mrsbennington Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 Hi everybody, I speak spanish so first of all I want to say sorry if this text is confusing (and it'll be REALLY long too) but I need help. Well, I'm a girl of 20 years old who was abandoned by her parents and suffered bullying in a past. Now I live with an "adoptive parents" who treats me very bad. In order to fill these emotional emptyness, I always used to have sex with random guys and I've never had boyfriend, never someone tried to date with me (only for sex and even now, when I'm ok and I don't like to have random sex) September I met a guy via Facebook, he's 22 years old. We started talking about SEX of course but when we saw how identical we were, all the sex talk went gone forever. We used to talk day and night, he sent me messages for the "good days" and "good nights". Also, we talked about how happy we're gonna be together, etc. I met him, at the Cinema, it was pretty perfect and romantic. The things were going really well, second date (I've never dated someone) I started to talk about my past, bomb after bomb (not about random sex), I must recognize it was TOO much. After that, everything went great but he didn't looked really well. Things started to get cold, we saw each other only for sex or twice to see him play voleyball but I didn't know what was happening.... After 2 months dating he talked to me and said that on 2nd date, when I said all that, he lost the emotional connection and he don't wanna treat myself in that way. I did the begged, pleaded even i sent to him audios CRYING, it was pretty hard for me to accept. I still tried to talk with him but he was really distant, and if I went NC by 10 days he didn't care. Even we talked (he replied very shortly and said he was dating with another person) and I sent a picture of a me in underware and a Gay friend in order to make him jealous (YEAH I DID EXTREME CHILDISH THINGS) One day, I was very depressed with a friend in the mall and asked her to write him. After that, we both went to their house (he lives near mall) to see him and one of his friend. Everything was really well, I was really happy and also he flirted with me. After that, he asked me in Whatsapp to be "friends with benefits" I accepted. That night (I don't want someone judge me, we all are a little crazy) I hooked up with him. I was really distant (my friend told me to do that) and well. Next couple weeks, I started to realized that I still had feelings for him so I wrote a letter with a picture of us (he doesn't know I took it), a song and tickets of the places we visited. It was a love letter but saying basically that I was crying and I couldn't get over him so I prefer to distance myself in order to heal, but that I'll always feel the same for him and send it to his home. Also, I wrote him by Facebook and he said me to take a time apart in order to me to heal. He always cared about me and one thing I can recognize about him... he never lied to me, that's really awful sometimes because I know he's always saying the truth. Two days after the letter, I tried no contact but I wrote him, no response. I forgot to say that the last night we hooked up, he said me "my love" and automatically corrected him saying my name. He gave me the password of his computer (while he was sleeping) and the password of one of his Lol account (league of legends, videogame), he borrowed me the account. I started doing NC for about 10 days and I broke it again, we talked fine, he always answered me. One month ago, I got really drunk (I don't drink alcohol so you can imagine) and I started to believe that "I've forgotten him". So that night, I did everything wrong, I hooked up with another guy and SENT PICTURES OF THIS GUY NAKED SLEEPING to him. I don't know what really goes through my mind sometimes, please don't judge me again. He checked me as seen, after that I started doing NC again because I realized what I did was a **** and I went really mature after that. After 14 days of no contact he wrote me "hi" what I didn't reply. After 16 days of nc he wrote to myfriend if I'm still in my country (I went vacations off to argentina when I did the letter in order to heal) because I didn't reply to him and "he didn't talk with me since one month". My friend says to him that I'm in my country, after that I break the no contact and write him. Things were really great, nice communication. One week ago he asked me to go to his house... of course to hook up, and I wanted to so I did. Things were like NEVER before, extremelly romantic. We only hooked up once that night in 12 hours (I always leave his house around 12-2 pm of the next day). We were hugging each other all the time, he was always taking my hand, teaching me how to play videogames, made me food, etc. That day, I forgot my card to travel in bus (the ticket it's cheaper with that card) under his bed. I was planning to go NC but I really need the card (and my mom it's pretty agressive so I MUST have the card). I talked him the next week only because I needed to see him by the card. He talked to my friend IMMEDIATELY to say her that "he saw me" WTF, pretty mixed signals. After that, he was really REALLY distant with me, check me as seen or even deletting the conversation in order to not check me as seen. And of course I never talked about love or something, just friends conversation. We were supposed to hang out (my best friend included) past wednesday but he talked to my friend and sent an audio saying that "he doesn't wanna see me so soon", he didn't say why and before the loss of my card I was really distant so we thought it was all about him and not me. Like he started to have feelings and want to care himself (and he's right with the bull**** I did). Days after, he wrote to my friend again to see if SHE CAN GO to take my card. Of course, it was to not see me. I started to feel very angry with these behavior so I said to my friend that if she can go to take my card because I don't wanna see him. She agreed so write him to take it and he said to her that today he can't because he's gonna see "his girl". When I red that, I didn't feel sadness or something, so it was pretty amazing. My friend said me that's all about to make me jealous and I didn't agree with her but well. After that and no reply of my friend, he wrote to her again that today he couldn't, tomorrow either but that in few days he'll give her my card because AT THIS TIME OF THE GAME HE COULD IMAGINE I LEFT MY CARD ON HIS HOUSE TO **** HIM AROUND TOO MUCH, TO BOTHER HIM. I exploded in angry so I wrote him like a bible haha saying that I didn't left that for that reason that I don't care a **** about him EMOTIONALLY talking, etc. After that, I calmed down and wrote him that I didn't want to end things wrong but that i'm not gonna write him anymore. No reply, I deleted his number and also his Facebook (two months before I were the clingy person) NC for 2 days now, I really love him and I still really in love THIS IT'S A ****. I'm in his neighborhood EVERYDAY because training and other things so I'm afraid of see him with the other girl and also, I must take a friend to volley saturdasy starting in MARCH who plays one hour after or before this guy... I don't feel sad, but I still feel that he's the love of my life and that we still have another chance but I don't know how to recover this mess. I know I'll still no contact and this will be really easy to me because I'm not as before, I feel really great. But also I tried to date other guys and I can't feel anything for anyone, most of them only want sex and I don't want to and the others I don't feel the emotional connection. I'm in love with this guy and well. I don't feel pain, I know I can perfectly move on IF I WANT TO but I don't wanna to give everything up when I really feel he's the one. What should I do to RECOVER HIM? I don't know if he's dating someone else but if he's i won't do nothing of course. Any advice to recover him? I'm really weel in other way. Thank you for read and please don't be mean to me, I know my mistakes.
Bromeo Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 I know I'm a bit older, but if a woman sent me pictures of her and another man obviously post-coital, I would wish her a swift and sudden end. To wit, this doesn't sound healthy at all. You need to give him space, work on yourself, seek counseling, and seek to live a healthier, happier life. Whether he wants a relationship with you is irrelevant. It doesn't sound like you can be healthy partner to another person until you find some direction and inner peace.
Author mrsbennington Posted January 30, 2017 Author Posted January 30, 2017 I know I'm a bit older, but if a woman sent me pictures of her and another man obviously post-coital, I would wish her a swift and sudden end. To wit, this doesn't sound healthy at all. You need to give him space, work on yourself, seek counseling, and seek to live a healthier, happier life. Whether he wants a relationship with you is irrelevant. It doesn't sound like you can be healthy partner to another person until you find some direction and inner peace. I know it's not excuse at all but I was drunk, I feel like a **** for did that. I have never been healthier and happier before as I am now. That's the reason why I ask this. Thank you anyway
umirano Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 I don't think this is salvageable and if he's open to the possibility of this he is probably in a very bad state of mind himself. Codependency comes to mind. I think you still have a lot of work to do on yourself, September isn't that long ago. I would concentrate on myself for a while, and only start a fresh relationship with someone new, possibly a year or more from now.
Author mrsbennington Posted January 30, 2017 Author Posted January 30, 2017 (edited) I don't think this is salvageable and if he's open to the possibility of this he is probably in a very bad state of mind himself. Codependency comes to mind. I think you still have a lot of work to do on yourself, September isn't that long ago. I would concentrate on myself for a while, and only start a fresh relationship with someone new, possibly a year or more from now. Yep, at this moment I feel all I did was really bad and i'm blaming myself but I think it's 50/50. Years before, I had depression and did lot of crazy things like u see but I feel more healthy than ever (I don't like anymore to be with random guys because I think I deserve more than this). I'll go NC, see what happens but definitely improve myself even more because I deserve it. It's normal to believe that I might have more than I year to recover? I don't wanna be with anyone, really. Another thing happened is that when I ended the things two days ago, he also said a lie about my best friend that almost make me fight with her. So yes, I'll keep improving myself for me and because we all need a little of peace. If he has a relationship probably it's a rebound because in other way, he didn't had to see me,. But that's not my problem either... I won't overanalyze everything. When I did 16 days of NC I came to a point that I DIDN'T TALK ABOUT HIM. So I know this feeling of missing him, will pass... I hope he doesn't appear this time to make me feel in love again. I can do it <3 I'll tell you news if there's any. PLUS: I forgot to say last time I saw him (one week ago), he also gave me his cellphone to use it o.O and we said bye each other with a short but sweet kiss, a long hug and with him saying to "see me soon". Edited January 30, 2017 by mrsbennington
preraph Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 Look, your approach to someone you like is unusual because of your disruptive childhood and being abandoned and not having good role models to show you how love works. You create chaos for no reason. You get desperate to get him back and I would guess you want him most when he's left you because you are trying to work through your abandonment issues. I don't know your financial situation or where you live, but Obamacare, for the short while it will be here, does have some therapy costs included. You would really benefit from therapy. It's really hard when you've had no solid stable role models to learn from, haven't seen a healthy relationship. You are reaching for attention the ways you learned to get it as a child and no child should have to work that hard at it, so it's not good and scares people off. You're creating more problems in your life by having random sex, and most guys will harshly judge you for that. Also, you could end up pregnant or diseased. It's not the '70s anymore. You need some sort of support system. Therapy would be ideal. In lieu of that, maybe counseling through your church to get just everyday advice on what a better course of action is on life's little things that happen every day. You can't make someone come back to you. You already know that. He's not abandoning you. He simply sees that you are not compatible or someone he wants to be with long-term, because you're too chaotic.
Author mrsbennington Posted January 30, 2017 Author Posted January 30, 2017 (edited) Look, your approach to someone you like is unusual because of your disruptive childhood and being abandoned and not having good role models to show you how love works. You create chaos for no reason. You get desperate to get him back and I would guess you want him most when he's left you because you are trying to work through your abandonment issues. I don't know your financial situation or where you live, but Obamacare, for the short while it will be here, does have some therapy costs included. You would really benefit from therapy. It's really hard when you've had no solid stable role models to learn from, haven't seen a healthy relationship. You are reaching for attention the ways you learned to get it as a child and no child should have to work that hard at it, so it's not good and scares people off. You're creating more problems in your life by having random sex, and most guys will harshly judge you for that. Also, you could end up pregnant or diseased. It's not the '70s anymore. You need some sort of support system. Therapy would be ideal. In lieu of that, maybe counseling through your church to get just everyday advice on what a better course of action is on life's little things that happen every day. You can't make someone come back to you. You already know that. He's not abandoning you. He simply sees that you are not compatible or someone he wants to be with long-term, because you're too chaotic. I ended therapy few months ago, I did it all my life. I'm trying to find a new job to get out of my house and start living happy without violence. I don't even have random sex, not depression anymore so I'm getting better. Therapists said (I went to not only one) that till the moment I can't get out of home, they couldn't help me in a real way. So I'm trying to do that, I can't see if I did this because of my issues, it's really an uncounscious level. But I know I'm doing the right things NOW the best I can. I didn't beg him to stay and didn't cry or made a scene so I think I'm really improving. I want him in my life, but for healthy reasons, he made me a better person and I think we should all have persons like this in our life (obviously not as friend in this case). But I think most of the time I'm toxic and I don't even recognize it so I'll improve myself as best as I can and get far from home. In my childhood (12 years old) I was diagnosticated with Boderline Disorder (forced to be hospitalized in a clinic where I saw really bad things) when I was 16 years old they told me I don't have it anymore but I don't know if this is true. Anyway, I'm trying to improve myself without drugs (therapist said me to leave drugs to this disorder at 16), naturally (trying to find what's going on in my mind, meditation, chakras, etc) each day i'm a totally better person. I have really issues, fears, anxiety but like the doctor said, I can't get in a full treatment because I still living with the violence so when I could get out of here, I'll start therapy to remove all those horrible years. Thank you for make me see these things but in a nice way, don't being mean with me or criticizing badly. Edited January 31, 2017 by mrsbennington
Recommended Posts