5th date things can become more serious, however I am leaning towards just trying to continue to have fun, and not worrying so much about labels. If things are going really well at the end of the 5th date, would it be a terrible idea to ask her "where she sees things going"? Of course if she needed more time I'd be OK with that, and I wouldn't let it affect things. The last thing I want to do is force things, and no matter what, I wouldn't plan on saying anything unless things felt absolutely right.
mightycpa Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 The smart money says Wait! Do not express a need for a labeled relationship quite yet. See her more often, tell her how much you like her, and show her whatever it is you're feeling. But wait.... I don't know when the right time is, but the 5th date is way too soon. The risk you run is that she thinks like you do and she'll get angry that you don't ask her for that and she'll dump your for not being interested enough. That's why you've got to make her understand that you really like her and you want to see her more often. Make plans, monopolize her time, but wait until you really get to know her before you ask for that. Just my bias. I think that works out better in the long run. 4
Author Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted January 30, 2017 Author Posted January 30, 2017 The smart money says Wait! Do not express a need for a labeled relationship quite yet. See her more often, tell her how much you like her, and show her whatever it is you're feeling. But wait.... I don't know when the right time is, but the 5th date is way too soon. The risk you run is that she thinks like you do and she'll get angry that you don't ask her for that and she'll dump your for not being interested enough. That's why you've got to make her understand that you really like her and you want to see her more often. Make plans, monopolize her time, but wait until you really get to know her before you ask for that. Just my bias. I think that works out better in the long run. I have been slowly doing this over the course of our dates. Alluding to future plans, or "That looks fun, we should try that sometime". As well as making plans for 2 future dates (#5 #6). So far she's been very receptive to the gradual escalations that I've made which I have taken as a positive sign. 2
d0nnivain Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 5th date seems a little fast to me too. However I also believe in exclusivity before sex so there is that. That said, broaching the subject doesn't mean you have to finalize plans. If you are feeling good about things & want to broach the subject, do so but I'd hedge my bets & say something like I am really enjoying our time together. No pressure but I wanted to let you know I'm not seeing anybody else & I closed my account on Match. See what she says but do not press. If she responds favorably then you can probe a bit more to get confirmation but if after your announcement you hear crickets, change the subject. 1
mightycpa Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 I have been slowly doing this over the course of our dates. Alluding to future plans, or "That looks fun, we should try that sometime". As well as making plans for 2 future dates (#5 #6). So far she's been very receptive to the gradual escalations that I've made which I have taken as a positive sign. I understand. She's definitely interested, and I think you should cultivate that interest. But That looks fun, we should try that sometime tells me that you should wait. Thanks for the confirmation.
Author Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted January 30, 2017 Author Posted January 30, 2017 5th date seems a little fast to me too. However I also believe in exclusivity before sex so there is that. That said, broaching the subject doesn't mean you have to finalize plans. If you are feeling good about things & want to broach the subject, do so but I'd hedge my bets & say something like I am really enjoying our time together. No pressure but I wanted to let you know I'm not seeing anybody else & I closed my account on Match. See what she says but do not press. If she responds favorably then you can probe a bit more to get confirmation but if after your announcement you hear crickets, change the subject. We haven't had sex yet (which I'm OK with). She is politically very Liberal, but she told me she is "personally conservative" (she is religious), which I have interpreted as meaning she does not move very fast physically. That being said we've held hands, cuddled, kissed -- just no heavy making out or sex. If she wants to wait, I am OK with this because it's not one of my priorities right now. 1
Whodatdog Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 Fifth date really sounds like rushing it. You dont want to ask her something like that before the time is right. What if she says no? Are you prepared for that? I think you will know when the time is right. I think if you are having to ask, then you need to wait a while.
Michelle ma Belle Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 Hmm, I don't think anyone can say definitively when the right time would be. I've gone out with a guy and by the second date we both knew we wanted this to be something and made it so. Then there are dates where we'd go on and on for months without a word about exclusivity which caused me to have more questions than answers about what I was doing with them. I think you just have go with your gut. I personally don't think 5 great dates in is necessarily too short but then again it really depends on the girl and the vibe you're getting from her and the dates you've had together. You could simply start the conversation by asking where she sees things going or how she feels about the time you've spent together thus far, and depending on her response you can choose take the leap or hold off until the timing is better. Good luck. 3
Author Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted January 30, 2017 Author Posted January 30, 2017 Hmm, I don't think anyone can say definitively when the right time would be. I've gone out with a guy and by the second date we both knew we wanted this to be something and made it so. Then there are dates where we'd go on and on for months without a word about exclusivity which caused me to have more questions than answers about what I was doing with them. I think you just have go with your gut. I personally don't think 5 great dates in is necessarily too short but then again it really depends on the girl and the vibe you're getting from her and the dates you've had together. You could simply start the conversation by asking where she sees things going or how she feels about the time you've spent together thus far, and depending on her response you can choose take the leap or hold off until the timing is better. Good luck. That's kind of what I was thinking. Would it really be terrible to put some feelers out to see where things are at? If she's not ready yet, I'm OK with that and I plan on continuing things as normal. I'm looking for someone to have a serious relationship with, which would lead to marriage and kids. Both of our Match Profiles state that we want kids, and based on our interactions so far, I don't have any reason to believe her goals are different. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 Starting the conversation is a GOOD thing. Just be gentle & don't pressure her. You are smart guy. You will be able to judge her reaction once you open the discussion. Anything other than wholehearted positive, back off for now. 1
morrowrd Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 You have done everything right, congratulations on your romance. 5th date, go with the flow and ask her to be your girlfriend. She by now either wants to, or not. I'm not a betting man, but in your case I'm going to bet the answer is yes. Enjoy your relationship. I am genuinely happy for you. Let us know what happens.
kendahke Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 If things are going really well at the end of the 5th date, would it be a terrible idea to ask her "where she sees things going"? Of course if she needed more time I'd be OK with that, and I wouldn't let it affect things. No...-if I was you, I'd take the lead on this I'd tell her that you really enjoy being with her and would like to continue further into a relationship. If you want to direct this towards a relationship, then you need to grab the wheel and steer it there.. She will either say "yes, I feel the same way", or she will hem and haw and come up with excuses, etc., that is when you know that she's not on the same page as you. Best to know where you're standing than to play Wyle E. Coyote running in the clouds before finding out he's 300 feet up in the air. 1
Author Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted January 30, 2017 Author Posted January 30, 2017 I might take a more middle approach, I don't want to be overly direct and make her feel pressured. I think I will start out by figuring out where she stands, and if she's receptive, ask her to be my girlfriend. My main priority though is to make sure we have fun and enjoy ourselves. Only thinking about bringing this up if the moment presents itself. 1
Jj66 Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 A conversation about where she sees it going is not such a bad thing. It's a personal thing, but I'd never commit to exclusivity with a woman before we had sex. I would however be very clear about how I enjoyed spending time with her and wanted to see her more. For me 5 dates would be getting toward the end of what I would tolerate without some extreme sexual tension going on. Doesn't mean I have to have sex by date 5 but if I didn't see it clearly on the horizon by then I would be preparing to bail. My best relationships have all happened when we could hardly keep our hands to ourselves after a few dates.
dumbass2 Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 I believe that meeting someone on OLD is good enough reason to at least "check-in" and see how things are going with her and the direction you two are going. I wouldn't mention that you've hidden your profile or anything like that unless it comes up, but due to how you two met, i think it is important to at least make sure you are both on the same page at this point. If you want to mention that you are not dating or talking to anyone else, I see no problem with that and see if she says the same. Putting a definitive label on it at this point might not be a good move. When you get a chance to get together with your friends, then just introduce her as your girlfriend and see how she reacts.
BlueRidgeMT Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 When you get a chance to get together with your friends, then just introduce her as your girlfriend and see how she reacts. Oh I disagree with this. I would NOT do that. That's very presumptuous. I wouldn't do that without first knowing if she even wants to be your girlfriend. If some guy did that to me when we had not even discussed it I would not be very happy, even if I liked him. The fact that he just assumed would turn me off this early in the game. 4
Author Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted January 30, 2017 Author Posted January 30, 2017 She's already met my friends some, but more in passing than an actual activity together. They seemed to get on just fine. Provided things are going really well, and the moment feels right, I'll probably just let her know that I enjoy spending time with her, and that I'm not currently seeing anyone else. Then I'll ask her where she sees things going with us. If she seems receptive I will ask her if she wants to be my girlfriend. If she is dodgey/non-receptive I will just say that I'm OK with not rushing things, and just keep having fun for the time being. Sounds like a good plan? 4
BlueRidgeMT Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 She's already met my friends some, but more in passing than an actual activity together. They seemed to get on just fine. Provided things are going really well, and the moment feels right, I'll probably just let her know that I enjoy spending time with her, and that I'm not currently seeing anyone else. Then I'll ask her where she sees things going with us. If she seems receptive I will ask her if she wants to be my girlfriend. If she is dodgey/non-receptive I will just say that I'm OK with not rushing things, and just keep having fun for the time being. Sounds like a good plan? Yes..I think that sounds like a good plan:) Good luck!
phineas Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 I don't even think of a future until we've had sex a few times and then i let them bring up the "what are we" talk. it has always worked for me.
Jj66 Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 I have brought it up like this (after dating awhile and after having sex). I told her one of my friends asked my who is xxxxx? Is she your girlfriend or just someone you are seeing. I didnt really know what to say. How do you want me to refer to you? Or if we were going to meet friends I would ask how she wanted to be introduced, as xxxxx, as my friend xxxxx, or as my girlfriend xxxxx?
BlueRidgeMT Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 (edited) I don't even think of a future until we've had sex a few times and then i let them bring up the "what are we" talk. it has always worked for me. And see some women are the opposite. They DONT want to have sex until they know where the relationship is going, or at least know the guy is interested in seeing where things go. I kinda feel that way. I mean, I think people should at LEAST know if they could see themselves continuing to date this person before you have sex, because sex just makes the situation more messy. It's like, why bother having sex if you are not even sure you want to keep seeing that person? I mean, I understand for some people they just want to get laid and don't care anyway. But for those looking for a relationship, its kind of a fine line you know? If a guy doesn't like me enough to want to get to know me more, I don't want to sleep with him. That's how hard feelings come in. I like the way the OP and this girl have done things. If he talks to her on this 5th date, and she agrees that she wants to continue on with dating and is really interested in him and wants to become closer, then I think its cool for sex. I think 5 dates and talking in-between those dates over a month's time people should at least know how they are feeling about each other by then. And im not saying it HAS to be five dates, I'm just saying 5 dates because that is what the OP has said, though I do think that is a good time. Of course, if he just flat out asks her to be his girl and she says yes, then everything is all set anyway! lol Edited January 30, 2017 by BlueRidgeMT 2
Jj66 Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 And see some women are the opposite. They DONT want to have sex until they know where the relationship is going, or at least know the guy is interested in seeing where things go. I kinda feel that way. I mean, I think people should at LEAST know if they could see themselves continuing to date this person before you have sex, because sex just makes the situation more messy. It's like, why bother having sex if you are not even sure you want to keep seeing that person? I mean, I understand for some people they just want to get laid and don't care anyway. But for those looking for a relationship, its kind of a fine line you know? If a guy doesn't like me enough to want to get to know me more, I don't want to sleep with him. That's how hard feelings come in. I like the way the OP and this girl have done things. If he talks to her on this 5th date, and she agrees that she wants to continue on with dating and is really interested in him and wants to become closer, then I think its cool for sex. I think 5 dates and talking in-between those dates over a month's time people should at least know how they are feeling about each other by then. And im not saying it HAS to be five dates, I'm just saying 5 dates because that is what the OP has said, though I do think that is a good time. Of course, if he just flat out asks her to be his girl and she says yes, then everything is all set anyway! lol Not to put words into Phineas' mouth but I think he was saying that HE doesn't bring it up. If it's important to her she can bring it up . I'm a little different I guess. I will bring it up sometimes. How it came up with my gf... She started climbing up on me. I said I need to get a condom. She said we don't need a condom. I told her I'm not ok with that unless I know wee are exclusive. She said, honey, I'm really into you and our sex is really good. I don't want to have sex with anyone else. 1
Tinie Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 She's already met my friends some, but more in passing than an actual activity together. They seemed to get on just fine. Provided things are going really well, and the moment feels right, I'll probably just let her know that I enjoy spending time with her, and that I'm not currently seeing anyone else. Then I'll ask her where she sees things going with us. If she seems receptive I will ask her if she wants to be my girlfriend. If she is dodgey/non-receptive I will just say that I'm OK with not rushing things, and just keep having fun for the time being. Sounds like a good plan? Sounds good to me! You need to do what feels natural. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and know what you're doing. I've been made a guy's girlfriend before on date 5 and I was really happy about it. It felt very natural for us to be in a relationship- one that ended up lasting over a year. So I personally don't think that making a girl your gf on date 5 is rushing it, but the above plan sounds safer if you're a little worried about scaring her off. Good luck! I don't even think of a future until we've had sex a few times and then i let them bring up the "what are we" talk. it has always worked for me. That's surprising. Most girls I know, including myself, would be really turned off this kind of behavior. Whatever floats your boat I guess... 1
dumbass2 Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 Oh I disagree with this. I would NOT do that. That's very presumptuous. I wouldn't do that without first knowing if she even wants to be your girlfriend. If some guy did that to me when we had not even discussed it I would not be very happy, even if I liked him. The fact that he just assumed would turn me off this early in the game. Yes, you are absolutely right! come to think of it, we discussed it on the drive over and she was fine with it because it was the first introduction to a friend so I asked. I think otherwise I would have just said my friend so and so or just her name.
winny Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 5 dates, too soon. Don't bring up the talk. You will know when you have to ... it doesn't even have to be a "talk". When it feels right just let her know your feelings
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