selinaluv Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 Hello everyone, I have had some poor dating experiences the past few months. From sexual predators, scammers, headcases, to just a couple duds who never made it past first date and not even responding to my thank you text. I know this comes with the territory with online dating and overall I have had good experiences, I admit the past few months have gotten me down. Tomorrow I have a date with what appears to be a very nice guy and I really want this to go well. He seems very kind and we had a great phone conversation last night. And yet, I am waiting for this to fail. I am trying to go into the date positive, but I have a nagging sadness following me and the thought that I will be let down. These feelings have nothing to do with what he has done, because he has been great so far. I know many of us go through this. How do you work through these feelings when you are having a bad run. I was planning to take a break, but he is worth a shot.
Redhead14 Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 Hello everyone, I have had some poor dating experiences the past few months. From sexual predators, scammers, headcases, to just a couple duds who never made it past first date and not even responding to my thank you text. I know this comes with the territory with online dating and overall I have had good experiences, I admit the past few months have gotten me down. Tomorrow I have a date with what appears to be a very nice guy and I really want this to go well. He seems very kind and we had a great phone conversation last night. And yet, I am waiting for this to fail. I am trying to go into the date positive, but I have a nagging sadness following me and the thought that I will be let down. These feelings have nothing to do with what he has done, because he has been great so far. I know many of us go through this. How do you work through these feelings when you are having a bad run. I was planning to take a break, but he is worth a shot. My confidence/source of validation does not rest on whether or not some guy I meet asks me on a date or continues to date me or attention from sexual predators, scammers, headcases, or just a couple duds. My confidence and validation source is IN me. I have a lot to offer a partner, however, if what I have to offer isn't what another person needs, so be it. Since you are feeling this way, it is time to take a break from dating so that you can focus on YOU. These feelings have nothing to do with what he has done, because he has been great so far. -- Just be centered and objective. Manage your emotions and expectations and be in the moment. Shake off all the other stuff. Hurdle jumpers don't stop running when they knock over a hurdle. They keep running and they don't look back because if they do that, they will certainly knock more hurdles over. And, the great, Wayne Gretsky said in his book -- "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." 6
Lilyana76 Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 I have had a few failed meets from OLD, it doesn't break down my confidence in myself.. but it does break down my confidence in finding someone. I gave up OLD, again. It's just too much time and energy on something that rarely works out. (at least from my experience). Best of luck to you, try not to let it get you down! 4
Popsicle Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 Until you actually take a break and take some time to reset your mind you're going to continue to feel negative. 4
Author selinaluv Posted January 30, 2017 Author Posted January 30, 2017 Thank you for your responses. It is true about losing confidence not so much in myself, but in the process of finding someone. I guess it is a mixture of both, but pretty much the persistence in my head of "why would this one be different?" I agree I need to take a break or these feelings will continue. Tomorrow's date is with what appears to be a good guy and I don't want to let him get away without taking the chance. I have had a few others ask me out in the past week or so and I have pretty much told them no. This one I want to meet. Trying to put my best face forward on this. We had a great talk, so not sure why negative thoughts creep in.
smackie9 Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 Dating sucks...it sucks now and it sucked back when I was dating. lots of garbage out there because most of the good ones are already taken. You have to not invest yourself, have a check list and stick with it, and at the first sign of trouble send them to the curb...move along quickly to the next. You have to kick a lot of tires before you find the right one. Best of luck on your date. 1
Jj66 Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 It's like trading securities. If you follow a valid system and don't bet too much on any one outcome you will be rewarded over time. My beliefs about trading systems (and dating systems) are that its best to cut your losses early and let your winners run. Too many times we see people riding losers on the death march to zero. Rarely is there a recovery. Capital that could have been used in other trades is being tied up and unavailable. On the other hand they sell their winners at the first sign of trouble. Weird. But it's human nature I guess. In other words, if you always water the daisies but pull the weeds you will have a beautiful garden in due time. 2
SevenCity Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 (edited) I don't think the op is losing confidence in herself, rather the ability to find a worthy guy. I've been on OLD for 3 months and I'm sick of it. From the "If you support Trump swipe left" to the traveling obsession of most women. I rarely see anything about being able to cook yet they all want children. Are we going to eat at McDonalds every night?? I can spot scammers pretty quickly though. I've been out with several women who make it clear why they are single by date 3 (or date 1 in many cases). I'd like to think this is a product of the people on OLD but it's really the only place I meet women. I try to stick to the words of Corey Wayne "You don't meet your best friend every day". So I'm plugging along with the hope she is out there. And I've gotten some really funny stories along the way... Edited to add: it sucks a lot more when you are picking up the tab. Edited January 30, 2017 by SevenCity 4
Redhead14 Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 Thank you for your responses. It is true about losing confidence not so much in myself, but in the process of finding someone. I guess it is a mixture of both, but pretty much the persistence in my head of "why would this one be different?" I agree I need to take a break or these feelings will continue. Tomorrow's date is with what appears to be a good guy and I don't want to let him get away without taking the chance. I have had a few others ask me out in the past week or so and I have pretty much told them no. This one I want to meet. Trying to put my best face forward on this. We had a great talk, so not sure why negative thoughts creep in. Losing confidence . . . in the process of finding someone -- No one can be confident in the process of finding someone. What's important is having confidence in the fact that if you don't find someone, you are/will be fine on your own. Having someone in your life shouldn't be what makes you happy. Having a man in your life should only enhance/add to the happiness you already have. 2
CloudyHead Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 You need to change your attitude about it. OLD is like riding a roller coaster - lots of highs and lows. OLD is the only way I can meet men as I live in a very rural area and I don't hang out at bars. I became unhappy with OLD due to the men I was meeting until I changed my attitude. I started to view it as an adventure/comedy event. I had no expectations of the date. I always paid my own way unless my date insisted. I viewed it more as a chance to meet someone new and go to a restaurant or event I haven't experienced yet. 2
Versacehottie Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 Change your intention. You are thinking too far into the future, "hoping it works out". Just lower the stakes and change your intention from finding a bf (and all the disappointments that have come with that pursuit) to something that is far easier: just to have a good time and make a new friend. Just think about the one night, no further. Try not to take yourself so seriously. Good luck! ps you must go with a positive outlook or it will be an uphill battle and you may just mess up a "good thing" which will continue to nick your confidence. By "good thing" if you change the intention, you can be successful just by having a good night or making a new friend. Anything more serious can be decided upon down the road.
Author selinaluv Posted January 31, 2017 Author Posted January 31, 2017 Dating sucks...it sucks now and it sucked back when I was dating. lots of garbage out there because most of the good ones are already taken. You have to not invest yourself, have a check list and stick with it, and at the first sign of trouble send them to the curb...move along quickly to the next. You have to kick a lot of tires before you find the right one. Best of luck on your date. Thank you. I guess this is really just the reality. Dating is just a process. I am working on talking to a few and weeding out the ones who are not a match quickly. I am getting better at it.
Author selinaluv Posted January 31, 2017 Author Posted January 31, 2017 It's like trading securities. If you follow a valid system and don't bet too much on any one outcome you will be rewarded over time. My beliefs about trading systems (and dating systems) are that its best to cut your losses early and let your winners run. Too many times we see people riding losers on the death march to zero. Rarely is there a recovery. Capital that could have been used in other trades is being tied up and unavailable. On the other hand they sell their winners at the first sign of trouble. Weird. But it's human nature I guess. In other words, if you always water the daisies but pull the weeds you will have a beautiful garden in due time. This is all a great analogy! I need to remember this. Like I said, I am trying. Like the date tomorrow. So far he has been very kind and good conversation. He is not giving the player vibe at all. While in the past I admit to focusing on those, I am taking the time with someone who isn't as aggressive. We had a post on this the other day and I am trying to follow some of the advice with this one. I have weeded out the "player" types and focusing on the one who is less talk and flash. 1
Author selinaluv Posted January 31, 2017 Author Posted January 31, 2017 Change your intention. You are thinking too far into the future, "hoping it works out". Just lower the stakes and change your intention from finding a bf (and all the disappointments that have come with that pursuit) to something that is far easier: just to have a good time and make a new friend. Just think about the one night, no further. Try not to take yourself so seriously. Good luck! ps you must go with a positive outlook or it will be an uphill battle and you may just mess up a "good thing" which will continue to nick your confidence. By "good thing" if you change the intention, you can be successful just by having a good night or making a new friend. Anything more serious can be decided upon down the road. Changing my expectations is a good point. I am also trying to do this with the thought that I am hopefully making a new friend for the day. For the most part this works and keeps me in the moment during the date. I will continue to keep this in mind. This all helps to put me in a good frame of mind.
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