Eyebrows Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 As an update to a previous situation. Brain surgery went well. AVM is gone. On to dating. I was a late bloomer. I was shy before and never really took the initiative to go on dates. If I was interested in someone it was usually someone I'd hung out with before and there was already a dynamic where we didn't really have to get to know each other. Now, after the last relationship, I guess it's triggered a lot of insecurities. Love-bombing, taking her to Europe, sacrificing a lot and then backing off and saying she wasn't attracted. Something in me now just says "I did so much for one person, she spent 10 days with me and decided she wasn't attracted to me" after previously wanting to marry me. However, rationally, I know that everyone on the forum who posted about it is right when they say that she likely has some issues. Now, I just don't go to a second date. I've online dated a bit. They've all wanted to see me for a second date. Rather than take it as a boost of confidence I just don't want to go. It's not to do with them. They've been lovely. But it's just something subconsciously that stops me from doing it, like a belief that "Well, they might have liked me on the first date but once they get to know me then they won't." It all stems from the control and manipulation in the last relationship and I can't seem to work out the issues from that in order to move forward and date someone properly. Any ideas on how to combat this? Is this bad enough that I should seek some kind of self-esteem counselling or is it just a case of biting the bullet and just going on a second date?
Lilyana76 Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 I am one that truly believes in therapy and how it really works if you use it properly and take all the steps suggested. So I will never tell anyone to not seek out therapy for any issue. That being said, I think you just need to bite the bullet and go on a second date. Get to know someone, see how you feel as you get closer to another person. Best of luck! 1
smackie9 Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 Drop your expectations, and just go with the flow. Anxiety is a real killer. 1
Redhead14 Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 As an update to a previous situation. Brain surgery went well. AVM is gone. On to dating. I was a late bloomer. I was shy before and never really took the initiative to go on dates. If I was interested in someone it was usually someone I'd hung out with before and there was already a dynamic where we didn't really have to get to know each other. Now, after the last relationship, I guess it's triggered a lot of insecurities. Love-bombing, taking her to Europe, sacrificing a lot and then backing off and saying she wasn't attracted. Something in me now just says "I did so much for one person, she spent 10 days with me and decided she wasn't attracted to me" after previously wanting to marry me. However, rationally, I know that everyone on the forum who posted about it is right when they say that she likely has some issues. Now, I just don't go to a second date. I've online dated a bit. They've all wanted to see me for a second date. Rather than take it as a boost of confidence I just don't want to go. It's not to do with them. They've been lovely. But it's just something subconsciously that stops me from doing it, like a belief that "Well, they might have liked me on the first date but once they get to know me then they won't." It all stems from the control and manipulation in the last relationship and I can't seem to work out the issues from that in order to move forward and date someone properly. Any ideas on how to combat this? Is this bad enough that I should seek some kind of self-esteem counselling or is it just a case of biting the bullet and just going on a second date? Is this bad enough that I should seek some kind of self-esteem counselling or is it just a case of biting the bullet and just going on a second date? -- Both really. But therapists will often encourage taking the leap to do things that put your outside of your comfort zone at least a couple of times. You need to learn how to tolerate negative emotions/anxieties and push through them instead of pushing them down and not dealing with them. The more you deal with and process them, the easier it will become. You will need reinforcement, so find a therapist.
CloudyHead Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 Bite the bullet and go on the second date. And, stop putting so much pressure on yourself and the date itself. Just enjoy the fact that you are going out and getting to know someone better.
Pill Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 People put so much pressure on themselves when it comes to dating. Just go in with no expectations and have fun. Build relationships whether it's romantic or not. Don't allow yourself to be a victim. 1
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