Should I inititiate the 'Define The Relationship' Talk?

[jjb117]

Well here goes nothing.

 

There's this girl i've known since Junior year of High School. Ever since my first interaction with her I started to develop feelings for her. Nothing ever happened though since we were in different friend groups. Once graduation happened, it seemed like that was the last time I would ever see her.

 

Fast forward to last summer. I went to a party and there she was. Interestingly enough she clung onto me, and we stayed with each other all night talking. Almost as if we've been best friends for years. We then had a little thing during the summer, nothing too crazy. We kissed, not really a big deal.

 

Throughout the semester though we kept in touch through snapchat. Conversations were brief, nothing crazy. Then thanksgiving break happened. We met up, and started making out like little baby monkeys. We linked up a few more times before going back to college.

 

The conversations we had increased gradually. We kept this going into winter break where things were going so well. We started to go out everyday. Conversations grew deeper. I met her closest friends. I met her family. We had dinner together with her family. She met my family. Whenever we would go out in public with people we knew, we went together. She would hit me up, sometimes during the day, sometimes at night. She was into me. I was into her. So of course i thought, hey, lets make this into something better. Guess what. She hit me with the "I'm noy ready for a relationship" proceeding to say "it's just bad timing. Like you're perfect but I can't right now."

 

We agreed to live in the moment and eventually I was able to lose my virginity to her. Great right? Well not really. Deep down I still wanted more. Ive never been in a serious relationship so I've been craving to be in one. She on the other hand just got out of one, and that's when things get interesting.

 

After much thought, I would ask myself "why does she consistently bring up her ex at random times?" Clearly because she isnt over him. Also, "why did it feel like things were going so fast?" Clearly because she wanted to feel like she was in a relationship again. And lastly "does she not want to be in a relationship?" And now, in my eyes, she just doesn't want to be in a relationship with me.

 

I feel used. Hurt. Not sure really. When she tells me I'm the perfect guy. When she tells me she really likes me. When she cancels her plans with her friends so she can be with me then yes, i feel like i should wait. Then yes, i feel like she's sincere. I know long distance would be hard on her (since her last one ended because her ex cheated on her due to long distance). But again, when you're into someone, regardless of your situation, you want to commit. The right people don't come at the right time, they just come.

 

What do y'all think? Am I the rebound? Should I wait? What should I make out of all of this?

[jjb117]

So my story goes like this.

 

There's this girl I've been friends with since junior year of high school. We're now sophomores in college. We've kept in touch since then.

 

One thing led to another and we started to have a thing. I even met her parents, I even ate with them, I met her friends from High School and from college, and we basically saw each other every day. It was great. The chemistry we had was insane. We even had sex. Nothing I could complain about.

 

Here's the thing. I want a relationship and she doesn't. She just came out of one, so I'm assuming she's testing the waters. I screwed myself over by bringing this up over winter break but we later agreed to take it day by day. (We still continued to have sex after that talk)

 

It's been three weeks since we last saw each other in person since we go to different colleges (3 hours apart)

 

My dilemma is whether or not I should keep waiting and/or whether or not I should have the DTR talk. I value myself and my time. I know my worth. I usually don't wait for a girl to make up her mind but I'm head over heels in love with this girl. It's crazy. I don't want to hurt her either. Or make her feel like I don't take her seriously if I'm with other women.

 

But honestly what would you do?

[d0nnivain]

Between the different schools and her stated desire not to have a relationship because she just got out of one, if you initiate the talk her answer is going to be thank you but no thank you or evasive (which means thank you but no thanks because she doesn't have the words to hurt your feelings by rejecting you).

 

 

Enjoy your semester at your school. Interact with your female friend as you please but do not have "the talk." Arrange to have her come to your school. You go there but don't talk about what you are or put labels on it. Chill & be cool.

 

 

Date her over the summer when you are both home & not so far apart. By then her hurt from her break up will have dissipated & you will have shown her as opposed to have told her what a great catch you are. Before you both return to school, then you can talk. Talking now will only kill everything.

 

 

Other the course of your semester do not wait for this girl. If there are other women at your school who you find interesting pursue them. She is a long shot at best. She may not want to date you over the summer. She may find somebody at her school. Still my plan gives you the best chance. Talking now will never work.

[mightycpa]

I'd think long and hard about getting into a LD Exclusive R while I was in one college and the girl was in another. As in, tally up the pros and cons.

 

Something tells me the only pro you could come up with is I'm head over heels...

 

Every other indicator probably says no, unless there's something about you that you can't get dates locally.

 

Why not split the difference, and ask her for a LD non-exclusive relationship? Let her date around, and you do the same. That shouldn't get in the way of the future.

[smackie9]

Sorry but you let your feelings get the best of you. There is a reason why she doesn't want commitment...she knows she is going away off to college....and we know what happens at college. As the saying goes, if you love someone, let them go, if they come back to you it was meant to be.

 

TBH you are a rebound relationship. She is using you to help her through the healing process. rebounds are usually intense.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Normally I would agree with what d0nnivain said, however I think the fact that you're "head over heels in love" with this girl changes things and ups the ante.

 

If your feelings for this girl are as strong as you're claiming then I think you owe it yourself to put everything on the line.

 

Yes, there is a risk that her feelings on the subject haven't changed and your relationship as you know it shifts significantly or even ends BUT if you continue as you have been, you risk being strung along for many more years while you wait for the love of your life to make a decision about you and your relationship.

 

I don't know about you but if I had to choose which is the risk worth taking, it would be confronting her and letting the chips fall where they may. At least then you'd know exactly where you stand with her, good or bad.

 

 

The only other thing I might mention is that this predicament might be of your own doing. You're making it very easy for her to NOT have to make decision about you. I mean, you're essentially boyfriend/girlfriend but without the label or commitment.

 

If you're supposed to just be friends, then perhaps sex needs to be taken off the table especially if you are now realizing FWB isn't enough with this girl anymore.

 

And just because she's 'playing' boyfriend/girlfriend with you for however long does NOT guarantee she'll choose you if/when she decides she's ready to commit again.

 

 

Good luck.

Edited January 30, 2017 by Michelle ma Belle

[kendahke]

I'd tell her that since she's not ready for a relationship and you are that you're moving on and closing the candy store--no more sex. Then do exactly that. Move on. No more sex. Find another girl.

 

If she wants to be with you as your exclusive girlfriend, she will make that known to you by her actions (don't rely solely on her words--she'll say anything to keep the status quo).

[kendahke]

And just because she's 'playing' boyfriend/girlfriend with you for however long does NOT guarantee she'll choose you if/when she decides she's ready to commit again.

 

This. Right. Here.

 

At best, you're a placeholder for when her ex takes her back or she meets someone else.

 

At worse, you're a rebound and those rarely work out well.

[jjb117]

You have a point but boy is it tempting. Internally I just want to know what she wants to do from here on out. But I do know if I bring it up, she'll feel pressured which will not end well for me.

 

I'll try to meet other women, but as of right now it is hard. Not impossible but hard.

 

I'm only saying that because I've never connected with someone like her in my life. But then again I'm only 20. Who knows. Maybe things will work out, maybe not.

[jjb117]

There's this girl I've been friends with since junior year of high school. We're now sophomores in college. We've kept in touch since then.

 

Randomly, one thing led to another and we started to have a thing. I met her parents, I had dinner with them, I met her friends from High School and from college, and we basically saw each other every day. It was great. She would cancel other plans just to see me. The chemistry we had was insane. We even had sex. Simply amazing.

 

Here's the thing. I want a relationship and she doesn't. She just came out of one, so I'm assuming she's testing the waters. I know I screwed myself over by bringing this up early into winter break but we later agreed to take it day by day. (We still continued to have sex after that talk)

 

It's been three weeks since we last saw each other in person since we go to different colleges (3 hours apart)

 

My dilemma is whether or not I should keep waiting and/or whether or not I should have the DTR talk. I value myself and my time. I know my worth. I usually don't wait for a girl to make up her mind but I'm head over heels in love with this girl. It's crazy. I try to remind myself there will be other people. But something inside is telling me she's worth it. I've been with a lot of girls in my past and no one has made me feel like this. I don't want to hurt her either. Or make her feel like I don't take her seriously if I'm with other women. It's killing me. I can't focus on my studies. Everyday I think about her.

 

But honestly what would you do?

[Jj66]

Sometimes a woman's only role in our lives is to be a fond memory.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

Doesn't want a relationship. Enjoy the no strings sex if you're into that.

[Michelle ma Belle]

You have a point but boy is it tempting. Internally I just want to know what she wants to do from here on out. But I do know if I bring it up, she'll feel pressured which will not end well for me.

 

I'll try to meet other women, but as of right now it is hard. Not impossible but hard.

 

I'm only saying that because I've never connected with someone like her in my life. But then again I'm only 20. Who knows. Maybe things will work out, maybe not.

 

I met my (ex) hubby when I was 19. We met on a blind date and from the very moment I saw him, I knew I was going to marry him. And I did 5 years later. Sometimes you just know.

 

 

The fact that we divorced 20 years later is another issue

 

Good luck.

[William]

Folks, I merged three separate threads on the same relationship issue so there may be some duplicate content. Please continue discussion in this thread. Thanks!

[SaltAndLight]

She is obviously into you but it also sounds like sh's not sure exactly what she wants right now. I wouldn't put all my heart into it if i were you. I would see her when i see her and see where things go.

[jjb117]

Here's the breakdown.

I know this girl for some time now and we hit it off during winter break. She told me from the beginning she wasn't ready for a relationship so we kept it casual (hooked up, went on dates but no label). We still talk, not as much but would it be appropriate to send her that text?

 

I dont want to come across as needy but I do like her. But then again, she didn't want anything serious so what's the point? As you could tell im confused. So guys, what should I do?

[fireflywy]

I wouldn't worry about it. She's not your girl, she doesn't want a relationship, so no need to send her a greeting on relationship day.

 

In short, don't be an orbiter.

[hercules22]

yeah i wouldnt bother i liked this girl aswell wanted something more but she pulled the not ready for a relationship. i also rarely talk to now same like u it been close to a month now havnt spoken to her also been going to the gym earlier so i dont see her. being just friends sucks u will always want something more once u get to the point where u got feeling for them.

 

valentines day is only for couples i didnt even bother messaging her and i would advise you shouldnt either

[GoldSparkz]

What do you mean by 'hooked up'? I find that term ambiguous as its used to describe so many scenarios.

 

If it means you slept together, then that was a bad move, especially if you liked her that much but knew she wasn't ready for anything serious. Now you have strong feelings which most likely won't go anywhere. This is a position women usually find themselves in.

Edited February 15, 2017 by GoldSparkz
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